AIBU - to feel like we are being punished for something ?

[Makinganewthinghappen]

Trying to be a little vague so I don’t give myself away here !

18 months ago we were a happy family - parents and six kids - 2 we undergoing autism assesment and we have never been rich(!) but we had a 5 bedroom house we rented, ran our own business and we were comfortable and generally happy.

Then our landlord gave us 8 weeks to move so she could sell the house, at the same time our business collapsed due to a problem with a business partner - again not giving too much detail but he is mentally ill and unstable- this becomes relevant later. We ended up having to move to a tiny 3 bed terrace, damp and obviously cramped (5 girls in one room)one teenage boy in box room.

BUT we knew we could build our business back up again and it was temporary and we could move to a bigger house again. So worked all the hours, stick it out built up business on our own over the last year and tbh money/ business is ok now.

BUT a month or so ago we were let’s say “victims of a crime” at the hands of the ex partner which meant police involvement, children being terrified. (bearing in mind 2 are autistic and not able to cope with feeling unsafe in their home) we are now unable to stay at the house and had to pack bags and leave with no where to go.

We are now split up in two different family members homes, and especially in this one it’s clear we are not very welcome, we have to stay out all day, and keep the kids quiet and upstairs at night. but it’s that or roam the streets at this point.

DH and I have been struggling to find somewhere to live - we have money to pay for a house but finding a house of any kind especially at this time of year has been challenging. We finally found a house that would accept us 2 weeks ago.

The agency have been awful, dragging their feet, every little thing has been a struggle to get through. The latest thing was we were struggle to prove we had the right to rent (that we are not illegal immigrants!) despite both of us being British, providing birth certificates and marriage certificates etc!

Anyway we were supposed to move last week, then Saturday. Both times cancelled last minute because of issues with the referencing place. Now they say Monday.

We don’t drive so we’re relying on a removal place which we can’t get until after Xmas, we can get family member to move our beds and a few bits but that’s it until after Christmas.

Oh and in all this I forgot to add DH was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition last year which means he is in a lot of pain especially sleeping on temporary beds etc so moving furniture will be difficult .

So even if we do get keys Monday. We will be having christmas with no furniture, eating on the floor etc. Or if we don’t get keys separated into two houses and having to sit quietly upstairs .

At this point I really feel like we are cursed, we have done nothing but work hard to try and improve things, but every time we do something seems to take it away.

I really feel like saying you know what I give up. None of this is going to work our anyway.

AIBU to be seriously starting to believe in curses?

@Crazyladee - I am so sorry about your son. You must be numb with grief.
You can either call it cursed or a run of extremely bad luck, I suppose, OP. Or just "part of life's rich tapestry" as the expression goes. I do hope things improve for you and your family in 2020 and that you get to have a Merry unfurnished Christmas all together in your new home!
As others have said, whether we're in rented or mortgaged accommodation, most of us, except that important 1% of Tory billionaires, are only a few steps away from homelessness if something goes unexpectedly wrong and there's a domino effect.

"UghtabbytheyDidhave a stable base. Their landlord sold it"
Renting isn't stable. If you rent, and you have 6 kids, you need a back up plan. Or dont have 6 kids. We are all different, I personally wouldnt be that risky, I didnt have kids until I had a stable base and a back up plan. We still had a family catastrophe, which was huge, but because of the planning, we still have a roof over our heads. The OP doesnt.

I vote for a Travelodge or having a big adventure in the unfurnished house! At least you will be altogether and can relax and be yourselves, much better than hiding upstairs quietly.

Life is about to get better for you OP, just need to get round this corner You will come out stronger after this xxx

I was angry and gutted to find out I will have no heating or water over Christmas (boiler broke down on 2wks ago and won't be renewed until 28th) but I have finally calmed down and now just thankful the toilet and electric still works! and that I'm not outside homeless. Not that I am suggesting this in anyway compares to your shit year.

Look forward to the good times that are so close

tabby dont be so judgemental. Plan b when youre renting is finding another house which op did. Landlords faffing about isnt her fault.

It must be nice sitting up their on your high horse.

Oh OP...I so feel for you. Sometimes life is so hard.
In 1996-97 my family was faced with every stress imaginable..serious illness, a death of a grandparent, eviction, buying a house, redundancy, serious money worries, and finally a complicated, terrible pregnancy and birth. This all caused such stress in our marriage we nearly split.
But we all got through it and now 22 years later it is all just a memory..one that still makes me sad but in the past.
And do you know what, it did make us stronger and we often say 'remember xmas of 96 when we had nothing' and facing a very uncertain future.
Like you I felt 'why us?' and I couldn't see ahead to know it would all be ok. And it was.
You sound like you have the work ethic to pick yourselves up, dust yourselves down and make a new life for your family.
I think you will be telling strangers on the internet your story one day in the future..Just a bad memory of a terrible time. Good Luck for 2020

"tabbydont be so judgemental. Plan b when youre renting is finding another house which op did. Landlords faffing about isnt her fault.It must be nice sitting up their on your high horse."
I'm still curious why 6 kids when life is so precarious in the first place? And not driving? Trust me, not sitting on a high horse, still in shock from our family catastrophe, this is why planning, planning, planning is so important, and it annoys me when other people seem to live by the seat of their pants, and then seem to want sympathy. Renting is not easy, and landlords do faff about, that's the nature of the game, she must have been aware all of this was a possibility when renting with 6 kids.

Their life wasnt "precarious" they had a suitable house and a succesful business.

Idk what driving has to do with it. If you live somewhere with good public transport you dont need to drive.

Considering your planning didnt mean you avoided catastrophe i fail to see why you think your approach is superior.

Bad things can happen to anyone no matter how much planning you do.

I really feel for you, OP, and chastened that I've been moaning and feeling like I live in The House of Doom because of the number of things that have packed up in the last few weeks or need replacing/repairing in the very near future. Oh, and the incursion by rats.

I hope it all gets sorted soon, and that the move is a fresh start for you all.

Re the council that refuses to house families in houses that don't have the necessary number of bedrooms for the family, I've worked with people in housing need in 4 different council areas and not one of them would house a family in a place that was too small.

I don't know if it's a statutory thing, or whether it's because they feel it's just bad practice to move families into places where they will be overcrowded from the get-go, I have no idea.

One of my last cases before I switched jobs was a homeless family with 7 children. They had to place them in a B&B over 100 miles away, as it was the only place that could accommodate so many. Then they told them they could be there several years as the only way they could accommodate them would be to wait until they had 2 adjoining 3-bed houses that could be knocked into one. And that they couldn't keep one empty waiting for the house next door to become vacant while they had over 1,000 families on the waiting list.

I was trying to get social services involved, but because the family were moved out of county, I could no longer support them. (The last I heard, they'd borrowed money from a family member, bought a caravan and gone back on the road).

Given that no one has a Tardis to go back in time and it’s Christmas shortly it might be good to focus on constructive advice to help the OP move forward from current situation and make the best of things.

You are not cursed! You have had a bad year but will be starting afresh in 2020. You have a business, somewhere to live and a family.
Focus on what you have.

To answer some questions - we have had a stable base for 20 years - this seemed stable enough to start a family in.

We don’t drive because neither of us qualify for a driving licence for medical reasons (in my case sight) and no this doesn’t mean we are too “disabled” to care for 6 children or look after ourselves - it just didn’t seem relevant to my first post but I see that it is!

We have provided well for our children, never claimed benefit, never asked for any help.

In terms of bedrooms - no my husband could not sleep downstairs on a couch or temporary bed - it would cause him serious pain and I don’t think any of my children would accept that!

Obviously when we went into business 10 years ago the partner was totally sane and yes a friend.

I used to believe in curses and we have had a bad year this year too. But things are looking up now, same for you, things can only get better. Dont give up and best of luck for the new year.

"Considering your planning didnt mean you avoided catastrophe i fail to see why you think your approach is superior."
Our catastrophe was a brain injury...we couldnt have avoided that if we tried...but planning stopped us losing the roof over our head...so I will be pleased about that,whether you like it or not. It's not about being superior, believe me. Renting is a risk. That's a fact. Lots of people I know who rent, have had to move several times. Driving for us is an absolute must. Public transport isn't brilliant if you have a sick kid that needs to go to the doctors or hospital, and she has 6, so that must happen often. Or get anywhere at short notice. I have a family member who doesnt drive and we have to drop stuff to get her places in emergencies.
Bad things can happen to anyone, absolutely, we know that better than most, but planning and getting our house in order saved us. So I do know what I'm talking about @bollykecks.

I'm a long time sober alcoholic. One of the many useful things I learned through AA is that gratitude changes everything. Self pity is a killer (literally for alcoholics) but uou can't feel gratitude and self pity simultaneously.

My bereavement counsellor was so impressed by my strategy that she made it part of her practice with other people.

I know all about bad years. I've been through terrible things during my sober years, including the tragic death of DH while our DC were in primary school. Forget about curses, FFS. Shit happens.

Did you honestly believe that you could immunise yourself and your family from disaster? Surely it's not a question of "why me?" Isn't it more like "why not me?"

How I coped with very bad times was by acknowledging everything I could be grateful for. And you have so much to be grateful for. Make a list. It will raise your spirits and refocus your thoughts

OMG, @Makinganewthinghappen and
I don't think anyone is cursed, although I get it can feel like it at times. I do think sometimes a whole series of awful things happens. I also know this will end. My heart goes out to you. I also admire your positive attitude.
I have no idea why anyone would post mean comments, other than severe lack of empathy.
@Crazyladee I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I can only imagine your suffering.
Here's to 2020.

We all have shit things happen op, it is how you deal with it. how strong you can be. Keep your resolve up. Make the most of the deal life has dealt you

count your blessings op.

Bad year OP but by no means cursed or having a terrible time. Hope 2020 sees an improvement

Ok tabby i bow down to your absolute superiority.

The one thing you lack is empathy which actually is just as important as everything else you mention.

Ps still dont think driving is an issue when taxis exist.

This has been the worst year of my life. Ex walked out on us all. We couldn't afford the rent/bills. He'd ran up a load of debt and not told me and buggered off. I had no food, no house, nothing and HAD to go begging to my parents - I'm telling you that level of low is soul destroying - AND it's ME people looked down on (and still do!)

After months of loud sobbing (I have NEVER cried like that) and suicidal thoughts on and off, I found a house and a new school and got myself on universal credit. Life on benefits is no picnic. It's isolating, it's breadline. It's not eating so my kids can eat.

My phone was stolen. I can't afford a car. The day after my phone was stolen my 2yr old split his head open. I had no phone to call 999/911 I had no car to drive him to hospital.

Boiler stopped working as soon as the weather got cold. Toilet blocked and sewege went everywhere right after my toddler had had surgery and was healing.

I have NO friends. Everyone looks down on me and thinks I'm a single mum benefits scrounger. I have the whole anxiety/panic attack shebang but I'm a lot better with that after having CBT. It does flare up unannounced though.

Eldest is in CAHMS and has said he's had thoughts of self harm. He is in year 3.

I've felt cursed too.

Next year I'm going back to studying and hoping to meet some friends and get my life back on track.

It's not YOU suffering and the rest of us getting an easy ride believe me. You have a business and a supportive DP yes? That's a LOT more than a lot of us have.

You just dont get it do you bollykecks. How dare you talk about us having superiority when you will probably never ever go what we went though. Can you imagine for one minute what it must be like having a loved one not able to talk to you, recognise you, or know what's going on? That really is having the ground taken out from under you feet. Honestly, how nasty are you? You certainly lack empathy.

tabby its not me being nasty and telling op how shit she is. Thats you, dear.

I hope i dont have to go through what you went through and im sorry that you did, but using your experience to kick others when theyre down because you coped so well and theyre so silly for having 6 kids and not driving is disgraceful.

How would you have felt about someone spouting about how stupid you are and how they are so much better than you, when you were at your lowest? Hmm?

You have no empathy towards op at all whereas i absolutely do.

"Ps still dont think driving is an issue when taxis exist."
Good luck getting a taxi in the middle of the night with a sick kid. They either wont come, or when they get there, they wont take you. I've had this experience. We live semi suburban, buses and trains arent that great so perhaps Im jaded by that.

Maybe you are tabby as personally ive never had an issue, though i do drive now just incase you were worried about the welfare of my child.

Well bollykecks you've been pretty nasty to me so........you've clearly misread what I've posted. You've been on one with me. I've tried to explain further and you've not let me alone.

"How would you have felt about someone spouting about how stupid you are and how they are so much better than you, when you were at your lowest? Hmm?"
Most people have told me we've done pretty well actually, and that's not being on my high horse, or superior as you like to put it, but being proud of myself . You however, have done that. You've presumed I was on a high horse, when I wasnt. You've kept on and on and are still doing so. I've had to explain the background and why I think driving is a must. You've presumed everyone on here is coming from a bad place.