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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child handover arrangement

80 replies

Choice4567 · 17/12/2019 20:45

So these sorts of issues have been rumbling along for about 4 years now between exH and I regarding DD. We have no formal agreement in place regarding contact, but for the last 3 years ex had her 2 nights a week and every other weekend. In the summer he got a new job and moved 150 miles north. He now sees DD once a month.

Over Christmas as previously arranged I'm having her over Christmas, and she goes to his Boxing Day. He's now refusing to come to mine to pick her up, saying his family time with his new girlfriend is just as important as my family time, so I should meet him halfway.

I don't particular want to argue over whose family time is 'precious'. However I do think that if he chose to move 150 miles away it's up to him to make the journey on Boxing Day

I really can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not. He has a tendency to just tell me what's happening and assume I'll fall in line

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 17/12/2019 20:47

Nope he moved away and drastically reduced his time with your dd. How the Hell is ‘family time’ with someone he’s fucking as important as the time he spends with his dd. Prick

NoBloodyElvesHere · 17/12/2019 20:55

I'm having similar issues with my ex over Christmas arrangements - if he wants to see his child, he can pick up and drop off!

Original poster
Choice4567 · 17/12/2019 21:00

Thank you both. Makes me feel much better about saying no to his plan of meeting half way. My main thought is the same, if he wants to see her he needs to come and get her. On the other hand I worry that if I say that, at the other end of the holidays he'll say if I want her back I'll have to go and get her

OP posts:
OrangeTwirlGate · 17/12/2019 21:02

You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

He chose to move that far away so he must suffer the commute.

Stand your ground.

StinkyXmasCheese · 17/12/2019 21:03

Tbh I'd agree just this once to save arguments over Xmas. Make it clear it's a one off tho.

1Morewineplease · 17/12/2019 21:07

Might it be wise to get some legal advice? Did he have to move?
It’s not a great position for you daughter or you but it would be best to find out where you all stand.
You may have to rethink all of your legal obligations.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 17/12/2019 21:07

My worry is @StinkyXmasCheese that if I agree to this just once it'll be a slippery slope and he'll use it as 'well you did on Boxing Day.'

OP posts:
Original poster
Choice4567 · 17/12/2019 21:11

@1Morewineplease no he didn't have to move at all. He decided to get a new job. And even if he felt like he HAD to get a new job, there were plenty that were closer.

I think you're right though, in general I do need to get some legal advice. Unfortunately can't do that before boxing day

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 17/12/2019 21:13

YANBU. Most dads worth their salt would move heaven and earth to see their kids at Christmas. If he didn’t want to travel he shouldn’t have moved away. Don’t budge. You don’t need legal advice.

Glovesick · 17/12/2019 21:14

Stand your ground. If he wants to see DD, he needs to make some sacrifices.

Livelovebehappy · 17/12/2019 21:26

This is so common. Why do dads choose to move miles away without thinking through the consequences? And I’m guessing he is going to complain a lot more about the monthly trip now a girlfriend is on the scene. I would definitely dig your heels in on this because I think it’s going to be a pretty regular whinge and you want to make it clear that as he chose to move to the other side of the country then he does the trip.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 17/12/2019 21:31

Oh you lovely lot are making me feel so much better. He often has a whinge about wanting to change weekends around or times. He always seems to think he can tell me what's happening and I have to follow what he says. He's always so surprised when I don't agree to his plans that I start to doubt whether I'm right

OP posts:
YouFellAsleeep · 17/12/2019 21:41

How far away did he used to live and what where the arrangements before? It was his choice to move away so the most I’d be prepared to travel would be the distance of previous arrangements.

cadburyegg · 17/12/2019 21:48

YANBU! What a tool.

And I hope he is paying more maintenance now DD only goes once a month

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 17/12/2019 21:51

Does she want to go? The only reason I’d agree is if she desperately wants to go. Otherwise I’d say, as others suggest, if you want her come and get her.

I’m assuming he won’t refuse to bring her back as , presumably, he’s got his oh so important stuff to do.

carly2803 · 17/12/2019 21:55

let him winge!

he moved = he does the travelling.

hes taking the piss. dont give in else this will set the bar for every other occasion

does he travel once a month?

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 17/12/2019 22:01

I wouldn't agree to this in a million years. Tell him to let you know what time he plans to arrive and you'll understand if he can't make it then don't respond again.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 17/12/2019 22:04

@YouFellAsleeep he used to live 3 miles away! So it's a huge difference

@carly2803 he does travel once a month yes. But he's been muttering about all sorts of plans and ways to get me to meet him or get other people to take her so he doesn't have to

OP posts:
StealthMama · 17/12/2019 22:43

No way he chose to move and knew the consequences on seeing dd when he chose to do so.

I don't know how old dd is but I would also be asking what he plans to do with her, ie how much time she spends in a car travelling as it will have an impact on her wellbeing too xx

madcatladyforever · 17/12/2019 22:47

Sorry but all this travelling is ridiculous at Xmas. Why don't you do alternate Xmas. You have DD this year all Xmas and he has next year otherwise it's very disruptive.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 07:29

Well I said no because it was his choice to move away. He's replied that seeing as it was my choice to end the marriage I have to meet him half way

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 07:33

Just keep saying no. He can’t make you get in the car and drive can he?
If he wants to see her he can come and get her.

DeathStare · 18/12/2019 07:38

On the other hand I worry that if I say that, at the other end of the holidays he'll say if I want her back I'll have to go and get her

Have a plan in place so that if this happens you actually can go and get her. Then if it does, send him a solicitor's letter saying that if he does that again you will be stopping contact until there is an agreement that he returns her as arranged.

DeathStare · 18/12/2019 07:39

Well I said no because it was his choice to move away. He's replied that seeing as it was my choice to end the marriage I have to meet him half way

Just keep saying no. Don't enter into a debate or a discussion as to why. Just keep saying "That won't be possible"

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 18/12/2019 07:41

How old is DD? just wondering of she is old enough to travel on the train herself if there is no train switching involved and he can pick her up at the train station. If not then it is up to him to come to you to pick her up.

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