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Original poster

Child handover arrangement

80 replies

Choice4567 · 17/12/2019 20:45

So these sorts of issues have been rumbling along for about 4 years now between exH and I regarding DD. We have no formal agreement in place regarding contact, but for the last 3 years ex had her 2 nights a week and every other weekend. In the summer he got a new job and moved 150 miles north. He now sees DD once a month.

Over Christmas as previously arranged I'm having her over Christmas, and she goes to his Boxing Day. He's now refusing to come to mine to pick her up, saying his family time with his new girlfriend is just as important as my family time, so I should meet him halfway.

I don't particular want to argue over whose family time is 'precious'. However I do think that if he chose to move 150 miles away it's up to him to make the journey on Boxing Day

I really can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not. He has a tendency to just tell me what's happening and assume I'll fall in line

OP posts:
wineandroses1 · 18/12/2019 19:12

He sounds like a lazy, entitled bastard. RandomMess has it spot on - he’s massively reduced his parenting and expects you to pick up the slack so I’d tell him he does the travelling.

twinnywinny14 · 18/12/2019 19:15

Who suffers here? Your child, so I would suck it up and take her, she deserves at least one of her parents to support her relationship with her father. Yes he should make the effort but if he won’t then surely she deserves you to help her maintain contact with him

Purpleartichoke · 18/12/2019 19:18

If he was moved by the military or he absolutely could not find local employment and was forced to move, then it might be fair for you to cover at least some travel. If he just chose to live away from his child, then morally, he should cover all travel time and expense.

Sotiredofthislife · 18/12/2019 19:18

Or alternatively the father can suck it up and ensure he maintains a relationship as the child’s father

Sure. But believe me the satisfaction in your children knowing their father, what he is and isn’t capable of, is worth the annoyance and the effort. Moreover, the ex never gets the chance to turn it around on you and your children are secure in the knowledge that at least one of their parents was capable of putting them first.

RandomMess · 18/12/2019 19:18

The issue with helping this once, it will be become expected, then if it becomes "established", he can request it as part of a CO as it will be keeping the status quo. Are you prepared to do this every contact for the next 10 years?

RandomMess · 18/12/2019 19:23

On his monthly weekend is he going to expect you to spend Friday and Sunday evening driving to meet him half way, oh and then over half way and sometimes the whole way because for some reason it would be fair and reasonable if you did it all sometimes.

Just be careful that this isn't him paving the way...

HanginWithMyGnomies · 18/12/2019 19:23

@Choice4567 we used to travel 128 miles each way to collect my exes children (when they lived with their mum) after SHE moved away. That was EOW because seeing them was important. He’s a tool, let him travel!

HanginWithMyGnomies · 18/12/2019 19:26

Just RTFT meeting at the shopping centre is perfectly reasonable and if that the compromise for your DD, so be it. He’s got a nerve though.

Cheeseboardcriminal · 18/12/2019 19:46

My ex moved 250 miles away a couple of years ago. I have never done the journey and I have no intentions of doing so.

He moved on a whim after breaking up with the latest in a string of girlfriends after me. His choice, he suffers the consequences.

MeridianB · 18/12/2019 19:51

Op, just thinking this through, I bet he will make a BIG thing of you ‘reneging on an arrangement’ if you do it this once then refuse - more pressure and confrontation.

It’s also not great for DD to be handed over at an industrial estate or service station.

Once he expects it and then makes a huge fuss when you refuse, there will inevitably be times when it is disruptive for you. It also won’t be cheap for you.

He moved out of choice, so he collects. Don’t let him guilt you into any ‘new’ arrangement that you will never get out of and is purely designed to his advantage.

mineofuselessinformation · 18/12/2019 19:55

You do realise that if you give in this time you will be expected to do it again, don't you?
He won't take it as a one-off, so stay firm.
I do meet xh less than half way, but we both moved, so it's fair in my view.

Starlight456 · 18/12/2019 20:03

It amazes me if I rp wants to move away , nrp can take them to court and prevent the move to maintain relationship with nrp. Yet the nrp can move anywhere and then have the nerve to expect even more from Rp.

It’s about time the nrp stepped up not had there inadequacies hid from kids by rp doing even more

CheshireChat · 19/12/2019 11:03

Starlight456 actually that's a really good point- why can't the RP block an unnecessary move to prevent their child from having to waste their time stuck on long trips?

Original poster
Choice4567 · 19/12/2019 11:57

I really really don't think he thought it through. He thought it was a fantastic opportunity for himself and then bought a house and got there and thought 'shit, this is actually far away and I can't see DD'.

He actually said to me a few weeks ago that he'd love to see her more but maybe I didn't understand that petrol costs money

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 19/12/2019 12:05

Choice4567 you are not responsible for ensuring he sees his DD. You are no longer a couple and his move has nothing to do with you and costs of petrol or how he plans to collect his DD has nothing to do with you either. He sounds bitter that you chose to leave him and that somehow you owe him.

JacquesHammer · 19/12/2019 12:06

He actually said to me a few weeks ago that he'd love to see her more but maybe I didn't understand that petrol costs money

“Sorry, as you very correctly alerted me to the fact that petrol costs money, I’m unable to meet you”

Techway · 19/12/2019 12:21

If this went to court a judge would assess what is in the best interests of the child, which they view as maintaining a relationship with both parents. The judge would then look at what resources were available to both parents to facilitate contact.

Resources are time available, finances, job flexibility, any health factors, schedule for holidays.

Generally they would try to find a compromise which might be the 30mins the Ex has suggested.

I think a parent that moves a long distance, especially nrp, should have to apply to court in the same way a RP often has to to move. It is the child that suffers as excessive driving really impacts on their time with nrp and doesn't allow them to have normal activities on contact time.

Has he moved to be closer to his family?

noneedtoberudedear · 19/12/2019 12:34

He chose to move away. He can make the journey to see his child.

YA so NBU!

noneedtoberudedear · 19/12/2019 12:35

Brilliant answer there @JacquesHammerGrin

Original poster
Choice4567 · 19/12/2019 12:54

@JacquesHammer oh I so wish I'd sent that!!

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 19/12/2019 13:04

You know what to reply when it crops up again Grin.

I'm all for helping out when the odd issue like car breakdown happens, but parents, even NRP sometimes have their options limited by their kids

Guineapigbridge · 19/12/2019 14:03

My 7 year old is able to take an airplane on her own to see her nana. Can she fly? It’s faster and similarly affordable to a car trip...

Guineapigbridge · 19/12/2019 14:04

How far is it again? 4 hours drive?

CheshireChat · 19/12/2019 14:10

It might be an option for the OP, but let's be honest, most people don't live that close to airports, not to mention airport parking costs and the like.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 19/12/2019 14:37

@Guineapigbridge yes about 4 hours I think. She's only been a few times. Heavily depends on traffic too

OP posts:
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