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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The ‘work wife’

146 replies

GrannyBags · 19/12/2019 08:30

My boss sometimes refers to me as his ‘work wife’. For context, he is a vicar and I’m his PA. His wife is my closest friend and our families spend a lot of time together. I noticed on here a couple of posters objecting to the term but didn’t think anything of it until a person I know got very upset and said that it is ‘code’ for the people concerned having an affair! A
Cringing a bit now. AIBU in thinking it’s just a bit of fun?

OP posts:
echt · 19/12/2019 09:06

While I would larf at the very idea of its being code for having an affair, I think it's a shite way to describe a professional relationship.

Horrible and utterly demeaning.

PapayaCoconut · 19/12/2019 09:06

To clarify, the above about someone "being attractive" was a joke! I wouldn't want anyone to call themselves my work husband!!!

partyhatsoff · 19/12/2019 09:07

It's not code, I have had work 'husbands' and work 'wives' over the years, they were and remain some of my closest friends.Nowt else was going on.
For me it's the person that you work the closest with AND click with AND who has your back at work. They get to listen to your work woes and triumphs so that your poor, actual spouse doesn't have to all the time. And you return the favour.

meredithgrey1 · 19/12/2019 09:08

He has said that we must never meet as it might get brutal!

I had a "work husband" who said the same, that I could never meet his wife as he worried we'd gang up on him!

(He was joking and I have since met her quite a few times and I like her a lot.)

PapayaCoconut · 19/12/2019 09:09

They get to listen to your work woes and triumphs so that your poor, actual spouse doesn't have to all the time. And you return the favour.

I think the risk is that such closeness develops into an EA, if people start to discuss relationship problems with each other as well.

Queenunikitty · 19/12/2019 09:11

It’s not a code for an affair, my DH has a ‘work wife’ who he adores and they have a strictly professional relationship, she is senior to him. She is the most recent in a long line of ‘ww’s’. I have always considered them as someone who DH spends more time with than he does with me, hence the term wife. None of his secretaries have ever been the ‘work wife’, always his close female professional colleagues. He did marry a colleague, his first ‘actual wife’ but it went wrong pretty quickly and he learned his lesson there!

partyhatsoff · 19/12/2019 09:12

I don't think it's sexist but that might be because I'm a married lesbian, so I'm used to everything being 50/50 on the 'wife work' front and I've had work spouses of both genders... 3 boys to 2 women to date... although selfishly my current work wife got her self knocked up shortly after marrying her actual husband and is on maternity leave... I miss her but have been instructed by her not to even THINK about a replacement while she's off Grin

Bluerussian · 19/12/2019 09:14

It is just a joke, you could refer to the man as your 'work husband'. I'd certainly not see it as code for an affair and doubt many would

partyhatsoff · 19/12/2019 09:15

PapayaCoconut ' I think the risk is that such closeness develops into an EA, if people start to discuss relationship problems with each other as well.'

Nah, you're missing the point. I talk about work mostly with my work wife and save my actual wife from listening to long involved stories about people she barely knows. She gets the highlights only.

pinkyboots1 · 19/12/2019 09:15

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a work wife or husband... it just means that you have a great working bond.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/12/2019 09:15

I agree with MerchantOfVenom, it always was applied to female secretaries too - and it's got bugger all to do with 'good working relationship', that's just morphed as people struggle to make the term palatable.

'Work wife' was, back in the day, applied only to women and termed by the men they worked for. It was degrading and still is but some women actually do enjoy being called this. Gives them a warm and fluffy feeling. Urgh.

There's a bit of defensiveness about this on the thread, misspiggy19's post a prime example.

BlueJava · 19/12/2019 09:18

No it's not code for an affair it's just a term meaning you work together quite closely. It's not a term I like (personally), I was called this once whilst working closely with a guy on a long term project and I found it a bit strange tbh. I'd try and avoid the term because I think it implies a level of intimacy beyond work... but it's your choice.

Frariedeamin · 19/12/2019 09:19

My bosses wife calls me his ‘work wife’. I keep him organised from a people’s well-being perspective and she is very into that in her own work. I see it as a compliment. There is 0 sexual chemistry whatsoever I would resent the implication or anything otherwise.

Brefugee · 19/12/2019 09:19

it's an awful phrase and shouldn't be used. Firstly because it denigrates his real wife. Second because it's misogynist.
Third - most importantly, IMO - it denigrates your professional relationship. You're a PA not his wife. You get paid to be professional and do your job.

GetUpAgain · 19/12/2019 09:21

Its patronising and sexist. Yuk.

Elbeagle · 19/12/2019 09:21

I agree with MerchantOfVenom in this scenario. It seems to be implying that he has his actual wife to tend to his every need at home, and his work wife to tend to his every need at work.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 19/12/2019 09:27

It's a bit of fun - not necessarily misogynistic (though I can see problematic if you are his PA) and definitely not code for anything!

I've had a few work husbands, all in a different team to me, and in a couple of cases my junior. And certainly nothing untoward! It just meant my best male friend at work.

Hugtheduggee · 19/12/2019 09:29

I think it's fine, but with my real husband we share the load very equally so I don't associate the term 'wife' with domestic skivvy, but with close person who you trust who has your back.

I also believe thst you can have very close friends of the opposite sex, and set a very high bar for what is close enough to be an 'emotional affair' personally, so I have no problems with this.

I've had work husbands and work wives before as it can just as easily be same sex. Sometimes people spend more time (at work) with their work spouse than their real one, so if course a degree of closeness is normal.

drspouse · 19/12/2019 09:33

I would also tend to think "sexist, someone to make my coffee, clear up after me and remember special events, because only women can do this".

Lardlizard · 19/12/2019 09:33

I would not like that

Dinosforall · 19/12/2019 09:34

Yuck. It's not 1980 any more

DisPater · 19/12/2019 09:36

Ohhh I don't know, seducing a vicar has always been a fairly niche and TMI fantasy of mine so I'm erring on the sign of caution 😂

partyhatsoff · 19/12/2019 09:39

Not sure how it's sexist when 'work husband' exists as well? My male director has a work 'husband'...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/12/2019 09:39

christmastreewithfairy, this is general really, not aimed at you but why not refer to them as mates then? Where does 'husband' come into it at all? Doesn't friend/mate cover the relationship that you have? Does it need to be souped-up? If so, why?

To me, it's misogynistic certainly, the term wife/husband is meant for one person (at a time) and using it for somebody who isn't that person, cheapens it. It's also an ikky thing to have 'conferred' on you. I have been referred to as 'work wife' several times in my career... always by men. So patronising.

partyhatsoff · 19/12/2019 09:40

Oh, and my previous work husband was the tea-making, tidying, organised one in our relationship. God send he was, we balanced each other out as he was super organised but not a creative thinker, so I did the ideas and he did execution. As well as making the best tea I've ever had at work!