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Original poster

Child handover arrangement

80 replies

Choice4567 · 17/12/2019 20:45

So these sorts of issues have been rumbling along for about 4 years now between exH and I regarding DD. We have no formal agreement in place regarding contact, but for the last 3 years ex had her 2 nights a week and every other weekend. In the summer he got a new job and moved 150 miles north. He now sees DD once a month.

Over Christmas as previously arranged I'm having her over Christmas, and she goes to his Boxing Day. He's now refusing to come to mine to pick her up, saying his family time with his new girlfriend is just as important as my family time, so I should meet him halfway.

I don't particular want to argue over whose family time is 'precious'. However I do think that if he chose to move 150 miles away it's up to him to make the journey on Boxing Day

I really can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not. He has a tendency to just tell me what's happening and assume I'll fall in line

OP posts:
Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 07:48

No, she's 7 so no travelling by herself

OP posts:
MeridianB · 18/12/2019 07:54

YADNBU OP.
How long is DD staying with him?

I’m just amazed he didn’t work out that 150 miles is a prohibitive distance for regular and easy contact.

NWQM · 18/12/2019 08:19

What was the status quo before he moved? Did he always pick up and drop off? When he dropped to monthly did he say anything then about arrangements changing? I'm assuming he picked up
& neither you or your daughter suggested the change to monthly! I'd be saying 'we've adapted to a number of changes of the contact arrangements but no change to the arrangements for holidays. x will be ready at y for the x days agreed. She needs to be home at x. See you then'
Then I'd leave any other contact.
Stay strong.
The point here for me is the continual changes to suit him and not your daughter let alone you.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 08:35

Thank @NWQM. It is exactly continual changes to suit him that get to me. Well more that he can't see that he wants everything to change to suit him all the time. He seems to think he's being entirely reasonable

OP posts:
RHM000 · 18/12/2019 08:43

YANBU. When I was a child, my mum decided to leave my dad and took me to live 140 miles away. My dad didn’t have a car so he travelled to see me by coach every single week for months until he could relocate. Your ex is being entirely unreasonable, considering this situation is of his own making!

CheshireChat · 18/12/2019 11:14

I really feel for the kids in these situations as regardless of who's doing the driving, they're the ones stuck in a car.

Not that the OP should do the driving!

Winterdaysarehere · 18/12/2019 11:19

Either way he will make you do the full journey to collect dd.
I put my last chocolate coin on it...

JacquesHammer · 18/12/2019 11:22

Yet another example of father of the year 🙄

I’m sorry OP - of course YANBU. He chose to move, he does the travelling.

I do advise you get something more official in place to cover such scenarios.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 11:28

Yes it really has come to that now. We'll be going for mediation in the new year and will get all these things written down.

He's now suggesting a compromise of a shopping centre that's half an hour from me. On Boxing Day. It's a fair compromise apparently so I have to say yes?!

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 18/12/2019 11:55

Any industrial estates near the shopping centre? They'll be dead on Boxing Day

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 18/12/2019 13:40

Hi OP, I think agreeing to drop off 30 mins away is a good idea. But let him know that it will not be a regular occurrence, and next year he has enough time to arrange collection himself.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 17:06

I've replied that I can understand his suggestion. Technically didn't agree to it but he's taken it as such. I'll sleep on it but I think I'm going to have to do it. And then hopefully we can do mediation and get everything written down and agreed

OP posts:
MeridianB · 18/12/2019 17:12

How long is she staying with him for, OP?

Is it long enough to justify her 5-6 hours of car time?

Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 17:14

She's with him for the whole second week of the holidays, and visiting her family on that side. She does love spending time with him and his family so I have no objections to her going

OP posts:
MeridianB · 18/12/2019 17:22

He sounds like someone who will abuse your generous offer of a 30 min meeting point. Make sure you tell him it’s a one off IF you do it. And ask him what he expected when he moved three hours away.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 18:32

I know this is why I'm torn. I don't understand what he thought would happen when he moved. But I can't get that across to him. He just keeps saying it would be fair and reasonable to share the journey

OP posts:
NWQM · 18/12/2019 18:35

Honestly I'm a people pleaser but please don't take her. It's not logical at all. By his logic half way would be reasonable. I really do think he is trying to set the precedent that you have something to do with the arrangements for him seeing his daughter. Sorry but if you start it'll get pushed and pushed.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 18:38

I just hate confrontation! He gets more and more confrontational by message. And then tries to phone so that he can play on my hate of confrontation. And also so there's not a written record of what he's said

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 18/12/2019 18:39

Have you asked in Legal OP? Some knowledgeable poster there shoujd be able to tell you what the courts would think of his halfway demand.

Sotiredofthislife · 18/12/2019 18:46

if he wants to see his child, he can pick up and drop off!

Assuming doing the driving won’t cause any kind of financial issue, the alternative is to suck it up, do the travelling and ensure that your child maintains a relationship with their father. Personally, I would prefer that my ex never gets to say ‘but she wouldn’t bring you’. Or, potentially more damaging, ‘she wouldn’t let you’. Allowing a child to know their other parent on a warts and all basis is preferable, I think, to trying to achieve what would be fair and reasonable for yourself as an adult.

Waveysnail · 18/12/2019 18:47

I think shopping centre is a reasonable compromise.

JacquesHammer · 18/12/2019 18:58

Assuming doing the driving won’t cause any kind of financial issue, the alternative is to suck it up, do the travelling and ensure that your child maintains a relationship with their father

Or alternatively the father can suck it up and ensure he maintains a relationship as the child’s father.

Original poster
Choice4567 · 18/12/2019 19:00

Can't say too much about the family visiting because it would be too outing. Suffice to say he has enough stuff planned and paid for the week he has her that there's no way he wouldn't collect her

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2019 19:03

I think I would make a point of objecting to his "fair and reasonable" comment.

I would state that he chose to move away knowing that as the non resident parent it is his responsibility to both collect and return DD to her main home with you. That is is unfair and unreasonable of him to expect you to take on the work of sharing the travelling in addition to the fact he has massively reduced his contribution to actively parenting DD.

RandomMess · 18/12/2019 19:05

So if he refused to return how would that work when he has to go to work and her school and you take him to court over it...

He doesn't seem to want the inconvenience of having DD anymore?

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