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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The ‘work wife’

146 replies

GrannyBags · 19/12/2019 08:30

My boss sometimes refers to me as his ‘work wife’. For context, he is a vicar and I’m his PA. His wife is my closest friend and our families spend a lot of time together. I noticed on here a couple of posters objecting to the term but didn’t think anything of it until a person I know got very upset and said that it is ‘code’ for the people concerned having an affair! A
Cringing a bit now. AIBU in thinking it’s just a bit of fun?

OP posts:
WorryBadger · 19/12/2019 11:40

Meh, doesn't bother me. I'm also Office Auntie. I have a couple of work husbands. And a work sister. I struggle with the idea that calling someone a 'wife' is an inherently misogynist term and says that the caller feels superior to the callee.

echt · 19/12/2019 11:43

I struggle with the idea that calling someone a 'wife' is an inherently misogynist term and says that the caller feels superior to the callee

It isn't when the person called is their wife. If they're not then it's not OK.

Think of the term "wife work'.

DarlingNikita · 19/12/2019 11:48

let's face it a wife(or husband) is someone you are sexually intimate with. Work 'wife' logically infers that.
I think it implies precisely the opposite: that the person is not a wife (or husband) in the usual sexually intimate sense.

RufusthebewiIderedreindeer · 19/12/2019 11:52

I called dh friend at work a work wife

They were very close, went to lunch together, he picked up some of her phrasing and she took him shopping for clothes (expensive shop bearing in mind he was uncomfortable in all of it Grin)

I asked what did she look like once and he said she wasnt pretty....and then i met Her, i kid you not she was a younger prettier me Hmm

But yes...in the context of dh saying he has a work wife meaning someone who runs round after him and does all the menial stuff....i would be unhappy with his phrasing

WorryBadger · 19/12/2019 11:57

I'm someone's work wife. I do shit all for him! (Them, actually, there's 2)

Jaxhog · 19/12/2019 11:58

I don't remember anyone referring to my PA as my 'work wife'. In fact, I've only ever heard it applied to female PAs and males bosses. So it's pretty misogynist. I've never heard the expression 'work husband' actually used in the office!

But I think it just means you're PA to a man (doing little woman stuff).

FizzyGreenWater · 19/12/2019 12:03

My boss sometimes refers to me as his ‘work wife’.

How demeaning.

Barnseyboyo · 19/12/2019 12:09

I have a work husband. It’s not sexist. Only to people who don’t understand the term.

MintyMabel · 19/12/2019 12:13

Urgh. Such an objectionable term.

I'd ask him to stop as it's really demeaning.

U2HasTheEdge · 19/12/2019 12:19

I would assume that a 'work wife' is some sort of EA / PA type, who tends to his every need.

God no! It wasn't like that for me. I think I made him a cup of tea once in two years. I didn't do anything for him except what I would do for normal colleagues as a part of my job.

Original poster
GrannyBags · 19/12/2019 12:22

I don’t find it demeaning or anything. My husband is my equal so I don’t find the term work wife to be putting me down or anything.

OP posts:
Lifecraft · 19/12/2019 12:26

let's face it a wife(or husband) is someone you are sexually intimate with. Work 'wife' logically infers that.

Errrr.....okayyyy...anyway, back on Planet Earth....

Feelingabitashamed · 19/12/2019 12:27

I don't find it demeaning! Or at least in the sense that I understand the term. My ex had a fabulous 'work wife' who wasn't his PA or vice versa, in fact she was substantially senior to him for a while but they worked well together and had become good friends. I think it just means a close ally.

BlueCornsihPixie · 19/12/2019 12:41

It's not code for affair, I like to think people having an affair would be more subtle! But I think it's really cringey, and it is
misogynistic.

To me it implies a woman who facilitates the man, a woman who does his admin, a woman who 'nags' him, keeps him in check.

What's wrong with them just being a friend? Why pretend their a spouse? You don't pretend close friends out of work are spouses. All the women on this thread who talk about how the women their She work with are amazing. Why? Because they do their job? What are they doing at work for your husband that makes them so amazing?

Saying work wife/husband is like staking your claim. It's marking your territory behaviour, it's 'look how close we are hehe, look how special our working relationship is'

I'd be really pissed off, and quite uncomfortable, if one of my male colleagues decided I was his work wife.

SpoonBlender · 19/12/2019 12:51

@Iwouldlikesomecake My work wife is a married gay chap :D Works out great.

Lifecraft · 19/12/2019 12:54

This reply has been deleted

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Lordfrontpaw · 19/12/2019 12:56

My last work husband was a bigamist actually.

bluebluezoo · 19/12/2019 13:27

To me it implies a woman who facilitates the man, a woman who does his admin, a woman who 'nags' him, keeps him in check

Yep. Someone who does his "wifework". ie all the shitty jobs so he can concentrate on his manly important work.

"Wife" is conditional on there being a "husband". It brings a working relationship down to a domestic level, and implies you're working for personal reasons rather than professional ones.

Celebelly · 19/12/2019 13:33

I had a 'work wife' and I'm female! We were both same grade but we had same sense of humour and everyone said we were like an old married couple Grin We stopped working together a few years ago but still start messages to each other with 'wifey'.

Lifecraft · 19/12/2019 13:35

"Wife" is conditional on there being a "husband". It brings a working relationship down to a domestic level, and implies you're working for personal reasons rather than professional ones.

But sticking the word "work" in front then implies that you spend a lot of time together at work and get on well. That's it. That's all. People can try and read into it impending sex, male domination, BDSM or whatever other nonsense they wish to. It says more about them as a person and the terrible state of their actual marriage than it does about workwife/workhusband.

AgeLikeWine · 19/12/2019 13:46

Everyone should have a work husband. Mine is wonderful. We work very well together, he always has my back, I always have his. We instinctively think alike about issues and people. Often, a raised eyebrow is all the communication we need. I’m very lucky to have him, and he knows he isn’t allowed to leave without me.

BlueCornsihPixie · 19/12/2019 13:46

life you can scoff all you like but if someone told me they had a work wife that's exactly what I would think.

You only have one wife/husband. It implies that no one else is as close as you, you have a special working relationship etc. It's weird.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 19/12/2019 13:48

The only person know who uses this term is a misogynistic mansplainer who we all wish would retire.

greeneyedlulu · 19/12/2019 13:56

My boss calls me his work wife and I call him my work wife too! It's been a long running joke between us and certainly doesn't mean we are having an affair. Even my oh refers to my boss as my work wife. We find it funny and a reference to us spending more time together than we do with our partners and none of us take offence.

rattusrattus20 · 19/12/2019 14:16

it's certainly not code for an affair.

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