Are DS and BIL taking the piss?

[Suchamess123]

My sister and brother-in-law live a chaotic life. Brother-in-law has a very good, highly paid job that takes him away from home a lot (most week nights are spent in hotels), sister works three days a week. They have four children but get a lot of support from grandparents so don't need to pay for childcare. When I say chaotic, their house is an absolute bomb site, they are the most disorganised people. I know with four kids life must be busy. Two eldest are at secondary, youngest two at primary. They live a seven hour drive away from us, that's me, DH and DH's children (my step children).

Every year I've bought birthday and Christmas presents for the children, plus a smaller token gift for DS and BIL. Every year I'm lucky to get a card for birthday, and have occasionally received something at Christmas, I think once in six years have my step children received anything from them.

Fast forward to this year. I've driven the long journey, delivered the gifts and cards. I was given one small gift for DSD, with the rest apparently to follow. I know it never will as this is the standard response.

Do I stop bothering? I'm not exactly well off and the joint expense of the journey plus gifts was around £300. I don't give to receive and worry that the children will wonder why Auntie Suchamess has stopped sending presents, but surely this isn't right?

AIBU?

You obviously don’t like the situation do change it.
What is your relationship like with your ds and your nephews/nieces?
There’s no point if you don’t have much of a relationship with them and you’re just trying to overcompensate with gifts.
If you have a good relationship with them, then even small gifts are fine.

I think it’s OPs family not her in laws.

But Yabu to drive so far! Why not send them? And to spend so much. Just stop it!

I think OP Is engaging in a masochistic piss take

Hi Sis,

I've finally seen sense and you are absolutely right. All that Christmas gift giving is overrated. So I will not be doing it any more.

Thamks for being such a good role model
Lots of love
Big Sis

Pretty much the same situation at Chez Sponge. DD is DS's only niece, and a birthday present hasn't arrived, or been referred to. Crimbo will be the same. We didn't get anything last year, as they were moving and had apparently packed all that stuff up. Stuff apparently still in container, as they haven't moved, and nothing will appear this year. Meanwhile she expects an Opium coffret, and complains if BIL doesn't get enough.... Cue DM telling me a long winded and very dull story this morning about DS's dog running off with a fancy M & S cheesecake. So, despite pleading poverty, this, and a number of other examples of buying stuff that I don't, and would consider very extravagant. I'm going to stop being a mug. Looooong back story about DSIS being the golden child, and me, despite being conventially more successful and sensible, being the black sheep I call them out on their shiz, but obviously not quite enough Any of this sound familiar?

What tends to happen is you stop giving and then they complain, where are the gifts we always get?

Stop giving presents, stop giving of your time.

All this busy shit is just that, it is about priorities, people make them all day every day, gift buying for your family isn't on their list.

Instead use that money to spend on your own family.

You know Amazon can deliver gifts, right?

And ye olde fangled postal service.

Why on earth would you spend 14 hours driving to deliver gifts to this bunch?

Wise up. And take a step back. You could even just send the kids book tokens.

I think YABU for continuing to give gifts and do a very long round trip to deliver them. Personally I'd send a gift for the family (say a board game or Christmas Bouquet or family chocolates) and get the delivery company to get it to them. Alternatively leave the parents out of it and give the children an Amazon gift voucher. Job done.

I have a similar situation with my sister and BIL. They are just generally very chaotic and disorganised people and not just in relation to Christmas. It did used to hurt my feelings as although I know you don't give to receive, to me when I give a gift it's like saying 'I care about you and I thought this would make you smile' and it felt like 'well I'm not bothered about you' in return.

However I know that really she's like this about everything in her life and she does this with everyone in the family so it's not personal. I buy my nephews gifts but I only get my sister and BIL a token gift. I don't expect to get anything in return and so when I do it's a nice surprise!

I would scale back the effort you're making, and I definitely wouldn't be making that long drive!

Two ways I looked at this:

1. Some people just aren’t into gift giving. That’s me. My sister sends a Xmas present without fail for my one child. Usually something she wouldn’t want. I don’t want to do the same for her FIVE - I don’t know what they like and haven’t got already. I’ve given up asking as I get “oh, anything, you always choose so well”. I have told her not to bother for my child, but doing it is her thing. (I treat them a lot on the year, I don’t think she feels like a mug)

1. These aren’t your kids. They don’t even live with you. Your sister lives nowhere near you, so I’m guessing has zero relationship with these children? I’m a stepmother btw, so I’m all for blended families. But it’s MY choice to make my stepchildren part of my family. None of my family send gifts for my stepsons - although they are older. On top of that, from your other thread your husband is horrible. How much of that do they know? Or if you haven’t said anything, might they have their own conclusions? They could be thinking “I have zero interesting in buying for a child I don’t know, who doesn’t live with my sister, who is the child of a twat that I wish my sister had never married.”

I think that non resident stepchildren that you’re not close to is a push for people who do gift - and they’re never going to be a priority for those who don’t gift.

You said on your other thread that your husband isn’t bothered about presents for YOUR niece and nephew. So why is your DS getting your ire for not caring about his kids?

It’s the same flow of relationships, just in reverse:
Step - you - your family
Your family - you - step

I’m not sure what the state of their house has to do with it as your gripe is that they don’t reciprocate your spending/gift giving. Common sense says their time and money needs to stretch a lot further with 4 dc so that’s likely to be part of it.

As I’ve just posted on a similar thread it would be so much better if people who don’t want to get into the expense, time and effort of exchanging Christmas gifts would just say so but based on many MN threads it seems lots of people are really uncomfortable with having a direct conversation like that and instead hope people take a hint. It’s time to take a hint - they don’t want to do this or at least not to the extent/effort that you like. You could stop but if you don’t want to then at least follow some of the suggestions from pps. Nobody is forcing you to spend that amount or do all that traveling and to do it resentfully is a bit martyr-ish,

One of my brothers is crap at remembering birthdays and very random with Christmas gifts and it was pissing me off more every time I sent something thoughtful for him, his wife and her kids and they’d forget my husband’s birthday or “left the presents at home” so I told him we’d stop doing birthdays and left it up to him about Christmas. He’s the way he’s always been and I couldn’t wish him into being as I wanted him to be so I took responsibility for my own feelings and just said stop.

I would be tempted to stop bothering to be honest. However, if you decide that's not right, you have to accept you're not going to get anything/much back. As said, if you don't want the kids to miss out, then vouchers would be a good option.

The value of your presents shouldn't come into it, ie we all have different amounts we're comfortable with spending, but I think it's the fact they don't bother with your family.

I remember reading a previous thread of yours where you had £6,000 saved in your personal bank account so I don't understand the comment about not being well off? That sounds like you can easily afford it to me.

14 hour round trip to deliver presents???

Ok take it from me, stop this madness now. I got into a similar situation SIL and BIL had 5 kids, we had to get them all presents because Fammmmmily (we rarely got anything in return) and then as the kids got older they started meeting partners and having kids, we were still expected to buy them all presents.

In the end (and far too late!) I put my foot down and told DH I wasn’t buying presents for 17 people, most of whom I’d never met. He grudgingly agreed, and guess what? It’s never been mentioned, I don’t even think they noticed.

Just start sending them a family voucher for something now and then phase it out in a couple of years.

£6000 carefully saved when you have a low income, a financially abusive husband demanding a share of it, and your housing entirely dependent on said abusive husband is not what I would call well off. And if I got wind of any of that - I wouldn’t be sending his kids presents either 🤷🏻‍♀️

They are not taking the liss, you are letting them.

Why martyr yourself?

You should have stopped gift exchange the first time that they were not bothered.

Why would you drive for seven hours just to deliver presents? Do you also spend some time with DS and BIL which you enjoy? As you have step children, does DS not see them as 'yours' and deserving of gifts in the way that hers (presumably) are? I'd speak to her about it, if you feel that your circumstances are such that your step children should be on an equal footing with her children.

You drive 7 hours to drop off presents?! I would just end it. Send a lovely card to the family and wish them well. Gifts are not needed at all.

They don't sound chaotic. Their lives sound very well organised so they can have 4 kids, both work, and get all the help they need with childcare. The state of their house is how they choose to live and immaterial to the issue. I don't see how they're taking the piss if you choose to drive all that way just to drop of presents that could be posted. Would you rather they refused the gifts? Course you'd rather they were like you and spent £300 and 14 hours on the endeavour but they've clearly signalled it's never going to happen so they're letting you get on with it because it's something you want to do. If you don't want to, stop doing it. I don't know anyone who wouldn't just post the pressies in this situation. Unless there is more to it and you're actually going because you want to visit them, which is again, up to you. If you're resenting it, stop. You can only change your own behaviour.

Surely the driving is to spend some time with them?

I'd send a £10 voucher each and be done with it.

Just send a Christmas card next year. If they ask where presents are, just say oh we can sort of you’re planning to come down and do present exchange.

YANBU. I would just send cards from now on.

They’re taking advantage of your generosity, don’t let then continue to get away with it.

More fool you is all I can say.

You are being ridiculous to put yourself to so much trouble when it’s clearly not appreciated by them. It’s bordering on martyrdom. Next year use Amazon or some other home shopping service to deliver one reasonably priced ‘family’ gift like a board game or big tin of biscuits. The kids will enjoy it and know Aunty hasn’t forgotten them and you will save yourself time, money and hurt feelings.

And I don’t see how the state of the house is important. As long as it’s clean enough that no-one is getting food poisoning, anything else is a lifestyle choice.