To want to be told I’m a good mum

[Hoolahlah66]

Long post disclaimer But I don’t want to drip feed!!
DC is 4 months old and it’s been a tough road. Just to give some background, When I was pregnant I had to leave my job due to discrimination from my employer and received hush money to leave or face the prospect of tribunal. It was a really tough few months sorting that out and whilst in the middle of my pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, DH was very supportive and attended meetings with me etc and is very practical in that sense but didn’t really offer much emotional support or just check in with me etc. Just for context I received about 2/3 a years salary.

Fast forward to the birth which was also fairly traumatic, I won’t go into details but I nearly died as a result With a substantial recovery time. I don’t buy into this push present thing but I was half expecting a card from DH with a nice message or even for him to tell me how proud he was and thankful for bringing his child into the world etc (perhaps I’ve watched too many romcoms) I think I got a “well done baby you did amazingly”. But when DH spoke to other people about the birth he would say it was really traumatic but not say anything like DW was incredible so brave etc etc. It was more like “we” went through it and he was part hero for living through it. DC is perfect but has had a number of issues which has meant he is a very unsettled baby and wakes maybe 3-4 times a night And cries a lot during the day - he is hard work as a lot of babies are I guess. Being EBF the nights have always been down to me, even when I was recovering from surgery my DH occasionally woke up but didn’t get up to help other than to say “can I help” but promptly falls back to sleep. He works full time and now he just doesn’t get up at all, even when no feeding is required. Fair enough? I don’t really know what other couples do at night when DP works etc.

I “celebrated” my birthday during my pregnancy which was about a month after I settled with my employer. We discussed it and I felt a bit railroaded into saying to DH don’t worry about a present or anything As we need to make my money last as long as possible so don’t worry (probably secretly hoping he would ignore me and get me something inexpensive but meaningful or to say how proud of me he was for getting through a tough time etc). He stuck to his word and got me a card with a generic message, not even a fucking cake..
When DH has his birthday a month or so later, I bought him a few bits including a silly mug with daddy on it etc.

Anyway, to my point. I decided in order to make my money go further so we didn’t have to worry about childcare costs or me going back to work quickly As the money I had is depleting due to me buying all of the baby bits, Christmas presents for family and so on, that I would start an evening job which is Monday to Friday. Its quite physically demanding and I’m finding it tough but needs must right? I started this job when DC was 12 weeks old. So basically my day is:

Wake up 3-4 times a night
Get up about 7am with baby
Do housework and look after needy baby who doesn’t nap!
Walk the dog
Get ready for work
Feed DC before work
DH comes home at 5 I leave for work at 5.15
Work
Come home and feed DC immediately due to being EBF
Eat dinner (normally my first meal of the day) at 9.30pm (we take turns to cook)
Put DC to bed
Repeat

My husband and I said we aren’t doing presents this Christmas due to money concerns, but me being me I have bought him something little to open so the day isn’t totally miserable. I doubt he has done the same.. although hoping he feels some guilt about the birthday situation and gets me a bloody mug or something.

I know I am making this sound like it’s all about gifts but I guess I’m just trying to say I need him to offer me a gesture of some sort. I am happy to do what i am doing although it is killing me, I don’t really moan I just get on with it. I look like shit all the time, I feel like shit all the time and whilst I understand he is having to walk through the door and look after DC on his own after a hard day at work, he hasn’t got to get up at night, he gets a lunch break, he has a precious 30 minute commute in peace and quiet.

I am now at the point of dropping hints and fishing for compliments as I feel so down about myself, how I look physically, the fact I have lost my career and have to start from scratch. AIBU to want him to show more emotional support and tell me how amazing I am. Or am I not amazing and are we just in this together ? He does do a fair amount around the house and isn’t a lazy arse. Is this what being a parent is like and I’ve just watched too many films where the woman is put on some kind of pedestal, or perhaps read too many shitty annoying “mums are amazing like and share if you agree” Facebook posts, that have sunk into my brain via osmosis. Am I being shallow, should I just pat myself on the back for surviving and feel eternally grateful for my (fairly) happy healthy DC and need nothing else. I just feel like DH has emotionally checked out. And I want a fucking worlds best mummy mug!!!

@grisen You sound like me, if I did something romantic, my husband would probably wonder what had happened to his wife. And if he asked me to do a love language quiz, I'd probably just burst out laughing. I know they have helped a lot of people sort out relationship difficulties, but it's just not for me.

I feel like a massive twat now 😂 I appreciate all the virtual pull yourself together slaps. I know what you are all saying makes total sense and I guess I’ve avoided the conversation I haven’t wanted to put pressure on him to do more on top of everything else. I am starting to resent him and it doesn’t feel nice as he is a good dad and husband, he is just mr practical and any romantic side has completely gone. He also likes to make a song and dance when he does do things he should be doing like changing a nappy. But he does it so I guess that’s the main thing?

@watchingthemoon I tried once, I got him a thoughtful present and a card after a work trip. He Thought I’d cheated on him for a week... We still laugh about it today, a few years later. That’s how out of character it is for me!

"He also likes to make a song and dance when he does do things he should be doing like changing a nappy. But he does it so I guess that’s the main thing?"

Why? Why should you be grateful he changes a nappy? It's his baby too.

It sounds like you think you need to be grateful and to suck everything up and put a positive spin on everything. At the same time, deep down, you know it's kind of bs.

Presumably you both wanted this baby. Therefore, you do, as much as possible, equal work in keeping the baby healthy and happy.

If he's expecting a pat on the back for changing a nappy, but he can't do the same for you, that's a problem and it is ok for you to say so.

I don't know, I'm confused by your posts. He's a good dad but he expects a song and dance for changing a nappy. He does a lot but he doesn't get up at night.

It's really hard to see what is reality, and what isn't.

You don't have to be positive here! You can just lay it out. This isn't the type of mum group that is going to have a go at you for not being 100% happy with your lot.

I think you need to really think about what is happening, what isn't, what you want, how much he's doing or not doing.

You have to communicate. He's not a mind reader.
You're doing fine. You have to eat better though at lunch. Have a bowl of soup or some beans on toast, that sort of thing, snacking is no good for anyone who is active and breast feeding.
Tell your husband what your needs are. Do you have access to a babysitter? Perhaps you could arrange for a child free evening and get a takeaway and have a chat.
You both sound as though you're both doing ok, but you need that little oomph to boost your confidence.
I'm sure your husband is really proud of you.
Your doing great.

Yea, I’m a bit confused by my own posts. I’m trying to withhold some info as I don’t want to give to much personal stuff away. So to break it down he does a lot of the house admin bills insurance. He washes the cars, does DIY, gardening etc he always seems to be doing something like that at the weekend. I do most of the childcare and if I’m honest he does the playing and occasional bath and settling for bed. BUT he is on his own for 4 hours out of 24, but when I get in from work he will tell me DS fell asleep on him for an hour and a half so DH just sits and watches tv. I do everything else washing cleaning shopping. So in my mind it’s always felt quite equal? I don’t know... I’m just feeling a bit meh 😑

He is lazy but you are a martyr. No doubt about that. Speak up if you want help but dont just sit there suffering and then poor me about it. Why is the first meal of your day at 9.30 when you are at home during the entire day?
Why say no presents then you trump him and get him one and then do the poor me.
Sorry just cant stand a martyr.

"He does a lot of the house admin bills insurance. He washes the cars, does DIY, gardening etc he always seems to be doing something like that at the weekend. I do most of the childcare and if I’m honest he does the playing and occasional bath and settling for bed."

Yeah, that doesn't sound equal. Washing cars, DIY and gardening are basically fairly optional and not necessary for the running of the house. Plus they are pretty much enjoyable for a lot of people, enough so that the last two are hobbies for many people. How long does it take to sort out the bills and stuff? A grand total of about 10 minutes a week in this house and most of it can be set up to be done automatically.

Shopping and cooking and cleaning and childcare are literally NEVER done. You finish one task (shopping) and another pops up (putting away the shopping). You cook, that means now there is washing up to be done. That stuff, the actual chores, are relentless, time consuming and boring. He needs to be doing his share of that crap.

Playing and having a bath with the baby - again, fun. He is doing the Disney Dad thing and leaving you with the shitwork.

Yes, part of this is on you. You need to communicate what you want and need. But you started off talking about presents and stuff but I think the lack of effort from him is the bigger issue.

Hey 👋

In terms of the unsettled baby and rubbish sleeper, congratulations... you clearly have a baby from the same shop mine came from. They don't do refunds. 😂

Do you use a sling? My baby settled more/was calmer when I carried her and so a stretchy wrap was a godsend. She never even slept in the damn car.

Re expressing, it's a learned skill and I really struggled to express a full feed to start with.
Firstly, check the flanges aren't too big/small for your nipples. Makes a MASSIVE difference.

My biggest change with expressing was following some help from a LC. I consciously fed my baby from only one side all night. Woke up with the other side about to explode and then expressed the engorged side. The next night I swapped sides. It really helped my body to start responding to the pump. I also pumped the most when I was nursing on the other side at the same time... finally, get a hakka! They're amazing 😉

Then, to reiterate the rest of this lot... tell him how you feel and if you're a bitch like me, buy your own "world's best mum" mug and if you don't get one from the baby for Christmas, go and get it and say something like "this is the ONLY time I'm buying my presents for you"

Oneday10 -

Not helpful, I have not once said poor me or do I feel hard done by. I just want to be told I’m a good mum and doing a good job after what has been a very tough year by anyone’s standards, hence the title of my post. And you have clearly not had a difficult baby to deal with (not being a martyr just stating facts) I barely get time to take a piss during the day let alone heat up soup and sit and eat it without screaming in the background so apologies if I’d rather save the headache and have a baby attached to my tit and eat an apple. Sitting at home all day?Can we all agree to forget the fucking presents I would Have been happy to take breakfast in bed - fuck it, a cup of tea even on my birthday. I genuinely don’t want a present just a show of appreciation.
Sorry but I just can’t stand a troll...

Have you even uttered a word to him that you need help? You list all the things you do but wont speak to him about it. I've had a very difficult baby, severe colic and hell with reflux, horrific sleeper and attached to me all the time. So give over with the not having one minute to eat something.
You really dont find a minute to make something to eat the entire day till 9.30? That's a Martyr.
Why say no presents and then hit the 'me being me' line? You do know that's a martyr line.

With my difficulties my husband stepped up and if there was something I needed help with I spoke up and expected that from him. Not sit there in running myself ragged but then complaining about it all without speaking to my husband.

Helpful

With the exception of you the other posts here have given great advice made me realise I’m not communicating etc.

You have just found a way to kick me when I’m rock bottom so thanks 🙏🏻

I don’t think anyone else has commented since you said you can’t express but my immediate thought was does that mean your DC is getting what they need in terms of food and could that be part of the problem? If you aren’t eating enough your milk supply will be affected. Non napping baby plus you not eating a meal until late at night plus not being able to express would all say to me your DC is hungry.

My DC2 had formula at night fairly early on so slept through, me feeding first thing in the morning should therefore have meant a decent quality/quantity of milk but I literally couldn’t put her down until 10am after her next feed. Decided to stop breast feeding and move to formula. Lo and behold after several weeks of a baby I couldn’t put down for 3 hours she slept and I didn’t encourage. She clearly wasn’t getting enough food and was much happier once she was.

A troll? Are you calling perfectly reasonable PP a troll? Whut? Say what you want ie “hey DP £10 cap on presents this yr ok?” and mean it. Don’t do the setting him traps thing to find evidence that he thinks you’re bees knees. It’s a bit trappy to say “don’t want anything” but that’s a lie actually and then feel upset he’s believed you and taken you at face value. Don’t set tiny mini traps and tests.

I'm really sorry if I made you feel worse. I apologize. I just think Instead of sitting in silence about something you should speak to your husband. Running yourself ragged and then feeling resentful about it isnt helping. If you didnt have to do half or some of what you do, you would have the time to feel appreciated without it being said.

My dh is eceptionally supportive and weight pulling in pretty much every way, but an utter dud with presents. I place similar value on them to you and we have had some corkers of disagreements over this over the years. He's now a lot better but it has taken two decades (literally) and still tends towards being rather off key.

Both of you have a very demanding schedule and you need to be kind to each other. It ould be kind for you to communicate to him what you need. I kno they 'should' just get it. But with some it's really not an act of selfishnes.

Do you have separate finances? The way you talk about using 'your' money on baby stuff is a bit of a concern.

It took me forever to post and I missed some info. Him making a performance over parenting tasks, and (clearly) rhetorically talking up the DIY bills etc contribution as 'equal', is not good. I'm beginning to wonder whether his verbalised approval would help as much as you think it would. He knows you're a good mum... seems he's using your energy and care to get away with being a less than ideal dad.

I can totally see where you’re coming from. We’ve had a tough year with DS and one of the things that has got me through is my DH being incredible himself but also recognising how resilient I’ve been too. It honestly has kept me going at times. I know it’s difficult to have to ask for a bit pat on the back, but it might be worth discussing it with your DH as it’s important to you. He does sound a bit self centred but perhaps could do with more than a hint to realise that he needs to be kinder to you.

Also agree with the pp about needing to eat. Even if the baby is raging a bit, putting them down for 5 minutes to make a sandwich won’t harm them.

I know how you feel. But you have to say what you.mean. You cant say let's not get presents for each other, then seethe when you don't get one?! Tell him I'd like to do presents. My husband and I are on a tight budget because I'm a sahm, so.we dont get presents. I'm genuinely not bothered. Christmas is just one day, and its about family anyway.

I think to call someone a martyr instead of giving any constructive feedback is rude and goading. The birthday/presents Christmas is an example of a much bigger picture. Read my post, he railroaded me into saying no presents “we should be careful with money” then proceeded to ask for something for his birthday a few months later which was after mine. To be clear I don’t give to receive etc ITS NOT ABOUT THE FUCKING PRESENTS! It’s about what they represent the complete lack of thought. I have bought him something for Christmas, not sure if he has bought me anything, but when the car broke last week he said “I guess we won’t be doing Christmas presents this year”.

Forget all the other stuff I’ve posted. Back to basics - I’ve had the worst year of my life being forced out of a lucrative career which I now can’t go back into unless I relocate, almost dying in childbirth, and basically having to now clean other peoples shit, literally on top of managing my own house. Is it too much to ask for him to WANT to show me some love either by words, a card, a cup of tea for EXAMPLE. It’s not a conversation I thought I should be having, if he doesn’t want to do it then what the fuck is the point?

Sorry to be so sweaty.. I need to go to bed I think I’ve just opened a floodgate..

Sweary...not sweaty

That last post? Tell him, tell him all that the way you just posted it.
Exactly that.

I know I need to tell him but AIBU to expect that from him when he ( in my mind ) is pulling his weight to an extent? Would it be like him feeling he is doing everything he can to support me but me saying it’s not enough?