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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I regret flying halfway across the globe to be with my mum for Christmas

80 replies

annoyedposter · 22/12/2019 07:18

My mum and I have always had a fractious relationship. She tries, and she's not a bad parent by any chance. She, however, has always been extremely 'image conscious' and obsessed with the thoughts and opinions of everyone around her.

One example that sticks out in my mind was me at 15 with acne and on topical adapalene as prescribe by my dermatologist. Guess what? I was still forced to wear makeup (in bloody Australian heat) whenever we went out together because she was afraid that people would think negatively of me (and her by extension) for it! Suffice to say she has given me self-esteem issues which I have thankfully (mostly) gotten over more than 10 years later.

We're now on different continents, and text/call occasionally. This year, I decided to visit her for Christmas. Now that I'm here, I completely regret it. I showed up in with no makeup and my hair in a bun, and was judged for it!! On top of that, she now has a new DP (of 5 years) who's living with her and I find myself having to practically tip-toe around the house because this 'need to impress' of hers extends to him and I honestly can't be bothered anymore.

I'm also greatly discouraged from getting a hotel room for myself because she thinks it will 'look silly to be paying from that' when they've got spare bedrooms.

AIBU to get a hotel room and just show up for the Christmas dinner (which she will make awkward and then blame me for it), or should I just grin and bear it since I'll be off on my merry way home in about a week's time?

Apologies for the lack of cohesiveness — think I'm still sleep deprived!

OP posts:

missjaysays · 22/12/2019 07:21

Get a hotel! Enjoy your holiday, go for Christmas and tell your mother 'literally NOBODY cares'

Peoples are too busy worrying about themselves .

Happy Xmas

OhDear2200 · 22/12/2019 07:23

Hotel now!!!

Enjoy your break.

LunaMay · 22/12/2019 07:24

I'd book a hotel, preferably one that's serving Christmas lunch and can fit me in, then visit mum Christmas eve

Although in reality i'd probably just grin and bare it, my other is like this although has mellowed over the years.

Do you have other family over here you can see on your own for a break?

Awrite · 22/12/2019 07:24

If you would prefer to stay in a hotel room - go for it. What do you have to lose?

By the way - your Mum does sound like a bad Mum.

Booberella9 · 22/12/2019 07:24

Yup you were hoping after all this time she would be so glad to see you that she would moderate her shitty behaviour. Nope!

Lesson learned, people don't change. You don't owe her anything, get the hotel if you prefer and don't waste a second more thinking about any of this. Plan in some fun stuff to do solo while you're there!

GaaaaarlicBread · 22/12/2019 07:26

Hotel ! Tell your mum nobody cares and enjoy your holiday ! I’m sure it wasn’t a cheap flight so make the most of it ! X

ivykaty44 · 22/12/2019 07:28

Chill out in your room with jet lag for a couple of days - read a good book

Tell your mum that you’re pleased to see her whatever state she looks like, do make sure your critique “all that muck” on her face, she’s drinking to much...sorry mums a lush. Say all this in your head

But do say out loud repeatedly “everyone’s different mum so start accepting me for who I am”

Every time she makes a comment repeat the same phrase.... make it the same word over again

Say it calmly and pleasantly but very firmly

You can add occasionally

I’ve come a long way to visit so let’s just have a nice time together, firmly

HappyInL0nd0n · 22/12/2019 07:28

Sorry to hear that, OP.

Perhaps a different view. I'm home for Christmas this year with my family and struggling a bit. I'm just gritting my teeth and getting through.

Won't be back for the next few Christmases, that's for sure, but I'd rather not make a scene and feel guilty about it for the rest of the year.

That's just me though. Your Mum sounds thoroughly unpleasant and narcissistic.

mousemousse · 22/12/2019 07:30

Tell her you're getting a hotel because you heard someone over the fence assume that you were too poor to get a hotel and that's why you're staying there

FreyaMountstuart · 22/12/2019 07:33

Leave - next available flight! I did this once and found it liberating!

Happymum12345 · 22/12/2019 07:34

My mum is a little like this but only lives up the road. Stay with. Tell her that you feel sad when she talks about appearances with you. Don't bring up the past, focus on today's situation. I have accepted that my mum gets things wrong & has faults. Not every mum has the gene of showing love & kindness in a way you would hope for. As a grandmother she's totally different & says she's leant a lot from me about how to treat children. There is hope!

Original poster

annoyedposter · 22/12/2019 07:35

No other family, unfortunately.

Yup you were hoping after all this time she would be so glad to see you that she would moderate her shitty behaviour.

You've hit the nail on the head. Honestly it's not as if I showed up unwashed! Don't understand why I have to style my hair and put on concealer or something to 'brighten up my face' in the bloody house.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2019 07:36

mouse
Lol

A parents job is to help build their child’s self esteem. Your mother doesn’t sound great tbh. Do what suits you and get a hotel room. Do you have any local friends you could visit?

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/12/2019 07:38

Hotel.

My daughter is home for Christmas, I'm practically jumping up and down with excitement. Don't let her spend a week damaging your self-esteem, it will not build back up as quickly.

BlackSwan · 22/12/2019 07:42

I refused to travel this distance to see (certain members of) my family - dredges up too many bad memories considering my crap childhood. I don't owe them

Cosmos45 · 22/12/2019 07:42

She sounds just like my mum, I swear I going to put ‘But what will people think’ on her gravestone.. I have no advice on how to deal with, but can empathise..

divafever99 · 22/12/2019 07:42

I would definitely be booking a hotel! Preferably one with a pool and spa so I could enjoy a bit of pampering and have my hair in a messy bun and wear no make up! Your her daughter and you have travelled thousands of miles to see her at Christmas. I would be just be thrilled to see my daughter and wouldn't care what she looked like. Really shitty behaviour, I hope you manage to have a good Christmas op.

Equanimitas · 22/12/2019 07:51

Tell her you're not going to spend your holiday adjusting your hair and make-up and tiptoeing round the house; therefore she has a choice between accepting you as you are or accepting that you're moving out to a hotel

tribpot · 22/12/2019 07:57

Don't understand why I have to style my hair and put on concealer or something to 'brighten up my face' in the bloody house.

You don't have to do it anywhere, let alone in the house.

The only thing which does seem sensible is sunscreen, given it appears to be about 3000 degrees in Australia at the moment. And even that isn't needed in the house

I would tell her straight that if her house rules include full styling at all time, you'll move to a hotel where you can relax and enjoy yourself.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/12/2019 08:00

I’d go to a hotel and not return for Xmas without an apology tbh.

You’ve travelled a long way to relax and enjoy time with your family. Not be judged for your every action and the way you look. It’s not fair.

scubadive · 22/12/2019 08:02

I would give it a bit longer.

Call her out on every comment and turn it around, reply to each comment,....
why do you feel the need to put things on your skin all the time, I prefer a fresh faced look.

Don’t you think it would be good to give your skin a rest from time to time. Etc etc.

Make it clear that ‘her’ way is not the only way or the right way.

If it gets unbearably, tell her. Tell her you are disappointed that she’s not just over the moon to see you and if the criticism carries on, you will need to leave.

Radardodgingninga · 22/12/2019 08:02

Book a hotel with a nice pool or change your flights and go home early. This is your holiday and you are entitled to enjoy it. Don’t be brainwashed by her into staying because of what other people might think. I’m sure no one will think it odd that you prefer a hotel, anyone who knows her will probably understand perfectly. Do not stay at her house to be judged and bullied. I wouldn’t even bother going there for Christmas Day. A day on your own with a good book, a nice restaurant meal/takeaway and control of the TV remote sounds infinitely better than being carped at.

And she doesn’t sound like a very good mum to me.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 22/12/2019 08:02

Don't understand why I have to style my hair and put on concealer or something to 'brighten up my face' in the bloody house.

I'd be tempted to go full Goth . . . .

mathanxiety · 22/12/2019 08:02

Your mother is a narcissist.

Nothing you do in response is unreasonable. (Apart from murder).

vassdal · 22/12/2019 08:03

I'd just go to a hotel. A week is a long time with someone getting at you all the time.

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