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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

smoking drinking & xmas

114 replies

Cocktailsxandxdreams · 21/12/2019 14:01

give just had a baby, dont want any drinking or smoking around her (i also have other young childre),how to i tell family memebers this who are coming up xmas day?
Am i being too over the top?
Advice needed on how to sort this.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/12/2019 15:12

I asked before but you ignored you said you had older children so why is this only a problem now?

We have 4 children under 11 at our Christmas meal, two t total adults and 4 of us who like a drink (one smokes) but we are all capable of getting along and having a day we will hopefully all enjoy.

People do like to find issues that don’t need to be issues especially at this time of year. Relax and enjoy

NameChangedNoImagination · 21/12/2019 15:13

Oh please. The world doesn't revolve around your baby. What'll be next? No laughing in case it wakes the baby? No jokes becsuse the baby doesn't understand yet and would feel left out? By all means no smoking inside but come on!!!

Skidzer · 21/12/2019 15:13

The second coming of Christ is it?

Sprinklemetinsel · 21/12/2019 15:16

I think people are assuming polite levels of drinking and smoking.

Op is talking about chain-smoking and getting drunk. I'd find guests irritating if I was hosting and looking after a baby, and my guests were outside half the time and drunk the rest. Drinking on an empty stomach doesn't make for good company!

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2019 15:18

SIDS risks and drinking is when you are near or sleeping with the baby just ask them not to hold the baby if you are worried and surely you can converse your feelings to your kids other parent?

firesong · 21/12/2019 15:23

Sounds like maybe your parent has a partner who is an alcoholic? Perhaps you could ask them to drink a little less for those couple of hours that they're visiting. And ask that there are no smoking breaks during the meal? I smoke a bit, but visit my family of non smokers at Christmas. I usually pop out after the dinner to smoke, door closed properly. I also wash my hands and spray body spray in the hope of not stinking the place out when I go in!

Original poster
Cocktailsxandxdreams · 21/12/2019 15:28

I said i diddnt invite them they just took it they they were coming and like i said they cant afford xmas themself.
Also may i add im a non drinker due to this parent being a drinker and having a rubbish childhood to this.
We dont need drink to have fun & to me is sad that people feel they need to say that xmas is boring in my house is just wrong my kids love the xmas we do its all about them, its been that way for 22years we make it very special as most parents try and do,i am just being a crazy over protective mum of a newborn which isnt a bad thing in my eyes but yeah i could tone it down i just was looking at cot death and got worried like i have said.
To those that understand thank u,to those that are helping by saying it in a nice way and making me see things from a different view and making me see sense , to those being not so nice i dont expect everyone to get it and DID expect nasty comments it doesnt bother me what u say as everyone should say their feelings and we all think different things.
They eat tiny bits and take the rest home.

OP posts:
SantaBeckett · 21/12/2019 15:29

I agree with the not smoking in your home .
The not drinking I am torn , it is your house so your rules but it may put people off .
That said I went to a birthday party a few years ago and the host said they didnt want anyone drinking in the house due to the bad behaviour last time they had alcohol at a house party.
So some of the guest called at the pub to have one or two before coming to the party and ended up getting tanked up and cause a lot of ill feelings .

How about you get some good low alcohol beer /cider/wine in so people can still have a drink but wont get plastered

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/12/2019 15:31

How has it been this way for 22 years? How many children do you have and how old are they (excluding your 'newborn')?

You really don't need to have people to your home if they will behave in ways you don't like. Just explain that you're worrying about smoking and drinking and you'd rather that they don't do either. They are family, aren't they? They'll understand even if they don't agree with you, surely?

It won't be pleasant for any of you - not you, your children or your guests if you are stressed and unhappy. Ask them not to come.

Original poster
Cocktailsxandxdreams · 21/12/2019 15:33

Cocktails and dreams is from my fave movie cocktail even tho i dont drink still love the movie not due to the drinking but the friendships in the movie. So hope that clear that up
Also my world does revolve around my baby and children when u become a parent thats they way it goes for alot of mums and dads.

OP posts:
SusieQ5604 · 21/12/2019 15:35

Can't afford their own Christmas dinner????

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 21/12/2019 15:41

Op, don't try to preach to the posters on MUMSnet that 'your world revolves around your children like most parents..' Hmm

Banning alcohol from your home doesn't make you a good parent.
Having a drink around the kids doesn't make you a bad parent.

You do what you want in your own house.
You came on here to ask opinions, you've received opinions.
It's only down to you if you don't like them.

[This site is getting worse with each passing day..]

Mrshue · 21/12/2019 15:42

I don’t drink ever. Nor does my husband. I’m also lucky that my family don’t drink. Or smoke. My father does like a bottle of wine however occasionally. If he got roaring drunk and handled my newborn. I don’t think it would be appropriate. However. I probably would t tell him not too. He just couldn’t be near it I guess.

I do understand however the not drinking. I’m in the minority that don’t drink. People look at me and my husband very strange. I have nothing against alcohol at all. I just hate the taste. Simple as.

I would ask if they wouldn’t. But he prepared for them to not come.

insanecandycorn · 21/12/2019 15:42

I suppose it depends on your family, there's massive difference between having a drink and getting very very drunk.

I'd say YABU if your family smoke outside and drink within reason. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting a bit merry.

YANBU if smoking is inside or if your family get loud and obnoxiously drunk. I wouldn't want that in my house even without a baby.

Wineislifex · 21/12/2019 15:44

The smoking I can understand but the drinking is OTT.
If they can’t afford Christmas dinner I assume you’d be providing the drinks anyway so why not just buy one bottle of wine so they can have a glass without getting mortal? Or if they fetch their own ask them to limit it.
You also said they are only coming for a small part of the day so surely they can’t get that drunk in such a short space of time anyway?
But either way you need to prewarn them because if I turned up to an alcohol free family gathering I would not be amused with the fun sponge host 🤣

Sirzy · 21/12/2019 15:49

The more you post the more this seems to be about you trying to paint yourself as some sort of superior parent!

redcarbluecar · 21/12/2019 15:52

I feel like this AIBU is more about not really wanting to host slightly difficult and anti-social guests whose idea of Xmas day isn’t compatible with yours.

CharlottesPleb · 21/12/2019 15:54

If you want to make everyone be teetotal for Christmas that's fine it's your home BUT it's just like a vegan Christmas dinner, ie people should know this ahead of time so they can get used to the idea, or make alternative arrangements if it isn't their thing.

I would phone them up now, say it's just occurred that you hadn't mentioned it's an alcohol free household, sorry baby brain and that you won't be offended in the least if they cry off.

I would be worried that guests in my home would feel they had to come to be polite and have Christmas day ruined under my roof without feeling they should say so. For this reason I would be tempted to cancel and have them around another day, or just put up with them having a drink and enjoy the day.

Gardai · 21/12/2019 15:58

Kids for 22yrs and a newborn 😲 ?
What ages are your kids OP

WorldEndingFire · 21/12/2019 16:02

I think you didn't give complete information in your original post and people are reacting to that.

This isn't about a drink, this is about an alcoholic drinking as alcoholics do, and no one wants that around their children. You're not unreasonable for setting boundaries in your own home if this person is incapable of moderation and has made your life miserable because of their drinking. You are to obliged to have them there.

Worth looking at current NHS guidelines on smoking and children: www.nhsinform.scot/campaigns/take-it-right-outside

WorldEndingFire · 21/12/2019 16:04

**you are NOT obliged to have them there

TheDarkPassenger · 21/12/2019 16:07

I fucking hate when my parents drink around my children, as a child growing up somewhere with a huge drink culture and parents who got pissed all the time, I remember falling asleep on a bench in a nightclub and being dragged home at 5am sobbing my heart out. Parties that I’d be dragged to were a regular occurrence. it’s made me super vigilant and tbh I fully agree with you that’s it’s your house and your rules. I enforced my rules about not being around the kids when drunk and they’ve chosen the kids, thank fuck, and don’t drink around them but I can’t promise your mum will chose this path.

I do drink myself but ive had my own alcohol issues that I still work on now and I really really don’t understand why people need to drink to have fun, but I guess I’ll never understand it.

ooooohbetty · 21/12/2019 16:07

You've asked if yabu. You're being told you are. You're disagreeing with this. Why bother asking?

andyjusthangingaround · 21/12/2019 16:12

YANBU
It’s your home and your responsibility
Aka your house, your rules
I assume you have communicated this request clearly to all family and friends in advance
Your baby / young kids will benefit from it! ( not to mention you and the household)

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2019 16:17

Don't buy it as suggested then nobody can drink or limit what you have in the house.

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