Right to be fed up or am I just jealous?

[possiblegreeneyedmonster]

My BIL is incredibly wealthy. Think private jet sort of wealthy. He is also incredibly insecure.

We all get on fine, but I'm sat here dreading Christmas because of the constant level of oneupmanship which is beginning to wear me down. I'm probably going to sound crazy and materialistic when I'm not but I'll attempt to explain.

In a nutshell, it seems that BIL can't bear for anyone else to have anything nice. If someone buys something nice/special/unusual he immediately has to get the same thing, but better. It sounds a bit petty when I say it out loud but over the years it has really begun to wear thin.

I should perhaps feel flattered that he likes the things we buy enough to be inspired to get the same but it feels as though it's almost done in a sort of dominant/power games sort of way and it's a game that I am simply not interested in competing in! We are reasonably well off in a normal sort of way and quite happy with our lot, we couldn't dream of having his insanely high level disposable income level so it's not a game we could ever win anyway!

A few examples: last year my husband bought me a beautiful handmade glass lampshade made by an artist I admire. It's unusual and was (for us) a huge amount of money to spend on something special that we would enjoy for a long time. It has pride of place in our living room and I love it. BIL was there on Christmas Day when I opened it and sure enough, the next time we visit weeks later he has a bigger better version of my lamp, but casually shoved in a non-prominent room of his house.

Sounds silly to be irritated by a lamp but this happens with anything and everything nice that we do/buy that he gets wind of.

Last year we went on a special holiday that we had saved for for several years. Unusual location abroad, quirky accommodation. He couldn't bear it- booked a much 'better' version of our holiday a week after hearing what we had booked. So our lovely special trip that we had saved so hard for was immediately brought down a peg or two and was positioned as a bit substandard. We had an awesome time anyway of course but it grated a bit.

This year I have bought my husband a new bike for Christmas. Was a joint birthday/Christmas gift as much more than we'd usually spend on a gift. DH is a keen cyclist and has wanted this bike for a long time, an expensive purchase for us that we talked about a lot together before making a decision that we would buy it. DH must have told BIL about it as lo and behold this morning he gets a text with a photo of the bike BIL bought himself yesterday. Yep, it's the same bike as DH is getting but the top of the range all singing and dancing version that's way out of our budget.

WHY CAN'T MY HUSBAND JUST ENJOY HIS NEW BIKE ON CHRISTMAS DAY WITHOUT IT HAVING TO IMMEDIATELY BE MADE 'LESSER' BY BIL???!!!!! BIL doesn't even like cycling?!!!!!!

There are too many examples to list but basically we aren't allowed to have/do anything nice of our own without it being bettered.

Argh it sounds so petty and 'first world problem' when I type it out but it's really bothering me! We try and keep things to ourselves if we don't want them one-upped which is ridiculous really as him buying better doesn't detract from our enjoyment of our own lives. We aren't particularly showy or ostentatious people so it's not as though we give a shit about impressing people with our stuff so I don't understand why this annoys me so much!!!!

Is it jealousy that makes me so annoyed or is his behaviour actually a bit twatish? I have no idea.

AIBU to be sick of this nonsense?

I understand how you feel, and how it takes the shine off anything you and your husband have worked hard to buy for yourself. Especially as BIL always has to go one better and get the upgraded version. Not sure what you can do about it unfortunately, but I get it.

I think a PP had it.

He sees how happy something makes someone else and so he gets the bigger better version because logically, it will make him even more happy, right?! Except it doesnt.

And it never will. He will die, fantastically rich, surrounded by stuff, and still the unhappiest man on earth. I wonder whether he values his wife and children because I wouldnt be happy married to a man like that.

How did he get to be so rich?

I wonder if the joy was in the chase for him, and now he has got the loot he has nothing left to strive for and is trying to find that hit again by buying stuff.

I honestly don’t think I would even notice, or even if I did, There is no way I would ever react or let it get to me. He perhaps is a bit insecure, or perhaps has no real personality of his own, either way it is a non-event. (Or at least you should make it that way 😉)

I honestly don’t think I would even notice

Even if the person went out of their way to show you? To say "LOOK! You know that thing you saved for years for? That meant the world to you? I've just done it too, but bigger, better and I have so much money, I didnt even notice the cost!" Every. Single. Time?

Of course you would notice and you would be a better person than me if it didnt piss you off, even only a little bit.

Would the Bil follow suit,if you decided to give up your nice house,and possessions,and went to live in a caravan in a muddy field, and bought a pig and a goat and some chickens ?

We have never asked him outright why he does it, we make a concerted effort to appear completely unbothered by it and very happy with our lot (which we are!) as otherwise we feel as though he is getting the reaction he probably wants! Argh, see, more mind games that I don't want to play!!!

So either ask him outright rather than snidely-oblique 'jokes' and / or work on your feelings and reaction.

But, yes, that would seriously rattle my cage.

That would wind me up. My sister in law is a little bit like this. Has oodles of money but for some weird reason likes to belittle the few nice things we do have. Like our beautiful dining chairs “oh are they from target”? Umm no they’re not. Oh really they look exactly like the ones in target

I know someone like this. He just has so much disposable income that he can buy anything he wants without giving it a second thought. So if he sees you with something and he likes it, he's bought it online within minutes. In his case I don't think it's oneupmanship, he sees it as a compliment!

If your bil is otherwise lovely, and a good friend to your dp, I would try to rise above it and turn it into a bit of a joke.

If you think he has malicious intentions, you could talk to him about it couldn't you?

There you go, you are on your way! Let BIL know and see what he comes up with on your next top trumps meet up!

It’s only an issue because you are making it one. Not life threatening, not illegal, just irritating.

I dont understand why you jaunt said anything!
Has anyone asked the SIL? What does she say?