Are DS and BIL taking the piss?

[Suchamess123]

My sister and brother-in-law live a chaotic life. Brother-in-law has a very good, highly paid job that takes him away from home a lot (most week nights are spent in hotels), sister works three days a week. They have four children but get a lot of support from grandparents so don't need to pay for childcare. When I say chaotic, their house is an absolute bomb site, they are the most disorganised people. I know with four kids life must be busy. Two eldest are at secondary, youngest two at primary. They live a seven hour drive away from us, that's me, DH and DH's children (my step children).

Every year I've bought birthday and Christmas presents for the children, plus a smaller token gift for DS and BIL. Every year I'm lucky to get a card for birthday, and have occasionally received something at Christmas, I think once in six years have my step children received anything from them.

Fast forward to this year. I've driven the long journey, delivered the gifts and cards. I was given one small gift for DSD, with the rest apparently to follow. I know it never will as this is the standard response.

Do I stop bothering? I'm not exactly well off and the joint expense of the journey plus gifts was around £300. I don't give to receive and worry that the children will wonder why Auntie Suchamess has stopped sending presents, but surely this isn't right?

AIBU?

Why would you bother? Why not send them a 'family present' eg a board game or something similar and do it online? Or a gift of cookies or other foodstuff that can be sent, retro sweets?

You drove 14 hours to deliver a few gifts?! Why did you not post them ?

I don't think they're done anything wrong.

If your silly enough to waste your time and money you've got nobody to blame but yourself.

Next year keep the £300 in your pocket.
Put a "note to self" do not buy presents for anymore selfish family members
If you want to make a small gesture to their DCs send them a £10 gift certificate and a card and post it in future then the can put it towards something
Maximum spend £40(Spend the rest on yourself because you deceiver it)!

They don’t have chaotic lives from your description, just busy.

I don’t know anyone who would drive 14 hours to send a few Christmas gifts, that’s utterly nuts. Why don’t you send the children something from amazon and forget the adults? Or just forget them all together, they don’t seem to remember you.

Maybe they can't afford it. I also can't understand why you did that round trip to deliver presents and then complain about th cost, just post them.

I’m not being funny but what mug would drive half way across the country just to deliver gifts they can’t afford to buy and knowing it’s not appreciated and your not getting anything in return ?

Sounds like you’ve been mugged off for years and doesn’t even sound like your DS and BIL are taking you for advantage, sounds like you have been trying hard to please and now realised it’s not worth it.

*flippin autocorrect... deserve it not deceiver it

This is what online shopping is for - order something cheap and cheerful for the whole family and get it delivered in time for Christmas. Driving for 7 hours makes no sense. Stop spending excessively on people who don't appreciate it. Primary school aged kids would probably be perfectly happy with a selection box each.

I presume op drove there to see the n&n, not just deliver the gifts. I’d cut my losses tbh. £10 in a card from now on. You cannot force a relationship.

Oh and nothing for the adults. £40. Job done.

Op YABVVU, to have let this go on for so long. They obviously do not see your dsc as family! I don’t see what you are getting out of the relationship with your (d)s’s family. Treat them as they treat your family and stop buying presents apart from, if you feel you have to, a small gift voucher(£10/£15) for their children which you can send electronically.

Spend the money saved on extra gifts for your dsc, or put towards a break away for them and you and DH.

I will always get my nieces and nephews presents (unless they become i thankful adults).

It’s got nothing to do with my siblings.

It’s not always about forcing a relationship and being unappreciated though.

I hate getting presents for my nieces & nephews who have loads of stuff, who I don’t know well enough, and whom my sister is useless at steering me! So you could say my Pizza Hut voucher is a cop out, and I just don’t care.

Reality is, whilst generous with money and time, I’m just not a wrapped-gift-giver. My sister can call me at 2am over work stress. One year when she was properly skint I bought LOADS of presents and told her to use them for Santa.

We all show love in different ways, and I think OP should be wary of thinking this means they don’t care about HER. They just don’t care about giving presents - probably to anyone.

@Cuteypye I don’t think it’s got anything to do with how the sister feels about the OP’s stepchildren (though I did post before that I wouldn’t bother about non resident stepchildren that I didn’t know, and whose father was a shit to my sister and whose father wasn’t interested in my kids).

OP also doesn’t get birthday cards from them herself. I think they’re just not bothered about gifting, and would probably not notice - and certainly wouldn’t mind if they did notice - if OP stopped, or said she needed to budget.

I wonder if the OP will come back to explain why she makes a 14 hour round trip to deliver presents.

Or why she started a thread saying she doesn't give to receive, when the very subject of that thread is she's pissed off she gave and didn't receive,,

@bluntness100 I don’t think I’ve ever seen the sentence “I don’t give to receive” without a BUT at the end of it - actual or implied

OP said she received one small gift for DSD, with a further one to follow for other DSC, so its not as though she received nothing.

Tbf, I think the “further ones to follow” has proved in the past to just be a line. Quite possibly meant at the time, but experience has shown it won’t happen.

Buy something off amazon and get it delivered straight to their address, some places offer gift wrapping. But if not, it will still be in amazon boxes ...

So in future , pre warn them the KIDS presents are on the way and for them not to be opened.... You can send them in your name so they arent confused with anything they maybe getting delivered

After years of not always getting gifts for birthdays or Christmas, and DS being used as a free baby sitting service for his younger cousins, he now avoids all contact with SIL and her family if possible. It isn't the lack of gift as such, but the lack of thought. Even when he was quite small, sometimes he wouldn't even receive a card. As he got older he noticed I sent presents and cards to arrive on time, and asked why his auntie didn't, he knew she didn't work, I tried telling him she was busy, had other things to think about etc., he saw it as her not caring.
I still send things for her children, but never tell DS he has to visit, even though DH gets miffed about it.
If I had it in me I wouldn't bother with the presents, but it's not her children's fault their mother is rubbish

Why are your 2 options either spend £300 or spend £0?

I would always buy gifts for my nieces and nephews whilst they are children and this thread has shown ways in which you can do that without any travelling or expense.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen the sentence “I don’t give to receive” without a BUT at the end of it - actual or implied

No neither have I. I was literally thinking that.

People should just own it. Say look I give to receive, I'm fucked off that I did and didn't get anything back,

It's like posting and saying " I'm a really healthy eater, I never eat junk. Anyway, I eat six donuts and three Lindt bars every day after my fry up"

I wouldn't do this. It's madness! My DBs live only 3 hours away and I send them family hampers for Christmas. I select the contents so they include stuff I know each person will like.