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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband messaging old school friend

78 replies

Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 08:45

Hi there. Wondering if I’m right being upset or not? I’ve known husband was messaging his old female school friend who is a burlesque dancer. Not bothered. He was invited to a show next year. Again not bothered. I checked the messages which sounds awful of me but we are quite open about that and they talk about family etc but also how they wish they had had sex, how she would love to sit on his knee with glitter, he would .....love to see her tassels. She’s shown him photos of her half naked in her show, no problem, but also sent one with her in her bra with lots of cleavage and another of her butt crack. I asked him about it and it’s friends catching up and I’m taking it out of context. I just think if it was me he wouldn’t be happy.
Now I’m feeling really rubbish about myself anyway so I could understand why he would get excited about a hot girl messaging him. Maybe I’m just weird!

OP posts:
Ceejly · 22/12/2019 09:49

He is blatantly sexting a woman and then gaslighting you about it. LTB.

Original poster
Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 09:49

Thank you everyone. I’m glad I’m being reasonable. I don’t really know where to go from here. His bloody family are here this weekend and he’s at work so great fun!

OP posts:
LauraKsWhiteCoat · 22/12/2019 09:50

He's laying the groundwork to shag her OP. Sorry.

dappledsunshine · 22/12/2019 09:51

If there is anything going on it’s my fault. Always ends up me. I just worry I’m making it bigger then what it is

Sorry op but he's done a really good job on you. Absolutely not your fault and you are not making this a bigger deal then it it. It's a really big deal Thanks

sarahjconnor · 22/12/2019 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristmasVag · 22/12/2019 09:53

I'd dump dh over this and I'm not kidding either.

Caramel78 · 22/12/2019 09:55

I would dump DP over this 100%. What a creep!

Whatnameisgood · 22/12/2019 09:57

He’s gaslighting you. The messages are not ok. Do you have someone you can talk to in real life about what you want to do and how to move forward?

Frozenfan2019 · 22/12/2019 10:01

This is definitely gaslighting. He is a creepy sleaze, how dare he try and make you think you are overreacting! I can't believe how many times you said "not a problem" it should be a fucking problem!!

I would leave honestly. Make 2020 the year you put yourself first.

By the way who are the 2% who think YABU?

CookieWarbler · 22/12/2019 10:01

What a peach. I have a strong suspicion that any depression or anxiety you suffer from would be dramatically improved by getting rid of this toxic man.
He's managed to convince you that everything is your fault and that his behaviour is completely reasonable. He's gaslighting you - please look it up if you've not heard of it. It's emotional abuse and you deserve so much better.
His behaviour is absolutely not normal and OK.

CookieWarbler · 22/12/2019 10:03

Not normal and not OK (wish there was an edit button!)

Original poster
Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 10:03

I don’t. The lease isn’t in my name. My business is here though so I have two weeks to get sorted as I’m off right now. I need to get money sorted as I have £11 to my name . Bloody Christmas time as well!

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/12/2019 10:06

Ask him which bra makes your boobs look best because you need to send a picture to your old male stripper friend.

Ceejly · 22/12/2019 10:07

You have screenshots. I'd break up with him asap and if his family ask why, offer to show them the screenshots.

NurseButtercup · 22/12/2019 10:07

YANBU

You do realise he's planning to have sex with her after watching her burlesque show next year?

Don't let him brush you off with the "I was only joking, you're too sensitive.."

MozzchopsThirty · 22/12/2019 10:07

My goodness he is my EX husband

Everything was always my fault, he never apologised for anything, he had messages with an old school friend flirting and arranging to meet.

LTB you deserve better and there is better out there

ISmellBabies · 22/12/2019 10:08

He's a serial cheat, and he's gaslighting you. If the messages are so innocent, he'll have no problem with you printing them out and giving his family a copy to read when they come over, will he? They can all enjoy a nice innocent catch up between two friends, with a nice innocent photo accompaniment of her in her underwear, her bumcrack, etc, and a nice innocent discussion on how they wished they'd had sex with each other. Perhaps you could all have a game of "guess what they'll get up to when they meet up next year". My guess would be a totally innocent friends-catching-up shaggathon. Nothing wrong with that. You'd have to be paranoid, mad and controlling to have any objections to it!!
Ltb. He's a cheating, gaslighting, self-esteem robbing, mental-health damaging prick.

brummiesue · 22/12/2019 10:25

If this is actually real....stop trying to be all cool accepting. Its disgusting disrespectful behaviour and you are an idiot to put up with it!

Original poster
Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 10:35

You know what I’m not being all cool with it. My kids are here and my in-laws are coming round at 11.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/12/2019 10:41

Ask MIL how she's feel if FIL was receiving pictures from burlesque dancers and messages saying she'd like to sit on his knee.

misskick · 22/12/2019 11:01

He is gaslighting you. Friends do not send messages about wishing they had sex. They are both clearly in the wrong. Msg her and ask her does she think it's acceptable to message a your husband/partner. If you let your partner get away with this and brush it off he will continue to do this to you this to you. If it isn't her it will be someone else because he can and then just downplay it and say they are just friends.

misskick · 22/12/2019 11:03

Excuse the double wording 🤪

nowaypose · 22/12/2019 11:04

Old friends typically catch up by discussing work, family, their lives generally. They don’t discuss how they wish they had sex and essentially sext with each other. Tbh, the invitation to the burlesque dancing would’ve been enough for me.

churchandstate · 22/12/2019 11:04

Over-reactive? I think you are reacting in a very strange, calm manner that suggests someone has messed with your boundaries over a long period of time. If this was my husband he would be served up for Christmas lunch!

Original poster
Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 11:10

I too find my behaviour a bit weird. We have been together for 14 years and tbh we have had good moments and the rest has been pretty shit. I don’t know if I was just waiting for a reason to leave? I’m more in a panic about work, housing and money rather then my relationship. I’ve nearly broke up with him three times this year due to other matters. It might hit me later on. I’ve had a few mini rants to myself whilst walking the dog and I wish I could say what I want to him but part of me is a bit worried about being too upfront about stuff. I don’t know. Sorry everyone. I’m not being clear. I’ve messaged him at work to say this is it and we will have to get things sorted now. Apparently this whole thing is crazy!!!

OP posts: