Mean Grandparents

[Spoldge45]

Hi,

This is my first ever post & I was really hoping to get some advice, regarding my parents and the way are with my daughter.

I'm 40 and have one child, my daughter who is 10. She is my parents only grandchild and this situation is unlikely to change.

Ever since she was born my parents never showed any interest in her, never came to visit, never babysat, never made an effort on birthdays/xmas etc...I have found this very hard to cope with over the years, but eventually after many years I accepted that they will never change and got on with my life, but as my daughter is getting older (she will be 11 in February) and I am finding it increasingly difficult to 'shield' her from this situation.

I always worry about this in the run up to xmas, but this year I can feel myself getting very down & anxious about it. On Monday my daughter was invited to a friends after school and the next day, she told me that her friend already had lots of presents under their tree and that apparently they were all from the child's grandparents. This made my heart sink, I'm not a materialistic person at all, we have always brought our daughter up to believe that Christmas is about family & we donate to the local foodbank & I consider myself very to be Eco conscious and we have brought my daughter a 2nd hand Fitbit and a 2nd hand Lego set as presents from ourselves this year, partly for costs reasons, but also I'm trying to be more environmentally aware, but despite this, when my daughter told me about her friends grandparents and that she had seen all of these presents, it really hurt & I could see the realisation over my daughters face, that her grandparents are 'different' and not in a particularly nice way. My parents don't make an effort at Christmas and all the time my daughter was young, she didn't fully realise this & we could 'brush it off' and so it didn't really have an impact, but she has grown up so much in the last year and I'm worried that this year I wont be able to hide their insensitivity. It is isn't just about money at all, the one present they do give to my daughter each year is often very thoughtless, for example last year they got my daughter a book but the book was in a series and they got her number 3 of 7, so it made no sense, unless you had read the other 2! The Christmas before, I asked if they could get her the greatest showman dvd as she loves this film and I knew it was only £10 in Tesco's at the time, so I felt safe to suggest this as it was fairly inexpensive, and they did actually buy it for her, but they decided not to give it to her as they wanted to 'hold it over for her birthday'?? I was gobsmacked. Instead they got some plastic gimmicky glasses which have just sat at the bottom of her cupboard ever since.

I wouldn't care if they didn't buy my daughter anything, but if they came around & played board games with her and interacted, this would be creating happy memories which she would remember, but they have never done this and I now dread their cheap and thoughtless present on Boxing Day.

My daughter isn't materialistic either, but obviously like any child she likes to receive presents! and we try to make it special for her, I just wondered if anyone has any advice on how to handle this issue I have never in my 10 years of parenting ever met someone else in the same situation and so have never had anyone to discuss this with. My husbands parents are both no longer with us, they passed many years ago and this seams to magnify the situation as my parents are her only grandparents.

Not that its at all relevant, but I just wanted to add, my parents are not in any sort of financial hardship, if they were I wouldn't want or expect them to get my daughter anything. They live very comfortably in a 4 bedroom house, both their parents are sadly deceased, one recently and they both inherited sizeable amount following this. I don't want this to be about money, but just wanted to illustrate how it is even harder for me to explain their apparent and I hate to use this word, but I cant this of anything else for it 'stingyness'.

If anyone could offer any advice on how to handle this or has had a similar experience I would be very grateful.

Thanks Bel xx

I can't ever remember having anything from my GP's. They lived in Ireland. We lived in Wales. I can't ever remember seeing them.

I have my GC for their parents to work. I see both sets at least twice a week.

However, my sister doesn't see her GC. Her DD refused to have anything to do with her when she married her second husband. He's a lovely bloke. DSis is not allowed to see her GC. She sends £10 to each of the 4 GC for birthdays and Christmas. Not once have her GC called to say 'Thank you' or called or visited to see how she is. Her GC are 20, 18 17 and 15. Not once, since she remarried - 17 years ago - has she received a birthday or Christmas card from her dd or GC. Her DD is always eager to tell anyone who will listen how her mother only gives her DC £10 each for Christmas.

Families come in all shapes and sizes.

It doesn't take much for a child to pick up on stuff. They kinda get there all by themselves. Some grandparents shower gifts, some give their time, some are not good at either. It's hard, it's hurtful but it's life. My Dad has not given my kids a gift at Christmas for ten years or more. It was hard when they questioned it at a young age but I said grandad is a bit rubbish at the gifts thing and they were ok with that.

Visited weekly* not busted 🙄

I think, since your DD is coming fast into levels of understanding that she didn't previously have, that your best bet would be to just explain to her that her grandparents just aren't very good at their role.

Explain that some kids don't have any grandparents at all, and it's probably better for her to consider that she is in the same situation, as she might as well be given their horribly negligent attitude towards her!

The council scheme sounds like a good one to get involved with - and will benefit someone else as well as your DD - suggest it to her, see how she feels.

And in all honesty I would go at least LC with your totally undeserving parents. They're not interested in you or your DD, so they don't deserve that you should be bothered with them.

I'm very much NOT of the opinion that Faaaaammly matters over everything - people only get back what they dish out, and your parents haven't given much of anything, so why bother?

But don't try and sugar coat it for your DD too much - she might as well start to learn that some people are just arseholes and there's not a lot anyone else can do about it!

I grew up with grandparents a bit like this. However there were several of us grandkids but we were treated according to who our parents were (i.e kids of the favourite got the most presents, chastised the least and so on down the line to the least favourite). My brother and I eventually figured it out on our own and I remember asking one christmas why did x and y get so many more presents than us (we always did christmas together so we would always see what everyone got). My parents brushed it off with 'oh they're also opening presents from their other grandparents.' We sussed it out on our own and while it did hurt, we were never keen on them anyway so didn't feel any big loss. We realised they were quite flawed people and we weren't the only ones to be treated this way so it wasn't personal.

Does your daughter have a relationship with other grandparents? We were lucky our other grandparents were never big showers of affection or present buyers, but they were always quietly there for us and we loved visiting and doing things like playing dominos and baking with them. Still some of my favourite memories.

I don't know what to advise, depends how mature your daughter is but just emphasise it's not personal and that grandparents are all different. Hopefully you can find other ways to fill that grandparent role

I dread my children one day realising this too. My PIL are really stingy despite having plenty of money. Last year they asked what our daughter (5, almost 6 at the time) wanted for xmas, she said she would like to buy herself a jumper so we told them that.... they gave her $10 in a card 'to go towards a nice jumper'. For his second birthday our 2 year old got a cheap book from them, our eldest never even got a 1st birthday present (unless you count the free mini cricket bat my MIL got from her work) as they 'hadn't had a chance to get anything'.

My own sister happily accepts presents for her kids while never even doing anything for my own kids for xmas and birthday, this is the first xmas that my daughter has mentioned it by wondering what she might get from her cousins while we were talking about what we were getting her cousins.

We are not materialistic at all either but I do feel a bit sad for when my kids realise that what we give out is not what we get back, including time spent doing things for the PIL that they ask for but never reciprocate on.

My DC (14 & 11) have accepted that one set of GP's don't make much effort with them and aren't generous. They don't particularly like it, but that's the way it is.

The sad thing is that the GP's have missed out on bonding with their GC, because they don't really know them. Spending more time with them earlier would've made all the difference to their relationship - now my DC simply aren't that bothered about their GP, they're closer to other adults (like family friends) who did make an effort.

I think its just so hard because society leads you to believe that GP's are these loving, caring, giving people who adore their grandchildren and this makes it so much harder.

This. Explaining some people are shite out of choice is bloody difficult, let alone a child.

I take the cowardly way and say they're old and probably ill ie often in pain and not at their best. You can also try 'Just like some people aren't clever, some people aren't good at relationships' or 'Some people aren't good people to be around'.

Well done on the Lego. Sounds lovely.

OP could you buy your DD some nice underwear, a books, chocolates she likes, things she might enjoy and wrap them up as Christmas gifts to go with the two gifts you have bought her. People don’t need to give their DC plastic tat but you could make an effort to make Christmas nice for her.

If you lived in a country where DC didn’t receive gifts for Christ your DD wouldn’t notice, but she must be disappointed every Christmas when she sees how her friend is treated.

I would tell my DD her GPs have never been very generous and not to expect anything from them.

*Christmas

You are probably much more sensitive to the situation than your daughter, I expect she will grow up knowing her GPs are stingy and, because of their lack of interest, won't have a close relationship with them. She won't know any different. While that is sad, her relationship with you and your dh is far more important to her and how secure she feels. Shielding her is not a good idea and is not realistic longterm.

My inlaws are also very stingy with regard to presents (particularly for their grandchildren) whereas my parents are exceptionally generous. My kids just accept that, as do we. For the record, my inlaws are financially very comfortable, so it is not that. My mil is known for being tight and she seems to control the pursestrings.

@Sillyotter OP's daughter only has one set of grandparents.

I am an only child but have seen the favouritsm you are talking about in families and how it leaks down the generations - it makes me really uncomfortable. My dh is one of four and two are 'favoured' and two are not (dh is not). The siblings joke about it together (not in front of their parents) but I think that despite the humour it must hurt. I hate it.

Have you spoken to them about it OP? What do they say? If what you say is correct, they can hardly justify themselves. Is it possible they are on the spectrum? Only reason I’m suggesting this is because they sound very much like my DHs mother. The way she acts is inexplicably inappropriate. Very stingy, with both time and money. Doesn’t seem to care much about anyone else, chatters away but always about herself, never puts herself out for anyone. She has five sisters and her and another two are autistic. Only found this out after being continually puzzled for years about how odd they were.

She’s going to realise at some point op. I think it effects you more than it’ll effect her. They are your parents and you are hurt at their disinterest, it’s also possible their behaviour is dragging up childhood feelings in yourself.
Having been in this situation, I can assure you that your DD’s world revolves around her parents, not her GP. She may have a moment of realisation that her GP aren’t that interested, but it will be short lived, as long as she knows how loved and important she is in your eyes. Presents are a red herring here.

@Spoldge45- you are not alone. My situation is different but I've been through the same hurt and upset you're currently going through re: what will your child think about their shitty grandparents. My husbands parents are toxic narcissists and he has a very strained relationship with them. Everything is to be blamed on others- they're angels. I have a 15 month old toddler and just the MIL has been around to visit him when her was under 2 months old for a grand total of 3 times. No one else in the family wanted to see him. This is their only grandchild. My husband is their only son. My son's birthday came and went and MIL rang a week later to wish him a belated happy birthday- she knew when it was, she just decided to call when she felt like it. I've spent hours, weeks and months wondering what my son's life will be like without extended family (mine's a b*tch too) but I'd rather he had genuine, loving and caring people around him than arseholes like he has on both sides of the family. Your parents are what they are. Best to focus on your daughter and shower her with as much love and praise and affection as you can because that's not guaranteed from anyone else in this world, sadly.

Wow @DillyDilly - do you think it is your function on this earth to be as unpleasant as you possibly can? If so, then you have succeeded.

OP - forgot to say, good on you for buying second hand gifts for your daughter. I try to buy second hand as much as possible, and I have a friend who would much rather have something pre-loved than new as a gift (as would I).

The important thing is for you and your daughter to know that it is nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn't do to displease them. It is entirely about them being grinchy.

It’s rubbish. We are in the same boat. Both DHs parents are dead. I’m NC with my Mum as she is a horrible person and emotionally abusive. My Dad well last time I saw him was in May, I think he’s coming up at Christmas, he’ll give the DC a tenner each which is kind of fine but he isn’t interested in them, all he will talk about is stuff that happens to him in the pub (he doesn’t even drink) or tell you irrelevant stories about people you don’t know. He will be desperate to get away back to the pub again. He probably knows nothing about the DC, couldn’t tell you where I work etc.

There is no compulsion for grandparents to be doting; they’ve raised their families.

I also find this sad and I would feel very hurt if I was the OP. My parents are unable to look after my baby daughter due to my Dad being a full time career for my mum plus they aren't the type to regular shower her with presents as they can't afford to.

BUT they show their love for her every time we visit with cuddles and they are always interested in her development. They have only bought her one Christmas present but have put a lot of thought into it.

OP ignore dilly, I've brought 2nd hand things for dd as presents. Why waste money when they work exactly same. My dm 3 years ago this xmas, she was a massive part of our lives. I still have my dad and luckily he loves his granddaughters and wants to spend time with them. I totally get it's not the present/money thing with your dd, but about time and thought. My dad spoils my dd by making cakes with her and reading and cuddles.

My in laws are awful. Went 2 years without seeing my dd and when they do they do they seem to have a major disaster right before the visit and mil just sulks. Usually about money. My partners real mum committed suicide when he was 10, his stepmother has always been a bit cold towards him. She definitely priorities her biological grandchild. Even though shes been in my dh life since he was 12. I feel sad for my dh as even when he was very poorly with a hole in his heart, went blind innon eye and lost his memory they didnt bother. They live an hour away. Now my dd says both my grans are in heaven, and kisses thier photos.

My childrens grandparents are the same. They dont spend time with them, nor generally buy them things. I agree it is hurtful. Shes bound to realise sooner or later at how different her relationship with grandparents is, compared to other peoples. I would love for my girls to have a strong bond with grandparents. But as it stands I genuinely dont think they'd be too bothered when they pass on. Some Grandparents seem to forget that they need to invest time and energy into making good relationships with grandchildren, it doesn't just happen. Also she'll realise what a wonderful a relationship she has with you, when she compares you to other peoples mothers.

Every normal.is different - i certainly didn't have a pile of presents from my gps and neither do my dds now.
I think you need to seperate the present issue from the presence issue.
Your dd can be told that they don't really do presents or if they do they are a bit rubbish- that is fine and normal to lots of other people have this too. As others have said if a pile is an important part of the Christmas experience you want for your dd it falls to you to bulk out her gifts not expect gps to do this.

The presence is harder - they are just not interested it seems. That is part of the normal range too. You dd needs to know and be told now that it's not her - it's them - they are old fuddy duddy and stuck in their ways - we leave them to live their life how they want it and they are too old to change. We already are a family and happy. There are lots of different normal out there - you can mitigate the effect if the normal you are in isn't how you would want things to be.

OP I had grandparents like this growing up, they just were not interested in children, I suspect they only had children themselves because it’s what people do

I agree that some people had kids just to 'fit in' to what society expected of them.

Have you ever had counseling to help deal with the legacy of your parents' parenting of you, @Spoldge45.

Sometimes the things our parents do or say, or don't do or say, to our children can hurt us deeply because we have not been able to get past wounds they inflicted on us as children.

I would be inclined to sit your DD down and tell her your parents are as a pp said, weird and limited people, and reassure her that their coldness isn't her fault, they treat everyone like that.