To want to be told I’m a good mum

[Hoolahlah66]

Long post disclaimer But I don’t want to drip feed!!
DC is 4 months old and it’s been a tough road. Just to give some background, When I was pregnant I had to leave my job due to discrimination from my employer and received hush money to leave or face the prospect of tribunal. It was a really tough few months sorting that out and whilst in the middle of my pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, DH was very supportive and attended meetings with me etc and is very practical in that sense but didn’t really offer much emotional support or just check in with me etc. Just for context I received about 2/3 a years salary.

Fast forward to the birth which was also fairly traumatic, I won’t go into details but I nearly died as a result With a substantial recovery time. I don’t buy into this push present thing but I was half expecting a card from DH with a nice message or even for him to tell me how proud he was and thankful for bringing his child into the world etc (perhaps I’ve watched too many romcoms) I think I got a “well done baby you did amazingly”. But when DH spoke to other people about the birth he would say it was really traumatic but not say anything like DW was incredible so brave etc etc. It was more like “we” went through it and he was part hero for living through it. DC is perfect but has had a number of issues which has meant he is a very unsettled baby and wakes maybe 3-4 times a night And cries a lot during the day - he is hard work as a lot of babies are I guess. Being EBF the nights have always been down to me, even when I was recovering from surgery my DH occasionally woke up but didn’t get up to help other than to say “can I help” but promptly falls back to sleep. He works full time and now he just doesn’t get up at all, even when no feeding is required. Fair enough? I don’t really know what other couples do at night when DP works etc.

I “celebrated” my birthday during my pregnancy which was about a month after I settled with my employer. We discussed it and I felt a bit railroaded into saying to DH don’t worry about a present or anything As we need to make my money last as long as possible so don’t worry (probably secretly hoping he would ignore me and get me something inexpensive but meaningful or to say how proud of me he was for getting through a tough time etc). He stuck to his word and got me a card with a generic message, not even a fucking cake..
When DH has his birthday a month or so later, I bought him a few bits including a silly mug with daddy on it etc.

Anyway, to my point. I decided in order to make my money go further so we didn’t have to worry about childcare costs or me going back to work quickly As the money I had is depleting due to me buying all of the baby bits, Christmas presents for family and so on, that I would start an evening job which is Monday to Friday. Its quite physically demanding and I’m finding it tough but needs must right? I started this job when DC was 12 weeks old. So basically my day is:

Wake up 3-4 times a night
Get up about 7am with baby
Do housework and look after needy baby who doesn’t nap!
Walk the dog
Get ready for work
Feed DC before work
DH comes home at 5 I leave for work at 5.15
Work
Come home and feed DC immediately due to being EBF
Eat dinner (normally my first meal of the day) at 9.30pm (we take turns to cook)
Put DC to bed
Repeat

My husband and I said we aren’t doing presents this Christmas due to money concerns, but me being me I have bought him something little to open so the day isn’t totally miserable. I doubt he has done the same.. although hoping he feels some guilt about the birthday situation and gets me a bloody mug or something.

I know I am making this sound like it’s all about gifts but I guess I’m just trying to say I need him to offer me a gesture of some sort. I am happy to do what i am doing although it is killing me, I don’t really moan I just get on with it. I look like shit all the time, I feel like shit all the time and whilst I understand he is having to walk through the door and look after DC on his own after a hard day at work, he hasn’t got to get up at night, he gets a lunch break, he has a precious 30 minute commute in peace and quiet.

I am now at the point of dropping hints and fishing for compliments as I feel so down about myself, how I look physically, the fact I have lost my career and have to start from scratch. AIBU to want him to show more emotional support and tell me how amazing I am. Or am I not amazing and are we just in this together ? He does do a fair amount around the house and isn’t a lazy arse. Is this what being a parent is like and I’ve just watched too many films where the woman is put on some kind of pedestal, or perhaps read too many shitty annoying “mums are amazing like and share if you agree” Facebook posts, that have sunk into my brain via osmosis. Am I being shallow, should I just pat myself on the back for surviving and feel eternally grateful for my (fairly) happy healthy DC and need nothing else. I just feel like DH has emotionally checked out. And I want a fucking worlds best mummy mug!!!

Your husband sounds like he doesn't do enough parenting and is a bit shit and thoughtless overall to be honest. Yes you should speak up and tell him you're disappointed, but honestly sometimes you don't want to have spell shit out to your own partner. Getting you a cake on your birthday should have been bare minimum.

Just do presents, presents are ace!

This dynamic is one I have seen many a time when babies come along, including in my own marriage. It does lead to.resentment which only gets worse with time unless addressed.

Communication is key as others have said but there a few things I wanted to suggest in addition to the great advice others have given:

Have you had a chance to debrief on the traumatic birth? If not please approach your midwife/ consultant about This-

You say your baby is unsettled. Hopefully he has been checked out medically. Do you have family/ friends who can help? Even so you can have a proper lunch or go for a 20minute walk by yourself - whatever floats your boat. You also don't seem to get time together as a couple with your evening job, can anyone babysit? Really hard with a ebf fussy child but again even a hour can make a huge difference.

Are you getting out in the day? It's a lonely exsistance with a fussy baby at home. I had a screamer and worried about going out but it was always better than I thought.

Hope you get some more appreciation for how hard you are working. You sound like a lovely mum.

"It’s not a conversation I thought I should be having, if he doesn’t want to do it then what the fuck is the point?"

But you can't change him. You can only change yourself or your response to him.

I don't agree that people shouldn't have to be told. Sometimes people are oblivious. I am too. More than once, my husband has had to sit me down and tell me I'm being a dick about this or that. Likewise with him. That's just how things are, especially if you don't seem to be the best at communicating your wishes.

I don't think you need to sit down and have a massive go at him with swearing and shit (although there's been times that that's the only thing that's got through to my husband), but just tell him. Or shit, even show him this thread. Or write a letter. But he does need to be told.

And don't give him anything for Christmas. Take it back. Stop doing things for him. I don't know if you need him to get you presents op or if you just need him to stop thinking he's father of the year and actually step up to his role of dad and take equal responsibility. If my dh was watching me kill myself working and managing the house and baby, a Christmas present sure as hell wouldn't make up for it.

"Getting you a cake on your birthday should have been bare minimum."

Ach, not really though. I couldn't care less if I get a cake or not. No presents is my line. Everyone has different standards for what they want on their birthday. There's only two of us, so half the time, a cake goes to waste in our house.

Sorry can't seem to tag you watchingthemoon. I think in op's case it should have been. He clearly expected something for his birthday but wasn't concerned with hers at all. I think that's really selfish and mean.

Oh do you mean you do like presents? Sorry if I'm not reading your post correctly. I just think something should have been done for her and I really don't think he's that oblivious. Birthdays obviously mean something to him or he wouldn't have expected acknowledgement on his.

Sorry but tell him!
Like I’ve said I’m as romantic as a brick. But when my partner sat me down and said he needed XYandZ I sure as hell stepped up to do it. I still care just because I don’t naturally make him a cup of tea or even say I love you sometimes without being prompted. I love him to the moon and back and when he told me this I stepped my game up.
Yes some of us would rather tidy a house for someone or clean the car or do the DIY that needed to be done to show we care. And sometimes we need to be told what you want instead.

So yes just tell him exactly what’s been written. I feel your pain but yes some people have to be told.

Also thanks to your thread I just made him toast for breakfast for the first time in 6 or 7 years... he’s worried I’ve got sick or something. But thank you for reminding me.

Basically you’re feeling low and lonely and need the person who loves you to notice and make an effort. My ex was very self absorbed and would do practical stuff but wasn’t very good at the emotional side so I understand what you mean from your OP.

No advice really - we split up! I do think you need to be blunt with your OH though and tell him you’re feeling exhausted and low and tell him how to support you. Sadly sometimes those without much emotional empathy do need it spelt out.

@wateringtrees I mean, I'd expect something to be done on my birthday, sure, but it doesn't have to be a cake because I couldn't care less about cake. But if they day passed unremarked on, yes, I'd be mad!

At the same time, the OP said she didn't want anything so that's what she got. On that front, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other really.

Possibly not relevant but I have moderate anxiety issues with a tendency to over think things and worry what people think about me all of the time. With this I feel immensely guilty about things that I assume most people don’t give a second thought to. For example I accidentally cut in line at the supermarket, only realised when I had paid and noticed the woman lurking at the end of the aisle was actually in the queue. This was 4 weeks ago and I literally think about it all of the time. Point being is I feel guilty for all the things he does that I don’t like taking the dog to the vet or renewing the car insurance, to then say make me a tea or get up during the night I need more help and ps. Tell me I’m the brilliant one.

Hope you’re okay this morning OP.
I just wanted to say that I spent last reading my posts on here under old user names. From 10 years ago, 7 years ago and 4 years ago. I felt the same as you in all of them.
I am now working out how to start the divorce process as I have realised, despite convincing myself otherwise for 20 years of the relationship that it is HIM not ME. It isn’t my inability to communicate, lack of effort, not trying hard enough ‘not to be a martyr’. It is that he has never put my needs first and now it is very clear that he doesn’t put the children’s needs first either. The ten year old posts started with a pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding story like yours.
I’m not saying this needs to be the same for you, but just pointing out that it might not be your fault (as implied by some posters) just for not verbally expressing what you need. It should be fucking obvious half the time what you need.

You must read or listen to Brene Browne. Start with ‘The gifts of imperfection’.

WatchingTheMoon - I think perhaps you are taking cake/presents etc too literally. I was heavily pregnant depressed and my birthday wasn’t remarked on. Anyone decent person would have noticed the opportunity to raise my spirits and birthday seems the ideal opportunity. Don’t really care how he did it just the thought matters

What was your husband like at expressing himself before the pregnancy/baby OP? Not everyone is into affirmations and compliments. Personally I find them completely cringy and if I was your DH and you'd sent me that test to fill out for example, I'd have found it pretty stupid too and carried on with what I was doing.

This isn't focusing in on the presents at all, but 'martyr' really is the right word for how your posts are coming across. I've been where you are with a difficult baby. I went back to work earlier than I'd have liked when DS was 7 months - full time - and he still wakes hourly at night. I also do drop off and pick up from nursery due to DH having a ridiculous work commute, still breastfeed and sort out the bath/bedtime routine alone before he even gets through door on an evening. I don't get any rounds of applause for doing it and I think DH would consider me quite unreasonable if I started demanding them because he's never been one for vocalising that kind of stuff.

Parenting is a choice. You've made it and it's tough but it doesn't come with any rewards unfortunately and if you need to be told you're a great mum for coping with what so many of us have and do experience as day to day reality then that says more about your own self esteem to me than it does your husband. Not saying that to upset you, just my opinion.

Good luck

@parrotonmyshoulder
I agree with you, it could be him. I just feel very strongly that she needs to try and talk to him first.

@Hoolahlah66 I hope you are talking to someone about your anxiety and worries. My HV was brilliant in the first few weeks And you can call them to ask for help, or your GP.
But please before your relationship strains Even more just talk to him. It’s okay that he does those things for you and you still need more help or want to be told you’re doing a good job. It’s his reaction to you asking for help that’ll show you if he cares.

You're a super woman, and sadly, super women are taken for granted. They see it that this is just the way you are naturally rather than the fact that to be super woman, you have to work very very hard.

Sadly, this is very common. Your OH probably think you are amazing, will tell everyone you are amazing, loves you massively because you are amazing, but he won't get that what it takes you to be amazing, so won't see that he has to tell you that you are amazing because it is just who you are, the same that you are tall or short, black or white, blue or brown eyed.

The thing to question is whether you tell him that he is amazing, because even if he does less than you overall, maybe it takes him as much efforts to do what he does than you and he too thinks he does amazing. It works much better to acknowledge each other.

If you do that though and it isn't return, them this is where your focus needs to be, remind him that you were not born amazing and that it takes a lot out of you to be so, and that although you are happy to continue, acknowledgement of your efforts would go a very long way to get you to keep going happilly.

As others are said YANBU to feel taken for granted and to feel sad but YABU not to tell your DH how you are feeling.
If you continue to pretend everything is fine and that you’re happy and don’t want anything else from him then he is going to continue to think you’re ok with how things are.
Having a new baby is so hard, it’s exhausting and it’s lonely but when you are not the partner who is in the home with the baby doing all the work you will not understand the toll it takes unless someone tells you.
Be brave, tell your DH ‘actually I’m not ok and I need you to do ...’.
It’s such early days with your baby and things will get better. Don’t rule out PND it can sneak up on you and you don’t have to soldier on alone if you feel really down and unhappy.

I think there's two issues, the practical support and the emotional support.

The practical one is easier to fix... Ask DH to make you a packed lunch/ sandwich / extra dinner for leftovers you can have for lunch so you are eating properly. I know babies can be hard work but you need to find a time to eat... Have you tried sling? Taking pack lunch to the park in pram? If I were in your boat, I EBF but we introduced a bottle of formula at 8 months when he still wasn't sleeping just so DH could help me out. EBF is great but looking at your lifestyle it's not allowing DH to help when you need it.

The emotional side - some people just struggle to understand how important words and gestures are. There's no malice but he should understand what they mean to you. It's also a lesson that you need to say let's have a £10 limit only thoughtful things.

How would your DH feel if he knew you felt like this?

I know two things about relationships:

1. Communication is key
2. Hinting never works

You've got to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Your feelings are valid and he maybe doesn't understand how you are feeling and coping. Look for solutions - so what would you like and what can be done. Make a list of all the jobs and work together to make it feel fairer. Plan some time together. If you want a present tell him.

@Hoolahlah66 We can only go on what you've written. If you bring up presents and stuff, that's what people will remark on. If the issue is actually something else, you should give that as an example instead.

"Your OH probably think you are amazing, will tell everyone you are amazing"

You have way more faith in men than I do, or you must meet nicer ones.

Most guys I know just whine about how boring their wife is since they had a baby.

Hi OP.
I think his you are feeling right now is normal and a lot of people feel this sort of resentment when they first have a baby (everyone I've spoken to said they had to go through it and just don't talk about it a lot).

With the birth, I understand why it's frustrating that he says 'we' etc as it wasn't physically him. My dh used to say this too and to be honest, close to birth and hormone fuelled, it drove me crazy. Now I look back and realise that he had to sit and watch a loved one go through all of that whilst feeling totally powerless. You say you nearly died. Your DH had to watch that and couldn't do anything. So it would have been traumatic for him too, just in a different way. I'm not making excuses for him but it is hard for them as well in that sense.

The push present, I wanted one too and did tell dh but it didn't happen. It turned out my dh was depressed actually and this all came out of the woodwork a couple of months after birth so he completely forgot things like this. He was quite anxious when I was pg (for many justified reasons) and the big life event tipped him over towards depression. He had counselling and fine again now. He has actually become a very hands on, amazing dad to our child, and a great husband to me.

I know it can feel like you are doing all of the parenting when you are ebf but that is the reality it. You are a different sort of parent to the baby than their dad. You can provide food, and comfort that a father cannot. I know so many mums that resented their husbands whilst they were ebf because they felt they got all the 'good' bits whilst they did the hard stuff. Have a chat about how you feel and what he can do to step up. He can do other stuff around the house, for example.

Stop hinting about gifts. You're saying no gifts so he is doing no gifts. He isn't a mind reader and shouldn't be resented for doing as told when the rest of the time we'd like it if they actually listened.

Clear communication is key with such a young baby. And real listening. We hear what other people say but immediately start thinking of our response so don't really take it in.

You are a good mum, op. The world doesn't stop to tell good mums that. Instead people throw in shitty opinions, unhelpful advice, anecdotes you didn't ask for. Nobody ever remembers what they wanted to hear: that they are a good mum. I'm sure you're doing a great job so don't doubt yourself.

It sounds like life is tough at the moment. You sound like a strong person who works hard and gets on with stuff.
As a pp said, it’s common that Women like that who just get on with it quietly often get taken for granted.
You do need to tell your dh how you feel.
I think it sounds like your dh works hard too. Yes it is sound unequal in the childcare element and household element and that’s up to you to rebalance it, if that’s what you need.

Small tokens of appreciation are so important. It’s often the little things that matter.
A hug, a few words of love and appreciation, a thoughtful text message, a cup of tea, small gifts.

These things matter. Not only to make you feel better in the struggle of a busy life with a demanding newborn, but it keeps you connected as a couple.

I’ve been in a very similar situation to you. The only way to change it is to talk about how you’re feeling. Say that you know it looks like that you just get in with things but it’s sometimes a struggle and you find things difficult.
Say that you felt unappreciated on your birthday. How would he have felt if you’d done nothing for his birthday?
Say you want go back on what you agreed on about gifts because they actually do matter. Say you want a gift at Christmas, your birthday and any other occasion that matters, even a small one.