Are DS and BIL taking the piss?

[Suchamess123]

My sister and brother-in-law live a chaotic life. Brother-in-law has a very good, highly paid job that takes him away from home a lot (most week nights are spent in hotels), sister works three days a week. They have four children but get a lot of support from grandparents so don't need to pay for childcare. When I say chaotic, their house is an absolute bomb site, they are the most disorganised people. I know with four kids life must be busy. Two eldest are at secondary, youngest two at primary. They live a seven hour drive away from us, that's me, DH and DH's children (my step children).

Every year I've bought birthday and Christmas presents for the children, plus a smaller token gift for DS and BIL. Every year I'm lucky to get a card for birthday, and have occasionally received something at Christmas, I think once in six years have my step children received anything from them.

Fast forward to this year. I've driven the long journey, delivered the gifts and cards. I was given one small gift for DSD, with the rest apparently to follow. I know it never will as this is the standard response.

Do I stop bothering? I'm not exactly well off and the joint expense of the journey plus gifts was around £300. I don't give to receive and worry that the children will wonder why Auntie Suchamess has stopped sending presents, but surely this isn't right?

AIBU?

Wait for the presents not to arrive and then email them saying that you've also decided not to send gifts, as that's what they have decided.

You drove 14 hours to deliver presents? What?

You’re being mugged of.

Why did you spend £300 on presents for them? That seems like a huge amount of money, time and effort when you knew it wouldn't be appreciated

I don’t think their lives sound chaotic, just busy. People have different priorities, you are clearly motivated by the cost of everything, maybe they are not as materialistic? Maybe you should suggest spending time together? If you are happy driving that distance, why not spend quality time with your family? Are they actually close to your stepchildren? My sister has a lovely stepdaughter, but we are not close and we are not family. I know that is not a popular view, but it is very true for a lot of people. Plus it doesn’t really sound like you are that close if you are only delivering stuff.

Definitely do not get anything for SIL and BIL from now on. If you want to keep getting presents for their DC I think that's fine as it's not the kids fault their parents are rude, but given the circumstances it would also be completely reasonable to stop buying for the kids too.

But I don't think you should travel that far and make that much effort when they find it difficult to send you a card! Can you not post the presents in the future if you do decide to keep sending them?

I personally would just send a card for birthdays and a card for the family on Christmas, as this way you're still acknowledging that you are trying to be civil but are also no longer willing to put in effort that is not reciprocated.

Why don’t you send parcels by post? And FaceTime them on Xmas morning. That might make you feel less cross.
As for presents, your gifts are to your nephews & nieces. What you buy them is your call.

Just send Amazon vouchers as a family gift, say £40 for the kids. I think you’re mad driving so far. For what?

Stop sending gifts. Perhaps they would prefer that as it removes the obligation to reciprocate?

Why are you martyring yourself like this? They don't appreciate it. You don't enjoy it. There's nothing in it for you. And you can't afford it.

So why?

Well you could certainly cut the cost of the gifts.

You’ve spent 300 on a family of 6 plus transport. Instead you could sent a 100 amazon voucher electronically for the whole family to share. It’s a nice present and you save 200.

I would send gifts to my nieces and nephews but cheaper ones i.e. £10 budget each and i would send them, unless you have plans to meet anyway this year. My SILs family live a 7 hour drive from us and every year we send them/give them to someone who is going to deliver, except the odd year we're actually spending Christmas together. But this year I've bought a £5 play dough set for my nephew and a £2.50 board game for my niece. Both second hand. It's the thought that counts imo although my niece and nephew are only 3 and 7 so accept you might need to spend s bit more to get something they'd appreciate. But not loads more. Small things are fine.

OP, I think you have chosen to do this. The first year you didn't receive gifts you should have just said "oh you have decided to stop the gift exchange, ok".

End of.
They are busy people and gifts are not a priority.

I can't imagine anyone I would be driving 14 hour round trip to deliver gifts to. 😲

You drove to deliver the presents?! Have you never heard of Royal Mail?!?!

Either stop being the martyr about it and give your gifts gladly, or stop the charade altogether. It's quite simple really.

In the kindest possible way, I think you’re playing the martyr a bit.

You’ve known for at least six years that, at most, they’re going to make minimal effort and, more realistically, no effort at all. You’ve gone to a huge amount of effort, which is lovely, but after so many years, I don’t understand why you’re still surprised that they haven’t done the same. You say that you don’t give to receive, but everything else you’ve written says the exact opposite.

Also, their childcare arrangements and the state of their house is completely irrelevant. Perhaps they don’t feel particularly close to you because they can see you judging how tidy their house is whenever you visit?

Why would you drive 7 hours to deliver gifts?

Was that solely your journey or were you seeing your parents whom I'm presuming live near them?

Then again it's MN it's ALWAYS a 7 hour journey

You seriously drove a 14 hour round trip, just to drop off presents? Crazy!

Just stop!

I voted yanbu to stop, but I was tempted to vote yabu just for doing it the first place!

I think it's important here to know how much of that £300 was presents and how much travel costs?

Why doesn't your husband sort out the gifts (or not) for his family?

Send vouchers or knock it on the head.

I know you don't give to receive but why should some people spend their time, effort and money choosing and buying gifts for others who year after year do not do the same. It's not about what gift you get - anything would suffice, just something that shows that you mean something to them and that they were thinking of you at Christmas. When they don't bother it says to me that they don't care enough (or at all) and that does bother you when it's a continuous thing.
If I was you I'd send your DS/BIL a joint card, no gift... and then a gift card or small gift to the children (not their fault). Send it via courier or delivered straight to them via Amazon etc. and stop wasting your time, effort and money on people who obviously do not feel the same way about you and your family.

'think it's important here to know how much of that £300 was presents and how much travel costs?'

And did you solely just drop off and drive back?

They sound like my DS and BIL .
Totally chaotic lives.
When they giggled that they hadnt got around to getting us anything yet again I stopped.