AIBU - when it is not the child but the teacher?

[NorthernStar412]

I have a daughter currently on year 5 and another in year 1, so over the years, counting in all the nursery teachers and assistants we have encountered a good number of teachers, all of whom we have had great rapport and worked well with, in good and bad. Until now...

I cannot help but think that my eldest daughter's teacher genuinely dislikes her and is struggling to hide it. I am not thinking that my kids are perfect and I have always addressed any issues when raised but the overall sense I am getting is that there is constant nagging about every.single.thing my eldest gets wrong and very little praise for the things she gets right. When she attempts to explain herself or give further information about an incident for example, she gets told off for back-talking and swiftly shut down. The manner in which the teacher talks, in particular, to my daughter has been observed by other parents in shock.

I do appreciate that there are tones and words that can be interpreted as rude and have talked about this to my daughter but after months of this, I am beginning to think the picture isn't quite right. It genuinely is starting to feel like that there is no room for any questioning in any shape or form. To my bafflement, my daughter's learning goal for the term was set by the teacher as 'obey all instructions at once, without discussion'. This to me seems like an odd learning goal in a school that has critical thinking as one of their values and for DD, who is hugely enthusiastic about learning, miles ahead of her classmates in reading, writing and doing above expectations in math as well. DD comes with a strong sense of justice and is quick to stand up for any injustice. In addition, she applies critical thinking and evaluates what she is reading for example but it would appear that anything that even vaguely challenges the teacher is not allowed. Once again, I fully appreciate that it is difficult to get anything done if every child asks clarifications all the time but surely there are times when a question is valid? I mean just think of those people, who blindly follow their satnavs and end up in rivers...

Having read various threads where anyone, who dares to raise the possibility that a teacher is not a demi-god, who is always right about everything while all the children are badly brought up brats and parents ever so precious, is berated, I still have to ask if I am being unreasonable thinking that there are in fact some teachers, who are not entirely fair or professional?

Could be teacher. Could be your child. Unless people see if for themselves then you couldn't call it.

as 'obey all instructions at once, without discussion'. This to me seems like an odd learning goal in a school that has critical thinking as one of their values

it would be very interesting to have the view of the teacher on that one.

It can go both ways: either the teacher doesn't like your kid, or they just have enough of someone who can't do as they are told, ever. Critical thinking has never meant questioning having to do maths, to follow instructions.

Not enough details to judge.

it is a bit of an unreasonable goal, but it does rather read to me as if the teacher has found your DD disruptive with too many questions / interruptions / arguments.
I could imagine that where your DD is trying to be 'helpful' it just disrupts the flow. e.g. teacher wants to talk about planets, and starts talking about 8 planets etc . DD puts up her hand and informs(asks?) about Pluto about how it was a planet but now isn't etc etc. Flow of lesson lost and main learning point - there are now 8 planets - has gone for many of the class too.

There ate definitely teachers who take dislikes to some children, teachers are as human as the rest of us.

And DS's year 3 teacher admitted to me once she didn't like girls, just boys. Something that had already been suspected as friends reported she had been far harder on the girls than the boys in her class. She didn't last long at the school.

Could be either. Teacher might dislike your child and is not being professional. Or your child is a know it all and challenging teacher about everything.

Maybe you/school should try the 'limited comments/questions' method.
e.g. She has 3 things a day she can question (outside not understanding what she has to do for class work). So before she puts her hand up to interject she has to really work out whether this thing is worth using up one of her 3 for.
Before you say 3 doesn't seem very much, if every child asks 3 (perhaps not necessary) questions/comments a day that is 90 interruptions.

Suggest you ask to see teacher and find out peacefully what the issue is and discuss how it can be worked on.

To be honest I would ask your dd to keep her head down for a month, or even the rest of the year, and see how it pans out. The teacher could very well dislike your child. But as long as she is up to date with the curriculum I would use it as a lesson on how to get along with an authority figure who dislikes her. Give your dd some strategies to deal with it. Eg write down her questions to ask a different person.
It's not right but at the same time it's not really affecting her learning. Iyswim

that learning goal is there for a reason and i suspect that your DD is disruptive in lessons.

There is a whole world between driving into a river because your satnav told you it was a road, and applying genuine critical thinking skills in important and appropriate circumstances.

Interrupting lessons to add your own commentary when the teacher is trying to instruct isn’t part of the latter end of the scale. If that’s what your child is constantly doing, then that’s why she’s ended up with that learning goal.

You’re not in the classroom so don’t actually see how your daughter behaves at school. She could easily tell you one thing but easily fo another at school.

It’s very rare for teachers to have an irrational dislike of a pupil, it’s usually for good reason. I teach 16+ and the only students I dislike are the ones with poor attitude.

Being blunt, the way you talk about your DD makes it sound like she "backchats" quite a lot and can be disruptive. What is a charming, inquisitive attitude when it's you and your child one on one can be very disruptive in larger groups.

There is a common theme with the ‘teacher dislikes my child’ threads, according to the parent the child is always exceptionally advanced, very fair minded, perhaps in class that translates to an argumentative know it all that never shuts up & doesn’t do as she’s told.
You are assuming the teachers dislike based on a 10 yr olds say so who probably expects everyone to be enthralled by her in the way her mother is.

That’s an interesting target. Do you think there’s the slightest possibility that being very far ahead, an enthusiastic learner and generally well behaved your DD has been allowed to get away with some behaviour that hasn’t been tolerated in other children?

'Miles ahead of the rest of class', 'applies critical thinking'?

You have obviously given your daughter enormous self confidence which is commendable but sometimes children need to shut up and do what they're told. Can you imagine having a class of 30 odd kids where one challenges and questions every single instruction?

Her teacher is a professional and it says a lot about your attitude that you've compared her to a sat nav.

Teachers rarely dislike children. They do dislike disrespectful behaviour, though.

We had this with one teacher early on who also took issue with our son’s inability to obey (fair enough, he is difficult, I don’t judge her for funding it frustrating). But other teachers, while openly discussing his difficulties in regards to obedience have always had kind things to say about him, some were downright fond (while not very confirmative DS is very warm and charming so generally well liked).

DD, who is hugely enthusiastic about learning, miles ahead of her classmates in reading, writing and doing above expectations in math as well. DD comes with a strong sense of justice and is quick to stand up for any injustice. In addition, she applies critical thinking

I think that has told me why your dd has that learning goal.

When I have taught DC like this, the incessant questioning generally comes from a place of anxiety (meaning they need reassurance, clearer instructions, etc) or desire to show off their knowledge - in the latter case, I've always felt they can use their considerable intelligence to work out how well anyone can teach anything when constantly interrupted.

Worth considering as a parent that the first kind of DC in the class are greatly impacted by the second kind - as well as the vast majority who are getting on with their work!

I think the three questions strategy is good and/or a notepad to write down thoughts as they occur. Also try role-playing her explaining something while you interrupt her 20 times. Ask how she feels.

As mum of one of these DC I feel for all parties, but I'd be mortified if told she was constantly piping up in class!

I wouldn't like that target op, I think it's potentially opening a young girl up to believing adults are to be obeyed without question which opens up risk of abuse.

However I think it's reasonable to ask the teacher what is going so badly in class thst she tried to set it

I went to see the teacher when this happened to my son and told her ‘he feels like you don’t like him?’ She obvs said that’s not true, I’m not so sure about that! She did change her attitude to him though so that’s what I would do if I was you.

That learning target is not appropriate and helps you really as it clearly illustrates the issue. I’m a teacher myself and over the years have seen the odd colleague who is on a power trip. They are usually abusive to their colleagues too. Take this further.

It could be the teacher. I've certainly met several colleagues who are grumpy and abrupt with limited patience.

Teachers aren't demi-gods. What I would say is on the whole many of us have met a fair number of students and parents who seem to think that their child critically thinking/just clarifying / just asking questions is somehow an excuse (or way to dismiss) for lesson disruption, arguing back etc.

Just like "boys will be boys" and excusing boisterous behaviour when younger can have the unintended consequence of having an older child who is unsettled, plays rough, at secondary is the first to act the clown, what's cute questioning at 6 or 7 can easily become obnoxious and disruptive by 12 (and the sort of situation where we get parents calling up to complain that their y9 student has been out in isolation or given a detention for "just asking a question").

TLDR - It could be either, but on the balance of probability it's worth being aware that your DC needs to learn when to be quiet and get on.

DDs current teacher is very like this. She has some hearing loss (DD not the teacher) and the teacher is quite softly spoken unless she's shouting which I've heard so DD had not done what she's been told on several occasions. We thought we'd gotten to the bottom of it when we realised the information on her hearing loss hadn't been relayed to teachers dealing with her. In fact, every other teacher has said that once they placed her in class appropriately she only goes off on tangents when the room is noisy. They stop her and ask her what she thinks she was told - nearly always gets part but not all of the initial instruction and often fills the blanks in with god knows what 🤦‍♀️.

But not this teacher. She has referred to DD as 'it' and other names to me. Turns out it's not just DD though, there's fewer in the class not getting that treatment than getting it. And it's the way it's been for years by all accounts. Have you spoken to any other parents about it? It's hard to say it may not be as personal as it seems when it does feel personal.

I don't think you're unreasonable to ask that the learning goal be clarified. Have you asked for a meeting to discuss it? It seems like you currently only have your daughter's side.

I was one of those kids that was always "applying my critical thinking skills" and am quite glad in hindsight that smacking was outlawed by the time I went to school otherwise I'd have copped it

On the other hand, I can think of at least three or four teachers who were absolutely bloody unreasonable and shut down any challenge no matter how justified.

This situation could be anywhere in the middle. If I were you, I'd talk to the teacher face to face in a non confrontational way and try to get to the bottom of it.