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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my mum chooses my dad

78 replies

girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 16:53

My mum has just called me to say that she's no longer coming to Christmas dinner at our house. We invited her, my sister and brother who both still live at home, my father and my uncle ( her brother) weeks ago and have bought the food in. I'm hurt she isn't going to spend it with me and her grandchildren. Background to this is complex but basically my dad was very abusive and violent throughout my childhood to my mother and to us. She divorced him when I was 5 but out of fear he remained with us for about seven more years . She eventually kicked him out when I was about 12 but he remained 'on the scene'. They still live separate and he spends a lot of months abroad in his home country but when he is here he goes round most weeks for Sunday dinner. I've always found this odd but my mum has a tendency to take in waifs and strays and feel sorry for people and she says she feels sorry for him being alone in a country with no family bothering with him (his fault for terrorising us as kids) She also has her 70 year old brother round for this weekly Sunday dinner as well. To add to the awkwardness of that her brother hates my dad but tolerates him through a Sunday dinner. I don't speak to my dad but I tolerated him last Christmas at my home so that my mum would come for Christmas dinner as she seems to harbour some sort of obligation to have my dad at Christmas. They are not romantically involved in any way although I know it sounds that way. When she rang she said that she couldn't come because my brother has decided to go to wales on his own instead (?!) and my uncle is refusing to have my dad in his car ( only my brother and uncle drive). I asked why she, my uncle and my sister couldn't come and leave my dad and she said she would feel too guilty. I can't believe that my mother is choosing her abusive ex partner that literally nobody else speaks to over her daughter and grandchildren plus the fact we've bought too much food now. I even said we could do dinner at 12 and she could do an evening meal with my dad later but that's been vetoed too. Generally my mum and I are very close, speak on the phone every single day and she visits twice a month ( we live about two hours away). Is it unreasonable to be angry about this?

OP posts:
DoIhavetobejolly · 20/12/2019 22:48

You don't have to work through this all at once. You've been living in this situation all your life, it's going to take time to work it through anyway.

It's very painful when the blinkers start to come off, so to speak. And it takes time. There is even a term for it I believe. People refer to it as 'coming out of the fog'.

I wouldn't even say that you have to cut her off completely. How much contact you have is up to you. What you do eventually have to do is find the level of contact and set of boundaries that you can cope with where you treat yourself with self respect and set a good example for your children.

I think given that you are pregnant, it might be wise to park this for a while and just focus on your own health and your children. Then when you've had your baby and got back on your feet a bit, maybe then is the time to start dealing with this.

aroundtheworldyet · 20/12/2019 22:50

Sadly your mother is still in an extremely abusive relationship

This is so much bigger than Christmas.

Honestly I think you need to talk to a professional therapist, to unpick how all this makes you feel.

On one hand you’re defending her to the hilt, on the other you’re angry with her, and On the other you’re sad, and on the other you can understand her behaviour, and on the other hand you can’t. YOU are deeply confused about all of the behaviour and I’m not surprised.

You need to unravel all of this with help.

Atm. You can’t do anything.

No one, I mean no one, needs to wear flip flops in winter to cloth their children unless they are in a seriously abusive relationship. Which she IS. Sadly. But you must realise this is so complex for you all.
Even if your father died tomorrow your mother will still be in an abusive relationship with him.

Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 22:57

@allthesharks I don't think so. He's not been violent in years. I think there's a combination of things going on actually. I think she also doesn't want to be seen coming to mine having a nice time when my brother has gone on some sort of martyr pilgrimage to wales. He's quite troubled ( probably because of what he's seen) and been suffering with his mental health recently. Writing all this down makes me realise what a mess my family is

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2019 22:59

My mum has always been very devoted and literally walked round in flip flops in winter so we had clothes. In every way she's always tried to make up for things.

Guilt..

however... she's also very devoted to the man that abused all of you ..

Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 23:01

@aroundtheworldyet you're right. I have such mixed emotions and I've struggled with the shadow of this man my whole life. I've begged my mum to cut him off but still here he is making everyone miserable

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 20/12/2019 23:03

Even though your father isn’t violent anymore your mother is still in an abusive relationship with him.

I’m not excusing her btw. But this is all something you need to unravel for yourself. As someone else said. I imagine most of her life and probably adrenaline comes from guilt in some form or another. So the guilt for your brother. Guilt for her ex husband.

You’re probably on the face of it the most normal and the most capable. Therefore in her head you’ll be ok

aroundtheworldyet · 20/12/2019 23:06

Anyway. Get some external help ASAP.
And do what feels right for you this Xmas.

Let others do as they will do not take on the guilt your mother is handing to you like an Olympic flame because she thinks you’re able to deal with it.

Easier said than done though I admit.

itgetshardereveryday · 20/12/2019 23:08

Yanbu, your father sounds awful. I find it really strange that your uncle will have Sunday lunch with, spend Christmas Day with him and yet won't allow him in his car?

Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 23:08

@aroundtheworldyet yes I am the eldest and she does think I'm the most 'together but I've also seen and experienced more of my dad than both my brother and sister. Neither of them harbour the same hatred for our dad because I was the one that took the brunt from him. My sister was a baby when he finally stopped living with us

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 20/12/2019 23:11

YANBU at all. How hurtful your mum chooses your abusive father over her loving family. I'm sorry. She obviously doesn't want to discuss why she is making this choice which is doubly hurtful.

Could you arrange a taxi or uber for your sister? If money is an issue perhaps suggest your mum pay for that? Or would hour uncle consider driving your sister.

Ironically your mother's logic of noone should be alone at Xmas has caused hour uncle and sister to miss out on what sounds a lovely family Christmas.

Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 23:12

@itgetshardereveryday the reason he won't have him in the car is because my uncle is a bit weird. I actually spoke to him about this. He has ocd about his car and won't take more than two passengers. He won't let my dad in the car because he's over 23 stone and he thinks it won't stand the weight. You couldn't make it up could you?!

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 20/12/2019 23:13

She thinks you’re like her. Able to cope. Neither of you are in reality.

Redruby25 · 20/12/2019 23:18

I think it is a little more than choosing ex husband over children. As even in the time where there they were still in a relationship, all those years ago, she will of suffered immensely, and I am in no way saying that you didn't as children, because you should have come first, but it is not as easy as it seems to leave an abusive partner, experience has taught me that. These kinds of men have a way of controlling and having a hold over you, and so that has obviously never gone away with your mother, as sickening as that is and upsetting, I have been in a similar position.
It sounds like your father still has his foot in the door, that she is still entertaining his crap after all those years, if you can't persuade her to come to you for Christmas then you'll just have to let it go, I know that is not easy. What someone said in a previous post, it was something along the lines of being resentful is toxic, that is very true!
Try to maintain a relationship with your mother still, despite this choice, as you sound close and that is nice.

Drum2018 · 20/12/2019 23:22

We invited her, my sister and brother who both still live at home, my father and my uncle

Why had you invited your father for Christmas?

Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 23:26

@Redruby25 I know she suffered. It's not my suffering that makes me hate him so much it's the memories of things he did to her. When you're a child and you have one 'safe' person, your world revolves around them and the biggest fear is that they will not be there. I lived in constant fear that one day he would go too far and she would die or one day he would put us in a car and we'd never see her again. That was my whole childhood. I think I need to stop commenting here because I'm getting myself very upset. Thank you all for your kind words and advice though

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 20/12/2019 23:35

Just get help. Honestly freely talk to someone who can genuinely help and pass no judgement
Sending you Flowers

VenusTiger · 20/12/2019 23:50

She never broke free from him did she OP. She’s still under his abusive spell. That’s the problem.

Redruby25 · 21/12/2019 00:00

Yep I get that 100% it must have been awful for you and it saddens me to think how much you have suffered, I have always said that it is what you see and hear one parent do to the other, that causes so much distress. You have come out of it the other side and still have your mum with you, so that is a positive. And you know what you wouldn't stand for in your own relationships, not sure if you have your own children, but again you can make sure they don't experience the same things.x

BumbleBeee69 · 21/12/2019 00:17

I lived in constant fear that one day he would go too far and she would die or one day he would put us in a car and we'd never see her again. That was my whole childhood

OP I'm so sorry.. this is the saddest thing to read... I'm so so sorry that your life was like this.. Flowers

Countryescape · 21/12/2019 00:57

She’s an enabling co-dependant. My mum is exactly the same. My dad was awful to us growing up, very verbally abusive. They’re still together and Mum still makes excuses for him when he speaks to her and us like shit. “Oh just ignore him”, “that’s just your father” “he does love you” etc etc. she then tries to blame us kids for sticking up for ourselves! I have no respect for her now.

Mary1935 · 21/12/2019 01:15

Your mother is terrible, she’s all the above - she’s full of fear obligation and guilt - she exposed you to violence. He has some control over her.
It’s unhealthy.
Sorry it’s like that for you. Try and enjoy it with your children. She’s a disappointment isn’t she.

diddl · 21/12/2019 08:46

Well good for your brother for trying to get himself sorted out.

Now that your mum has made her position so clear, perhaps you ought to think about pulling back a bit from her?

Tbh I don't know how you can bear to be around either your mum or dad, let alone your kids having to see them.

I would have thought a Christmas without them would be a relief.

Make the most of it!

diddl · 21/12/2019 08:50

"caused hour uncle and sister to miss out on what sounds a lovely family Christmas."

But they could choose to go to Op's but won't.

It's actually quite manipulative of Op's mum.

She must know that they wouldn't go without her.

DonPablo · 21/12/2019 08:51

Ah, op, you've had it tough. Take care of yourself. Flowers

GreenTulips · 21/12/2019 10:35

They probably won’t go without her as they want to stay behind and protect her.

That’s how I’m reading it.

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