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AIBU?

He fucking got away with it. Now what?

113 replies

InnisandGunn · 19/12/2019 00:43

Some of you may remember my posts regarding an old friend that sexual assaulted me twice. Once whilst asleep, and once whilst black out drunk. He's a teacher. Dating a 17 year old girl.

The police have just emailed to say it's not going to CPS.

What can I do now?

I want to put it all over Facebook. I want to send an email to the head teacher. I want to go and confront him and record it.

I feel bereft. He got away with it. He fucking got away with it. He lied and he got away with it. How is this fucking right. If I hadn't had a drink I'd be straight round there now.

Please someone talk some sense into me. I just want him to feel what I'm feeling right now.

OP posts:

Report

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/12/2019 15:39

I agree it's not a great idea to meet up with him, unless you plan to be accompanied by at least one big burly bloke on your side, and another female for support!

Why on earth would you want to do that? He's either going to flatly deny it or laugh in your face - you will not get what you seek from this.

Please do not put yourself through this. He may even think you're up for a re-run, which I'm certain is not the case.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/12/2019 15:40

I'm so sorry, I've got no useful advice at all.

Someone close to me was raped when she was 20, the man was a son of a judge. It went to court and he got off. He then followed her and her friends to a pub and was publicly in front of her, her friends and his friends boasting at how he did it and how he got away with it.

Makes me sick when I think about it.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this, it's not fair at all.

ImGoingToBangYourHeadsTogether · 19/12/2019 16:44

I'm going to contact him about meeting up tonight. Not for evidence or anything, but for closure.

I can't help echoing what other posters have said. What will you gain? "Closure"? Don't have anything to do with him except with witnesses present. The system is fucked up, these excuses-for-people have better defence in law than we do. Just leave it.

TooTrusting · 19/12/2019 16:56

A defence to defamation is truth. the civil burden of proof, not the criminal one.

As a lawyer, I'd be more worried about a harassment claim. Don't say things like "I'll be at your local tonight", that won't help you. A local (to me) mother of a young man killed by a single punch took to saying things on social media about the other young man who had punched him (and who had been found not guilty at trial, due to self-defence), which included her encouraging people to complain to the BBC when it was discovered they intended to include him in a documentary series (the subject of which was not one punch killings). Whilst the police and CPS had backed her (or rather her dead child) all the way to trial, she was the one who ended up with a harassment warning. The police had no choice and it made everything so much worse for her in her grief.
The last thing you need is the injustice of a formal warning, or even a charge.
My violent ex was not charged after the police passed the case to the CPS. These days they are so pressed for funding that they will only prosecute cases they believe are a dead cert. I have had to accept this. But apart from his immediate family, everyone knows what he's like and that I was telling the truth, so that has to be enough for me.

InnisandGunn · 19/12/2019 18:32

Once again, really appreciate all the advice. I'm still set on meeting him tonight. I'll have someone with me, and will be meeting in a public place. Seems weird to some but this is the best way I can think to move forward for my own sanity. I'll update you all later. Hoping to meet for 8:30pm

OP posts:

newyearoldme · 19/12/2019 19:35

If you're hoping to talk to him and get him to admit to something in a way the police has told you might be "admissible" then just please don't. This smacks completely of something like entrapment (which is a defence btw) and given that this is all over MN and probably being picked up the Daily Fail et al, then it really won't be admissible and you risk falling foul of the law yourself. Please read what others have said about harassment and also consider seeing help from WA, Rape Crisis or similar.

Lovemusic33 · 19/12/2019 19:57

This could seriously back fire on you. The best thing you can do is have no contact what so ever, I don’t even understand why you have his contact details, he could easily turn this around and have you done for harassment making it look like you are perusing him. I don’t understand why you would want to make contact with someone you have reported as a rapist. Advice from anyone including ape crisis would be to stay away and seek help in the way of counselling.

Softskin88 · 19/12/2019 20:24

Creepy as this is, if the 17 year old is not a student at his school, then there is nothing that the CPS can do because there is no offence being committed in law.

It would be an offence if he was in a position of responsibility in relation to her (eg teacher, tutor, sports coach, scout leader) but otherwise the age of consent is 16 and his job does not change that.

It might be worth lobbying your MP for a change in the law but for the moment a consensual sexual relationship between a 17 year old and a teacher at another school is not a criminal offence.

Some European countries have staggered ages of consent (otherwise known as “Romeo and Juliet laws”) meaning that once the older partner is over a certain age, the age of consent is as high as 18.

This means that older teenagers are protected from predatory adults by a higher age of consent, without criminalising younger teenagers in consenting relationships with other teenagers.

In the UK it is much cruder- anyone over 16 is “fair game” no matter how old the other partner is as long as it’s “consensual”, unless there is a position of responsibility involved.

helpmum2003 · 19/12/2019 22:05

I agree no public naming or shaming.

However, you can anonymously inform his school about 17yo girlfriend (you don't need to comment on whether she's at his school or not). You can also anon inform her parents about the relationship.

InnisandGunn · 19/12/2019 22:06

He was a no show. Unsurprising, and I feel relatively calm. I think this is where I draw my line and move on in life.

OP posts:

Skidzer · 19/12/2019 22:38

Yes, that's a good idea.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 20/12/2019 14:59

Innis - I am honestly relieved that he did not show. I think if he had you would have ended up either very angry or very upset - and either way you would have been the loser and he would have been laughing up his sleeve at you.

HE IS NOT WORTH THE STEAM OFF YOUR PISS!

I'm very glad that you have chosen to draw a line under this and move on. You are protecting your own mental health by doing so.

One day he will make a mistake, or you will see his name in your local paper for a similar offence - then, if you want to, you can step forward again. Until then, don't give him headspace.

I wish you the very best of success in your life for the future.

HuggedTrees · 20/12/2019 15:28

I’m glad that doing that and him not showing has helped him very on and feel like you’ve regained power over the situation. Block his email/social media everything and enjoy plannnig your wedding

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