Mean Grandparents

[Spoldge45]

Hi,

This is my first ever post & I was really hoping to get some advice, regarding my parents and the way are with my daughter.

I'm 40 and have one child, my daughter who is 10. She is my parents only grandchild and this situation is unlikely to change.

Ever since she was born my parents never showed any interest in her, never came to visit, never babysat, never made an effort on birthdays/xmas etc...I have found this very hard to cope with over the years, but eventually after many years I accepted that they will never change and got on with my life, but as my daughter is getting older (she will be 11 in February) and I am finding it increasingly difficult to 'shield' her from this situation.

I always worry about this in the run up to xmas, but this year I can feel myself getting very down & anxious about it. On Monday my daughter was invited to a friends after school and the next day, she told me that her friend already had lots of presents under their tree and that apparently they were all from the child's grandparents. This made my heart sink, I'm not a materialistic person at all, we have always brought our daughter up to believe that Christmas is about family & we donate to the local foodbank & I consider myself very to be Eco conscious and we have brought my daughter a 2nd hand Fitbit and a 2nd hand Lego set as presents from ourselves this year, partly for costs reasons, but also I'm trying to be more environmentally aware, but despite this, when my daughter told me about her friends grandparents and that she had seen all of these presents, it really hurt & I could see the realisation over my daughters face, that her grandparents are 'different' and not in a particularly nice way. My parents don't make an effort at Christmas and all the time my daughter was young, she didn't fully realise this & we could 'brush it off' and so it didn't really have an impact, but she has grown up so much in the last year and I'm worried that this year I wont be able to hide their insensitivity. It is isn't just about money at all, the one present they do give to my daughter each year is often very thoughtless, for example last year they got my daughter a book but the book was in a series and they got her number 3 of 7, so it made no sense, unless you had read the other 2! The Christmas before, I asked if they could get her the greatest showman dvd as she loves this film and I knew it was only £10 in Tesco's at the time, so I felt safe to suggest this as it was fairly inexpensive, and they did actually buy it for her, but they decided not to give it to her as they wanted to 'hold it over for her birthday'?? I was gobsmacked. Instead they got some plastic gimmicky glasses which have just sat at the bottom of her cupboard ever since.

I wouldn't care if they didn't buy my daughter anything, but if they came around & played board games with her and interacted, this would be creating happy memories which she would remember, but they have never done this and I now dread their cheap and thoughtless present on Boxing Day.

My daughter isn't materialistic either, but obviously like any child she likes to receive presents! and we try to make it special for her, I just wondered if anyone has any advice on how to handle this issue I have never in my 10 years of parenting ever met someone else in the same situation and so have never had anyone to discuss this with. My husbands parents are both no longer with us, they passed many years ago and this seams to magnify the situation as my parents are her only grandparents.

Not that its at all relevant, but I just wanted to add, my parents are not in any sort of financial hardship, if they were I wouldn't want or expect them to get my daughter anything. They live very comfortably in a 4 bedroom house, both their parents are sadly deceased, one recently and they both inherited sizeable amount following this. I don't want this to be about money, but just wanted to illustrate how it is even harder for me to explain their apparent and I hate to use this word, but I cant this of anything else for it 'stingyness'.

If anyone could offer any advice on how to handle this or has had a similar experience I would be very grateful.

Thanks Bel xx

Sadly, some people are just not interested. How were they with you?

I've brought my sons up to understand the dynamics of the relationship with their GPs. They don't get upset or disappointed because they don't expect any better. We all know 'granny's not very good at presents'.

I do make clear that regardless of the strengths and weaknesses of the rest of the family, I will always have their back, will always make sure they have what they need- emotionally and practically. Grandparents are effectively an optional extra.

Yanbu...and I don't even think it's about the money or gifts. It's their whole attitude obviously.

My parents are dead but my mil couldn't give a shit. I don't say anything directly to her about how I feel as it's certainly not my place, however if it was my own parents I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I'd ask them outright and tell them how hurtful their behaviour is.

Lots of grandparents don’t give piles of presents - if you want your DD to have a stash of presents under the tree, buy them yourself.

You don’t have to explain their stingy-ness at all - you could be accused of being stingy yourself with the second hand fit-bit and second-hand Lego.

When you say the realisation hit her that her grandparents are different - maybe it was actually the realisation that she won’t have a pile of presents - from anyone and what she gets are secondhand!

My advice is not to over think it so much.
Expect your daughter to expect that everyone is different - some have GPs, some don’t. Some practically live in their house, others come once a year. I’m sure your daughter has experience of friends whose PARENTS have different present approaches to you - alone GPs! Some 10yos are allowed make up, some have a phone, some can’t choose their own clothes yet, some share a room, some go skiing, some are made to learn their spellings...
There are SO many differences.

Your daughter may have had a moment of “oooooh, wish I had loads of presents too!” - and that’s that.

My 10yo has the following grandparents:

• my parents. Nightmares. She is involved in a Xmas and birthday phone call annually and that’s it.
• her dad’s parents. One dead, one with dementia in a home
• step grandparents on one side: lots of presents, see once a month
• on other side, few presents but pop in every few days

There are SO many differences, don’t be surprised if she just takes it all in her stride. If she doesn’t, point out a few of the other differences in life - and gently teach her to suck it up!

I feel for you op. We have a similar ish situation here, though not as extreme. It baffles me because I imagine I'd love buying treats for grandchildren and my own grandparents were all awesome at gifts.

There's no shortage of money in this situation either. Nor time. I really don't get it.

Op have you considered a council befriender scheme? Chance for you and dd to meet up with pleasant company from another generation?
Don't have to be blood relatives to become important to you both. Obviously not for material gain but emotional and a sense of family you both deserve.
Neither me of dh see our dps. My dc have no gps or other relatives at all.
When I have more spare time I will be signing up!

I have to say I found you comment rather hurtful Dilly. I haven't exclusively brought my daughter 2nd hand gifts but am trying not to add any more to the sea of plastic already in in this world, I was also made redundant in October so I need to be more frugal this year. Sorry but we cant all afford brand new, but I chose gifts I knew my daughter would like and surely that's all that's matters?

I think the presents or lack of, is a red herring. Fact is, it's symptomatic of their lack of care and interest.

Were they mean parents? Did it bother you?
At least she had loving parents.

Thank you Sprinkle as much as I can recall, they were the same with me, although different with my brother strangely. They are incredibly old fashioned and believe that children should be 'seen and not heard they find it incredible that we might all go out once a month say & see a family film or take out daughter to a trampoline park etc..in their eye's this is something that would only be reserved for a birthday treat.

I think at the moment I'm finding it hard as my daughters BFF is rather spoilt, and this isn't helping, I suspect one day I will have to sit my daughter down and explain the situation, although i'm not particularly looking forward to that!

I think its just so hard because society leads you to believe that GP's are these loving, caring, giving people who adore their grandchildren and this makes it so much harder.

I will definitely look into the council befriender scheme Winterdaysarehere, thank you for this. I think I did try something like this when she was little but It never came off as so much 'red-tape' but I will definitely try again. :)

It's quite sad really, but all you can do is do your best to always be there and always have her back as others have said. It's a shame, but she'll work it all out as she grows up.

Ignore @dillydilly some people just come on here to be spiteful.

It is sad when grandparents don’t take an interest. It’s sad when grandkids realise this as well! U can only accept that and move on im afraid. Merry Christmas to u!!

Ps I’m all for second hand! Better to use the old plastic then encourage more of it!!

This reminds me of the time I asked my husband’s parents to buy some milk and porridge for my toddler , as we were visiting (we live 3 hrs away) and that’s what he ate for breakfast. They refused and said they needed 3 days notice to buy anything (they lived 10 mins walk from the co-op and were great walkers, eg 10 mile hikes!)

Another time I asked them if they could buy a single duvet for my son to use when we stayed, he was then aged 4. . He was always given my husband’s 35 year old single crochet blanket - no kidding, as his bedding which obviously didn’t keep him warm. My MIL responded that a duvet was a waste of money (£20 tops?!) as we were only visitors. So she’d rather her little grandson be cold when we stayed, than spend money. They were extremely well off and lived in a large house . She never worked and my FIL retired at 55. Some people are strange, tight and mean. It’s hard when they’re your child’s grandparents though. Very hurtful.

Dilly that’s just bloody rude.

@DillyDilly

You're displaying a lack of emotional intelligence there. What you're failing to understand is when people are sad at others lack of generosity or gifts, it's not really about the material goods, it's about feeling like they're not seen as worthy or valued. I'm sure if the ops parents came round regularly to see their gd or took her out for the day or played games with her or showed genuine interest, the lack of presents could be overlooked.

You don’t have to explain their stingy-ness at all - you could be accused of being stingy yourself with the second hand fit-bit and second-hand Lego

This is a really unkind thing to say. Firstly, not everyone has the disposable income to spend loads of cash on presents and the cost of the gift does not equal how much you love someone. Thats a very ignorant and privileged point of view. Not only that, ive seen plenty of kids unwrap multiple expensive gifts and there comes a point where none of them satisfy- its just.... "next!".
Secondly, both my parents are dead and I miss them. If you asked me what I remember/miss about them it damn sure wasn't their bloody Christmas presents. What I remember is the TIME I spent with them, the experiences we had and how close we were and the conversations we had. That is what is important and what meant the world to me.

OP- I am so sorry your daughter's grandparents are showing such disinterest. I get it- its hurtful and you want to protect your daughter from feeling any sense of abandonment or rejection. As you say, the thoughtless presents wouldn't matter so much if they actually made an effort to spend time with her. I would talk to your daughter about it. Explain that yes, you are sad too that they dont come round much and that sometimes in life people have trouble expressing how they feel. Acknowledge her feeling a bit sad about it but focus on the positives and that is, you can still have a lovely Christmas with your small family unit and that she is very much loved and cherished. Kids are very resilient and I think that as long as kids feel secure and loved, the lack of grandparents in their life (although admittedly, disappointing) will not make them feel like they have lost out or like they are missing something.

It is what it is. I wouldn’t make an issue out of it. We’ve got four sets of grandparents (both sets of parents split up and remarried) and none of my 3 children have ever received a present off them. We don’t have a close relationship with them and haven’t turned it into an issue with our children. It’s not healthy to compare your family to others because they don’t get your children presents

There are hundreds of alternatives to plastic gifts though.

It's shit really. My kids are the only ones we know with no grandparents at all, they haven't had any for years. I only have 2 siblings and they didn't bother with my kids 18th or 21st. What what can I say, it's shit.

While she's old enough to notice she's also old enough to talk it through with you honestly and know that her grandparents just aren't interested in being grandparents and it's nothing to do with DD.

There are hundreds of alternatives to plastic gifts though.

Yeah but if the DD wants a fitbit and a lego what's wrong with giving her second hand ones? I'd much rather get a second hand version of something I wanted than a brand new version of something I didn't.

Well if you are stingy according to response I am too! My son asked for something for Xmas that I bought second hand on eBay. He won’t know the difference. It’s a part of a video game. Jeez what’s the issue with hardly used second hand?
As for the grandparents I think that’s terrible sad. Especially as your child is the only one, their time and love costs nothing and creates more memories than any bought gift second hand or not.

It's really sad they don't want to be involved and I understand why that upsets you.

The gift thing shouldn't be made into an issue though. She may notice her friends have more gifts from their parents too but that's just the reality of life unfortunately. I used to get random gifts from relatives I didn't know that well. I always got £5 from an uncle who certainly isn't short of money. I never had piles of presents from grandparents. To be honest I can't remember whether they were ever thoughtful or not. I would hazard a guess my parents probably bought on their behalf - maybe you could do that to cushion the blow a bit?

My point being I never knew any different. I never felt my parents were bothered about it so I never was. It was just the norm. It is probably upsetting you more than your daughter (understandably) but perhaps be wary of that rubbing off on her