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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I regret flying halfway across the globe to be with my mum for Christmas

80 replies

annoyedposter · 22/12/2019 07:18

My mum and I have always had a fractious relationship. She tries, and she's not a bad parent by any chance. She, however, has always been extremely 'image conscious' and obsessed with the thoughts and opinions of everyone around her.

One example that sticks out in my mind was me at 15 with acne and on topical adapalene as prescribe by my dermatologist. Guess what? I was still forced to wear makeup (in bloody Australian heat) whenever we went out together because she was afraid that people would think negatively of me (and her by extension) for it! Suffice to say she has given me self-esteem issues which I have thankfully (mostly) gotten over more than 10 years later.

We're now on different continents, and text/call occasionally. This year, I decided to visit her for Christmas. Now that I'm here, I completely regret it. I showed up in with no makeup and my hair in a bun, and was judged for it!! On top of that, she now has a new DP (of 5 years) who's living with her and I find myself having to practically tip-toe around the house because this 'need to impress' of hers extends to him and I honestly can't be bothered anymore.

I'm also greatly discouraged from getting a hotel room for myself because she thinks it will 'look silly to be paying from that' when they've got spare bedrooms.

AIBU to get a hotel room and just show up for the Christmas dinner (which she will make awkward and then blame me for it), or should I just grin and bear it since I'll be off on my merry way home in about a week's time?

Apologies for the lack of cohesiveness — think I'm still sleep deprived!

OP posts:
Villagegreenpreservation · 22/12/2019 08:15

Hotel ASAP and tell her it'll improve everyone's mood. Then enjoy all the facilities and relax. But yes to sunscreen

TeaLibrary · 22/12/2019 08:18

I would be getting on the next available flight home. No point staying abroad if your mum.is behaving like this towards you. You could be snug and safe in your own home for Christmas.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 22/12/2019 08:18

I live thousands of miles away from my daughter and would be jumping for joy, like Disforddarkchocolate, if she had decided to fly back to see us for Christmas this year. This will be our first Christmas without her being with us and I am gutted beyond belief. I really hope the reason she's not coming isn't because I drive her mad and she can't afford to stay in a hotel to keep her distance from me! (She says not!)
Tell your mother from me she should appreciate having her daughter with her at this family time of the year, and just enjoy your company, annoyedposter. Xmas Grin And yes, do move out to a hotel for both your sakes, hopefully you'll both have a better time when you're together, as a pp said, tell her the neighbours will think poorly of you that you can't afford to stay in a hotel!

RuffleCrow · 22/12/2019 08:23

Get the hotel room - and some books to help you cope with your mum (they might have to wait til you get back to blighty tho)

Don't be put off by the title but Susan Forward's Mothers Who Can't Love has helped me immensely wrt my own mother.

Also - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibbon has been a sanity-saver for me.

RuffleCrow · 22/12/2019 08:24

*Gibson

edgewater · 22/12/2019 08:27

Try and find a hotel or may be an Air B&B.

butterpuffed · 22/12/2019 08:27

I feel so sorry for you, OP, getting this reception from your DM and it seems sad to travel halfway across the world for a Christmas Dinner. Do you have any friends/relatives you could visit over the Christmas period?

It's all very well PP suggesting a stay in a hotel but it's going to be mighty difficult to find any with a spare room at this time of year. I'm afraid you may have to grin and bear it , hopefully you'll both find some middle ground. Smile

LizzieSiddal · 22/12/2019 08:33

I would give it a bit longer.

I would go with this. Give it one more day, tell her you’re disappointed that she’s still making personal comments about you. Ask her to please stop it or you will go and stay in a hotel.

Remember you are a grown woman now, and you don’t have to put up with this shit in silence. Tell her what you feel, if she doesn’t like it it’s her issue, not yours.x

TW2013 · 22/12/2019 08:34

Go and stay in a hotel, hasn't a good friend (from childhood/ met in London but they moved back) just messaged you from and invited you over to catch up. Go first thing Mon morning come back Christmas Eve and then vow not to come back for Christmas again.

Feelingabitashamed · 22/12/2019 08:39

Absolutely find a hotel/ air bnb if any are available and you won't bankrupt yourself doing so. A holiday shouldn't feel like you're counting down and you've spent a lot coming to see your mother. If it 'looks bad' ask her who exactly cares? Bet she can't name a soul although the one really affected by her treatment over the years is none other than her own daughter. Let her see a consequence of her actions.

Yetanotherwinter · 22/12/2019 08:44

Ever mind a hotel, I’d book a flight back home! She sounds awful. Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

kiki22 · 22/12/2019 08:45

My mums like this so was my Gran it stemed from my Gran leaving her abusive husband in the 60's and going home to her Irish Catholic family, the whole village was talking about it so they lived years trying to show everyone they were good decent people. My gran was in her 70's before she stopped worrying so much, my mums much better now after years of me telling her to stop judging others and the people who matter dont care and the people who care don't matter but still has moments of 'but that's the done thing'

It actually makes me really sad that people spend their lives worrying about what people thing it shows a massive lack of confidence and self love.

I would keep saying to your mum please don't make negative comments about me it hurts my feelings and I've come all this way to see you hopefully she gets it.

hazelnutlatte · 22/12/2019 08:48

No advice for you but a bit of solidarity - my mum sounds just like yours, and she is staying at my house at the moment! She has mostly given up on criticising my appearance, apart from making comments about how lovely SIL's make up looks and maybe she could buy some for me, but she has moved on to criticising my house.
Apparently the shelves in my living room are 'abnormal,' It's disgusting to have soap in the bathroom instead of hand wash, the sofa is an embarrasment and my aversion to plastic waste is also abnormal (I think that's her favourite word).
Thankfully she won't be here on Christmas day!

MrsMozartMkII · 22/12/2019 08:51

LizzieSiddal has the words.

I really hope your mum can get her head out of her arse in time for you to have a good time together.

diddl · 22/12/2019 08:54

Yup, she is a bad mum.

Is flying home an option?

gavisconismyfriend · 22/12/2019 09:02

Poor you. I really feel for you, your mum should be building you up not tearing you down. Agree with the poster who suggested a "friend" has been in touch to invite you to go and stay for a few days with them in their hotel. Head off until Christmas eve/Christmas morning.

Thatssomecatch · 22/12/2019 09:02

Ooh, as pp said, I’d be very tempted to go full goth on the makeup front!
However, you’ve flown all that way so I’d try to communicate honestly with your mum about the whole concerns about others judgment. If she’s open to talking about it, cool, you can have a better Christmas.
If she’s not open to it and denies or deflects then go get a hotel room. But say why. ‘Mum, when you do this it makes me feel like this...’ sort of thing. Then you’ll know you did your best and can enjoy a Christmas chill in a nice hotel without feeling guilty.

Aliensrus · 22/12/2019 09:03

I feel your pain OP, my mother was also like this. She used to spend 3 hours every day getting ready so her hair, clothes and make-up were immaculate - so she was less than impressed when I grew up with my fat body, lack of make-up, rosacea, glasses and hair which apparently has no style and is not styled (her words!).
As a teenager I was also pushed into make-up, dieting, highlights and she chose all my clothes.

The way I dealt with it is to build in some space in the relationship - tough to do (the mother/daughter dynamic can be complex) but extremely liberating once done. So you should absolutely check yourself into a hotel, then make sure you have a really good time there - room service, spa, lovely walks, watching whatever you want on the TV. This might help you build you resilience for those times each day when you see her. Yes she will grumble but if you don’t want to abandon a relationship with her entirely, you need to build in a safety mechanism for yourself to give you some space.
Hope you check into that hotel! Let us know how you get on.

@hazelnutlatte you should like a saint! There would be murder if that happened in my own home 😂😂😂

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 22/12/2019 09:07

Do you want someone to send you an 'out' text?

Could you pretend your phone went Brrrrr in your pocket, pull it out, look at the screen and then have to return home because......

Get home, relax, breathe, have a great Christmas and be grateful you are not as shallow as a side plate like your mother.

Teaandcrisps · 22/12/2019 09:08

I think if you do go to the hotel it's an opportunity to say why. I think standing up to your mum will do wonders for your self esteem long term. Staying in the house, well you are replaying being that 15yr old.

Thelnebriati · 22/12/2019 09:10

I think I'd start with ''Mum, its sad that you care more about what strangers think than about how I feel''.

whiteroseredrose · 22/12/2019 09:10

It's a tough call in a short time but it's worth trying to change your relationship with your mum.

My relationship wasn't dreadful but I felt constantly knocked for not being 'as good as' my DM. She couldn't understand why I wasn't as ambitious as her, not as cultured as her, as spotless as her as she'd 'tried so hard'.

I initially joked that she started most of her conversations with me with 'if I was you' or 'think you should...'. It was agreed that she couldn't help herself but it was still knocking me.

I started responding in kind. 'I can't understand your lack of ambition' ..... 'What a shame you're never content mum. Will you ever be happy?'. etc. She felt what it was like to be on the receiving end. Then eventually I started walking out when she was being negative. Took a while but she's changed. More positive, she keeps her criticisms to herself and we get on really well.

With your mum I'd laugh and say that thank God I'm happy in my own skin and don't need to wear a mask all the time. You prissy yourself up if you want I'm happier being natural...don't you want me to be happy? Don't keep fretting about what people think. Really they're not that interested in you, they're more interested in themselves.... etc. If it doesn't work I'd then ask her to stop being so negative all the time or you'll need to go to a hotel for your own sanity.

They way things are will never be good for you so you might as well try to change things.

montmatre · 22/12/2019 09:14

Book the nicest hotel you can afford, raid your closest M & S (or equivalent) and get stuck into a boxset! Sounds like heaven.

No point wasting a single moment on someone who will never change. I'm also back home with a narcissistic mother (and a father who enables her) but luckily I have other family members to diffuse her.

Merry Xmas, OP.

Batqueen · 22/12/2019 09:14

I’d be tempted to say something like

‘Mum it says something that you care more about what other people think than how you are making your daughter, who has just flown halfway across the globe to see you, feel. If what other people think is still the most important thing right now then I feel sorry for you.’

Getoffmylilo · 22/12/2019 09:19

Off to the hotel with you. This is literally my mother. Set your own rules, she's not going to change. If she wants to see you you're right there (at the lovely hotel nearby), if she's goes into a sulk about it her loss. Mine would rather not see me at all than have everything exactly her way to impress the imaginary people who follow every move. My niece calls her Instagran.

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