Mean Grandparents

[Spoldge45]

Hi,

This is my first ever post & I was really hoping to get some advice, regarding my parents and the way are with my daughter.

I'm 40 and have one child, my daughter who is 10. She is my parents only grandchild and this situation is unlikely to change.

Ever since she was born my parents never showed any interest in her, never came to visit, never babysat, never made an effort on birthdays/xmas etc...I have found this very hard to cope with over the years, but eventually after many years I accepted that they will never change and got on with my life, but as my daughter is getting older (she will be 11 in February) and I am finding it increasingly difficult to 'shield' her from this situation.

I always worry about this in the run up to xmas, but this year I can feel myself getting very down & anxious about it. On Monday my daughter was invited to a friends after school and the next day, she told me that her friend already had lots of presents under their tree and that apparently they were all from the child's grandparents. This made my heart sink, I'm not a materialistic person at all, we have always brought our daughter up to believe that Christmas is about family & we donate to the local foodbank & I consider myself very to be Eco conscious and we have brought my daughter a 2nd hand Fitbit and a 2nd hand Lego set as presents from ourselves this year, partly for costs reasons, but also I'm trying to be more environmentally aware, but despite this, when my daughter told me about her friends grandparents and that she had seen all of these presents, it really hurt & I could see the realisation over my daughters face, that her grandparents are 'different' and not in a particularly nice way. My parents don't make an effort at Christmas and all the time my daughter was young, she didn't fully realise this & we could 'brush it off' and so it didn't really have an impact, but she has grown up so much in the last year and I'm worried that this year I wont be able to hide their insensitivity. It is isn't just about money at all, the one present they do give to my daughter each year is often very thoughtless, for example last year they got my daughter a book but the book was in a series and they got her number 3 of 7, so it made no sense, unless you had read the other 2! The Christmas before, I asked if they could get her the greatest showman dvd as she loves this film and I knew it was only £10 in Tesco's at the time, so I felt safe to suggest this as it was fairly inexpensive, and they did actually buy it for her, but they decided not to give it to her as they wanted to 'hold it over for her birthday'?? I was gobsmacked. Instead they got some plastic gimmicky glasses which have just sat at the bottom of her cupboard ever since.

I wouldn't care if they didn't buy my daughter anything, but if they came around & played board games with her and interacted, this would be creating happy memories which she would remember, but they have never done this and I now dread their cheap and thoughtless present on Boxing Day.

My daughter isn't materialistic either, but obviously like any child she likes to receive presents! and we try to make it special for her, I just wondered if anyone has any advice on how to handle this issue I have never in my 10 years of parenting ever met someone else in the same situation and so have never had anyone to discuss this with. My husbands parents are both no longer with us, they passed many years ago and this seams to magnify the situation as my parents are her only grandparents.

Not that its at all relevant, but I just wanted to add, my parents are not in any sort of financial hardship, if they were I wouldn't want or expect them to get my daughter anything. They live very comfortably in a 4 bedroom house, both their parents are sadly deceased, one recently and they both inherited sizeable amount following this. I don't want this to be about money, but just wanted to illustrate how it is even harder for me to explain their apparent and I hate to use this word, but I cant this of anything else for it 'stingyness'.

If anyone could offer any advice on how to handle this or has had a similar experience I would be very grateful.

Thanks Bel xx

I think this is one of those parenting moments when you can see your daughter is hurt, but you can’t actually solve the problem.

If we could take away the hurt, we would. But you can’t.

YANBU. Very sad situation for you and DD. I can totally understand from my ex-mil behaviour. Couldnt give a damn about her GDC. Luckily my parents are great but it still hurts when any GPs dont appear to care

As a grandmother myself I am shocked there are grandparents out there who do not take an interest in their grandchildren or get them birthday and Xmas presents. Nothing you can do sadly except tell your daughter the truth. She will work it out herself anyway.

We have a similar dynamic with my DC grandparents ( 4 sets). I can count on one hand how many gifts any of the Grandparents have given to my Dc. They spent no time with the DC either. My older DC are 11 and we have just been honest with them and not tried to cover up anything. Obviously in a child friendly way! I think it makes it easier to accept when they know its not them but some people just dont appreciate family in the same way ect.
My children still upset about the lack of relationship with the extended family but we just hug them and renind them how much we love them.
We have found our own way to do things and celebrate christnas ect. We expect nothing and anything is a bonus.

I think you'll have to try to find a way to explain this to her that is appropriate for her age.

I think there is sometimes a pressure on parents to shield children from the truth of a dysfunctional dynamic within their family, but it's not always a good idea in practice.

Your daughter has already realised that something is different, I think it's better to give her an explanation that makes it clear it is her Grandparents fault, not hers.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I know it doesn't seem like it but there are other people out there in the same boat. You see them pop up on Mumsnet from time to time.

I had a friend when I was growing up in your daughters situation. Her Grandparents only valued boys, not girls, and she was basically ignored and given very cheap presents whereas her brother was lavished with attention and expensive gifts. It was hurtful but she came to understood they were weird limited people and it wasn't her problem.

I’m so sorry you and your daughter are having to go through this. My in-laws are exactly like this with our DD and it hurts DH so much. They never visit, have never baby sat, when we go to theirs they don’t interact with her and never have, presents are non existent and they’ve forgotten her birthday more than they have remembered it.

The final nail in the coffin for her was when she took her GCSE’s and they didn’t even ask how she’d done. She’s basically gone LC with them and stopped visiting them frankly I can’t blame her. She’ll be polite if they visit here (twice a year) but she won’t make an effort to be home if she knows they are coming.

What I’ve learnt over the years is, don’t take it personally some people just aren’t interested in their grandkids. Try not to be hurt by it, easier said than done!.

Don’t pretend to her that there is a relationship with them. For example try not to say things like ‘Your Grandparents are looking forward to seeing you’ because it’s pretty apparent they aren’t and she will realise it as soon as they come into contact. And I really hate to say it, teach her not to expect anything of them, they are who they are, and hopefully she won’t feel rejected by them as it’s not her fault.

It’s taken us a long time to come to terms with it, and frankly DH is never going to forgive them, but we can’t change them.

for you OP it’s very hard.

I just want to say that I really feel for you OP and I'm sorry that your parents are like this.

I like you try to bring my little boy up to understand values over money and not be materialistic but Christmas is always a time where it's difficult to escape the commercialism.

When I think about it, one of the biggest assurances in my life is knowing I have parents who would absolutely 100% give my son their last breath, their last minute and their last penny. That is reflected in their generosity at Christmas but I think that's only natural.

Hopefully your little girl takes comfort in the love and affection you and her dad have for her.

I am s sorry this is hard for you both.
Some people don't like children. I was shocked to discover when I was about your daughter's age that my mother was one of those people.

My parents were like this - they think that modern children are over indulged and so do not want to give anything. But strangely make an effort to send gifts to more distant relative children so they will appear generous! They have the view that they themselves had it "hard" and that is somehow "better"!
The important thing for me is not to be contaminated by this attitude.

I have a similar situation with the in-laws. Sadly I’ve grown cold towards them especially during the limited time we see them. I never cared about them buying my kids things I just wanted them to give them their time.

Totally sucks doesn’t it

I feel for you. Similar position here, except one side of the family is generous with gifts, time, effort, emotion and the other...isn't. It hurts me. DC too young to realise. I'll let them make up their own minds as they get older, and support them in the emotions that might bring. I can only facilitate a relationship. I can't make it better.

I have a one year old and her paternal grandparents show no interest at all. Worst thing is my husband keeps pushing it and pushing it then gets upset when they don't respond as he would like. I felt like it wasn't my place to say anything but as she gets older I won't have her put forward for this type of rejection. My own mum is dead which makes me even angrier because she would have loved grandkids. They sent some baby clothes for her first birthday and signed the card 'Best wishes' then just their names. It's extremely odd.

It's not about the presents OP or the money. It's the lack of affection and consideration. You are right to be upset.

Our grandparents had Ave never been interested really. No generous gifts like the children’s friends received. No childcare, no real interest.
I think the sooner you accept it as it is without judgment the better.
There is no compulsion for grandparents to be doting; they’ve raised their families. If they want involvement, it’s a bonus.
Ours (well husbands) are a bit more interested now the children are adults bizarrely. I can’t imagine not wanting to indulge any we have but equally we’re beginning to enjoy us time and us holidays again.

I had a very critical/negative paternal grandmother, it hurt a lot as she was very different with my cousin her daughter's child. I spent so many years thinking it was me that was the issue, that if I just tried harder or acted differently she would be less critical. What would have made a world of difference to me would have been someone telling me it wasn't my fault and that she was the one with the issue (didn't get this closure until years later with counciling). My advice is to be honest about the shitty situation with your DD reassuring her that she is not to blame and they are arseholes.

My mum is similar. Doesn't really give a shit about any of her 5 GC (7 if you include her step GC). But to be fair she never gave much of a shit about DSis or I do I'm not surprised. Saddened yeah, but not surprised. She'll certainly share a lot of posts on FB though. Not pics of the GC of course but those mushy "If your grandchildren mean the world to you...." type sharing shit.

I just tell my kids straight. Don't make them out to be nice people when they're not. No need to badmouth them but be honest.

DD(13) "Mum, when can I go stay at Gran's?"
Me: "You can't. Gran won't tidy a room for you because she doesn't want you to stay over."

(Mum "hoards" stuff and piles them in the spare room. They could easily be put away or on the other spare bed but it's a great excuse to not allow the GC over.)

No doubt on Christmas Day she'll turn up late at night when the kids will be almost in bed, with three Christmas cards, the glue still wet where she's just sealed them and a tenner chucked in each. Might even get a faux "I didn't know what to get them. This is better so they can get what they want."
Fab. So after I worked my arse off Christmas shopping for the kids, I get the pleasure of going back out with them after Christmas in tow and doing Granny's fucking present buying too.

Look both sets of my DD"s grandparents are the same as yours. It's really not worth hand wringing over. It's a life lesson. Some children get more than others.

Mine must have wondered over the years but I've taught them to be grateful for what they get.

OP I had grandparents like this growing up, they just were not interested in children, I suspect they only had children themselves because it’s what people do, certainly from what my mum had said as parents they were stingy and unempathetic.

I remember getting weird gifts like the free CDs that came with the newspaper or odd things from pound shops that weren’t really suitable for children.

I was always aware that other people had much closer relationships with their grandparents but it didn’t really have any affect on me other than showing me what kind of person I didn’t want to grow up to be.

Your poor DD. Instead of waiting to have the conversation about your parents with her maybe it would be best to broach the subject now?

There is no compulsion for grandparents to be doting; they’ve raised their families.
I see this sentiment a lot on MN & I find it equally sad & weird. Grandparents/grandkids are each other’s family. They’ve raised their children but a family is more than just parent/child.

Unfortunately you can't "shield her from it " as you said. This is how life pans out sometimes. I'm a grandmother and I'm very close to my DGCs, but my ex husband, their grandfather, is distant and cold towards all his grandchildren. Like you, my son expressed recently that he was devastated on his children's behalf, that their grandfather couldn't care less about them. I had a talk to them , since I felt really bad that I had , by marrying him, managed to inflict this man on them as their grandfather ( IYWWIM). I explained that some people are very loving towards their families, but some are lazy and just don't bother. I said that it's nothing to do with them, and everything to do with him. And that he is the one who is missing out on good family times.

I know it's hurtful to kids if their family members are not loving, but it takes all kinds and you can't change your parents. Good luck.

It's a shame some grandparents are like this. I cannot fathom not adoring my own grandchildren one day in the distant future. My own grandmothers doted on DSis and I. One grandad did too. (We don't speak of the other grandad). Granny had 5 kids and 10 grandkids and each one was loved and cherished by her. She was a great mum too and it saddens me to think she would be very upset that her Daughter (my mum) was so indifferent to being a mum/grandma.

Op why do you call your grandparents your parents parents?.. Sounds really odd.

We don't get lots from gp at all and one set is also dead... I've realised (years ago) no other family member will spoil my dc except me really. That included when 1st dd was younger lots of free toys. Sometimes every gift was second hand due to finances but she still had a good amount of gifts.

Op I think you have to look at your own childhood through 3rd person glasses.

They sound awful and treating your dB different too.

We have a little more than money now and I feel with all the years of using second hand toys when they were tiny we have someone slack now to buy, not into plastic but I spoil them. We don't through out the year...

I'd make that tiny bit more effort present wise where for others they do have family to step in.. Just maybe 4 gifts?

Lush bath bombs... Harry Potter boots golden Snitch bath bomb...

Books, necklace... Story cd, clothes, sprocket, plant for bedroom, day out vouchers... Lots of things that have nothing to do with environment... Fluffy rug bedroom, new bedroom decor etc.

I fuss mine. Life is over in a flash

BTW you don't have to explain anything to her expect that people are different and just fade them out... Laugh with her about your childhood with them...
Say some people do different things....

There's no need to sit her down and say your gp are shit...

I would buy your child a present on the Grandparent's behalf and let them know you have done so and the reason why.

This should shame them and if not at least shield your child from feeling neglected.

Wow that’s absolutely shocking! Poor you and dd. To be honest they sound like an utter waste of space! They sound very selfish.

As you say, it’s not about money. The fact they rarely see her is awful. Thank goodness she has a wonderful mum in you. She doesn’t need them.

I didn’t have any grandparents really when I was a child, both nanas died before I was 10 and one was lovely (although passed away when I was 6) and the other was a cow from what I can remember. Moany miserable old goat.

I had 2 granddads, one who busted weekly buy had another family who he prioritised and the other grandad I wouldn’t have known him if I feel over him. Utter waste of space that made no effort at all and I wouldn’t even bother stopping at his grave if I walked passed it, he was a stranger

Fast forward several years and my man never met my DC as she passed away. My dad was very selfish and only recently had started to want to see my children. 12,8. I think he’s realising that material things mean nothing and he’ll die a lovey old man probably quite soon. My kids don’t care either way..... there’s no bond there. His loss.

Their dads side, well his mums a psycho.... but his dad and step mum have been a god send. I am very close to them as are DC despite gramma not being biological. Who cares? She’s been there through thick and thin and has known them their entire lives.

What I’m saying is, albeit long windedly.... is that its their loss. You’re dd will grow up have a lovely liver and a family of her own and you can be there for her and your grandchildren.

When one of them passes away they’ll soon start seeing their lives flash before them and wonder if they could have done better. And yes they could have.... Shame on them.

Good luck to your little family and sod that selfish pair!

Ps it’s tight as anything to get your one and only grandchild a dvd only for Christmas!!!! Shocking like!!!!