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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband messaging old school friend

78 replies

Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 08:45

Hi there. Wondering if I’m right being upset or not? I’ve known husband was messaging his old female school friend who is a burlesque dancer. Not bothered. He was invited to a show next year. Again not bothered. I checked the messages which sounds awful of me but we are quite open about that and they talk about family etc but also how they wish they had had sex, how she would love to sit on his knee with glitter, he would .....love to see her tassels. She’s shown him photos of her half naked in her show, no problem, but also sent one with her in her bra with lots of cleavage and another of her butt crack. I asked him about it and it’s friends catching up and I’m taking it out of context. I just think if it was me he wouldn’t be happy.
Now I’m feeling really rubbish about myself anyway so I could understand why he would get excited about a hot girl messaging him. Maybe I’m just weird!

OP posts:
churchandstate · 22/12/2019 11:13

Oh get rid of him!

DawgLover · 22/12/2019 11:19

What a horrible weasel your husband is. I can't believe he used your mental health to gaslight you into accepting his shitty behaviour.

You do deserve more than this, and it sounds like you might be starting to realise that too. Good luck op

ChristmasSweet · 22/12/2019 11:21

He's probably already shagged her, you know that right?

koshkat · 22/12/2019 11:26

Whenever I see OPs like this my heart breals a little. OP you are worth SO MUCH MORE than this sleazy horrible man.

Find your self respect (and I do not mean that in a nasty way but these types of men have a way of making women feel low and worthless).

I would be out of the door personally and never look back.

Cloudyapples · 22/12/2019 11:31

Op ask him if it’s no big deal he won’t mind you sending some half naked pics to an old friends ‘because it’s just catching up’ seriously you are not being unreasonable don’t let him manipulate you into thinking you are. Ever wondered if the depression and anxiety might have lifted without him around?

Arrrkid · 22/12/2019 11:41

YAabsolutelyNBU

BlueSuffragette · 22/12/2019 11:44

He has noove or respect for you. He's irting and means it, so much so he will go through with it. No way does he see you as his equal. Get some self worth and dump him.

BarbedBloom · 22/12/2019 11:46

YABU not to kick him out. I would have ended a relationship over those texts, it would be cheating to me.

itsahiiiipoop · 22/12/2019 12:03

You are absolutely right op and his “crazy” comments can fuck right off. He’s been playing this game with you for far too long.

I would end my marriage over this. It’s cheating. I wouldn’t be with someone who showed me such little respect and then had the audacity to gas light me upon raising the issue. Silly little wanker.

Cacklingmags · 22/12/2019 12:10

They are planning to fuck and he is gaslighting you. Take care of yourself as best you can and chuck him out.

Original poster
Fallonuk · 22/12/2019 14:04

Sorry everyone. In-laws have just left. Mentioned all this to mil and she can’t believe that it is him. She didn’t want to see the messages but thinks we just need to have a chat about our relationship so I’m very glad I asked on here!

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 22/12/2019 14:43

Jesus. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking that is normal. Because that is NOT normal. He’s gone way, way beyond the line. The line is a dot to him.

Motoko · 22/12/2019 16:05

She didn't want to see the messages, because she doesn't want to see what her son is really like. She's probably wondering where she went wrong bringing him up, and feels that his behaviour is a reflection of her parenting. So, she'll minimise and stick her head in the sand. Ultimately, he's her son, so she'll side with him.

ISmellBabies · 22/12/2019 16:24

I agree Motoko. It's her son she'll have to effectively side with, so she'll want to know as little as possible about what he's doing.

WaggleWiggle · 22/12/2019 17:09

You are absolutely, categorically, definitely NOT being unreasonable. It’s actually outrageous that he’s trying to spin this like he’s innocent and you are paranoid / anxious about nothing. Disrespectful sleazebag.

windycuntryside · 22/12/2019 17:39

Messaging an old friend no problem
Flirting and regretting not shagging her.... big problem. He is being defensive. Turn this round, ask him how he would he would feel if you were saying these things to another ?

userxx · 22/12/2019 17:48

Sit on his knee with glitter? How bizarre

DrManhattan · 22/12/2019 22:51

Omg I bet hes up to all sorts.
Get out of that situation. You dont deserve to be made a fool of xxxxx

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 22/12/2019 22:58

MIL is shoving her head in the sand because it's her precious boy, so bollocks to that crappy advice. I'd end it. He'll tell you you're overreacting, but he's a cheater.

Original poster
Fallonuk · 23/12/2019 06:07

Had a talk last night and we are going to have a good Christmas for the children but we are finally finished. He has said I can stay in the house though I likely won’t be able to afford to do so. Unsure where to go from here or what to do now.

OP posts:
brighteyeowl17 · 23/12/2019 08:11

He has said you can stay in the house??? He should be the one who goes! Is he staying with the kids?

Motoko · 23/12/2019 09:14

Well, isn't that magnanimous of him!

The house will be part of the marital assets sorted out during the divorce. It generally goes that the parent with care of the children, gets a larger share of the house, but if you can't afford it, the house will need to be sold and you'd get the larger share of the equity.

Don't agree to anything until you've spoken to a solicitor. Get legal advice as soon after the New Year as you can.

WatchingTheMoon · 23/12/2019 09:16

I'm glad you finished it OP.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 10:59

@brighteyeowl17 can you read?

brighteyeowl17 · 23/12/2019 21:27

Yes I can read why so snipey one reason why I dislike this platform sometimes!