To want to be told I’m a good mum

[Hoolahlah66]

Long post disclaimer But I don’t want to drip feed!!
DC is 4 months old and it’s been a tough road. Just to give some background, When I was pregnant I had to leave my job due to discrimination from my employer and received hush money to leave or face the prospect of tribunal. It was a really tough few months sorting that out and whilst in the middle of my pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, DH was very supportive and attended meetings with me etc and is very practical in that sense but didn’t really offer much emotional support or just check in with me etc. Just for context I received about 2/3 a years salary.

Fast forward to the birth which was also fairly traumatic, I won’t go into details but I nearly died as a result With a substantial recovery time. I don’t buy into this push present thing but I was half expecting a card from DH with a nice message or even for him to tell me how proud he was and thankful for bringing his child into the world etc (perhaps I’ve watched too many romcoms) I think I got a “well done baby you did amazingly”. But when DH spoke to other people about the birth he would say it was really traumatic but not say anything like DW was incredible so brave etc etc. It was more like “we” went through it and he was part hero for living through it. DC is perfect but has had a number of issues which has meant he is a very unsettled baby and wakes maybe 3-4 times a night And cries a lot during the day - he is hard work as a lot of babies are I guess. Being EBF the nights have always been down to me, even when I was recovering from surgery my DH occasionally woke up but didn’t get up to help other than to say “can I help” but promptly falls back to sleep. He works full time and now he just doesn’t get up at all, even when no feeding is required. Fair enough? I don’t really know what other couples do at night when DP works etc.

I “celebrated” my birthday during my pregnancy which was about a month after I settled with my employer. We discussed it and I felt a bit railroaded into saying to DH don’t worry about a present or anything As we need to make my money last as long as possible so don’t worry (probably secretly hoping he would ignore me and get me something inexpensive but meaningful or to say how proud of me he was for getting through a tough time etc). He stuck to his word and got me a card with a generic message, not even a fucking cake..
When DH has his birthday a month or so later, I bought him a few bits including a silly mug with daddy on it etc.

Anyway, to my point. I decided in order to make my money go further so we didn’t have to worry about childcare costs or me going back to work quickly As the money I had is depleting due to me buying all of the baby bits, Christmas presents for family and so on, that I would start an evening job which is Monday to Friday. Its quite physically demanding and I’m finding it tough but needs must right? I started this job when DC was 12 weeks old. So basically my day is:

Wake up 3-4 times a night
Get up about 7am with baby
Do housework and look after needy baby who doesn’t nap!
Walk the dog
Get ready for work
Feed DC before work
DH comes home at 5 I leave for work at 5.15
Work
Come home and feed DC immediately due to being EBF
Eat dinner (normally my first meal of the day) at 9.30pm (we take turns to cook)
Put DC to bed
Repeat

My husband and I said we aren’t doing presents this Christmas due to money concerns, but me being me I have bought him something little to open so the day isn’t totally miserable. I doubt he has done the same.. although hoping he feels some guilt about the birthday situation and gets me a bloody mug or something.

I know I am making this sound like it’s all about gifts but I guess I’m just trying to say I need him to offer me a gesture of some sort. I am happy to do what i am doing although it is killing me, I don’t really moan I just get on with it. I look like shit all the time, I feel like shit all the time and whilst I understand he is having to walk through the door and look after DC on his own after a hard day at work, he hasn’t got to get up at night, he gets a lunch break, he has a precious 30 minute commute in peace and quiet.

I am now at the point of dropping hints and fishing for compliments as I feel so down about myself, how I look physically, the fact I have lost my career and have to start from scratch. AIBU to want him to show more emotional support and tell me how amazing I am. Or am I not amazing and are we just in this together ? He does do a fair amount around the house and isn’t a lazy arse. Is this what being a parent is like and I’ve just watched too many films where the woman is put on some kind of pedestal, or perhaps read too many shitty annoying “mums are amazing like and share if you agree” Facebook posts, that have sunk into my brain via osmosis. Am I being shallow, should I just pat myself on the back for surviving and feel eternally grateful for my (fairly) happy healthy DC and need nothing else. I just feel like DH has emotionally checked out. And I want a fucking worlds best mummy mug!!!

Oh my god that was an essay...so sorry

You sound like a bloody trooper. But do you think he's deliberately lazy/ can't be arsed to buy you presents or is he just taking you at face value when you say 'let's not do presents'?

First of all you’re doing amazing! Being back to work at 12 weeks and having to start over isn’t easy. But what kind of job do you leave at 5:15 and back before 9:30? How close is it? And how does you EBF deal with it?

Second, I get it with the presents. When I was on maternity leave my (usually very romantic and thoughtful) partner got me nothing but a crappy card apologising for how crappy my birthday was. This was 3 months after my son was born and I cried, and I am still upset about it now. But talk to him about the present making you upset and for future reference just say what you mean especially with presents. don’t hope for something nice after you say no presents you’re setting yourself up to fail and more importantly you will not get anything. Sorry for being harsh.

I am so sorry you’ve gone through all that, it’s hard being a new parent and you certainly didn’t have the best start to it either. But you’re here now and I bet you’re doing amazing. You’ve put your kid first and that alone makes you a good mum. Now go fish for those compliments and enjoy your little one.

I think telling him you don’t want a present obviously isn’t working as you clearly do want something, even it’s just a gesture so maybe try saying “let’s not go overboard on presents, shall we set a limit of £20 each”, or perhaps “I don’t want a big present, but I would really like a beautiful bunch of flowers (or whatever else would suit)”.

I completely empathise with your frustration about it all, but you don’t have a leg to stand on whilst telling him one thing and expecting something completely different.

You always need to talk to him about doing some of the night waking if it isn’t all bf-specific wake ups. Could he agree to get up on the weekend nights and triage what baby needs, if it’s not breast then he sorts it himself?

YABU

Stop hinting and tell him.

*also

My god I have so many questions about your work. But please try to eat as well. You need it especially if breastfeeding. God knows I ate 24/7 when I breastfed mine.

Honestly - you sound a bit of a martyr. ‘Me being me’ ‘needs must’

If you want presents, just say so. If you want him to help at night just say so. Seems like you want him to read your mind and in some cases are telling him to do the opposite of what you want. Why are you not eating all day? Put baby in a sling and have stuff in the fridge you can grab.

It’s tough having to take an evening job but he is also working a full day then looking after the baby in the evening. Don’t get stuck in the ‘who has it worse’ race to the bottom - sounds like you need to both communicate and support each other more

Also it can be annoying when someone goes back on a present agreement. During my first mat leave my DH and I agreed on a £10 limit, which I stuck to. He then presented me with earrings which had clearly cost a lot more. So I felt like a tight git for having done what we agreed!

You are all totally right I am basically falling into that stereotype of wife who doesn’t say what she really means. I guess that generally DH is pretty good with a lot and does his fair share of household stuff, So I didn’t want to nag him or bring up all the times he has neglected to be thoughtful as I really believe he thinks we are 50/50 with everything and he perhaps doesn’t need to. We make a good practical partnership in lots of ways with day to day stuff but guess maybe the appreciation for each other has gone. Although I like to think I give him support and encouragement as I know how it feels to not get that I make a conscious effort to do so.

The job is about 10 minutes away and it’s cleaning a school.

You sound like you've been through the works OP and for what it's worth I think it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job. Having a small baby can be thankless and I also sometimes want my DH to acknowledge that and be appreciative so I do empathise. There's lots of hinting mentioned in your OP, and it doesn't sound like it's getting you anywhere. Why not be a bit more up front and say "listen, this is what I want", explain you feel undervalued and would like to hear a bit more gratitude. The "who's more tired" game is pointless and has no winners, you'll both just end up resenting each other so don't get into it!

Cross post OP!

Yabu for not telling him what you want and just agreing to plans. Yanbu for feeling the way you do.

You are a hero for doing what you are doing every day. But you both have to look after you so baby can be healthy. Tell him how you're feeling so it doesn't slide further into issues. Sending love and hugs.

First, I'm sorry you had so much trouble during your pregnancy and birth, that sounds awful.

It's sort of hard to tell from your post, but it sounds like you set expectations but then don't actually stick to them. Like you said you didn't want a birthday present, but you actually did. You said not to do Christmas presents, but then you bought him something anyway. If I was your husband, I'd be quite confused by that. Maybe you need to be more direct in communicating what you want. You can't just 'secretly hope' that people will do what you want, you have to actually tell them. As an example, we live abroad and most of the cake shops are horrible and I really hate their cakes. For a few years, my husband would always buy me cakes from there and I just put up with it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but eventually I told him that I much prefer if he gets an ice cream cake instead. Now he does that instead. Everyone's happy.

I wouldn't expect a card or a present for giving birth and I'd be kind of confused if my husband got me either tbh, but that is me. If you want that kind of thing, again, you need to communicate that. Dropping hints and fishing for compliments is not a healthy communication style and it only leads to confusion and resentment on both parts. He is your husband! He's not some random stranger. You should be able to tell him directly how you feel.

As for the other stuff, yes, he should be getting up and helping with the baby and he definitely needs to step up on that. Obviously you need to do the feeding (although if EBF isn't working out, you can think about expressing for your husband to feed the baby from a bottle too) but then your husband should be getting up the other times to change the baby or comfort it or whatever needs doing. Yes, he is working full time and he'll be knackered, but that is life with a baby.

Why are you not eating until 9.30PM? That is crazy, especially since you are breastfeeding. Starving yourself is not going to help your mood at all. You need to buy some quick, easy things to cook and eat, even if they're not the most nutritious. Buy a bunch of fruit and yoghurt and make a smoothie. What does your husband do for breakfast/lunch? Can you ask him to sort you something out too?

If you need more emotional support from him, you need to tell him that. It doesn't come naturally to everyone.

Is therapy an option for you both so you can work on communicating better?

Overall, I think most of this is a communication issue and a case of you not telling your husband clearly what you want/need. I'm confused by some things you said even. eg you said he'll probably get you a 'bloody mug' then you say you want a 'world's best mummy mug'. And then you also bought him a mug? So do you want a mug or not? Is that a good present to you or not? It sounds like whatever he does, it's not quite what you want.

I am aware perhaps my OP made me sound like a martyr - not my intention. The reason I said things like needs must is because I hate complaining about life. My decision to have a baby, and it’s hard but the working and all of that detracts from the purpose of my OP about feeling a bit neglected. I know so many people who just moan about how hard it is to have a baby or kids and never say anything positive and I just don’t want to come across like that.

To answer a couple of points:

• I can’t express, not sure why but I get maybe 20ml if I’m lucky which is annoying.
• regarding DH birthday, we didn’t have the same discussion as with my birthday. He actually said “ if you would like to get me something I would like this thing for my hobby but it’s £80 so will give you half the money towards it” I got the thing along with the mug.
• the mug my attempt at humour, it’s could be a key ring or a mousemat or a T-shirt with worlds best mum. The point I was trying to make I’m is it’s the gesture I guess.

Anyway, perhaps I over emphasised the presents. I don’t want presents. What I am trying to express is throughout what has been a shitty but equally amazing year, I’ve always put thought into Making my husband feel cherished and a little spoilt. I wrote him a letter thanking him for all the meetings he came to and for asking all of the questions I didn’t and just being there for me ( I couldn’t really talk about it all as it upset me so much hence the letter). I always say things like “isn’t your daddy amazing” to DC when playing etc and he is in the room with us. I also tell him to his face.

Without getting bogged down with the specifics you can see where I’m coming from?

Oh and the eating thing, I do eat during the day but it will be like fruit/ snacks etc whatever I can grab really 9.30 is my only proper meal. Life just seems a bit chaotic to be prepping meals

It sounds like you have had a rough start and are doing amazingly OP.
BUT
You need to communicate openly and honestly about what you need from your husband. You seem to be projecting what you need onto him. Have you heard of the 5 love languages? You two may have different love languages - Does he need the constant reassurance in that form? TBH, I would feel a little suffocated if my partner was always telling me I was amazing just for playing with our child.
Your husband can’t be responsive to your needs if he’s not clear in what they are.

I think you need to sit down and explain how you feel. I do this every now and again with DP when I think it's really obvious why I'm upset or what I'm hinting at, but often he's completely oblivious. I try and frame it like it's a problem we can solve together so it's not too accusatory, try and identify any bits where I'm being a bit unreasonable and be upfront about that and just be really, really honest. He might have some things to bring up too, but we've got to the point now where it doesn't descend into a "yeah, well you do this!" argument, just a constructive discussion where we both get to know each other better. God that sounds a bit wank but it's true!

I've had issues around the same things before, like my first Mother's Day present which was obviously a Moonpig last minute order of a pot plant (just one more bloody thing to look after with a 4 week old!) which arrived on the day so didn't even get a cup of tea and present in bed. I also had a cry when DP helped his mate/colleague create a really thoughtful present for his wife (taking lots of photos of the present in various places on an overseas trip making its way to her) and that discussion about thoughtfulness and effort was really beneficial.

I think my DP's problem stems from his family which is very different than mine when it comes to presents - with my family it's all about the thought, coming up with really thoughtful well chosen items, whereas DP's all just text each other what they want 2 weeks before Xmas. Caught me off guard the first year I did the presents as I'd already spend months curating a special list for them of things that relate to hobbies, or that they'd mentioned once in passing 6 months ago and I'd written in my phone to remember.

I think we've cracked it though because the last set of pressies from DP were great, not hugely OTT, just really thoughtful.

Funnily enough I sent him a link to find out what our love languages were whilst I was feeding and he was sitting downstairs playing his PlayStation- he didn’t do it. He looked at it and said it seemed stupid.

"Without getting bogged down with the specifics you can see where I’m coming from?"

I can, but my answer doesn't change that you need to communicate what you want from him. Some people need that constant reassurance, some don't. You can't expect people to pick up on hints. It doesn't mean they don't love you or don't care. Think about how tired you are. Your husband is probably just about as tired as you are (probably less so, as he's not breastfeeding, but it's not a competition.) He probably doesn't have the emotional energy to spend on deciphering hints, I know I don't.

I get it, it sucks to feel unloved or unappreciated, but if he doesn't know you're feeling like that, he can't change.

As an example, my mum loves getting cards, and if she doesn't get them for every occasion, she feels upset. Me, I couldn't care less if I never get another card again and I throw them straight into the bin. But she has told me directly, many times (so many), that she loves getting cards, so I give them. If she never told me, I wouldn't send them and she would spend every birthday and Christmas and Mothers' Day feeling neglected. You need to do the same with your husband. Tell him directly that you want to be told that you're doing a good job, that you do want a Christmas present after all, that you need more help with the baby. It's the only way he's going to know.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend -my family it's all about the thought, coming up with really thoughtful well chosen items, whereas DP's all just text each other what they want 2 weeks before Xmas.”

This is exactly the same as his family! It’s like ticking a job off a list rather than getting enjoyment from making someone feel special. You reply makes sense and I totally agree with what you are saying.

Just tell him, I’m about as romantic as a brick and my partner is super romantic. Ironically when he isn’t romantic (see previous past) I was upset because I’m used to him being that way. When I’m romantic he thinks I’ve cheated or murdered someone.

So from the POV of someone possibly similar to your husband: 5 love languages quiz would make me cringe and probably think you were joking. Hinting doesn't work (just tell me what you want and when).

What you’re trying isn’t working.

So if he doesn’t want to do the test, fine. He misses out 😂
It doesn’t stop you doing the test to see what yours are (although I’d say its pretty obvious that words of affirmation would be the top of your list, probably followed by receiving gifts) and clearly letting him know that the way you feel valued is when he tells you you are. And if you want presents (and there’s nothing wrong with that) stop telling him you don’t/agreeing you won’t buy them for each other.

"Funnily enough I sent him a link to find out what our love languages were whilst I was feeding and he was sitting downstairs playing his PlayStation- he didn’t do it."

Again, this is a communication issue. If you were sitting watching your favourite programme, or reading a book, or doing whatever your hobby is, and your husband popped up with something for you to read, it might not be the best time, you know?

You need to address these things when the other person actually has time and space to process what you're saying, and the middle of a playstation game isn't that time.