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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surprise gone wrong AIBU

126 replies

ShouldIBeMad · 21/12/2019 10:11

I will try and keep this as brief as possible...

My OH has been saying that he has a surprise for me for the better part of a week now. He said that he has been planning it for the better part of a month. We have a 14 month old DD.

Thursday night I came down with a vomiting bug, literally being sick all through the night. Friday morning still being violently ill, OH tells me that the surprise was that he is going to move us into our new home early. We were meant to pick up the keys on Friday but not move until after Christmas.

OH would have been doing most of the packing as I am working over Christmas and he is off work. He was also going to go and measure up for curtains so we could prepare.

He said his Mum and Sister were coming to help pack it all up, DD was at nursery. I stayed in bed as was still sick and let him get on with it.

Anyway, we get to the new house last night, nothing is unpacked, there are no curtains up anywhere. I couldn’t give a shit at this point, I’m still really ill. I have a bath and go to bed. Our bed isn’t put together so me, DD and OH sleep on a mattress on the floor.

I wake up this morning and things really hit home, we have no curtains in any rooms. The street outside has full view in to our bedroom and living room. OH, his Mum and sister has just thrown any old crap into boxes. So I’ve got a random saucepan lid in with some flour/sugar cupboard bits. He even just unplugged the fridge freezer with everything in it still and brought it over so it all needs cleaning out.

Also still a lot of things still at our old house...

I’m fucking gutted, I feel so weak today. OH says we can go get this stuff from Ikea but I shouldn’t even be out in public as still not 48 hours since last being sick, so I can’t.

When he said he was moving us as a surprise, I thought everything would be done. He seems so angry that I am not eternally grateful for this and is telling me that I am not normal because I am upset.

I don’t want to be unpacking while I am not well but DD keeps trying to get in all the boxes.

AIBU to think if he has been planning this for a month, things should have been done better?

OP posts:
Polly111 · 21/12/2019 13:44

Yanbu - get oh to buy some windolene to put on the bedroom window and set the bed up. Then get it in until you’re better and leave oh to sort the house out

golfbuggy · 21/12/2019 13:50

Assuming you've moved relatively close by, moving the fridge/freezer with everything in it, wasn't necessarily a bad idea. the fridge is insulating so will keep stuff cold for quite a while when it's not plugged in. Depends how long it was unplugged for really.

BlackCatSleeping · 21/12/2019 13:50

If he had got in professional packers and professional cleaners, that would have been a nice surprise.

Did he go to Ikea? That would have been a good punishment for anyone.

BlackCatSleeping · 21/12/2019 13:51

Surely everything in the fridge would get knocked around and spilled. Before we moved, we had to turn off the fridge and freezer for at least 24 hours to defrost it before moving.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/12/2019 13:57

I know cancer1989 has already taken a bit of a thrashing on this thread but this bit a huge task that unfortunately didn’t go to his plan really stuck out to me.

It did go to his plan and that’s whats so wrong with what he did. This was his plan.

His plan wasn’t to set it all up and make the new house a home. His plan wasn’t to ensure all the work was done as a treat for OP. His plan was to get them into the new house as quickly as possible because he was excited about it. His plan was to do as little as possible to get them there and then rely on OP to help ensure it was all set up.

OP being expected to do half the the work isn’t unreasonable if they both have equal time free. It’s her home too, after all. But unilaterally deciding to shift the time frame from a planned one to an adhoc one just before Christmas it entitled and thoughtless in the extreme.

JasonPollack · 21/12/2019 13:57

Oh my god that's awful, I'd be gutted I'm so sorry!

Junie70 · 21/12/2019 14:03

What actually was he planning all that time?

I'd find that pretty unforgivable, to be honest.

And chances are that he'll come down with it next, and it will all be on you to sort.

MistyCloud · 21/12/2019 14:06

@ShouldIBeMad LOL of course YANBU. What a shitty 'surprise.' Men have such ridiculous ideas of 'great surprises' and what women actually want.

My friend's husband said he had a wonderful surprise for her in December 2017, and the 'surprise' was that he had invited her mother and sister, and HIS mother, his sister and her partner and child (for Christmas.) They all lived 50 to 80 miles away.

He said it would be an amazing great family Christmas, and beamed with pride and excitement as they poured out of the taxi onto the pavement..

And of course my FRIEND ended up being chief cook and bottle washer for the entire 5 days they were there. Her DH (and his family) sat down and did fuckall.

When they had gone, she said to him that she'll file for divorce if he pulls a trick like that again. Even to this day - 2 years on - he can't see what he did wrong.

MistyCloud · 21/12/2019 14:07

Sorry, should have proof-read! SOME men have such ridiculous ideas of 'great surprises.' NOT all.

FinallyHere · 21/12/2019 14:17

An excellent example of why surprises are such a bad idea. Add illness into the mix and it becomes a living hell.

The priority is to get a room set up for you the invalid and ideally separately your D.C. to sleep. Towels, shower gel, loo rolls for the bathrooms. Any prescription / otc medicines.

Then the kitchen, for hot drinks and invalid food.

then the dining room/ living room. When you are well enough, start a plan for him to complete the move and tick off the items as he does them.

As PP suggested, cardboard would do for makeshift 'curtains' for you bedroom.

What is the problem with moving your bed?

So sorry you are facing this. xx

CSIblonde · 21/12/2019 14:18

YANBU. As he's obv crap at organisation, (why the heck didn't he get a removal firm) stay in bed & write a list & tell him you need your bedroom, sitting room & kitchen useable & straight by Xmas. Anything else can wait. Sheets draped over curtain rails as temporary curtains. It's funny the 80's thing of carpets & curtains included in house sales has gone: that & a removal firm makes a move infinitely less hassle.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/12/2019 14:18

If he had got in professional packers and professional cleaners, that would have been a nice surprise.

Only if they have a lot of money, it came out of his spending money or it’s the sort of thing OP has agreed is worth spending £££s on. Unilaterally deciding to use family resources on your own priorities instead of putting some work in isn’t a treat for your partner.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/12/2019 14:19

It was a shit surprise though, no one moves 4 days before Xmas unless their very rich & the house has been decorated including Xmas decs prior to you walking in.

Making you live like first time buyers when you’ve got Noro is batshit.

safariboot · 21/12/2019 14:19

Unless you really really hated your old home, that's a spectacularly idiotic 'surprise' from your DH. If I planned on moving out after Christmas I'd be greatly looking forward to celebrating our last Christmas in our old home and would be majorly pissed off at someone fucking that up.

Tell DH he'd better be busting a nut to sort things out.

bookmum08 · 21/12/2019 14:29

Go and stay at your mil or sil place. Or your family if they are close enough. Take the basics you need (clothing, baby things) and stay there until the new year.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/12/2019 14:29

If he'd had everything in hand perhaps it would have been okay, but "Surprise! Now get to work!" is a shit surprise. You didn't get to say a proper goodbye to your old home, you didn't get to organize your stuff, etc. Once he knew you were ill it should have all been cancelled. It should have been cancelled anyway, who wants to move house the weekend before Christmas? He sounds like a fool. And all your frozen food is ruined? Shit...

Can you afford to move into a hotel for a few days with your DD while he organizes everything. And I mean everything.

HyacynthBucket · 21/12/2019 14:31

He sounds like someone who has been waited on all his life and has no idea . You are ill, just let him sort it out, do not try and get up and do it for him. People who make messes only learn not to by having to clean up after themselves - it is the only cure! Miserable for you, so sad at Christmas. Don't do it for him, though.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/12/2019 14:32

@Cancer1989 If you're female, please raise your standards. They are frighteningly low. And if you're male, please tell us no women are having your existence inflicted on them.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/12/2019 14:39

I wouldn’t find being moved (by surprise) days before Christmas a good surprise to start with. I would find that incredibly stressful. Unless the person was literally going to do everything and the new house was going to be entirely set up for me to walk into and sit down. I would not want to be unpacking in the days before Christmas. The fact he still insisted on it while you were sick and then didn’t even do it half well would tip me over the edge. I’d possibly move into a hotel for Xmas and tell him to sort it.

MistyCloud · 21/12/2019 14:40

No-one is taking @cancer1989's post seriously are they? (post 25 at 11.37am.)

Surely it's a joke/spoof post, to stir the pot. NOBODY can possible think like this. Not in this century, and not on this planet.

Thinkingabout1t · 21/12/2019 14:42

Do go back to your old house if you can, OP, and rest while you're unwell. Don't forget you also need time to recuperate afterwards. It's up to DH and his family to sort out the mess they've caused. (Sounds as if it would all have been a giant mess even if you hadn't fallen ill.)

And promise me you're not even thinking of cooking a Christmas dinner!

DrunkSanta · 21/12/2019 14:43

I would kill him stone dead.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 21/12/2019 14:56

I think the OP is currently having an argument with @Cancer1989 her husband about how irresponsible and selfish, his ‘surprise’ is.

3luckystars · 21/12/2019 14:58

What exactly did he do in advance?

The month he spent 'planning' was just thinking, he didn't actually do anything. What are you supposed to thank him for, collecting keys?

Good luck. Hopefully you will look back and laugh someday. I hope you feel better soon.

ginghamtablecloths · 21/12/2019 15:07

It would annoy me too. As you've been so ill it would have been more sensible to have waited, forget the surprise element.

However, despite some people's best intentions if they're crap at organising things something like moving house can end up being a bad experience. Others just don't think like you do.

If you want to do something properly you have to do it yourself, I'm afraid. I've had a bad experience when I was ill and DH didn't pay the same attention to detail. Not necessarily his fault, he isn't a mind reader and I'm a control freak. It will get better OP.

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