I regret flying halfway across the globe to be with my mum for Christmas

[annoyedposter]

My mum and I have always had a fractious relationship. She tries, and she's not a bad parent by any chance. She, however, has always been extremely 'image conscious' and obsessed with the thoughts and opinions of everyone around her.

One example that sticks out in my mind was me at 15 with acne and on topical adapalene as prescribe by my dermatologist. Guess what? I was still forced to wear makeup (in bloody Australian heat) whenever we went out together because she was afraid that people would think negatively of me (and her by extension) for it! Suffice to say she has given me self-esteem issues which I have thankfully (mostly) gotten over more than 10 years later.

We're now on different continents, and text/call occasionally. This year, I decided to visit her for Christmas. Now that I'm here, I completely regret it. I showed up in with no makeup and my hair in a bun, and was judged for it!! On top of that, she now has a new DP (of 5 years) who's living with her and I find myself having to practically tip-toe around the house because this 'need to impress' of hers extends to him and I honestly can't be bothered anymore.

I'm also greatly discouraged from getting a hotel room for myself because she thinks it will 'look silly to be paying from that' when they've got spare bedrooms.

AIBU to get a hotel room and just show up for the Christmas dinner (which she will make awkward and then blame me for it), or should I just grin and bear it since I'll be off on my merry way home in about a week's time?

Apologies for the lack of cohesiveness — think I'm still sleep deprived!

I feel sorry for your mum, being so stressed about appearances. I think you are wise to consider a hotel, you need to do whatever is best in the short term because your mum isn't going to improve by you telling her to. Its clearly a deep rooted insecurity and not one there is a Christmas magic wand for unfortunately. I hope you have a few good moments though during your stay, hold onto those.

I think stick it out a bit longer if you can, but try to address it with her or challenge the comments she makes. You’d presumably need to give some explanation anyway of why you were moving to a hotel. But move out if it becomes really unbearable, and I suppose you’ll think twice about going there again.

I would say calmly; I am disappointed to have to be saying this since I've flown half way round the world to see you but if you won't stop making personal remarks about me I will have to go stay in a hotel. Don't let her engage you in an argument, just raise your eyebrows if she starts.

I agree with other OP...go and find a nice hotel and chill.

I'm working toward NC with my Mum...I sent her a photo of DS a few months ago, the first she had 'seen' of him in 6 months. She whittled on and on about his acne and would it scar etc. The most recent call she still went on and on about his acne. Of all the things she could of talked about, how much he'd grown etc. She is like your mother obsessed about how things look to outsiders. Quite frankly it ruined my teen years and I would be buggered if she will put that on my kids.

Go and have some fun away from her, I know it's hard to retort to this kind of behaviour

Is her husband wearing make up and styling his hair for you?

Reckon going to a hotel might be good for both of you actually. Just my personal experience but I've never regretted (finally) setting that sort of boundary, people tend to respond well to them - or reveal themselves as complete and utter narcs, but at least that way, you know for sure. Wishing you a lovely Christmas, whatever you decide!

If it were me I’d just get on a plane back home.

What exactly did she say when she judged you for having no makeup on when you arrived?

Oh op, you poor thing. This sounds awful. I’d book a hotel and gently tell her why. She needs to know how this affects you and why you are leaving.

I am not apologising for her but I think I know where this comes from. She is cripplingly insecure and extends her needs to impress/please Everyone else to you and how you reflect on her (in terms of parenting/appearance/standing etc). SO many parents are like this to a certain extent - my child’s success is my success kind of thing - but hopefully not quite as toxic. My daughter makes no effort with Self care, clothes/hair etc, she is 10 but when we go out I do like her to brush her hair and wear something vaguely matching. She doesn’t and it was starting to become a wrangle. She one day said ‘mummy why does it make a difference to you? This is me, I don’t need to match, stop trying to control me’. It woke me up a bit. It shocked me because it was so true and such an adult observation. Now, when she puts on a hideous combo (mismatching first pair of leggings and tshirt she could find) we do a comedy routine where I say ‘must...not...comment...’ and she laughs and says ‘well done’. Or I don’t comment at all but it does nearly kill me.

If she hadn’t had the balls to call me out on this at ten this might have continued. I too am cripplingky insecure and genuinely care too much what others think. Loads of reasons for that but no excuse at 40 to make others wear that insecurity. I love that my daughter doesn’t give a shit what people think - shows I’ve done part of my parenting job really well. The rest is a work in progress.

Maybe have this conversation with your mum, if you can? ‘It’s not me, it’s you that has the issue and you need to back off?’ Could you do this?

I definitely would advocate for staying in a hotel to limit contact with your mother as she is pretty toxic.

I think it's worth telling her how you feel but this may or may not result in the changes that you want to see.

If you would be happier going home ASAP then do that and feel no guilt.

Counselling might help when you get home because her mothering sounds very damaging and it's not easy to recover from a childhood like that. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this treatment OP.

I’d just call her out when she makes comments, “I’ve flown half way across the world and all you care about is my appearance. If you don’t have anything nice to say I’ll be booking myself into a hotel and I won’t be coming back to visit on other years if all you want to do is tear my self confidence apart.” Just be blunt.. my DM is the same. Only way you’ll get her to stop.

She doesn’t sound great but I’d probably grin and bear it as it’s one week out of your life & you’ve flown all the way to Oz and are unlikely to see her again for ages. I agree with the PP about not taking the comments (any) lying down but being pleasant about it. I’ve got 5 days with my folks - DF is recovering from an op and is sour, DM can suck the joy out of anything and DS is talking about leaving her husband - on top of that DH doesn’t like any of them. We live 5 hours away so escape this the majority of the time. You’ve escaped too so if you can, grit your teeth and soldier on!

Not defending your DM but her life must be purgatory trying to keep up appearances.

"when you keep criticising your kids, then don't stop loving you, they stop loving themselves"

and

"the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice"

I wish that our parents had been aware of this!

I no longer have any contact with my mother because she was so negative about me, my appearance, my personality, my life choices, my children, etc... that I eventually realised she actually added nothing positive to my life at all. As my ex husband used to say, she wasn't even a neutral, she was a negative and we all 'suffered' from being in her company and having her in our lives.

I'm not suggesting you do similar (my mother's behaviour resulted in a Social Services Initial Assessment on my children so we had no choice in the matter), but I just wanted to reassure you that it is absolutely fine to do whatever it is you need to to enable you to cope with it.

Get a hotel, leave when you need to - do whatever is necessary to minimise her negative impact upon you.

Move to a hotel, start another post, so oz mns know where you are, and pop out for a bit of a shop or drink with one of us! Plenty of us with similar problems I'm sure would be happy to see you!

Oh, and don't give it a bit longer. She hasn't changed, leave her to it.

It’s only a week!
I could understand it more, if she was a religious zealot, dragging you off to church to confession every day.
This is hardly a big deal, by comparison?

When she says something to you that you feel is disapproving, how do you reply? Can you not have an sensible conversation with her? Start with ‘Oh mum, not this silly thing again?’

Then point out that you are an adult with your own set of values and that you don’t judge people by their outward appearances. Therefore, it’s pointless her judging you because you’ve no intention of changing and dressing up to please her or anyone else, so she may as well keep her opinions to herself. Then if she keeps mentioning what you’re wearing, just do a tinkly laugh and eye roll. Repeat as necessary.

In her world appearances do matter so it’s not fair to get churlish just because you disagree with her and she hasn’t changed her basic values in al these years.
After all, why should she change?

The issue is that she wants you to adopt her values and that’s where you have to take a stand and explain that you have chosen and are happy with your own values and opinions.

Can’t you go out somewhere on your own when you need some space?

Firstly, well done on being able to improve your self esteem. That's not an easy thing to do with a parent who constantly puts you down.

Secondly, going to a hotel may cause more problems than it solves. I did this last time I visited my family and it caused massive problems as all I heard about was The Shame of having to explain it to other people and "what do they think".

Thirdly, don't go back again. Keep a civil at distance relationship and accept she's never going to change.

Both my parents are like this and it's horrendous. It's so bad last time they saw me they didn't even bother to temper their disgust at me ("filthy lazy tramp") being their daughter, the shame, in public - much to my embarrassment someone I barely knew in the shop stood up for me.

I'm disabled and on very limited income so do not have the luxury of buying brand new (branded) clothes every season (sometimes I need to mend ripped clothes and this prompted the tramp comment - I sew well and no one else had noticed), nor do I have the luxury of being able to afford full time care, or expensive make up and need to use my walking sticks etc to get around.

id book in a hotel treat it like a holiday and as for turning up on xmas day sod that too

hotel.
preferably one with anemities (spa, pool) that you can make good use of.

and turn up for christmas dinner in your joggers wearing what comfortable for you.

have a lovely christmas.

I did also find that needing to go visit various local landmarks really helped me out. I invented a course which meant I simply must go visit them, bonus was at Christmas they were really quiet and peaceful. These days I know one of them is closed but they really were a life saver for me when I went back, which I did to visit other relatives who are now sadly dead so I don't go anymore. Also my condition has deterioated so much I can't travel anyway.

It’s your holiday too. You’re an adult. If you want a hotel, get a hotel. If you can’t be bothered, stay in the house. Her (and our) opinions should be irrelevant...

After years of this day in and day out, even after you have left home, is not as simple as a simple discussion it just doesn't work like that, and is hard to explain to people who haven't been through it.

I'll give you an example decades ago I was given this advice by a therapist who hadn't listened to the depth of the issues with my family and decided I "just" needed to stand up for myself and tell them I was an adult etc etc. The end result put me in hospital. It really isn't simple when dealing with certain types of people Before anyone asks I'd never been put in hospital as a result of my parents before taking that advice - their abuse was until then purely emotional and no that's never been recognised as a problem by anyone in RL, especially not hospital/Drs/social services who are all putting pressure on me to go back to live with my parents.

Respect, keeping my distance and days out as much as possible got me through when I needed to visit.

Get a hotel and if she comments on your appearance tell her that it's not OK and that you feel more comfortable with a more relaxed appearance and tell her she is not to comment again as it's rude.

If she makes a scene on Xmas day leave. She may prefer you to stay in her house but you don't have to do what she wants.

Well dinner yesterday was a real treat. Turned up in 'proper', mum-approved clothes to help prepare the food, sat through the entire meal listening to her DP talk about himself the entire time, and then we i.e. mum and I had to do all the washing/cleaning because her DP 'loves his relaxation time after every meal'! Whilst we were cleaning up, I was again told that maybe my lack of makeup is the reason why I don't have a boyfriend (don't actually want one) because men like it when women 'put in a bit of effort'. Amazing.

They're both at work today, and I'm actually in a much better mood having spent the entire morning out surfing! I've also booked a hotel for Christmas night, so that's 4 full days of bliss before my flight home I can look forward to.

Hope everyone's having a good holiday week!

At least the last bit is positive and as they’re at work today, you’ll have a bit of time for you.