Are DS and BIL taking the piss?

[Suchamess123]

My sister and brother-in-law live a chaotic life. Brother-in-law has a very good, highly paid job that takes him away from home a lot (most week nights are spent in hotels), sister works three days a week. They have four children but get a lot of support from grandparents so don't need to pay for childcare. When I say chaotic, their house is an absolute bomb site, they are the most disorganised people. I know with four kids life must be busy. Two eldest are at secondary, youngest two at primary. They live a seven hour drive away from us, that's me, DH and DH's children (my step children).

Every year I've bought birthday and Christmas presents for the children, plus a smaller token gift for DS and BIL. Every year I'm lucky to get a card for birthday, and have occasionally received something at Christmas, I think once in six years have my step children received anything from them.

Fast forward to this year. I've driven the long journey, delivered the gifts and cards. I was given one small gift for DSD, with the rest apparently to follow. I know it never will as this is the standard response.

Do I stop bothering? I'm not exactly well off and the joint expense of the journey plus gifts was around £300. I don't give to receive and worry that the children will wonder why Auntie Suchamess has stopped sending presents, but surely this isn't right?

AIBU?

Most people give to receive or because they have received.
It doesn’t have to be material goods, it could be time, help, affection or love.
If you’re getting nothing at all from someone while you’re giving something, then something is definitely off balance.

Why. Just why?

You drove 14 hours to give presents to people?????

There is a marvellous new invention called "Post" not sure I dare mention the internet

I'm sorry I haven't been here to respond all day, I've been at work. I've read some of the responses but can see some are just antagonistic and bordering on rude. Thanks to everyone who bothered to respond with helpful comments.

Just to clarify, I didn't drive 14 hours just to see DS and BIL, I have other family and they were part of the trip.

The posters who commented they aren't chaotic just busy have seriously not met my sister. I don't care as I don't live there but her house is filthy. She has a cleaner for two hours a fortnight, seriously she can't even scratch the surface. They can afford gifts and a cleaner, they have loads of money!

The presents weren't £300, that cost included my fuel to get there which was about £150 (£75 each way for a full tank).

If I purely gave to receive I'd have stopped years ago. I give to my nieces and nephews because I love them and want them to have a gift from me. I wouldn't care what their parents reciprocated with, even just a card, it is the lack of bothering that bothers me.

Anyway I expect I'll get much more flaming now from posters who just love an argument.

Have you answered your own question then?
You want to give to their children. So do. Regardless of what comes back.
Are you right to be disappointed that they don’t care about gifting? Yes - but it doesn’t make them really bad, so let it go.
Would it be wrong to scale back the spending, either because of the non reciprocation or simply because it’s too expensive for you? No.

14 hours?

Thats the length of England (literally, we live in northumberland and holiday in devon and that approx. how long it takes). It would have been cheaper and easier to post it.

As for your 'dilemma'... they just aren't that into you, there's nothing worse than needy/clingy family or friends. I would understand your hurt if this was the first time but you have dealt with it for years so you are CHOOSING to put yourself through it when clearly they dont want the obligation. Sometime you have to pay attention to what people are telling you through their actions.

@JaJoJe

Please read the original post properly, 7 hours each way! If it takes you 14 hours to get from Northumberland to Devon you're going the wrong way.

Sometimes posters just post to be nasty, but thanks anyway.

did you just go one way and never come back then???

if you went 7 hours one way you had to go 7 hours the other.

7+7=14 its basic maths

Don't be stupid JaJoJe, you're making yourself look a tit.

Not sure if anyone else has suggested this but can you ring and say you're concerned that their parcel containing the 'gifts to follow' hasn't arrived and you hope they sent it recorded delivery and see what gets said.
I'd be inclined to scale back on the presents to the children and not bother at all with the adults. I wouldn't be making a special trip so unless you're in the area, go for things that can be posted.

So what they earn, work and the state of the house is all completely irrelevant.

Your point is you buy them presents and receive nothing back and should you continue.

My sister and I have the same dilemma with our brother.
He never buys us or our children anything. However we have decided it’s not their children’s fault they have twatish parents so will continue to buy presents at Christmas and birthdays for our nieces.

Growing up all my Aunties and Uncles have always acknowledged by birthday and me at Christmas (until I had my own child and then started buying for him) however my parents have NEVER bought for any of my cousins so basically my parents were the twats growing up and I’m so thankful my aunties and uncles never took it out on us kids.

HTH

Yeah- stop getting them stuff. Of course you dont give to receive but if you are consistently making the effort and they make none then of course its going to make you feel a bit crap. The only way to stop feeling crap about this scenario is to stop giving them stuff and I certainly would not drive all that way. End it now.
If anyone says anything (which I doubt they will) I would just simply say, "oh- I thought we weren't doing gifts any more". Thats a way to end it politely but also make it blatantly clear the effort is one sided.

So you were visiting other family whilst there and yet you’ve attributed all the cost of the fuel (£150) to the £300 spent on your sister? If so, then £300 is an exaggeration surely?

I haven't attributed the full cost to my sister. It's not an accounting procedure! I've just said the cost of the presents approx £150 plus the cost of travelling to see her (and other family members) another £150.

Thanks to everyone for their helpful replies. I can see that I need to give this some thought and the joint gift, i.e. board game for next year is definitely something to think about.

The intricacies of how long it takes to travel and how much everything costs and how its split is quite immaterial to the fundamental issue.

It's interesting how many people out there enjoy just being a bitch though and posting nasty stuff for the sake of it with no apparent thought for the receiver of these comments. I'm thinking about the comment 'she's just not into you' when I say this.

People aren't being nasty. You said:

Fast forward to this year. I've driven the long journey, delivered the gifts and cards.

No mention of making the journey anyway as you were visiting other family. If you were making the journey anyway then there is no need to mention that you drove 7 hours each way. You implied that you drove all that way specifically to deliver the gifts/cards.

The intricacies of how long it takes to travel and how much everything costs and how its split is quite immaterial to the fundamental issue. So why bloody mention it then?

the joint expense of the journey plus gifts was around £300.
See above. No it wasn't. You have now said that you were going to make the journey anyway for other reasons.

My family only give gifts to the children. It saves so much money, time and stress.

Anyway, we cap it at roughly £15 per child.

So, I would continue to give to your nieces and nephews but reduce how much you spend.

Why mention it cost you £300 and was a 7 hour journey there and back if it is “quite immaterial?” You’re back-tracking.

I think you just wanted everybody to agree with you regardless, and are blaming others as you’re not getting that.

Can you not just send DC some tokens or light clothes (PJS Sweaters) whatever .Surely thats what the post is for? No one goes on a 7 hour drive each way surely!

The intricacies of how long it takes to travel and how much everything costs and how its split is quite immaterial to the fundamental issue

What is the fundamental issue?
Their house is a mess? Does that affect you?

I wouldn't say they are taking the piss. From your post it seems they haven't asked you for any of this. You willingly do it. I'm not a big present giver. I have 4 children. Christmas is about them. I spend long enough at Christmas deciding on and sourcing presents for them. I have asked siblings to stop buying your my children. I have asked friends to stop buying for them. 1 because it costs a lot to reciprocate all these gifts to all the children of my siblings, friends etc and 2 I haven't time to go out and pick out meaningful gifts for all these extra children.

So I agreed with everyone that we don't do it anymore. As children we didn't receive presents from aunties and uncles. Santa brought loads of stuff and that was that.

My life might be "chaotic" to some. It is extremely busy with 4 children in various clubs and groups. But my chaotic life doesn't impact on anyone but me and my husband.

Your sister's chaotic life is nothing to do with you. If you are annoyed that gifts aren't reciprocated then come to an agreement that you won't buy gifts for each other from now on. She'll be relieved. Of you're visiting other family anyway and calling in on her too, then that's hardly her taking the piss?

Her life isn't your issue. It doesn't affect you, and it shouldn't impact on you if you're 7 hours away and she's not constantly on the phone to you looking for things.

Live and let live. You'll be happier.