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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The ‘work wife’

146 replies

GrannyBags · 19/12/2019 08:30

My boss sometimes refers to me as his ‘work wife’. For context, he is a vicar and I’m his PA. His wife is my closest friend and our families spend a lot of time together. I noticed on here a couple of posters objecting to the term but didn’t think anything of it until a person I know got very upset and said that it is ‘code’ for the people concerned having an affair! A
Cringing a bit now. AIBU in thinking it’s just a bit of fun?

OP posts:

MrsCharlesBrandon · 19/12/2019 09:42

DH refers to my boss as my Work Husband. Never been any hint of an affair.
He says it because we rub along quite nicely most of the time, but also have some fairly heated discussions! The nature of my work means that there has to be a significant amount of trust between us. (I'm an Interpreter)

I don't think my boss calls me his Work Wife though!

Lordfrontpaw · 19/12/2019 09:43

I’m usually referred to as the ‘office mum’ which I don’t like! I’ve been the wife - and had a husband too!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/12/2019 09:43

My husband has a work wife. They have an extremely good working relationship and she gives him hell. He has said that we must never meet as it might get brutal! She seems a fantastic woman and I have every respect for her

My dh had a work wife a few years ago and she was amazing,took no shit ,I miss her

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2019 09:43

I've never heard this phrase in real life. It sounds madly old-fashioned.

You're employed as a PA to do a professional job, so the fact that the job is 'organising and supporting bloke x' is fine (so long as it doesn't cross professional lines - asking you to buy anniverary cards, or sew on buttons etc).

The idea that 'organising and supporting bloke x' describes the role and is described by the term 'wife', is deeply problematic though. Man as 'the great I am' and wife as helpmeet. Yuck.

AlexaShutUp · 19/12/2019 09:43

It's inherently misogynist.

This.

Hoppinggreen · 19/12/2019 09:46

To me it doesn’t say affair, it says misogynistic boss who thinks women are all just things that help him.
I wouldn’t be happy being referred to in that way, very unprofessional

AlexaShutUp · 19/12/2019 09:48

Exactly Hopping. Sums it up nicely.

fairygodbaker · 19/12/2019 09:58

I'm gay and I've got a 'work husband'. We're equals in the company and it's honestly just a bit of fun since we carpool, have lunch together all the time, and he's my go-to person whenever I want to nip out for a juice/coffee/croissant/strudel or something in the afternoons. I'm also great friends with his wife, as he is with my DP (we all go out for brunch some weekends). Hardly anything misogynistic about it!

justmyview · 19/12/2019 09:59

it's an awful phrase and shouldn't be used. Firstly because it denigrates his real wife. Second because it's misogynist. Third - most importantly, IMO - it denigrates your professional relationship. You're a PA not his wife. You get paid to be professional and do your job

This. I'd hate to be described as a work wife. How patronising

AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 10:00

I never thought it was code for anything either but I hate the term. Does anyone ever get called a "work husband" out of curiosity?

Lifecraft · 19/12/2019 10:01

To me it doesn’t say affair, it says misogynistic boss who thinks women are all just things that help him.

Well you've misunderstood it. A work wife / work husband is just someone of the opposite sex you work closely with. A man's work wife might be his boss, his equal, or his junior. Same for a work husband.

People should find something real to get offended about.

NoSauce · 19/12/2019 10:01

Is it balls code. My best friend has a “work” son and daughter!

Hoppinggreen · 19/12/2019 10:03

No I haven’t misunderstood it . I said what it meant to me, it’s an opinion.
And I’m not offended because nobody has ever referred to me that way thankfully

Damntheman · 19/12/2019 10:04

I would hate being called a work wife and the term makes me cringe internally. But you do you OP! If you don't mind it or quite like it, and it isn't hurting anyone, then why not?

Fink · 19/12/2019 10:05

It doesn't imply you're having an affair. It does imply that your boss is living in the 1950s.

For context, I also work for a group of priests and, like you, get on well with them socially. I would not put up with a term like that.

MyMajesty · 19/12/2019 10:07

The man uses it, because he sees the woman as serving his every need. Just like a wife.

Yeah, misogynistic.
(barf)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/12/2019 10:07

Lifecraft, No, people can judge for themselves what is offensive, thanks. This is and, when you're on the receiving end as I was, to a boss who treated me as decoration, it's offensive.

I think that women (particularly) who don't find this offensive ought to delve a bit more deeply into the reasons why their husbands/partners are happy with publicly extending the term of 'wife' to other women. It's usually bosses that do this too and makes me shudder.

MyMajesty · 19/12/2019 10:11

Does anyone, who isn't gay, have a same-sex work-wife or work-husband?
If not, why not?

Lifecraft · 19/12/2019 10:12

It does imply that your boss is living in the 1950s.

That's very sexist, assuming that a man's work wife is his junior. She can just as easily be his boss.

Lifecraft · 19/12/2019 10:13

Does anyone ever get called a "work husband" out of curiosity?

Yes, all the time.

Lordfrontpaw · 19/12/2019 10:24

I've had one!

Halestorm · 19/12/2019 10:26

DH has a work wife of sorts, she's absolutely lovely and I have no concerns whatsoever. She's only got eyes for her partner and would consider DH akin to a brother.
She's from a nearby town to him so they'd know a lot of mutual people and she was one of the first staff in their branch along with him so they sort of built the office up together. He talks to her about work related issues as they are the same rank, the kind of stuff that would either bore me to tears or be too specific to work for me to be able to offer advice to.
She and her partner have moved away for the last few years due to his work so we rarely see them in person any more but as she's still with the same company she would still be in regular contact with DH during work.

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2019 10:26

didn’t think anything of it until a person I know got very upset and said that it is ‘code’ for the people concerned having an affair!

Is this "person" your spouse, @GrannyBags?

Tell them to dry up.

Fink · 19/12/2019 10:28

@Lifecraft, I was addressing the concrete situation the OP posted, where it is her boss who refers to her as his 'work wife'. She has explained that he is the vicar, she is the PA. Am I supposed to read between the lines and guess that she might simultanteouly be his boss in another, unmentioned, business of which they're both a part?! Otherwise I don't see what's 'very sexist' about 'assuming' that he's the boss; it's not an assumption, it is overtly written in the OP.

Littlebean0506 · 19/12/2019 10:31

My partner used to be referred to as a work husband which never bothered me, the only time I got annoyed with their work relationship was when she gave him a valentines day card. as long as you all know its a joke then I don't see the problem.

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