I regret flying halfway across the globe to be with my mum for Christmas

[annoyedposter]

My mum and I have always had a fractious relationship. She tries, and she's not a bad parent by any chance. She, however, has always been extremely 'image conscious' and obsessed with the thoughts and opinions of everyone around her.

One example that sticks out in my mind was me at 15 with acne and on topical adapalene as prescribe by my dermatologist. Guess what? I was still forced to wear makeup (in bloody Australian heat) whenever we went out together because she was afraid that people would think negatively of me (and her by extension) for it! Suffice to say she has given me self-esteem issues which I have thankfully (mostly) gotten over more than 10 years later.

We're now on different continents, and text/call occasionally. This year, I decided to visit her for Christmas. Now that I'm here, I completely regret it. I showed up in with no makeup and my hair in a bun, and was judged for it!! On top of that, she now has a new DP (of 5 years) who's living with her and I find myself having to practically tip-toe around the house because this 'need to impress' of hers extends to him and I honestly can't be bothered anymore.

I'm also greatly discouraged from getting a hotel room for myself because she thinks it will 'look silly to be paying from that' when they've got spare bedrooms.

AIBU to get a hotel room and just show up for the Christmas dinner (which she will make awkward and then blame me for it), or should I just grin and bear it since I'll be off on my merry way home in about a week's time?

Apologies for the lack of cohesiveness — think I'm still sleep deprived!

Be thankful you’re not married to the selfish bastard your mum is with. Much more preferable to be single than with someone like him, make up or no make up.
My mother had a go at me for wearing leggings when I was newly married and just had a baby. She said I needed to ‘make an effort’ or hubby would go off me. These women are fifties brain washed throwbacks who were taught that having a man was the be all and end all.

Blinking heck!

Good you have a hotel booked. I hope you get to enjoy the rest of your trip.

Thing I finally learned:
I know you think you love me and you're telling me this shit for my own good.
But there are many many people who manage to love me WITHOUT HATING ME at the same time.
There are many people who actually think I am fine the way I am.
When I moved away, I learned that not everybody in my little town thinks like you do. And maybe they know just as much, possibly more, than you do.
You're just one person. Your opinion is not more important than anyone else's.
If you feel embarrassed by the way I am, then you need to control your emotions if you want to have a relationship with me. Because this is about your oversensitivity to your own feelings of disdain for me. And I'm not interested in hearing them.
If you want to get along with me, you have to be at least as pleasant as you would be to a stranger, otherwise, I will not engage with you. There will be no sniping, There will be no criticizing, there will be no unpleasantness whatsoever. It will all be civilized or I will disengage immediately with no exceptions.

• - -

This policy has been 100 percent effective for me.

poor lady to live her life like that. it must be absolutely exhausting.

please yourself. she's deeply flawed and you can't help her with that.

Sounds like my mum - always commenting on my looks, weight or clothes. I can't do right - if I'm thin, she gets jealous and still comments.

I stopped seeing her when she started on my teenage daughters' weight and looks.

I would say mine is a narcissist and yours sounds the same.