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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He fucking got away with it. Now what?

113 replies

InnisandGunn · 19/12/2019 00:43

Some of you may remember my posts regarding an old friend that sexual assaulted me twice. Once whilst asleep, and once whilst black out drunk. He's a teacher. Dating a 17 year old girl.

The police have just emailed to say it's not going to CPS.

What can I do now?

I want to put it all over Facebook. I want to send an email to the head teacher. I want to go and confront him and record it.

I feel bereft. He got away with it. He fucking got away with it. He lied and he got away with it. How is this fucking right. If I hadn't had a drink I'd be straight round there now.

Please someone talk some sense into me. I just want him to feel what I'm feeling right now.

OP posts:
MLMsuperfan · 19/12/2019 04:10

So sorry you're going through this OP. Hope you can find peace in time even when the justice system has failed you.

Interestedwoman · 19/12/2019 04:16

I had a similar thing happen and I took it as far as I could. It'd happened to me previously with a different man, so I knew to expect very little from the police (they still managed to disappoint me with their nasty treatment, though.)

I reported him to a gaming club he ran (which was how I met him; he used his position to gain women's trust- usually young women, unlike me) and told his wife.

He couldn't stand for chairman again, and then his wife banned him from going to the club.

I had the satisfaction of doing everything I possibly could. I agree that people are unlikely to sue for defamation due to the cost.

Sorry you're going through this, and best wishes xxxxx

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 19/12/2019 04:21

I can't believe the police emailed you to break that news. They refused to tell me over the phone and came to my home when that happened to me.

I'm so sorry it was handled like that and I'm so sorry this happened to you too.

It does get easier, I promise.

Interestedwoman · 19/12/2019 04:21

I would definitely email the head. As long as you tell the incontrovertible truth it's not defamation (i.e. you could say you sought to press charges etc.) They can't do anything, but it'll make people see him in a different light, and keep an eye on him. You could mention that he's dating a 17-year-old too, as that sounds pretty bad.

WELL DONE for going to the police, by the way. It was worth it. That's on file against him now, so it'll help if any other woman reports problems with him. xxxxx

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 19/12/2019 04:23

PS, I also posted everything on Facebook. But I didn't name him. I put enough info on there for mutual people to be clever enough to figure out who he was though. Just be careful.

Skidzer · 19/12/2019 04:52

You may have missed what @Interestedwoman said but read their post - it's a couple of posts up from this one.
I'll reiterate what he's saying, to only state that you've reported him or whatever.
However. I would strongly advise that you sit on this for a week. Not a night. Because what I presume you're planning to put on FB will look like you're a lying lunatic or a whore. I'm sorry, but that's the fucking reality of life.
So be very very careful about what you post in writing anywhere. You're telling the public something deeply private about you too. Don't let him rob you of your self.

Skidzer · 19/12/2019 04:55

In my case, the rape happened and everything chaotic that could possibly go on, on a night.

Guy had raped me, but, he said it was consensual. I said he raped me. No forensic evidence. CPS said no. It's that cruel babe.

Aridane · 19/12/2019 04:57

I am wondering why hebwould be able to prove he didn't do it, i.e be successful in a damafamation case against you, when you are speaking the truth, ans how could they prove you weren't speaking the truth without a full trial?

That’s not the way defamation/ burden of proof works.

Facebook posts, emails etc of the nature OP outlines are clearly defamatory.

To plead justification as a defence (ie it was true), the OP would have to prove the defamatory statements were true. Which she is unlikely to be able to do as the case did not meet even the threshold for bringing a prosecution.

Aridane · 19/12/2019 04:57

I agree with @Skidzer - sit on it for at least a week

newyearoldme · 19/12/2019 04:59

Please don't put anything on social media. I completely get how you're feeling and why but it will so far more harm than good later down the line. If more evidence did arise later for which he could be prosecuted, then a defence team would use the fact of your FB postings etc to get the case thrown out on the basis of an unfair trial.

Similarly, if it were to come out that the police had been telling you how to obtain evidence from him / his mum which could be used against him and you went ahead and got this, this then a defence team would also challenge this evidence and seek to get it thrown out on the basis that it's been discussed all over MN.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and I can't begin to imagine how angry you must be feeling. I hope you find some peace this morning and are able to talk it through with someone before deciding what to do.

BloodyBastardBrexit · 19/12/2019 05:00

Oh please, don’t post on Facebook. He he did sue you and win - think of the financial impact on your family. He has taken far too much from you already. I am very sorry that this happened to you.

Skidzer · 19/12/2019 05:04

And I know how hurtful it is to see them in their normal jobs. They yob who raped me worked in a pharmacy in a hospital. How do I know this? Because he told me over and over when he wanted to have penetrative sex without a condom. I insisted on one. He penetrated me anyway without one. Not rape. Not provable anyway. So he goes back to dispensing medication, and like Amy Winehouse.......? I go back to black. A year and a half not working due to some sort of nervous breakdown. But I blamed myself. It's hard. But counselling.... You need that.

Skidzer · 19/12/2019 05:08

I said No emphatically. But he went ahead anyway. Meh!
Police in fairness said that they did actually fully believe my account. The CPS just wouldn't take it on...

It's ok. Well it's not ok really because I'm not quite ok, but it has to be ok because we have no other choice.
Hugs for you when you come down from the anger buzz.

TisTheSeasonForMincePies · 19/12/2019 05:24

OP, please do not go on a social media rampage..

You see them sort of posts and often the reaction is "poster is crazy, bitter, lying" etc it won't do you any favours.

endofthelinefinally · 19/12/2019 05:37

I am so sorry this happened to you.
Do the parents of the 17 year old know and approve the relationship?
I would be very concerned if my teenager was dating a much older man...

Juliette20 · 19/12/2019 05:58

Which she is unlikely to be able to do as the case did not meet even the threshold for bringing a prosecution

The CPS thought the case could be proved beyond reasonable doubt. With civil matters (such a libel) the test is different, it's the balance of probabilities.

A claim of defamation is defeated if the defendant proves on the balance of probabilities that the statement was true.

Many a "victim" of libel have been hoist by their own petard because of this.

Juliette20 · 19/12/2019 05:59

Sorry, I meant couldn't in line 1.

Juliette20 · 19/12/2019 06:03

Personally I wouldn't write anything down but tell people in person what he has done. Slander is much harder to prove than libel.

Sleephead1 · 19/12/2019 06:16

Hi op I have also been sexually assaulted by a friend whilst asleep. I was alot younger and I didnt report I'm not and never have been scared of him really and I would like to talk to him about it ( not to get evidence but just to gain peace I suppose I was asleep so unsure of all the details) but realistically he would never probably even admit it. I dont think you should publicly name him firstly he could seek legal advice now however unlikely you think that is it can still happen and I'm sure that's the last thing you need, he could contact the police ect secondly how will you feel if he calls you crazy , jealous, liar, says you've made false allegations ect how will you feel if people believe him over you and abuse you ? You could open yourself up to angry family / friends coming after you online , in person . I think it would be a huge mistake and really bad for you. I'm also extremely surprised the police have advised you to do that and I'm really not sure it would hold up in court ? Perhaps someone in the legal field can advice re that but I would definitely seek legal advice from a solicitor not the police as Imagine if you do this and it gets thrown out/ is unusable ect. I also think you have to be realistic after finding out he isnt going to be prosecuted is he really going to meet and admit it to you. Surely it would he the first thing he thinks of that you will try and record him ? I understand your angry and it must be really awful to have tried to prosecute and it not go anywhere but I think if you try any of this in the highly emotional state it could very well end badly for you. Have you thought about counselling ?

Skidzer · 19/12/2019 06:19

I disagree with Juliette.
There will come a time where you don't want this to haunt you.

Jellybeansincognito · 19/12/2019 06:34

I’ve a friend who did the same to me- although he slept with me whilst I was blind drunk and not even alert.

I hate his guts but honestly op. Revenge isn’t always sweet.

What exactly will your get out of telling people? He’s clearly a manipulator. You can’t prove what happened to you.

People can change their friends/ move away.

I think the whole keep your enemy’s closer and your cards to your chest is correct in this scenario.

Imagine how you’d feel if he moved away after you’ve told everyone- at least right now you can potentially protect others.

Jellybeansincognito · 19/12/2019 06:34

The future doesn’t change the past. Definitely remember that.

AlexaPourMeAnEggnog · 19/12/2019 06:45

Your drinking concerns me. You regularly refer to it. Have you sought counselling to get you through the trauma of this abuse?

You will get him, but don’t do anything hasty.

Can you make a freedom of information request to get the whole record of your case? (I honestly don’t know if you can, but there must be legal types on MN who can answer this).

Juliette20 · 19/12/2019 07:08

The thing that worries me is that he is a teacher and going out with a minor. I think personally I'd have to let people know re his job and relationship, whether or not they chose to believe me or do anything about it. I'm not saying that is necessarily the wise or safest course of action, I'm just say what I think I'd do in the circumstances. Though of course, I have no idea what I'd actually do.

Danni12 · 19/12/2019 07:42

You could consider contactingwww.gov.uk/government/organisations/teaching-regulation-agency
They are the body that regulates the teaching profession and they will investigate when they believe there is possible misconduct .....

You could also seek legal advice to see if you could bring a civil case against him as the legal test is different to that of a criminal case.

Talk to people who you love and trust, get some legal advice and ensure you are having emotional support/ counselling if you want to access it. Flowers

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