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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband messaging old school friend

78 replies

Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 08:45

Hi there. Wondering if I’m right being upset or not? I’ve known husband was messaging his old female school friend who is a burlesque dancer. Not bothered. He was invited to a show next year. Again not bothered. I checked the messages which sounds awful of me but we are quite open about that and they talk about family etc but also how they wish they had had sex, how she would love to sit on his knee with glitter, he would .....love to see her tassels. She’s shown him photos of her half naked in her show, no problem, but also sent one with her in her bra with lots of cleavage and another of her butt crack. I asked him about it and it’s friends catching up and I’m taking it out of context. I just think if it was me he wouldn’t be happy.
Now I’m feeling really rubbish about myself anyway so I could understand why he would get excited about a hot girl messaging him. Maybe I’m just weird!

OP posts:

Mummadeeze · 22/12/2019 08:48

I am pretty open minded but saying they wished they had had sex is definitely flirting and crossing the line. I would go with him to the burlesque show if I were you. And I would also tell him his style of catching up is disrespectful!

StapleTakerOuter · 22/12/2019 08:52

They chatted about how they wish they had sex ? Of course it’s not nothing!

ALLMYSmellySocks · 22/12/2019 08:53

YANBU. I would be fine with him catching up with a female friend and wouldn't are she was a burlesque dancer but their actual messages sound completely over the line. Maybe he was just using these flirty messages as an outlet without planning on taking it further (or maybe he was testing the water and was going to cheat in person) either way it definitely crosses a line.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/12/2019 08:56

He’s being a sleaze, and completely betraying you. He’s flirting and showing a direct sexual interest in another woman - doesn’t matter when/how they first met.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 22/12/2019 08:59

He's crossing the line between catching up with an old friend and flirting (pretty brazenly)

FourEyesGood · 22/12/2019 09:01

That’s not how old friends catch up. That’s basically sexting.

FrivolousPancake · 22/12/2019 09:01

How are you being so cool about this?
Not “no problem” at all OP, it sounds like a rather big problem.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/12/2019 09:03

Saying they wished they had had sex is sex talk. Old friends catching up is asking what they're up to these days etc. Its not acceptable imo. Would he really be fine with you messaging a hot guy saying you wished you'd sucked his dick or something?

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 22/12/2019 09:05

OP how are you in a situation where your ‘D’H is having text conversations with another women openly saying he wished they had had sex, flirting and having clearly sexualised chat and he convinces you it’s fine and it’s you with the problem?

You know it’s not ok.
You know you find it upsetting
You know it’s completely disrespectful

There is so much wrong if he thinks he can tell you it’s all ok and you question yourself

I think your marriage is in serious crisis

If you love him and prior to this all was well then maybe you can work it out but think very hard about how he makes you feel? Does he support you, champion you and lift you up? Respect you? Value you?

I’m guessing not

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2019 09:05

He's basically cheated on you

itgetshardereveryday · 22/12/2019 09:13

Ffs!! Of course that's not old friends catching up. If he gets the opportunity he will shag her.

CrazyMoma · 22/12/2019 09:18

YANBU. Openess or not, I would sternly tell him that I found the message disrespectful, i dare say he wouldn't like it if it was the other way round. There is no way I would let him go to the show without you.

YorkshirePud1 · 22/12/2019 09:18

None of that is OK. I'm very easygoing and wouldn't have an issue with my husband catching up with a burlesque-dancing old friend either. But the second it starts turning sexual - big no-no. It's very disrespectful and even if it never progresses to more than flirting and suggestion, it's still a betrayal of your relationship. Don't let him make you think this is your issue, it's not normal.

Ohfrigginghellers · 22/12/2019 09:22

Just friends catching up? Yeah right. He's taking the p*ss!

brighteyeowl17 · 22/12/2019 09:24

‘Catching up’ people don’t say they wish they had sex catching up!

itsahiiiipoop · 22/12/2019 09:28

Upset? I'd be fucking livid. He's massively overstepping the line and clearly would have an affair with her if given the opportunity.

How are you so calm about this? He said he wished he'd had sex with her and she sent him photos of her tits and arse ad you see it as no problem. How is this normal catching up with old friends??

GruciusMalfoy · 22/12/2019 09:30

That's not catching up, that's people flirting, and the invitation is gearing up to worse. He has absolutely crossed a line, and anyone with an ounce of common sense would say the same thing.

peachypetite · 22/12/2019 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Piffle11 · 22/12/2019 09:35

Is this real? He’s saying they’re just ‘catching up’??? If they meet up they’re going to be having sex. They both wish they had years ago, she’s letting him know she’s still up for it, and by engaging in the conversation, he’s letting her know that he’s still up for it, too. I can’t decide whether he’s trying to normalise it by letting you know he’s in touch with her, or whether he actually doesn’t give a shit about what you think.

AnyFucker · 22/12/2019 09:36

What ?

Original poster

Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 09:42

Not a troll I assure you. We have had problems in the past and this year has been tough. he is very good at making things my fault or it’s all in my head and the way he came off when I mentioned it yesterday did make me wonder if I was being a bit over reactive. I feel a bit numb. I feel a bit done with everything. He has previously messaged a lady from work who I knew liked him and he had obviously deleted those messages. This was a year back. I said nothing but he brought up the fact if he was hiding something these would have been deleted. I mentioned the other messages to work lady and he said he deleted them as I was having mental issues (depression, anxiety). So that’s kind of what I’m dealing with. If there is anything going on it’s my fault. Always ends up me. I just worry I’m making it bigger then what it is and have no one to talk to about this at all.
Please don’t think I’m a troll. I have the screenshots to prove it.

OP posts:

lostfrequencies · 22/12/2019 09:42

Sending someone a photo of your bum crack is not "old friends catching up"

Yetanotherwinter · 22/12/2019 09:43

Old friends catching up! They are setting the scene for something to happen when they meet up. I’d be livid if I found these messages. It’s such a betrayal and what even more worrying is that he thinks it’s ok.

SugarThreat · 22/12/2019 09:44

LTB! I'm so sorry but that's absolutely unacceptable and I'd be telling him where to go

Tooner · 22/12/2019 09:49

Dear God, he's a creep and a twat. I would be telling him to leave. Hope you can find the strength to kick him out. He's taking you for a fool.

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