Mean Grandparents

[Spoldge45]

Hi,

This is my first ever post & I was really hoping to get some advice, regarding my parents and the way are with my daughter.

I'm 40 and have one child, my daughter who is 10. She is my parents only grandchild and this situation is unlikely to change.

Ever since she was born my parents never showed any interest in her, never came to visit, never babysat, never made an effort on birthdays/xmas etc...I have found this very hard to cope with over the years, but eventually after many years I accepted that they will never change and got on with my life, but as my daughter is getting older (she will be 11 in February) and I am finding it increasingly difficult to 'shield' her from this situation.

I always worry about this in the run up to xmas, but this year I can feel myself getting very down & anxious about it. On Monday my daughter was invited to a friends after school and the next day, she told me that her friend already had lots of presents under their tree and that apparently they were all from the child's grandparents. This made my heart sink, I'm not a materialistic person at all, we have always brought our daughter up to believe that Christmas is about family & we donate to the local foodbank & I consider myself very to be Eco conscious and we have brought my daughter a 2nd hand Fitbit and a 2nd hand Lego set as presents from ourselves this year, partly for costs reasons, but also I'm trying to be more environmentally aware, but despite this, when my daughter told me about her friends grandparents and that she had seen all of these presents, it really hurt & I could see the realisation over my daughters face, that her grandparents are 'different' and not in a particularly nice way. My parents don't make an effort at Christmas and all the time my daughter was young, she didn't fully realise this & we could 'brush it off' and so it didn't really have an impact, but she has grown up so much in the last year and I'm worried that this year I wont be able to hide their insensitivity. It is isn't just about money at all, the one present they do give to my daughter each year is often very thoughtless, for example last year they got my daughter a book but the book was in a series and they got her number 3 of 7, so it made no sense, unless you had read the other 2! The Christmas before, I asked if they could get her the greatest showman dvd as she loves this film and I knew it was only £10 in Tesco's at the time, so I felt safe to suggest this as it was fairly inexpensive, and they did actually buy it for her, but they decided not to give it to her as they wanted to 'hold it over for her birthday'?? I was gobsmacked. Instead they got some plastic gimmicky glasses which have just sat at the bottom of her cupboard ever since.

I wouldn't care if they didn't buy my daughter anything, but if they came around & played board games with her and interacted, this would be creating happy memories which she would remember, but they have never done this and I now dread their cheap and thoughtless present on Boxing Day.

My daughter isn't materialistic either, but obviously like any child she likes to receive presents! and we try to make it special for her, I just wondered if anyone has any advice on how to handle this issue I have never in my 10 years of parenting ever met someone else in the same situation and so have never had anyone to discuss this with. My husbands parents are both no longer with us, they passed many years ago and this seams to magnify the situation as my parents are her only grandparents.

Not that its at all relevant, but I just wanted to add, my parents are not in any sort of financial hardship, if they were I wouldn't want or expect them to get my daughter anything. They live very comfortably in a 4 bedroom house, both their parents are sadly deceased, one recently and they both inherited sizeable amount following this. I don't want this to be about money, but just wanted to illustrate how it is even harder for me to explain their apparent and I hate to use this word, but I cant this of anything else for it 'stingyness'.

If anyone could offer any advice on how to handle this or has had a similar experience I would be very grateful.

Thanks Bel xx

We're in this position and I find it v hard. My dad does the big xmas with his new wife and her grown up children now, but had never been interested in my children.

I had a doting nan and aunt and it makes me sad that my children don't have that at all. We live in a v.w/c area where most children have family nearby, and family that are interested to the extent they kight do school runs/sleepovers/days out, so I find it v noticable.

Id also like to have a "big family" xmas or birthday and its always just us. I am so tired and low often it would be so nice to have close fmaily to share the time with.

It's tough OP. My kids have three sets of grandparents and they do send gifts but actually that helps them to hide their lack of interest.

In laws will ask what the kids want and Amazon it to us. No phone calls to the kids though. Very rare for them to visit us (both healthy, one drives for a living). Never ask about the kids, but post stuff on Facebook about how wonderful being a grandparent is

My DM and husband are slightly better in that they occasionally make an effort but it's still largely one way. At Christmas we probably won't see them because they're unwilling to meet us half way whilst we're driving between other relatives and fitting everything in. Again, healthy adults who are capable of driving, they just can't be bothered.

My DF and his wife live abroad. They send money over for birthdays and Christmas but 50% of the time they forget. Phone calls are pretty much non existent except when they want something. They know nothing about the kids.

In a way, I think in your situation the gifts help your child to understand who they are. Mine get the gifts but they're pretty meaningless, a token gesture that is supposed to cover up their Grandparents' lack of interest.

Would explain to your DD about your parents as soon as possible, she’s noticed what they’re like so makes sense. And consider how much contact, given how they have been and are, you and she should have with them.

Easy to remind DD that people have different circumstances, without using any terms like “spoiled”.

On your parents’ treatment of you as a DC there are good reading recommendations on the Stately Homes threads in the relationships board.

This is really sad for your daughter. Have you ever challenged them about their behaviour and lack of affection to your daughter?

I am a nanny and love spending time and money on my grandchildren. Even though I have raised my family, grandchildren are such a gift and should be treasured and loved.

I would imagine that your parents had no love growing up unfortunately and their attitudes come from their own upbringing.

Your daughter no doubt is starting to realise that her grandparents are not like her friends' grandparents. She may be upset for a while, especially at Christmas, but I am sure she has so much love in her life already that it won't spoil her Christmas.

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.

People don’t change and you can’t force them to care. It comes the time you just need to accept that’s how it is.

Your DD is fine, she will not be expecting them to give her anything if they have never been part of her life. This is just the right time to tell her that although some people are very close to their grandparents, it is not on your case. Make sure you mention this is not about her but that they are just very distant.

I would say that at 10, they have missed the window to become an active part of their life. Si no need to flog a dead horse, they have already missed it.

I had the same situation with my paternal grandfather, we only saw him once every few years and honestly.., you can’t miss what you don’t know.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to really offer an explanation. I'm sure your daughter is well aware there are many different types of families and that family relationships are different for everyone.

My DC have many friends where they see their grandparents all the time (at least once a week, normally more) and their grandparents are almost like second parents. My DC see their grandparents a couple of times a year. They have other friends who never see their grandparents at all for a variety of reasons. This can best be summarised as "every family is different".

My mum is only interested in younger children, as evidenced by her pretty much ignoring her own children (me and my siblings) once we got to about 10. She's repeated the pattern with my own children, who are now teenagers, so they've had to cope with having a grandparent who doted on them when they were small, to one they now scarcely see. At least your parents are being consistent!!

Mine are the same. I'm approaching 20 now so couldn't care less because I've realised they are not nurturing people and probably shouldn't have had kids themselves. Thankfully my great gps made up for them being so crap

I think your daughter is old enough to speak to about this. I wouldn't cover for them or make excuses. I'd tell her the truth that you dont know why they are like that and it hurts.
My kids have 2 sets of grandparents. One set (my in laws) are like yours. They give them one gift, never spend time with them alone. We visit every week and the kids are expected to sit in silence whilst the adults talk. Their grandparents know nothing about their lives or their interests.
Their other grandparents (my parents) are the opposite. They shower them with love and attention. They also spoil them with lots of gifts which makes the differences even more obvious. My 8 year old has asked me why they are so different. I try to use the situation as something that the child can learn from. We talk about how it makes us feel and that we wouldn't do that to people we love as it's hurtful. And we also talk about how being spoilt is not good either.i hope you and your daughter have a lovely Xmas

Can you not explain to her that different families do different things, and that the number/type of gifts from her grandparents don't reflect their love for her in any way?

you will have to suck it up thats the way it is for you. Lots of people dont have grandparents to give them presents if that is your only worry in life then your doing ok.

It amazes me how people expect life to be perfect and have no problems. There are hundreds and thousands of people across the world without family. Life goes on.

I get you OP...I have spoken before on many threads like this and my dds grandparents on her dads side are like this.But unlike yours these grandparents lie.They say to anyone who will listen about how much they love my dd yet have only seen her 4 times in 8 years.They do not even know her! They never ring to see how she is doing or enquire about her nothing zilch! Last week a family member from their side called round and said as myself and my dh were working at christmas we wouldnt have time to go down to their house so this said relative was driving up here 200 miles to collect our gifts and take them down to them all...they then asked if there was anything they wanted to send up for my dd for christmas.They had indeed bought a gift this year of a sweet cone...(a fking sweet cone ugh) but the grandparents said no she couldnt have it because we werent going and it would stay there til we went to collect it...mean ,nasty stingy shits they are.Well the present and them can stay there til hell freees over for me.Those sweets will be inedible all £!.00s worth of them before I go there again! $ holidays abroad every year and thats the best they can do ..and then trying to hold us to ransom..err no way no more.My daughter has no interest in them because they didnt want to know and didnt care well they will learn this works both ways ..so whilst they post how dear to them my dds for attention I ignore.Thing is they are loosing out on the best times ever with a fantastic,warm funny joyful little girl ...I guess its their loss.

'There is no compulsion for grandparents to be doting; they’ve raised their families.'

Grandchildren ARE your family, they are your immediate family even... I'm utterly baffler by why people would go to all the trouble and cost of having and raising kids if they specifically didn't want grandchildren.

Like why even have kids if you are just going to disown them at adulthood and act like them and their kids dont exist?