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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

smoking drinking & xmas

114 replies

Cocktailsxandxdreams · 21/12/2019 14:01

give just had a baby, dont want any drinking or smoking around her (i also have other young childre),how to i tell family memebers this who are coming up xmas day?
Am i being too over the top?
Advice needed on how to sort this.

OP posts:
Delatron · 21/12/2019 16:18

Just tell them they can’t come round as you aren’t up to hosting this year with a newborn.

Cot death has nothing to do with other people drinking though. You don’t have an argument for people not drink around the baby (smoking yes) so you’ll need another angle. But quite acceptable to say ‘there’ll be no alcohol in the house this year’ then up to them. Don’t make out it has anything to do with the baby though.

ShadowOnTheSun · 21/12/2019 16:20

So you invited people, who are well known for liking a drink, to your house. And now, a few days before Christmas, you decide that your house will be teetotal for the day. OK...

Jeez, let them know this now at least, so they can arrange other plans! Yep, it's your house and your rules, but you cannot put a blanket ban on something and expect grownup people just dance to your tune. You free to do whatever you want yourself, but you cannot police others.

The world doesn't stop turning just because you had a baby. I'd much rather have a nice evening by myself (turkey or no turkey, who cares), then go somewhere and swoon over some baby all day, not really my idea of celebration. It's a well known fact that babies are boring to pretty much everyone, except for their parents.

churchandstate · 21/12/2019 16:20

It’s your house but it is rude to tell people on 21st December that their invitation for Christmas dinner comes with rules.

Lllot5 · 21/12/2019 16:27

I understand op.
Smokers have to go outside, I think that’s pretty much standard now for a lot of people.
As to the drinking, I understand nothing as bloody boring as a drunk, I’m not teetotal but I don’t get drunk.
I wonder if you could have a word with your parent when they’re sober and explain that they and their partner are welcome to have drink with dinner but anyone drunk will be asked to leave.
Perhaps the reason they can’t afford Christmas dinner is that they spend it on booze.

C305 · 21/12/2019 16:44

I totally understand OP and had similar childhood experiences with an alcoholic parent and so am also very sensitive around alcohol and having also just had a baby, are even more so.

I think unless you have had certain experiences and have the emotional reactions to people drinking or alcohol being in your house, it will be hard for people to understand so you will inevitably get people saying you're boring/a kill joy etc.

Not really helpful I know, but I think you just have to do what feels right for you, especially with your baby. Good luckThanks

CarolinaPink · 21/12/2019 16:48

Tell them that any smoking/drinking needs to be done outside. I say this from my aunt's garage, where I'm having a ciggy and a glass of wine.

PurpleDaisies · 21/12/2019 16:49

No smoking, fine.

No drinking is unnecessary. No getting blind drunk is fair enough.

IsAnybodyListening · 21/12/2019 16:54

In this house the champers is open around 12:00. Its the only day a year we happily day drink-I don't even day drink abroad when on holiday, however Christmas day its all about the food and bubbly, and the family have a great time. Any guests get treated the same. No-one is falling around drunk.

At least get some bloody mulled wine in OP! Telling your family they aren't welcome to drink on Christmas day is utterly bonkers, and extremely precious of you. Whats Christmas without even a cheeky baileys even? My dad is almost teetotal. Probably has 5 glasses of something per year (3 of those on Christmas day), normally serenades us with Elvis after though...so Christmas day drinking does have it's downsides ;)

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 21/12/2019 16:54

I think unless you have had certain experiences and have the emotional reactions to people drinking or alcohol being in your house, it will be hard for people to understand so you will inevitably get people saying you're boring/a kill joy etc.

^That's not completely true either.
My mother was a terrible alcoholic, she died last year. She ruined many a Christmas and birthday with her drinking (plus the violence, insults and general nastiness that accompanied it) but I still enjoy a drink myself and wouldn't ban people from having a drink in my house because of that.

gamerchick · 21/12/2019 16:55

Just tell them you're not up to hosting this year and you'll plate them some food up to drop off as it's such short notice. They're not going to take any notice of you and as unreasonable that people think you are, it's your right.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/12/2019 16:58

Your home, your rules. You absolutely can ban smoking. I sympathise about the booze as I hate that routine over indulgence at Xmas but I don’t think you can insist that nobody drinks without a bit of fallout.

I grew up with a heavy drinking dad and I found it quite difficult. I would just take myself off when I thought it was reaching a tipping point. Could you do that?

OddBoots · 21/12/2019 17:10

If they can afford to smoke heavily and to buy enough alcohol to be plastered by lunch time then they can afford their own Christmas dinner.

You are unreasonable to leave it this late to tell them but you are not unreasonable to not to want to host them. However it turns out this year please have a think and decide in good time what you want and what they will agree to next year.

Sprinklemetinsel · 21/12/2019 17:42

Can no one read?

She didn't invite them.

At least one is an alcoholic who spoilt childhood Christmases.

OP is right to put boundaries on their behaviour around her newborn.

You can limit the alcohol you serve, if they bring their own put the excess away and give it to them when they leave.

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 21/12/2019 17:52

Sprinkle

A decent boundary would be to not allow them near her children.
Exactly what I had to with my mum when she was drunk.

That they're not invited helps her. Tell them not to come and don't let them in.
It's not nice to do, but needs must.

crosstalk · 21/12/2019 19:18

Why don't you just let them know now there'll be no smoking or drinking when they visit? You should have done it a couple of months ago but not too late. Move lunch forward to 1200 if you can and then they can get rat arsed later. Or just serve brunch if they really need to come around and do your Christmas lunch later.

mclover · 21/12/2019 19:28

I totally understand this. I tell them I've got drinks in - I get a bottle of red, one white, one fizzy and that's it. Not enough for everyone to get drunk but enough to have a few drinks each. Everywhere is shut so no chance of buying any more

Technonan · 21/12/2019 19:43

Change your user name to The Grinch.

EvaHarknessRose · 21/12/2019 20:00

Send them home by 2pm. It's your invitation so you set the parameters, but do let them know so they can opt out.

roiseandjim · 21/12/2019 20:31

You're being precious/ I'd cancel coming to yours if I couldn't have a drink on Xmas day!!!

kingkuta · 22/12/2019 11:32

I tell them I've got drinks in - I get a bottle of red, one white, one fizzy and that's it. Not enough for everyone to get drunk but enough to have a few drinks each. Everywhere is shut so no chance of buying any more

Please tell me this is a joke Grin god some people are fucking weird

JaJoJe · 22/12/2019 11:58

Just tell them... there's no smoking allowed around my children at all and with my oldest there was strict no drinking, I'm mildly more lapsed now but people can still only have ONE drink (no drunkenness around a baby).

If they dont act appropriately round my children then they wont get to be around them again.

spingly · 23/12/2019 07:26

Honestly just uninvite them.

crosstalk · 23/12/2019 13:23

What have you decided OP?

thefluffysideofgrey · 23/12/2019 16:03

I wouldn't want an alcoholic ruining my kids Christmas either.

YADNBU and some people here can't read.

She's not talking about one small glass of wine. It's someone getting shit faced in front of the kids.

Not acceptable.

I would ban booze if I were in the same situation.

KatherineJaneway · 23/12/2019 16:20

Am i being too over the top?
Yes. Itvis perfectly understandable to ban smoking in your home given your newborn but stopping people drinking is way OTT.

we dont need drink to have a fab xmas.

Maybe they do.