To want to be told I’m a good mum

[Hoolahlah66]

Long post disclaimer But I don’t want to drip feed!!
DC is 4 months old and it’s been a tough road. Just to give some background, When I was pregnant I had to leave my job due to discrimination from my employer and received hush money to leave or face the prospect of tribunal. It was a really tough few months sorting that out and whilst in the middle of my pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, DH was very supportive and attended meetings with me etc and is very practical in that sense but didn’t really offer much emotional support or just check in with me etc. Just for context I received about 2/3 a years salary.

Fast forward to the birth which was also fairly traumatic, I won’t go into details but I nearly died as a result With a substantial recovery time. I don’t buy into this push present thing but I was half expecting a card from DH with a nice message or even for him to tell me how proud he was and thankful for bringing his child into the world etc (perhaps I’ve watched too many romcoms) I think I got a “well done baby you did amazingly”. But when DH spoke to other people about the birth he would say it was really traumatic but not say anything like DW was incredible so brave etc etc. It was more like “we” went through it and he was part hero for living through it. DC is perfect but has had a number of issues which has meant he is a very unsettled baby and wakes maybe 3-4 times a night And cries a lot during the day - he is hard work as a lot of babies are I guess. Being EBF the nights have always been down to me, even when I was recovering from surgery my DH occasionally woke up but didn’t get up to help other than to say “can I help” but promptly falls back to sleep. He works full time and now he just doesn’t get up at all, even when no feeding is required. Fair enough? I don’t really know what other couples do at night when DP works etc.

I “celebrated” my birthday during my pregnancy which was about a month after I settled with my employer. We discussed it and I felt a bit railroaded into saying to DH don’t worry about a present or anything As we need to make my money last as long as possible so don’t worry (probably secretly hoping he would ignore me and get me something inexpensive but meaningful or to say how proud of me he was for getting through a tough time etc). He stuck to his word and got me a card with a generic message, not even a fucking cake..
When DH has his birthday a month or so later, I bought him a few bits including a silly mug with daddy on it etc.

Anyway, to my point. I decided in order to make my money go further so we didn’t have to worry about childcare costs or me going back to work quickly As the money I had is depleting due to me buying all of the baby bits, Christmas presents for family and so on, that I would start an evening job which is Monday to Friday. Its quite physically demanding and I’m finding it tough but needs must right? I started this job when DC was 12 weeks old. So basically my day is:

Wake up 3-4 times a night
Get up about 7am with baby
Do housework and look after needy baby who doesn’t nap!
Walk the dog
Get ready for work
Feed DC before work
DH comes home at 5 I leave for work at 5.15
Work
Come home and feed DC immediately due to being EBF
Eat dinner (normally my first meal of the day) at 9.30pm (we take turns to cook)
Put DC to bed
Repeat

My husband and I said we aren’t doing presents this Christmas due to money concerns, but me being me I have bought him something little to open so the day isn’t totally miserable. I doubt he has done the same.. although hoping he feels some guilt about the birthday situation and gets me a bloody mug or something.

I know I am making this sound like it’s all about gifts but I guess I’m just trying to say I need him to offer me a gesture of some sort. I am happy to do what i am doing although it is killing me, I don’t really moan I just get on with it. I look like shit all the time, I feel like shit all the time and whilst I understand he is having to walk through the door and look after DC on his own after a hard day at work, he hasn’t got to get up at night, he gets a lunch break, he has a precious 30 minute commute in peace and quiet.

I am now at the point of dropping hints and fishing for compliments as I feel so down about myself, how I look physically, the fact I have lost my career and have to start from scratch. AIBU to want him to show more emotional support and tell me how amazing I am. Or am I not amazing and are we just in this together ? He does do a fair amount around the house and isn’t a lazy arse. Is this what being a parent is like and I’ve just watched too many films where the woman is put on some kind of pedestal, or perhaps read too many shitty annoying “mums are amazing like and share if you agree” Facebook posts, that have sunk into my brain via osmosis. Am I being shallow, should I just pat myself on the back for surviving and feel eternally grateful for my (fairly) happy healthy DC and need nothing else. I just feel like DH has emotionally checked out. And I want a fucking worlds best mummy mug!!!

First you must give him the opportunity to hear what you have to say. Like so many posters have said, communication is key and from personal experience I know things build up slowly and resentfulness starts to creep on which can be disasterous if left to fester. My husband is great, extremely helpful but I do remember feeling unappreciated and lack of sleep made that worse. Turns out both of us felt the same way but I was too wrapped up in thinking I was hard done by to notice he felt stressed and tired and unappreciated too. Would strongly advise you sit down and talk. It sounds a bit like you don’t communicate massively well, sending letters because you can’t talk about it face to face or texting him stuff when I’m same house makes me think you are avoiding these conversations because they are difficult but necessary . Wish you the best of luck.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to want to feel valued. But again OP, you’ve said you were heavily depressed and pregnant on your birthday and no one noticed. Did you communicate about how you were feeling?
Some people are good at noticing things, some people aren’t. But if you are waiting for your partner to read your mind, or ‘notice’ things, when he clearly has a history of not noticing things and then being upset when he doesn’t, then that is just as much on you.
Also, you could have reminded him on his birthday you’d agreed no presents and followed through with it. That communication may have opened his eyes a bit.
For what it’s worth, I had a partner who expected me to be a bit of a mind reader. It severely hacked me off he couldn’t just talk to me but would then be pissed off about me not meeting his expectations.

I completely understand about the birthday present - my husband didn't even get me a card for my birthday, he just wrote Happy Birthday from him and baby on a white piece of paper. My first birthday being a mother! We spent my birthday celebrating his niece's birthday which was 2 weeks earlier! I really resent him for the whole thing.

The way I have dealt with it is to tell him that it's important for me for these celebrations to be marked and that in the future he needs to get me something - even if it's just a fucking handcream - as it's a token of regard and it feels disrespectful to just ignore it.

I read something on here a while ago that I thought was so true.

You can have a partner who treats you the exact way you want. Or you can have someone that you tell how to treat you, and have them do it.

The first one is slightly nicer, but the second one is nice as well, plus it actually exists.

YANBU OP

You’re after what all humans want, acknowledgment and support from the man who is supposed to be your partner in this.

Gifts are a non-issue to me, but the contradiction of ‘no presents because things are a bit tight’ to ‘I want X for my birthday’ would make my eye twitch a bit too!

Absolutely it would be better if he could pull his head out of his backside a bit and realise this but it’s not happening, so I think a clear defined conversation is needed with him and it sucks. I had to do the same with my DH, similar situation, emergency csection birth (no danger to my life though I’m so sorry your experience was so traumatic ) but our twins ended up in NICU for four months and we nearly lost them a few times - they’re okay now and cheeky little 2yo’s.

He was massively wrapped up in his head about how it all affected him after they arrived home and I was the same, so yeah I bit the bullet and tried to speak as calmly as I could about how I needed more from him as he’d also checked out of parenting/housework. It lead to some heated arguments at points I won’t lie, sleep deprivation, one twin (DD) on oxygen and barely feeding and the stress of it all got the better of us, but it improved once I cleared the air as the resentment could have become toxic otherwise.

Good luck and I hope he sees sense OP - my DH and I rarely do presents for each other as money is massively tight since having the twins, but he will still tell our DC on a daily basis that he thinks they have the best Mum and tells them why he thinks that.

Well done for everything you’ve accomplished @Hoolahlah66 well done! You sound like a lovely Mum. Talk to each other - hash it out, it won’t feel great but it really will help

Oof that first bit read like I was saying all humans want the acknowledgement of a man - I meant we all crave acknowledgement and support and in your situation you need this from your DH - the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet

You just need to tell him, and don’t feel silly or materialistic. It’s fairly normal to want and expect presents and humans have a long cultural tradition of giving and receiving gifts.

And in the grand scheme of a yearly or even monthly budget, a few carefully chosen presents are not going to irreparably damage your family budget or lifestyle. As long as there is actually spare cash somewhere and I’m assuming there is?

One suggestion for your diet would be to make more dinner and have that for breakfast the following day.

What support are you getting from your GP for your anxiety?
It is really not normal to still be thinking about the accidental queue jumping 4 weeks on.
I know that’s not your question here, but I don’t think you’ll be in the best place to address your issues with your husband if you don’t have proper support with the anxiety.

I agree with most posters - stop hinting, and stop with things like “me being me”. You need to talk to him. Good start with the love languages - but you need to talk about WHY you want to do that. It’s worth doing alone anyway, as you can see why certain things are important to you - and why they might not be to your partner! I found it most useful to do together, chatting about each question. Even if it’s not his “thing” he should do that for you. You have to understand that a ‘dad’ mug is a sentimental thoughtful gift in your eyes... but to me, that would be tat that I didn’t want (sorry!) and I wouldn’t think it was even that thoughtful. The thing is, to one person a dad mug says “OMG we’re about to start this parenting thing together, and you’re a DAD and I’m so excited and I love you and think you’ll be a great dad and you are the person in the world I most want to do this with”. To another person (me!) it’s “I don’t want or need another mug, and ‘dad’ is a bit obvious and twee”. Of course I’d never say that! My daughter thinks I love the “best mummy in the world” mugs that her stepmother chose for her to give me... we have different tastes!

You need to talk talk talk and listen too!