Right to be fed up or am I just jealous?

[possiblegreeneyedmonster]

My BIL is incredibly wealthy. Think private jet sort of wealthy. He is also incredibly insecure.

We all get on fine, but I'm sat here dreading Christmas because of the constant level of oneupmanship which is beginning to wear me down. I'm probably going to sound crazy and materialistic when I'm not but I'll attempt to explain.

In a nutshell, it seems that BIL can't bear for anyone else to have anything nice. If someone buys something nice/special/unusual he immediately has to get the same thing, but better. It sounds a bit petty when I say it out loud but over the years it has really begun to wear thin.

I should perhaps feel flattered that he likes the things we buy enough to be inspired to get the same but it feels as though it's almost done in a sort of dominant/power games sort of way and it's a game that I am simply not interested in competing in! We are reasonably well off in a normal sort of way and quite happy with our lot, we couldn't dream of having his insanely high level disposable income level so it's not a game we could ever win anyway!

A few examples: last year my husband bought me a beautiful handmade glass lampshade made by an artist I admire. It's unusual and was (for us) a huge amount of money to spend on something special that we would enjoy for a long time. It has pride of place in our living room and I love it. BIL was there on Christmas Day when I opened it and sure enough, the next time we visit weeks later he has a bigger better version of my lamp, but casually shoved in a non-prominent room of his house.

Sounds silly to be irritated by a lamp but this happens with anything and everything nice that we do/buy that he gets wind of.

Last year we went on a special holiday that we had saved for for several years. Unusual location abroad, quirky accommodation. He couldn't bear it- booked a much 'better' version of our holiday a week after hearing what we had booked. So our lovely special trip that we had saved so hard for was immediately brought down a peg or two and was positioned as a bit substandard. We had an awesome time anyway of course but it grated a bit.

This year I have bought my husband a new bike for Christmas. Was a joint birthday/Christmas gift as much more than we'd usually spend on a gift. DH is a keen cyclist and has wanted this bike for a long time, an expensive purchase for us that we talked about a lot together before making a decision that we would buy it. DH must have told BIL about it as lo and behold this morning he gets a text with a photo of the bike BIL bought himself yesterday. Yep, it's the same bike as DH is getting but the top of the range all singing and dancing version that's way out of our budget.

WHY CAN'T MY HUSBAND JUST ENJOY HIS NEW BIKE ON CHRISTMAS DAY WITHOUT IT HAVING TO IMMEDIATELY BE MADE 'LESSER' BY BIL???!!!!! BIL doesn't even like cycling?!!!!!!

There are too many examples to list but basically we aren't allowed to have/do anything nice of our own without it being bettered.

Argh it sounds so petty and 'first world problem' when I type it out but it's really bothering me! We try and keep things to ourselves if we don't want them one-upped which is ridiculous really as him buying better doesn't detract from our enjoyment of our own lives. We aren't particularly showy or ostentatious people so it's not as though we give a shit about impressing people with our stuff so I don't understand why this annoys me so much!!!!

Is it jealousy that makes me so annoyed or is his behaviour actually a bit twatish? I have no idea.

AIBU to be sick of this nonsense?

Would drive me insane OP, you have my sympathies. Has anybody ever commented on it to him?

That would wind me up too. And you’re right he does sound hugely insecure. I know it’s easier said than done but try to remember that at least you aren’t him, only ever looking to one up what other people have to validate his own fragile ego. No sense of individual style or uniqueness, as he only borrows it from others and transplants it as his own. It also shows he clearly holds you and your DH to importance as he’s desperate to impress you/steal your thunder.

What does he say when you ask him why he does it?

I’d start thinking of really ridiculous things to tell him we’re getting .. he’ll need that ultra fancy neon pink skin tight Lycra cycling suit with the matching long strange helmet n all of those things you don’t want because logically why would you.

It’s twatish but I wonder if he’s always been like that like as a child too.

Meh, I think uou are a bit jealous yes. I can see why though. But you need to focus on yourselves and not what he has.

How irritating! Also how sad for him having to constantly outdo everybody and try and take away from their pleasure. Has anyone ever mentioned this to him and asked why he is behaving like Verucca Salt?

You could have some fun, tagging him into photos of you and DH with ridiculous and expensive items such as a decommissioned battleship, a taxidermied hippo, the belongings of a famous horrible person and wait to see how he tops those.

Haha cross post with Luna !

Actually I think he is a bit jealous of you and your husband. Does he have a partner in his life?

No this isn't OP being jealous, the BIL is being jealous. That's why he has to rush out and buy the better version.

Remind yourself he does it because he's unhappy.

I don't think it's jealousy on your part.
Something similar has only happened to me one. At first I was irritated, upset, that my special thing that I'd been so excited about had the shine taken off. Then I realised that I pitied the other person for trying to buy my feelings of happiness and excitement for themselves because they never experienced them. They didn't want the thing I had, they wanted how I felt.
And you can't buy that.
My thing is still special and my heart lifts every time I see/ use it. Their thing will be discarded in a cupboard and of no use or value.
In fact, until this post I'd actually forgotten about their second one.

This is annoying. But. I actually feel a bit sorry and sad for someone who is so joyless that they get off on trying to prove themselves by one upping members of their own family when they are already successful and rich.

We have never asked him outright why he does it, we make a concerted effort to appear completely unbothered by it and very happy with our lot (which we are!) as otherwise we feel as though he is getting the reaction he probably wants! Argh, see, more mind games that I don't want to play!!!

Jokey comments are made sometimes like 'quick BIL, get on Amazon!' particularly at Christmas where it's all a bit more obvious just because people are receiving presents etc) but I have never talked about it to anyone but my husband because it would just make us look sore and jealous.

It's not just us, he does it with everyone. Actually the very worst examples by far involve other family members.

Bil hasn't got a fab dw though has he??
Dh wins!!

He must be quite unhappy to be acting like this.
What's the rest of his life like? Health, partner, kids, friends, hobbies?

I’d start thinking of really ridiculous things to tell him we’re getting.. he’ll need that ultra fancy neon pink skin tight Lycra cycling suit with the matching long strange helmet n all of those things you don’t want because logically why would you.

Hahahaha!

Another option would be to come up with some kind of personalised or hand made gift, the sort of thing that money can't buy.

Say you’ve Clubbed together and bought a racehorse!
See what happens!
I would turn it into a funny game.

Stop telling him what you're doing before you do it.

It won't matter as much if he copies you if he does it after you have. If DH had gone for that first bike ride before BIL copied, or he'd booked his all singing holiday once you were back... you'd have been there; done that.

It sounds like he's quite self obsessed, I'd enjoy dropping in comments about how much he sees you and your husband as trendsetters whenever he copies

Get your husband an entry to the Velo North (or whatever the equivalent is where you live) for Xmas. Enter him for the medium route. Comment on how the long route is better but more expensive.

Look forward to the race!

He has a gorgeous wife, three beautiful children, hugely successful career. SIL (his wife, DH sister) is very down to earth.

I really can understand how you feel, but it is very unlikely that BIL is doing it as one upmanship, typically this type of behaviour is about his attempt to bond with you, think about how we mimic each other's body language, tone of voice etc to create bonds. He very possibly either consciously or unconsciously sees all of these gestures as having a commonality with you - 'look DB we have the same bike aren't we close' or 'I love dsis in laws taste in glass artists, I'll do some research and get one too so we have a shared interest in something that's important to her'. It's obviously very clumsy and not greatly emotionally intelligent but if you could flip your perception it may back it easier to tolerate.

Stop telling him what you're buying.

Stop telling him what you are doing.

As PPs have advised, just make shit up. Maybe tell him that you are taking a 6 month sabbatical to go and dig latrines in a less than desirable location.

If he is going to be with you at Christmas I am afraid that I would be sorely tempted to acquire the biggest, blingiest, most hideous ornament in the history of the world (charity shops are your friend here) and wrap it as your gift from OH.

@Mumoftwoyoungkids we have had almost the exact same scenario unfold in the past. He did indeed enter but didn't do the training and made his excuses to pull out.

It won't matter as much if he copies you if he does it after you have. If DH had gone for that first bike ride before BIL copied, or he'd booked his all singing holiday once you were back...you'd have been there; done that.

Definitely do this.

Is DH’s sister embarrassed by this-has it been pointed out into her?

I’d start taking the piss gently. If you buy DH a bike (which you/DH definitely shouldn’t have told him about beforehand because he sounds like a twat)-you can say to him-if you want to top DH in the ‘who’s got the best bike’ competition, the Nimbus 2000 is £4K etc!

Or start calling him Elevenerife!

He's a twat.

It might be this drive he has that's made him so successful.