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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - to feel like we are being punished for something ?

145 replies

Makinganewthinghappen · 22/12/2019 04:17

Trying to be a little vague so I don’t give myself away here !

18 months ago we were a happy family - parents and six kids - 2 we undergoing autism assesment and we have never been rich(!) but we had a 5 bedroom house we rented, ran our own business and we were comfortable and generally happy.

Then our landlord gave us 8 weeks to move so she could sell the house, at the same time our business collapsed due to a problem with a business partner - again not giving too much detail but he is mentally ill and unstable- this becomes relevant later. We ended up having to move to a tiny 3 bed terrace, damp and obviously cramped (5 girls in one room)one teenage boy in box room.

BUT we knew we could build our business back up again and it was temporary and we could move to a bigger house again. So worked all the hours, stick it out built up business on our own over the last year and tbh money/ business is ok now.

BUT a month or so ago we were let’s say “victims of a crime” at the hands of the ex partner which meant police involvement, children being terrified. (bearing in mind 2 are autistic and not able to cope with feeling unsafe in their home) we are now unable to stay at the house and had to pack bags and leave with no where to go.

We are now split up in two different family members homes, and especially in this one it’s clear we are not very welcome, we have to stay out all day, and keep the kids quiet and upstairs at night. but it’s that or roam the streets at this point.

DH and I have been struggling to find somewhere to live - we have money to pay for a house but finding a house of any kind especially at this time of year has been challenging. We finally found a house that would accept us 2 weeks ago.

The agency have been awful, dragging their feet, every little thing has been a struggle to get through. The latest thing was we were struggle to prove we had the right to rent (that we are not illegal immigrants!) despite both of us being British, providing birth certificates and marriage certificates etc!

Anyway we were supposed to move last week, then Saturday. Both times cancelled last minute because of issues with the referencing place. Now they say Monday.

We don’t drive so we’re relying on a removal place which we can’t get until after Xmas, we can get family member to move our beds and a few bits but that’s it until after Christmas.

Oh and in all this I forgot to add DH was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition last year which means he is in a lot of pain especially sleeping on temporary beds etc so moving furniture will be difficult .

So even if we do get keys Monday. We will be having christmas with no furniture, eating on the floor etc. Or if we don’t get keys separated into two houses and having to sit quietly upstairs .

At this point I really feel like we are cursed, we have done nothing but work hard to try and improve things, but every time we do something seems to take it away.

I really feel like saying you know what I give up. None of this is going to work our anyway.

AIBU to be seriously starting to believe in curses?

OP posts:
DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 22/12/2019 08:38

They said we could only bid on houses with 5 bedrooms (even though we are fitting in 3 now!) . But then told us they don’t have any 5 bedroom houses and we can’t apply for any smaller ones

WHAT?

That is STUPID!

Sometimes the people who write these rules need their heads looking at.

I know it's not much consolation, but this will pass. Sometimes people get runs of bad luck that, as you say, make the think that someone has stuck a pin in doll somewhere to make their lives a misery.

I myself lost five close relatives, an two of our beautiful dogs, in the space of 8 months. One of the relatives was my Dad, who died on Christmas Day.

It was a horrible time, and I was plunged into dreadful depression- but it is behind me now, and one day you and your lovely family will look a back and be able to say the same.

I hope you manage to get into the property - and if you have no furniture, make a feature of it and have a "picnic" Christmas. It's bloody awful when you are going through it, and feel that you can't see the end.

Praying that 2020 will be a new and wonderful beginning for you and your family. This will bring you all even closer together.

Flowers
NewName73 · 22/12/2019 08:42

Can I recommend you read The Salt Path - inspiring true story.

Things may look bad now OP but they will get better.

simplekindoflife · 22/12/2019 08:44

Sorry to hear that OP Thanks I've had a crap year too. I think 2019 has been unkind to many actually. Roll on 2020!

You sound like a lovely mum and wife with a lovely family. Stay strong, you can do this!

I'm gobsmacked the council aren't helping you! Truly shocking. Please get a second opinion, appeal, anything, as this doesn't sound right.

Really hope you get the keys tomorrow. Make it an adventure for the kids. Build a Christmas camp with fairy lights! Have a picnic Xmas dinner, just do what you can do.

In terms of feeling cursed, here's some Christmas good luck vibes from me, hope it helps! Xmas Smile

AlexanderHalexander · 22/12/2019 08:44

This reply has been deleted

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DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 22/12/2019 08:45

Sometimes it’s because of a consequence of making poor life choices which seems to be the case here with bringing 6 (!) children into the world without a stable home and the choice of ex business partner.

Kittygirl is right.

What were you thinking of, taking chances - having children with the husband you love, trying to build a business with hard work and effort, trusting a partner you thought was also a friend - when you hadn't even bothered to look into the future to see what was going to happen. How thoughtless!

< wishes there was a sarcastic font>

Kitty - if we all waited until EVERYTHING was perfect in our lives before we did anything - none of us would ever get out of bed on a morning. I envy you your certainly and hope that your life doesn't turn round to bite you on the arse one day.

As a PP pointed out, we are all a lot closer to homelessness than we realise. (And it has been said "Civilisation is twenty-four hours and two meals away from barbarism." - bear that in mind when you are feeling so smug)

PollyPelargonium52 · 22/12/2019 08:47

I think life sometimes dishes out a lot of stress all at once.

Hopefully things will look better soon ....

HollysBush · 22/12/2019 09:02

I’m with Dingdong. I don’t believe in curses but equally I do believe we are all subject to forces out of our control.
Unmumsnetty hugs for you and your family, op. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, be gentle with yourselves, things will get better xx

WorriedAboutMom · 22/12/2019 09:09

I am one of 6 siblings. 5 sisters and 1 brother. We were ok financially but any major life changes would put a huge strain financially. 90% of the arguments between DM and DF would be about money. DF started to become a bit money-obsessed when work dried up and took ownership of our debit cards as our earnings were "meant for the family".
Although I had worked since age 17 (part time at college/uni then full time after) I had £11 in my account when my debit card was given back to me upon my return from my honeymoon when I got married at age 25. It set me back years.

Notwiththeseknees · 22/12/2019 09:13

I vote for a picnic Christmas! The best present you could have at this moment is a new home where you can all be together again. Fingers crossed it all goes well tomorrow, you suss out the heating & cooking and Tuesday take yourself off to Aldi/Lidl first thing where there are some fantastic bargains and have a brilliant Christmas with your family around you.
In a few years you will be saying "do you remember that Christmas when we had just moved in and we all had to sit on the floor and eat crisps?" and laughing about it. Good luck x

rainbowstardrops · 22/12/2019 09:20

I really hope that 2020 is kind to you Thanks

Rosieisdoings · 22/12/2019 09:20

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zafferana · 22/12/2019 09:22

No, you aren't cursed - but you have had a run of rotten luck and it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'give up' though. You can't stay where you are, so no, you cannot give up. Take a deep breath, ask the older DC to help to jolly along the younger ones and make the best of what is a pretty shit situation. Yes, have a picnic Christmas. FGS get out of the house where you're unwanted and into your own place ASAP. I suspect that that alone will help you to pick yourselves up a bit. People always feel such a pressure to make Christmas perfect, but just accept that this one is going to be a bit crap. Can you eat out for Christmas lunch? Can you take the kids to the cinema or something on Boxing Day to get everyone out of the house doing something together? You just need to dig deep and hopefully 2020 will be better.

JeansNTees · 22/12/2019 09:26

No to curses but yes there has been a definite shift in what services we expect, and what is provided now. People are noticing the safety net disappearing when they get to crisis point. I feel for you OP, enjoy your new home when you get the keys.

iklboodolphrednosedreindeer · 22/12/2019 09:27

No issue with renting. It’s the size of the family!

What do you think she should do - shove some back in?

DowntownAbby · 22/12/2019 09:28

@Rosieisdoings

Yup.

TabbyMumz · 22/12/2019 09:31

Why dont you drive? Why 6 kids and no permanent base? Sounds like you need better planning. Sorry dont mean this to sound mean, but you've got yourself into this pickle, it's got nothing to do with being cursed. Was it a risk going into partnership with someone who is mentally stable? When you rent there is always the uncertainty that you might get kicked out at short notice. You need to get your house in order and plan better for the next thing that will happen.

AlexanderHalexander · 22/12/2019 09:32

Flipping heck, people are getting comments deleted for basically: YABU

Bit trigger happy there, @MNHQ?

museumum · 22/12/2019 09:34

It sounds like this is al one big thing (assuming the “crime” was to do with the ex business partner).

GetUpAgain · 22/12/2019 09:34

@Crazyladee I am so sorry about your son. Heartbreaking.

OP, hang on in there - you are clearly hard working and resourceful, things WILL turn round.

Flowers
lovemenorca · 22/12/2019 09:35

6 children and neither parent drives Confused

LynetteScavo · 22/12/2019 09:36

Of course you're not cursed.

Many people have shit years at some point in their lives.
I won't bleat on about the horrible year I had, but it wasn't dissimilar to yours. Life goes on and it won't always be this shit, but with six DC it's never going to be easy either.
You're about to get a house. That's a huge positive. New Year, new start.

lovemenorca · 22/12/2019 09:38

* Can I recommend you read The Salt Path - inspiring true story.*

Opposite here. I found the author relentlessly bitchy about almost everyone they encountered

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/12/2019 09:39

Ugh tabby they Did have a stable base. Their landlord sold it. Presumably the business partner was not always mentally unstable Hmm

Basically what youre saying is dont have kids if you rent and dont go into business with anyone who you havent put through a full psychiatric assessment. Hmm

How do you ever manage to actually do anything??

op i really feel for you and it can certainly feel like a curse when it all goes tits up at once. Youre already getting back on your feet with your business and i hope you have a much better new year.

Ignore all these idiots who dont live in the real world.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/12/2019 09:39

So what @lovemenorca?

thebabessavedme · 22/12/2019 09:40

good luck for 2020 Op, I think most families have ups and downs, some years are bloody awful, some years you just jog along and some years are fantastic. You have the courage to have your own business, something that I think a few people on this thread would never be able to do, keep your heads up, keep trying and make sure you keep loving one another and it will all come good! (in my experience of my dh running his own business for many years)

oh, and btw, I'm so glad I dont have a few of these lovely posters round my festive table this year, they better hope life dosen't bite them on the arse one day cos I have a feeling there won't be a load of 'friends' lining up to offer help.