Right to be fed up or am I just jealous?

[possiblegreeneyedmonster]

My BIL is incredibly wealthy. Think private jet sort of wealthy. He is also incredibly insecure.

We all get on fine, but I'm sat here dreading Christmas because of the constant level of oneupmanship which is beginning to wear me down. I'm probably going to sound crazy and materialistic when I'm not but I'll attempt to explain.

In a nutshell, it seems that BIL can't bear for anyone else to have anything nice. If someone buys something nice/special/unusual he immediately has to get the same thing, but better. It sounds a bit petty when I say it out loud but over the years it has really begun to wear thin.

I should perhaps feel flattered that he likes the things we buy enough to be inspired to get the same but it feels as though it's almost done in a sort of dominant/power games sort of way and it's a game that I am simply not interested in competing in! We are reasonably well off in a normal sort of way and quite happy with our lot, we couldn't dream of having his insanely high level disposable income level so it's not a game we could ever win anyway!

A few examples: last year my husband bought me a beautiful handmade glass lampshade made by an artist I admire. It's unusual and was (for us) a huge amount of money to spend on something special that we would enjoy for a long time. It has pride of place in our living room and I love it. BIL was there on Christmas Day when I opened it and sure enough, the next time we visit weeks later he has a bigger better version of my lamp, but casually shoved in a non-prominent room of his house.

Sounds silly to be irritated by a lamp but this happens with anything and everything nice that we do/buy that he gets wind of.

Last year we went on a special holiday that we had saved for for several years. Unusual location abroad, quirky accommodation. He couldn't bear it- booked a much 'better' version of our holiday a week after hearing what we had booked. So our lovely special trip that we had saved so hard for was immediately brought down a peg or two and was positioned as a bit substandard. We had an awesome time anyway of course but it grated a bit.

This year I have bought my husband a new bike for Christmas. Was a joint birthday/Christmas gift as much more than we'd usually spend on a gift. DH is a keen cyclist and has wanted this bike for a long time, an expensive purchase for us that we talked about a lot together before making a decision that we would buy it. DH must have told BIL about it as lo and behold this morning he gets a text with a photo of the bike BIL bought himself yesterday. Yep, it's the same bike as DH is getting but the top of the range all singing and dancing version that's way out of our budget.

WHY CAN'T MY HUSBAND JUST ENJOY HIS NEW BIKE ON CHRISTMAS DAY WITHOUT IT HAVING TO IMMEDIATELY BE MADE 'LESSER' BY BIL???!!!!! BIL doesn't even like cycling?!!!!!!

There are too many examples to list but basically we aren't allowed to have/do anything nice of our own without it being bettered.

Argh it sounds so petty and 'first world problem' when I type it out but it's really bothering me! We try and keep things to ourselves if we don't want them one-upped which is ridiculous really as him buying better doesn't detract from our enjoyment of our own lives. We aren't particularly showy or ostentatious people so it's not as though we give a shit about impressing people with our stuff so I don't understand why this annoys me so much!!!!

Is it jealousy that makes me so annoyed or is his behaviour actually a bit twatish? I have no idea.

AIBU to be sick of this nonsense?

It's not jealousy, but you seem to want to make others envious and this is taken away by your BIL who clearly upstage you making people more envious.

Nothing that you described are things you shouldn't have full enjoyment of regardless of whether he gets the same or better.

I hate this race to getting things and then hoping others will wish they could have the same.

@feliciabirthgiver you might be right, and I like that take on things. He's a lovely guy who clearly adores his extended family, he just seems to have some strange control issues.

All that success and such fragile self-esteem. It's not nice but it's doesn't reflect badly on you, just him. I wonder what SIL thinks of it?

I don't have a huge amount of control over the telling him stuff. DH and him are close and talk regularly about all sorts going on in their lives. It doesn't bother DH as much as it does me, he's v laid back and just laughs it off. I know, I should take a leaf out of his book!

He sounds like a total dick - your poor SIL!

Could you have some fun with it? Don't tell him anything you are really buying or doing, but do tell him random shit and watch him waste money on his silly one upmanship?

What a sad man. I wonder what his wife thinks of it all.

“Aw how funny, you’ve copied us again! It does make us giggle! It’s the one thing you don’t have, isn’t it, imagination! Just shows you can’t buy everything, but at least it gives us a laugh!” Then change the subject.

Don't know what SIL makes of it.

@aroundtheworldyet I would bet my life savings that if we bought a share in a racehorse he would 100% buy an entire one. Guaranteed. I'm surprised he doesn't have one already.

DH and him are close and talk regularly about all sorts going on in their lives

That’s a shame DH is telling him so much. I’m surprised it doesn’t bother him.

You know I'm so glad I posted as just getting it off my chest has been hugely cathartic!

Thank you to everyone who replied to say they get it, you have made me feel loads better.

Some of the suggestions are hilarious (the hippo is my favourite ) but I can't be arsed to get sucked into it all even more. Agree it's likely borne out of a clumsy desire to share common ground or plain old insecurity so best just carry on ignoring it.

This place is such an excellent place to let of steam, I genuinely feel less bothered about it already

I agree with feliciabirthgiver and it may be that he has so much money he doesn’t actually want or need anything so has no clue what to buy until he sees what someone else has bought.

He's a twat!
But you are wasting time investing in him. Live your life not his ideal.

I’d laugh at him, to his face, he’s being pathetic, call him out on it every time

My BIL is like this and it makes me glad we live in a seperate country from him. He doesn't buy everything we have but he constantly has to argue with DH that his car, house, bike etc are so much better and more expensive. It's tedious but his wife is the same and I do wonder if his friends are like this as well? I don' let it bother me because I don't want to spend my whole life watching the possessions of the people around me and trying to 'outdo' them. Envy is not a nice quality and it does interfere with his relationship with his brother, so it is doing him harm. I have always wondered what happens amongst his friends if any one 'won' -would they all stand around and applaud their friend for getting the biggest house in their peer group, the most expensive car? Or would they hate them? Not a nice way to live your life and not people I would want to spend anytime with. It's also so pointless, someone else has always got more, at least on the surface. So ignore him, OP, or have fun with it but don't let it bother you. If you can say you have everything you want and everything you need, then you are by far the richest person out of the two of you.

I don't think I'd be able to resist having a play with him tbh. I find these types of people amusing.

Stop telling him things.

Or have staged mock presents to open on front of him and have the real deal for later.

YANBU but imagine the fun you could have! A PPs suggestion of a stuffed hippo is genius. He’ll end up having to move in order to accommodate his stuffed whale 😁

It's not jealousy, but you seem to want to make others envious and this is taken away by your BIL who clearly upstage you making people more envious.

@Dontdisturbmenow I've just been considering this, do I want to make others envious? On one hand, taking the lamp example, I suppose I enjoy it on the rare occasions when people visit and compliment my lamp... but is that because I want them to be envious of it or because it's nice that others think that something I enjoy looking at is lovely and unusual too?

Do all special purchases have to be bought with the intention of making others envious? Is it ok to proudly wear a new winter coat (not that I have had a new winter coat in years, just an example!). We don't have the spare cash to buy much envy-inducing stuff. Most special things that we invest in never get seen by anyone else anyway. Not much opportunity to wow people with the super-soft bed sheets I got for my birthday, but I get a lot of joy from climbing into them when I go to bed!

I guess what ultimately bothers me re the oneupmanship is that it (rightly or wrongly) takes the shine off things a bit. Perhaps that does say something negative about the sort of person I am but I wouldn't class myself as someone who is overly motivated to try and impress people.

Sounds like the whole family could do with a dose of “how other folks live”.

Try some voluntary work helping out others less fortunate. That should make for some interesting oneupmanship.

This isn't jealous. I used to have a friend like this and it is annoying.

It is proof that money can't buy happiness. He is rich but he isn't happy and therefpre when he sees you and your husband having a good time he feels the need to try to bring you down. If he was truly happy then he wouldn't feel the need to act like this.

Oh for goodness sake, Gettiwright people can treat themselves and their loved ones without having to feel guilty! And how do you know the OP and her BIL don't do anything in terms of charitable donations or voluntary work?

Start saying you're donating to charities. Then he can one-up you and others will benefit.

*Sounds like the whole family could do with a dose of “how other folks live”.

Try some voluntary work helping out others less fortunate. That should make for some interesting oneupmanship.*

@Getitwright I spend 7 hours a week volunteering in a professional capacity for a charity supporting some of the worst-off children in the country and my career itself is centred around helping some of our most socio-economically deprived communities access opportunities so I'm afraid you can fuck right off with your judgy 'go see how the other half live' comment.

Never mind a pink neon cycling shirt...buy DH a neon dildo but tell BIL you only went for the 6" version

I should also add that BIL donates eye watering amounts to charity and always has done since I have known him so I have nothing but admiration for him on that front.