Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my mum chooses my dad

78 replies

girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 16:53

My mum has just called me to say that she's no longer coming to Christmas dinner at our house. We invited her, my sister and brother who both still live at home, my father and my uncle ( her brother) weeks ago and have bought the food in. I'm hurt she isn't going to spend it with me and her grandchildren. Background to this is complex but basically my dad was very abusive and violent throughout my childhood to my mother and to us. She divorced him when I was 5 but out of fear he remained with us for about seven more years . She eventually kicked him out when I was about 12 but he remained 'on the scene'. They still live separate and he spends a lot of months abroad in his home country but when he is here he goes round most weeks for Sunday dinner. I've always found this odd but my mum has a tendency to take in waifs and strays and feel sorry for people and she says she feels sorry for him being alone in a country with no family bothering with him (his fault for terrorising us as kids) She also has her 70 year old brother round for this weekly Sunday dinner as well. To add to the awkwardness of that her brother hates my dad but tolerates him through a Sunday dinner. I don't speak to my dad but I tolerated him last Christmas at my home so that my mum would come for Christmas dinner as she seems to harbour some sort of obligation to have my dad at Christmas. They are not romantically involved in any way although I know it sounds that way. When she rang she said that she couldn't come because my brother has decided to go to wales on his own instead (?!) and my uncle is refusing to have my dad in his car ( only my brother and uncle drive). I asked why she, my uncle and my sister couldn't come and leave my dad and she said she would feel too guilty. I can't believe that my mother is choosing her abusive ex partner that literally nobody else speaks to over her daughter and grandchildren plus the fact we've bought too much food now. I even said we could do dinner at 12 and she could do an evening meal with my dad later but that's been vetoed too. Generally my mum and I are very close, speak on the phone every single day and she visits twice a month ( we live about two hours away). Is it unreasonable to be angry about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 17:40

@DoIhavetobejolly I know what you mean but there was a context to her keeping him around. I admit she made the wrong decision but I do get why. Basically when she divorced him he disappeared abroad only to break into our home one night, restrain my mother and take my brother. He had a false passport made for my brother and said she would never see him again unless she let him come back. Not a story she told me. I remember it happening. He basically threatened his way back into our lives. My grandfather and grandmother were both very elderly and sick and mum was their carer. It was a bad time

OP posts:
MalarkeyMouse · 20/12/2019 17:45

YANBU. Very hurtful.

ISmellBabies · 20/12/2019 17:53

Wow, and yet she's still choosing him over you for Christmas! And apart from a very mild complaint about it, you're absolutely letting her with no consequences to your relationship whatsoever. You are turning into your mum. He abused her, she lets him walk all over her. She treats you hurtfully, you let her walk all over you. If that was me I'd say you've made your choice, I'm hurt, I'm distancing myself, get to fuck. You're saying "I'm hurt, but carry on as you are"!

PicsInRed · 20/12/2019 18:01

She seems to be triangulating (google it and see what you think).

Think - why don't you just telephone your uncle and sister and invite them directly? What's stopping you? Why not directly ask your brother his plans? Stop allowing your mother control the family by being the central point through which all information travels (and becomes distorted).

Re: you father kidnapping your brother, he's hardly been in a position to even attempt this for approximately 15 to 20 years. Your Mum enjoys playing the martyr and is probably intentionally punishing you now for having the temerity to enjoy a nice life.

Sewrainbow · 20/12/2019 18:04

Yanbu to feel so hurt - I guess she just hasn't been able to escape his control of her. I doubt she ever will until he is dead.

So sorry for you and your family Sad

Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 18:08

@PicsInRed I have but they won't come without my mum. They're all very close to her. You're right in a way she is literally the centre of everything. Everyone relies on her probably why she's still got them all living at home

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 20/12/2019 18:15

I am sorry but in your position I would be letting your mum know that this isn't acceptable behaviour and you wont be sering her much going forward.

What a shocking way to trear your children. I cannot imagine many grandparents choosing an abusive partner over their grandchildren. Complete madness and YANBU in the slightest.

GreenTulips · 20/12/2019 18:26

Where does he stay when he comes?
He must have people in the other country he could spend Christmas with.

I’m afraid I’d have to tell her I’m no longer interested in seeing her. I’d have stopped seeing her for less. He choice.

1FootInTheRave · 20/12/2019 18:27

Your mum is a dick head.

category12 · 20/12/2019 18:31

Your mum is basically still in an abusive relationship with this man, and probably always will be.

Yanbu to be upset and angry, but she's hooked. it is what it is.

misspiggy19 · 20/12/2019 18:31

She has chosen your abusive father over you just like she has always done. She doesn't deserve you my love, and tbh sounds like she doesn't care at all.

^This. I would going low contact with her from now on

DishingOutDone · 20/12/2019 18:34

This thread could go on till Christmas, but @category12 has summed it up Your mum is basically still in an abusive relationship with this man, and probably always will be

So sorry OP, she chose him over you again. Have you had a look on the "stately homes" thread?

CBGBs · 20/12/2019 19:09

My mum is like this. I think she’s not so much a people-pleaser but a man-pleaser. She has thrown me under the bus first to appease my abusive father, then the man she got together with afterwards. Both have treated me terribly.
I think it is from her childhood and her own cold father, she is compelled to latch onto an abusive man.
What was your mother’s childhood like?

AlrightyyThen · 20/12/2019 19:34

Surely your dad has someone else in the world after all this time. I bet he's choosing to claim loneliness to "keep her to himself" and it's working

YANBU and it's horrible that she seems to care about everyone else hurting except what it's doing to you (because you're so nice about it)

AlrightyyThen · 20/12/2019 19:36

Also he most certainly could've wormed his way back into your lives with horrible threats but she also could have taken you all away where he couldn't abduct your brother etc and got the police involved to keep him away forever. She's chosen to keep him around Sad

BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2019 19:42

Close to door on this sorry excuse of a woman.. she is no Mother, she enabled your abuse..

Cut her off permanently.

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 20/12/2019 19:45

Honestly? Thank your lucky stars that they’re not coming, it sounds horrendous. That said, I do understand why you’re hurt that your mum isn’t coming, however, it sounds like she has issues with DV that run very deep and can’t or won’t untangle her life from your dad’s anytime soon. It’s sad for her and for you.

ElbasAbsentPenis · 20/12/2019 19:53

OP this sounds horrible. Particularly with all the backstory. I’m so sorry you and your siblings went through this. Flowers I think you need to acknowledge that your mother, for whatever reason (trauma, cultural conditioning, codependency, etc) will always prioritise men, or at least be unwilling to do anything to disappoint them, when she doesn’t worry about letting you down because she thinks of you as an extension of herself in some ways. This is how it is with such people, however much they love you. My mum is the same, and it is very hurtful, but I set my expectations lower now, and see less of her and don’t make big plans with her.

diddl · 20/12/2019 20:08

What a messed up situation.

Is your brother really going to Wales alone or just cba with the drama?

So the only other driver won't have your dad in the car & no one will come without your mum.

How fucked up they all are!

Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 22:02

I actually feel quite upset reading these comments. My mum has always been very devoted and literally walked round in flip flops in winter so we had clothes. In every way she's always tried to make up for things. I don't know what to think. I certainly wouldn't do this to my child at Christmas to spend it with such a man. I feel very confused. I could never cut my mum off though

OP posts:
HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 20/12/2019 22:10

FWIW OP I don’t think your mum is a horrible person. I do think though that as she’s been in an abusive relationship/non relationship for such a long time that this situation is her normal.

category12 · 20/12/2019 22:14

FWIW OP I don’t think your mum is a horrible person. I do think though that as she’s been in an abusive relationship/non relationship for such a long time that this situation is her normal.

This ^

She doesn't know how to do anything else.

EmiliaAirheart · 20/12/2019 22:19

I’m sorry that you’re finding these comments hard to read, but I agree with them too.

Of course growing up, you had to protect yourself from the incredible trauma of living with two inadequate parents, by focusing on all that your mother gave you and how she loved you.

I’m not saying she didn’t love you, or that she didn’t make some sacrifices (the shoes). Let’s even try to move past how out of fear, she kept an awful abuser in your childhood for so long. You’re all safe now from your abuser and she continues to prioritise him over you! Can you not see how fucked up that it, and how it sadly means that she can’t be the loving, devoted mother that you wish for her to be?

She’s like a poisoned glass of water. Sure, it’s full of delicious, cool water, but it also has a teaspoon of cyanide. It’s not safe to drink, no matter how refreshing it looks, how thirsty you are or how much good water is in it.

I have dealt with a similar realisation myself. Best of luck coming to terms with the situation.

Original poster
girlygirl98 · 20/12/2019 22:29

@EmiliaAirheart I do see. I can't compute it though. Like the mum I feel like she is wouldn't do this. It doesn't add up in my mind. She's not some handrag. She's a hardworking, intelligent woman. Why can't she see? The thought that my dad has this control over her makes me want to throw up. He's a horrible, repulsive fat old man that frankly I'd be happy never to see again. I don't want to argue with her over Christmas though or give her the cold shoulder but I do need to make her see she's hurt me. My daughter adores her nanna and I'm pregnant. I don't want to be without my mum

OP posts:
allthesharks · 20/12/2019 22:46

Is it possible he's threatened her in some way? Does he still have enough of a hold over her that he can control her and make her do what he wants?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.