To be annoyed my mum chooses my dad

[girlygirl98]

My mum has just called me to say that she's no longer coming to Christmas dinner at our house. We invited her, my sister and brother who both still live at home, my father and my uncle ( her brother) weeks ago and have bought the food in. I'm hurt she isn't going to spend it with me and her grandchildren. Background to this is complex but basically my dad was very abusive and violent throughout my childhood to my mother and to us. She divorced him when I was 5 but out of fear he remained with us for about seven more years . She eventually kicked him out when I was about 12 but he remained 'on the scene'. They still live separate and he spends a lot of months abroad in his home country but when he is here he goes round most weeks for Sunday dinner. I've always found this odd but my mum has a tendency to take in waifs and strays and feel sorry for people and she says she feels sorry for him being alone in a country with no family bothering with him (his fault for terrorising us as kids) She also has her 70 year old brother round for this weekly Sunday dinner as well. To add to the awkwardness of that her brother hates my dad but tolerates him through a Sunday dinner. I don't speak to my dad but I tolerated him last Christmas at my home so that my mum would come for Christmas dinner as she seems to harbour some sort of obligation to have my dad at Christmas. They are not romantically involved in any way although I know it sounds that way. When she rang she said that she couldn't come because my brother has decided to go to wales on his own instead (?!) and my uncle is refusing to have my dad in his car ( only my brother and uncle drive). I asked why she, my uncle and my sister couldn't come and leave my dad and she said she would feel too guilty. I can't believe that my mother is choosing her abusive ex partner that literally nobody else speaks to over her daughter and grandchildren plus the fact we've bought too much food now. I even said we could do dinner at 12 and she could do an evening meal with my dad later but that's been vetoed too. Generally my mum and I are very close, speak on the phone every single day and she visits twice a month ( we live about two hours away). Is it unreasonable to be angry about this?

Yanbu. I'd be very hurt by that and tbh would try to withdraw from much e mm otional investment in her, as you'll only keep getting hurt/rejected otherwise.

Definitely YANBU

Not ur at all. But it’s her decision, your gift to her and yourself could be to just let this go. Put your woes in a basket and send it down stream. Resentment is toxic.

I'd be hurt. Vantyou still have your sister and uncle come?

@Booboooo I don't think my uncle would come without my mum and my sister doesn't drive. We can't do a pick up either as I have stepchildren and we'll be ferrying them around

Will your other relatives still be coming? It's very hurtful what she has done but hopefully the rest of you can still have a nice day

@RhymingRabbit3 no as above my uncle would be the driver and won't come without mum

Sorry, I cross-posted with you

She's made her choice. Her loss. I can see why you feel sad though.

Yanbu at all If she feels so guilty will she pay for all the food you've got in or does she expect you to just accept it? I know it's not about the money but it might help her think if she has to acknowledge how she's screwing you over that way.

@RuggerHug yes she offered money straight away. I won't be taking it though

So she does know. That's awful OP, I'm sorry.

Tell her... ‘just to confirm, you are choosing Dad over us, again. We have spent £££ and you are casually cancelling. Good to know where we stand going forward.’ She should feel guilty.

I think I'd want her to contribute to the food you bought because they were all meant to come.

If any of it can be eaten before or after xmas, then perhaps try and use it but not all at one go.

I'd be devastated in your position. I don't know WTF your mum is thinking. In general. Weird. Why bother divorcing him if she's going to spend so much time, voluntarily, with him. I mean seriously WTF you

She has chosen your abusive father over you just like she has always done. She doesn't deserve you my love, and tbh sounds like she doesn't care at all.
I'm so sorry you have been treated the way you have and a saint to have anything at all to do with her at all.

YANBU.
You've tried to accommodate everyone but no-one else seems to care, especially your mum.

@RuggerHug if you knew the level of abuse we suffered at the hands of this man. Honestly I just feel so hurt. She's always been a very loving mother, totally devoted so I just find this totally crazy

yes she offered money straight away. I won't be taking it though

Because taking the money would let her feel she's dealt with the situation okay.

Your mum 'feels sorry' for a lot of people - why doesn't she feel sorry for her daughter being let down like this, in favour of an objectionable old jerk?

I can see why you are hurt but maybe the same reasons that you love her are the same reasons she wants to help your dad (she sounds loving and altruisitic). I'd say focus on not taking it personally and support her in her decision, as long as it does not harm her. Loving people are easily abused as it sounds like has happened here,

What a horrible situation OP .
All you can do is crack with your own family Christmas regardless.
Your mum has made her bed and must now lie in it... she won’t be seeing her daughter and grandchildren this Christmas.
So sad.

This sounds really painful.

Could you call your uncle and address it directly? Explain that you will miss out, your kids will miss out and ultimately, although your father damaged your childhood you would really appreciate your uncle's support in both grandparents being a part of their Christmases? I guess, it's completely understandable that he hates your father but if he can tolerate Sunday dinners every week I don't really understand why he can't stick him in the back seats and whack on a loud Christmas album for two hours to get him to you so you have a great family day that is about love triumphing and not grudges.

We're actually visiting this evening. She's taking my daughter to the panto. I said to her 'mum I'm
Really hurt' she got very defensive saying 'don't you think it's crap for me?' I said 'well you're choosing it. You're choosing dad'. She then said how could I leave someone alone at Christmas that I was being cruel. I told her that someone is an abusive, violent man so not really the same thing. She then backed down and said she's staying because she thinks my brother may come back early from wales and she doesn't want him to be alone. I give up

if you knew the level of abuse we suffered at the hands of this man. Honestly I just feel so hurt. She's always been a very loving mother, totally devoted so I just find this totally crazy

I think you need to take a step back and reassess this. Would a totally devoted mother expose you to someone like that for 12 years? It isn't like she didn't know how he treated you was wrong. She divorced him when you were 5.

Would a totally devoted mother continue to expose you to his presence and expect you to put up with him, when it can't even be said that she is under his thumb financially or practically anymore?

I think your Mum isn't really the person you think she is.

I wonder if your Mum is one of those people who puts on a martyr act for the public but lets her family suffer for it. I've read of people who had horrible abusive parents who were stand up members of the community, always doing things for others because it made them look good, but with little to spare for their family.

YANBU

Your mother sounds like an enabler.
I can’t believe she let your abusive father live in the same house with her children for 7(!!) more years after the divorce. And still she’s putting his needs first. I would be disappointed, angry and would have been the time ever I’d plan to spend Christmas with her.

My mum is the same btw. It makes me furious, those women who let their children down time and time again to fulfill the needs of abusive men.
Now that I have DS I feel even more contempt en disgust for this type of women, then ever before in my life.

Sorry for the vent.

The trouble is though your Mum is your Mum, most of the time it doesn’t matter how they behave you still want them around, to be there and to change. You only have one mum no matter what they are like. Op just wants her mum there at Christmas.