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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt

125 replies

Midwifehopefully · 20/12/2019 21:14

I want to do midwifery, I took a gap year last year and am applying this year to Russel group unis and am moving out to London. I have already sent off my ucas. Today I was talking to my mother who just randomly sprung on me that she didn't like my career choice and that any one can do it without any educational background. That I'm wasting all the hard work I put in during GCSE'S and A-levels I know I want to do it but it just shocked me a bit. I don't want to disappoint her and this is the first time she has said this. Just a bit confused and sad really.

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 20/12/2019 22:18

What you need, OP, is counselling. Therapy, in fact. Your mother is blighting your life and future, and it would be good if you could separate yourself from that now, so as not to have to carry that burden through your life.
Women need midwives. We need intelligent, committed midwives who care about us. If you are going to do that, you should be applauded.

SusieOwl4 · 20/12/2019 22:18

I would hold your head high and be proud of your choice .

LovePoppy · 20/12/2019 22:19

@DCOkeford are you OPs mum?

What a sad little attitude you have

daisypond · 20/12/2019 22:20

Midwifery is a respectable and good career with very reasonable wages. Most people I know who went to Russell Group and Oxbridge don’t earn any more than midwives. Most earn less. One friend who did an academic subject at Oxford retrained to become a midwife in their 30s.

TheMustressMhor · 20/12/2019 22:25

We need intelligent, committed midwives who care about us. If you are going to do that, you should be applauded

Quite right. I have read so many threads on here where terrible midwifery care has resulted in desperate mental health breakdowns for women.

I have also read plenty of threads in which terrible obstetricians have contributed to women feeling they have no bodily autonomy.

Just because someone is a doctor it does not follow that they are a better practitioner. Doctors just earn more.

Oh, and they have to work nights and Christmas, DCOkeFord. You may be surprised to learn that babies are still born at times which do not coincide with times of day, and seasons, during which people naturally prefer to work.

I am puzzled as to why anyone would think that doctors get to choose not to work at Christmas time.

IdblowJonSnow · 20/12/2019 22:26

Gosh, a lot of snootery on here this eve!
My colleague's DD is extremely bright and needed very high grades to get on her course in London. I think it's somewhat outdated to think that everyone aspires to medicine and those less bright do nursing or whatever.
It's a great career choice, please don't let anyone put you off.

IdblowJonSnow · 20/12/2019 22:28

Yanbu to feel hurt. Ywbu to listen to your mum.
Tell her to support you or to buggar off.

notanurse2017 · 20/12/2019 22:29

I am gobsmacked at some of the opinions here. Midwifery is an amazing career in its own right, and can lead onto different things as well.

Op if you want to be a midwife, go for it and be proud.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 20/12/2019 22:31

I let my mum overinfluence my degree choice and spent 3 yrs studying a degree I couldn’t maintain an interest in. 20 yrs later I’m still fascinated by the subject she talked me out of studying.

If you want to midwife, midwife.

Wonkybanana · 20/12/2019 22:33

she does always make me feel like shit and its usually when our extended family are around that she likes to raise her concerns but she does have a genuine intrest to look out for me and she has never made me feel short on her love.

Sorry OP but someone who truly loves you doesn't make you feel shit and belittle you in front of the family. In what ways do you think she shows her love?

You sound totally committed to the career choice you've made. Stick with it. It doesn't matter what your mother thinks, she isn't the one who'll be doing the graft. Doing a job you love is one of the greatest pleasures in life.

RB68 · 20/12/2019 22:36

The thing is life isn't just about how much you can earn or how much you are worth or what nice things in life you can have. Its also not about "outdoing" others in terms of what you do, what you earn or who you are. I feel sorry for people that think like that - they are more a slave to society than those that choose what they love and live on less - sometimes they even end up living on more as they fall into something they are passionate about and can earn the money but that was never the be all and end all.

I have an Aunt who never did o levels but went straight into nursing years ago, she progressed did courses travelled the world - as a midwife, came back and taught in Mcr at one of the biggest teaching hospitals. One day they said - oh we don't have your qualifications on file - she said that's because I don't have any!!! She ended up with "grandfather status". These days that would be impossible

JinxandBinx · 20/12/2019 22:37

@Midwifehopefully
If you decide to fully pursue it, I can guarantee you will find the strongest woman (and the odd man) who will keep you going and be so proud of your achievements!!
The job isn’t always easy, and the shit side is shit (I’m thinking bereavement) so you have to have a good support system. My mum is a nurse and doesn’t fully understand my work but my colleagues are amazing and they are my support.

Just in addiction, I would look the hospitals where you would be doing placements as a student. I didn’t go to a RG Uni but I did go to the top university in the country for both my nursing and midwifery and the hospitals where I was a student are where I now work because I thought they were brilliant (even if CQC don’t).

gamerwidow · 20/12/2019 22:37

What you chose to study at University and make your career has nothing to do with anyone but yourself.
If you want to be a midwife then do it and be proud. You will always be more successful and satisfied doing something you have a passion for.
Yes you may not earn mega bucks but value of being happy in your work and proud of what you do cannot be measured.

Craftycorvid · 20/12/2019 22:40

DCOkeford Goodness! If we all chose careers based purely on perceived status....well, midwifery, nursing, obstetrics ALL require academic and emotional intelligence, tenacity and commitment. In short: to do well you have to really want to do the job well. I choose to work in a role that basically guarantees I’m never going to earn a packet, but I love my job. Yes, I’m academically qualified to do something more obviously lucrative. If there’s a problem it’s the number of skilled roles that are woefully underpaid!

Notodontidae · 20/12/2019 22:42

I encourage what my children want to do, not what I want them to do its their choice. However, if someone has a valid reason why it may not be suitable, there is no harm in mentioning it. Midwifery can be a rewarding job, however the NHS has been cash-strapped up until now. Hopefully things will get better.

Bjorksswandress · 20/12/2019 22:46

Please do the course you want to do. Please yourself and then at least one person will be happy. I totally get that your DM wants you to do better than she did and have more opportunities than she did. But doing that shouldn’t and mustn’t come at the expense of your happiness.

It is an old fashioned view of nursing that she has and as outdated as the ridiculous saying ‘Those who can’t, teach.’ As an immigrant I wanted my children to have choices. They went to private school and that was a real stretch financially. But yes it did give them choices as they got brilliant GCSE and A level results. One wanted to teach. Yes medicine, law, pharmacy etc would have been options but I was happy they could choose a career they felt was right for them.

It’s not about your Mum. It’s about you. Its disappointing she can’t be glad about the fact you are applying to do something you find interesting and rewarding, but that’s no reason to change your mind.

Frozenfan2019 · 20/12/2019 22:46

shes always like she had to do all this hard work so she could give us a good life which is why i feel the need to respect her opinions

That's her job though, we all work hard so our kids can have a good life. That doesn't mean they owe us their happiness. The reason we want our kids to have a good life is so that they can be happy. If midwifery makes you happy then go for it. Happiness is all that matters in the end.

blue25 · 20/12/2019 22:47

Well, I have a close friend who’s a midwife and they regret not aiming higher in life, as in all honesty they could have done better.

In terms of pay, work/life balance, being able to afford nice holidays, house etc. they lead a very average life which they hadn’t realised would be the case when choosing midwifery.

Chocness · 20/12/2019 22:49

I know someone who started as a midwife and worked her way up to be head of midwifery for an entire NHS Trust. She has done very well for herself in material terms and enjoys what she does. You go for it and good luck to you.

daisypond · 20/12/2019 22:53

There is still a lot of snobbery about vocational degrees. My nephew felt it when he did a physiotherapy degree at one of the former-poly universities. But he had three A* in maths, biology and chemistry. He had the choice of lots of courses and universities, and this is what he picked. And he walked straight into a job too.

Original poster
Midwifehopefully · 20/12/2019 22:53

@Bjorksswandress thankyou so much I agree with u a lot. Its not like she's forcing me not to do it she hasn't said a word bad about it till today it's more just me over analysing everything she said and just thinking she's been feeling like this for a while and a kept it in and then when I asked her to expand she just said forget it do what u want

OP posts:
DoIhavetobejolly · 20/12/2019 22:55

OP, one thing I've learned about life is that there is a big difference between intelligence and wisdom. There are plenty of intelligent people who are very good at passing exams, who sadly lack wisdom.

I think you need to use your wisdom here OP and do what feels right for you.

I've had some horrible Doctors in my time who it seemed very clear to me were not remotely interested in their jobs in actuality. Some of them did me serious harm because of their lack of interest and empathy. Their apparent lack of interest in patients makes me wonder why they were in the profession at all.

I think it would be a great shame if you pushed yourself to do medicine and made a miserable doctor instead of a happy midwife.

Trumpton · 20/12/2019 22:56

DD got a first class degree from Oxford , and honours MA at UCL and after a couple of years working in her chosen field did a degree in midwifery .
I am so proud of the strong woman she is . Secure and happy in her chosen career .

Namaste6 · 20/12/2019 23:00

As a midwife you will literally have lives in your hands. That's certainly not something that 'anyone' could do. My DS is 18 now. I still remember the wonderful midwifes who kept me safe through a long labour. This is your future and not your mothers. She'll only want the best for you, which is completely natural but go ahead and do what you want to do.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 20/12/2019 23:02

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