To ask those of you who have lost a parent when does Christmas feel like Christmas again?

[Notenoughbookshelves]

This is the second since we lost dad and I still wish Christmas would go away.

Never, I’m afraid. It’s just one of the many things that are never the same again. Sorry 💐

Its 19 years this year since DF died at christmas time. It probably took about 3 or 4 years. Now I still get moments of sadness and some years seem easier/harder than others but it is much easier than it was in those initial stages. I think because its a time of traditions where we do things we have always done, when someone significant is no longer there it becomes about finding and establishing new ones and that can take some time.

My mother died a few days before Christmas in 2016. We were close, and became even more so as I nursed he through a cruel illness.

I miss her every day, but that doesn't stop otherwise happy days from being happy now. It means there's a tinge of sadness, an ache.

I cried buckets on the morning of my wedding day because she wasn't there. But it was still a wonderful day. I've learned to appreciate the exquisite sweetness even when it's bittersweet.

When I had my first child I longed for Mama. But I didn't have the option of having her there, so I had to make the best of it without her.

I'm looking forward to Christmas. I know there'll be pangs of grief, and sometimes a good old sob can help, but an attitude of chin up and being thankful for blessings of the past (including a loving, wonderful mother) and savouring the blessings of today (including a lovely child and kind husband) help.

I'm sorry. I know it's so so hard. We all have so little time here. It goes so quickly, and we must strive to treasure the love and joy we have or once had.

❤️ for you.

This will be the 6th year without my mum, 3rd without my dad. I feel like we are starting to settle into 'how Christmas is now' at this point. I still miss them desperately, and Christmas is much more low key (my mum was a nutcase over Christmas and I just can't muster the same hyper festiveness without it feeling like a parody). It will never be the same. But the new normal is starting to stick.

Christmas isn't just about merriment- not traditionally anyway. Commercialism has made it about eating, drinking, buying but it has always been a time to remember loved ones and celebrate their lives. So if folks want to miss loved ones this Xmas then that's fine. They should be able to. I will be thinking of my mum who died in 2011 and thinking she would love to be celebrating with us.

My dad died over 25 years ago and the first Christmas was very hard but I still remember enjoying Christmases after that even if they were bitter sweet. Once my DC were here it was about making new traditions for them.
My mum is declining rapidly and I fully expect this to be her last Christmas but I'm with Next phone on this I'm afraid, we have to expect to lose our parents it's part of life.
My dad died young when I still needed him around but I don't see the sense in being maudlin if you still have family or friends to spend Christmas with.

My mum died 30 years ago. I’m now 55. I still have a cry for her and what she and I have missed out on over the 30 years. That feeling will never go.

My mum died 13 years ago. It never felt quite right again until I had my own DD 7 years ago. Now all the traditions are 'ours' rather than 'mine'. It's so different that the reminders are few.

I do wonder how I will feel when my Dad dies though. He is a part of this new 'ours'.

We watch The Snowman together on her birthday in December as it was her favourite.

8th year for me, she died suddenly leaving me (23) my brother then (4) and my little sister who was (2) they are now 12 and 10, to be honest I find the build up more harder than the day it's self, as that is were the fun is and I find I think of her more building up to the actual day and believe or not Boxing Day as that is when all the family comes together and you see she's not there and we talk about her more on Boxing Day.
It won't ever be the same but you adjust eventually to not having them there

Nextphonewontbesamsung Crikeys that’s a bit harsh, the OP said that this is only the second Christmas since her Dad died, not 19 years like yourself. The length of time is immaterial really and people can still grieve many many years later.
Notenoughbookshelves I’m sorry that you are still struggling and hope that you manage to cope with Christmas despite your grief. 💐

This is the first Christmas since my mum died, and I'm finding it hard. Going along then suddenly tearful. New Year will be the worst though. I've spent the last few years staying with her then. Just staying home this year. Can't face doing anything.

I know it will get better. Strength to all missing someone this holiday season.

I am lucky in that both my parents are still alive (86 & 89) but clearly their own parents are no longer around, yet they seem to love Christmas and really embrace the celebrations ... I wonder how they really feel, I will ask my DM, in an appropriate way.

Christmas day 7 years ago I was sitting next to my dying mother in hospital - she eventually died on new years eve. My youngest brother (who has also sadly since died.) always said that he hated christmas after that because it was when our mother died. Being the voice of reason, I said that is not the fault of christmas; just bad timing! Christmas should be a happy time, I think my mother would be aghast if we spent christmas in some sort of penury simply because that is the season when she died. Christmas will be different obviously, but it can still be fun. I think you have to make your own traditions; you have to move on in some sort of way. We currently have my fil coming towards the end of his life, when he dies, that is the last of our Christmas guests gone. But, tbh, when you are retired and childless, as we are, christmas no longer has the same nostalgic spell it had when you are young and surrounded by family, it is just another day with perhaps a few added indulgences. We are thinking of enjoying future Christmases in far flung, warm, places. We will really enjoy christmas, but in a totally different way.

This is my first Christmas without my Dad. It's weird and I'm finding it hard pulling everything together, but putting the effort for DD.
Luckily DH and in laws have been really supportive so that helps a lot.

Nextphone that was mean and uncalled for.

It does get easier. Like all celebrations and anniversaries after having lost someone very close, it just takes time. Time is a great healer despite certain events being particular reminders of those who are gone.

I lost my mother very suddenly just before Christmas 9 years ago, and only 4 weeks after my first DS was born and it was just horrific, and my dad crumbled as did we all. But that Christmas we all stayed together and talked about her endlessly, wonderful memories, as we felt that enormous hole where she should have been. Then the following year was quieter and sad but we'd passed a year, and each year we pressed on feeling sad but not quite so much, and so on. I have found that being away somewhere different some years has helped hugely, as it was just doing something different that she would never have been anyway.

And all the DC make Christmas a happy time and new traditions with new DC are created anyway.

But above all, life continues on and where the memories threatened to choke me, they now lie somewhere manageable low in my tummy. We raise a glass and i inwardly cry for a minute and then get on with the day generally very happy.

It's just time, and it doesn't mean you love them any less, and they lie on your heart forever, but you will be able to manage and enjoy Christmas, or any celebration again at some point. The good memories eventually outshine anything else.

Thinking of all who have lost a parent at this time.

This will be my first Christmas without my dad and the we lost my mother in law on the 1st December , I think there is always going to be a void . To be honest I will be glad when its all over.

I lost my Dad in 1992, and was 20 at the time ... We are a big family, and had big family Christmases, so it used to really hard. I got older, got married, had my own children, and Christmas was back to being a magical time again. I still miss Dad, and did shed a tear in church last weekend, but I don’t feel sad on the day itself.
We have a cocktail party on Boxing Day, play games and have fun.
Time is a great healer

My lovely Dad died 8 days ago.

I want to just sit with my thoughts and try to work it all out and cry if I want to. I think that's what I'd want if it was an option- maybe actually distraction and being busy is better/ healthier/ functioning?

But I've 2 little ones that I have a chance to give a good Xmas to if I can pull myself together.
An 18th bday on Xmas day too for 1 of our older ones.
The 1st Xmas for our 1st grandaughter too- she's 5weeks and my Dad was so excited about becoming a great-grandad, but will never meet her now.

His presents are under the tree ready to take to Mum & Dad's on Xmas day like always- what do I do with them?
Is it still Mum & Dad's house? I don't want to say "We're going to Nana's".

On Tuesday I swung by Argos to pick Paw Patrol toys, before meeting with the funeral director, nipped to my brother's to check he hadn't OD'd, got to my parents and phoned professionals & hospice equipment collection blah blah...took mum shopping, then took DD1 to a panto plus McDonald's with a cheery smile in place, plus dealt with overtired DD2 constantly, then set up the stupid elf & calendars, then reserved more argos toys between researching probate law and stonemason recommendations and possible wake venues, then got a few hours sleep before morning school run.

On autopilot. Just functioning. Loads of stuff done, that's good.
But I feel numb and surreal and I don't have time to stop and think and cry.
I don't want to let myself have time to cry. I won't stop, I won't get back up again.

Is that really unhealthy? Most people would do this wouldn't they- crack on with Xmas arrangements alongside funeral arrangements, put on a brave face for the kiddies, then allow yourself time to break down after the funeral and once the kids were back at school so you can cry and be angry at the world without them seeing?

It's my bday next week too. 3 days after xmas.
I don't want a card from my mum I don't think?
How do I say that to her? It's irrational isn't it? I'll upset her by mentioning it, but then I don't want her to be struck by loss if she doesn't think about it until she's got the pen poised ready? 50 years of writing your name side-by-side the other half of you. And then it just stops. Just like that.

So no cards for Xmas or for bday. I don't want to open it and see just my lovely mum's name at the bottom, when just over a week ago he could have signed it or his name would have been there too cos he was here and alive and...I don't want to write just my mum's name at the top of a card that's just for "Mum", not the one I've bought for "Mum & Dad". He was here last week. His slippers are still at the bottom of the stairs. His coaster is next to his chair. His post-it notes on stuff.

His cardigan's with me here now cos it smells of him. That won't last forever will it. I want to remember it forever. What my childhood and my home and my Dad smelt like- what a nutcase lol...silly...I've heard other people remember scent & aftershave though so...

I don't know when Xmas or my birthday or anything will ever feel happy again. I don't know when anything will feel joyful ever again.
My most favourite time of year- full of family and love and laughter and hectic celebration after celebration.
But now it all feels dark. And desolate. And just dead...nothing... boring...like all the good feelings & emotions have finished- life will never feel as happy again. I'm so so sad. I didn't know it would physically hurt and ache so much.

OP I'm so so sorry for your loss of your wonderful Dad, and also for your FIL this year. I hope that time is something that numbs the edges of your loss for you- I'm praying that it can't feel this bleak forever.
I hope all the memories of happier times with them will eventually be enough to live on with and remember them without pain xx

Sorry to all of you who have lost parents

This is slightly different because they are still alive but we don't see DH's parents any more. It's a very long and complicated story but basically they relationship broke down and DH's attempts to reestablish some kind of relationship were unsuccessful. It's not a bereavement but it is a loss, and it's very painful. I struggle with the thought that if only things were different, we could be celebrating Christmas with them. I don't think the pain will go away, but perhaps we will learn to live with it better.

This is my 5 Christmas without my mum - you can still enjoy it, but it's different, your whole world has changed and it's okay to remember those we love and miss at these times and feel sad and have a cry for them.

Please ignore the poster above who seems to think that we can put grief in a box and carry on as normal, it's not possible when normal has changed.

Oh @KittyConCarne, the world has changed for ever but the joy does return. Stay strong. 💐

@KittyConCarne
Sorry for your loss .

Kitty I totally understand the cards thing, my Dad died the month before my birthday, I asked Mum not to send me a card and she totally understood, I also didn't send dh a Father's Day card off dd, I couldn't face even looking at them let alone buying one.

My dad died suddenly 3 months ago . He was quite elderly but to receive the news by phone one Saturday was quite a shock . The first few weeks were fine and I was surprised at how well I was coping . Then I had about 3-4 weeks of thinking I was cracking up and was dreading Christmas . However , I’m looking forward to it these last few days . I was in the city Centre yesterday and was telling my dd of lovely memories I had of being in certain shops on pre Christmas days out with my dad and all I felt was a sense of happiness .
Everyone has their own way of grieving and dealing with loss whether it was 30 days or 30 years ago .
Sending good wishes to everyone who may not be feeling the Christmas spirit at the moment .