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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He fucking got away with it. Now what?

113 replies

InnisandGunn · 19/12/2019 00:43

Some of you may remember my posts regarding an old friend that sexual assaulted me twice. Once whilst asleep, and once whilst black out drunk. He's a teacher. Dating a 17 year old girl.

The police have just emailed to say it's not going to CPS.

What can I do now?

I want to put it all over Facebook. I want to send an email to the head teacher. I want to go and confront him and record it.

I feel bereft. He got away with it. He fucking got away with it. He lied and he got away with it. How is this fucking right. If I hadn't had a drink I'd be straight round there now.

Please someone talk some sense into me. I just want him to feel what I'm feeling right now.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 19/12/2019 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PhilCornwall1 · 19/12/2019 07:58

Out then go on to say they emailed or called you again in the middle of the night to discuss how you could obtain further evidence by meeting up with him. Are you sure about that?

I must admit, I did see this posted at 1:31am and thought it a little odd.

AliMonkey · 19/12/2019 08:04

@Soontobe60, if the 17 year old is a pupil at his school and it is in the UK then it is against the law, so you c

AliMonkey · 19/12/2019 08:06

... you can’t say he’s done nothing wrong if that is the situation

vdbfamily · 19/12/2019 08:09

I would message school safe guarding link and tell them what happened. They cannot do anything immediately but it will make them alert to any inappropriate behaviour. There may have already been some concerns made.

Equanimitas · 19/12/2019 08:23

I've been told it'd cost a lot to sue me for defamation so I'm willing to take the risk right now.

Please don't rely on this. It costs very little to represent yourself in defamation proceedings, and it would be easy for him to get a no-win no-fee solicitor to take the case on. It would make you feel so much worse to spend the next few years of your life caught up in litigation only to lose to him again.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 19/12/2019 08:24

Don’t do anything tonight. Sleep on it first.

Good advice - tomorrow when you are fully sober, alert, rested (as much as you can) and can think more clearly, you can work out what to do.

I am not surprised that you are upset and angry - it took tremendous courage to go to the police with the details of this vile man's assault on you, and it must seem that it was for nothing. Unfortunately it comes down to burden of proof. If the CPS feels that there is not enough evidence to get a conviction (and even today, juries tend to think that girls were "asking for it", or that it was a crush he didn't reciprocate - even in the face of often overwhelming evidence) they won't take it forward.

This doesn't mean they didn't believe you - just that there is not enough evidence to convince a jury. (Read "The Secret Barrister" to find out how prejudiced juries can be, and how they often ignore even the judge's advice.)

You have spoken out - be proud of yourself. If anything further comes up against him (and it well might), then the authorities have been alerted - and you may be approached to give your evidence again.

Re: this 17 year old. Do her parents know that she is dating a man so much older? I wouldn't like this if it was my young still-at-school daughter, and I'd want to know.

I'm going to record the conversation and try and get evidence

Be very careful with this - it is a grey area re: legality and I don't think any evidence obtained like that would be admissible anyway, though it may give you satisfaction. TBH, I think that unless he was so arrogant he was crowing about it, he would be very careful and just deny, deny, deny anyway.

Please don't do anything that could get you on the wrong side of the law. He will slip up one day - let him hang himself.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 19/12/2019 08:25

I would message school safe guarding link and tell them what happened.

Unless the man in question is dating a student at the school, in which case the school would already be taking their own action against him, I don't think this will achieve much if anything at all. From their perspective, they act on information that suggests a teacher is an immediate threat to the students in the school, either physically or by the example they set - which is why accusations made by pupils or parents are so devastating if they are malicious, as a teacher's career can be irreparably damaged. However, an unsubstantiated accusation by someone unconnected to the school and not supported by police action is unlikely to carry much weight.

I understand how frustrated and helpless and angry you must feel. But do reflect carefully on what you want to do next, as the last thing you want is for him to be able to paint himself as the victim in this, which he could well do as a result of you posting on social media or contacting his school.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2019 08:28

Please do be careful. You don’t want the life you built after what he did to you ruined if he does sue you.

paranoidmum2 · 19/12/2019 08:38

What's the risk of being found guilty of defamation?

Would OP lose her home, car etc? Would she have to pay a certain anount of her salary each month? If she doesn't work, will her soon to be husband have to pay?

And what's the risk of the cunt actual suing her for defamation as e knows he's guilty?

PhilCornwall1 · 19/12/2019 08:46

What's the risk of being found guilty of defamation?

A compensation claim and probably paying the legal costs of the other person.

KatherineJaneway · 19/12/2019 08:48

The girlfriend is not at the same school.

LemonTT · 19/12/2019 08:48

It is more likely that the OP will get accused of harassment than be taken to court for defamation. Especially if she goes public on FB and contacts the school. As a teacher he will have to try to shut her down.
Because she contacted the school he could get support from his union. This could then end in criminal proceedings for her. From that could spring civil action as the union seeks to recover costs.

Whilst the police may have told that there is nothing to prevent her approaching him or his family, they will not or should not have told her to investigate.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/12/2019 08:54

Soontobe60, you sound pleasant, not.
If I read this on social media or anywhere I would be inclined to think, there is someone who has been molested and is justifiably hurt and angry.
OP I can imagine how you're feeling and your need to expose his actions but please dont put yourself at risk of him suing you. Could you see a solicitor to find out what you can/cant do?
Please bide your time. If you can n0tify his school without risk then I would do that.
Our legal system with regard to this type of crime is shameful at the moment.
I tend to agree that one day hell be caught out for the 'man' he is.
Sorry this has happened to you. You're not alone. Flowers

BrickTop999 · 19/12/2019 08:55

The advice the police have given cause me concern. Its not right which makes me believe the officer is unexperienced. My advice us to send a calm rational letter of complaint to the Inspector in charge, asking for the case to be reviewed and SENT to the CPS. From your OP it looks like the police did an NFA off their own back. Insist its reviewed by a CPS rape specialist lawyer.

myduckiscooked · 19/12/2019 08:57

@Soontobe60 I’m reporting you for victim blaming. You and other victim blamers are a part of the problem of sexual abuse and rape. Really unpleasant post.

Original poster
InnisandGunn · 19/12/2019 08:58

Thanks all for the good advice and well wishes. Woken feeling rather numb but have lots of people around me today. At this point I'm thinking what's the point. Like so many have pointed out, I don't want this coming to bite me in a few years.

As for those who don't believe me, that's fine. I don't need validation of what happened from strangers. I just came here looking for some support when my real life support wasn't available.

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 19/12/2019 09:00

Myduck, totally agree

Original poster
InnisandGunn · 19/12/2019 09:01

Thanks @myduckiscooked that one really twisted the knife. I wasn't even with my partner when this happened. It was 6 years ago.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/12/2019 09:01

Very sorry this has happened. The justice system favours perpetrators. By reporting it you have increased the chances of police action if/when he does this again.

A teacher dating someone that young, even at another school, would be a safeguarding concern.

ginghamtablecloths · 19/12/2019 09:02

I'm sorry this happened to you, it must make you feel like shit. Also, it's not a good idea to take action or make decisions while drunk.

notapizzaeater · 19/12/2019 09:06

Glad you've slept on it, you don't want to make a shit situation worse.

teentree · 19/12/2019 09:09

The police dropped you an email to tell you this?

They then called you at 1am?

They told you how to approach this person to get evidence that will stand up in court?

Even though it's not actually going to court?

There is something far wrong here. I would suggest you get to the police station and speak to someone about the conduct of this officer. None of this is ok.

Original poster
InnisandGunn · 19/12/2019 09:31

@teentree yes emailed. I then replied to say I'd be up for a few hours if he had a spare moment to call me. He did and then I asked him about going to speak to him myself, as we'd spoken about it a few times previously.

OP posts:
LonelyGir1 · 19/12/2019 09:32

If you post on facebook, you will compromise any future legal proceedings. Don't do it.