AIBU - when it is not the child but the teacher?

[NorthernStar412]

I have a daughter currently on year 5 and another in year 1, so over the years, counting in all the nursery teachers and assistants we have encountered a good number of teachers, all of whom we have had great rapport and worked well with, in good and bad. Until now...

I cannot help but think that my eldest daughter's teacher genuinely dislikes her and is struggling to hide it. I am not thinking that my kids are perfect and I have always addressed any issues when raised but the overall sense I am getting is that there is constant nagging about every.single.thing my eldest gets wrong and very little praise for the things she gets right. When she attempts to explain herself or give further information about an incident for example, she gets told off for back-talking and swiftly shut down. The manner in which the teacher talks, in particular, to my daughter has been observed by other parents in shock.

I do appreciate that there are tones and words that can be interpreted as rude and have talked about this to my daughter but after months of this, I am beginning to think the picture isn't quite right. It genuinely is starting to feel like that there is no room for any questioning in any shape or form. To my bafflement, my daughter's learning goal for the term was set by the teacher as 'obey all instructions at once, without discussion'. This to me seems like an odd learning goal in a school that has critical thinking as one of their values and for DD, who is hugely enthusiastic about learning, miles ahead of her classmates in reading, writing and doing above expectations in math as well. DD comes with a strong sense of justice and is quick to stand up for any injustice. In addition, she applies critical thinking and evaluates what she is reading for example but it would appear that anything that even vaguely challenges the teacher is not allowed. Once again, I fully appreciate that it is difficult to get anything done if every child asks clarifications all the time but surely there are times when a question is valid? I mean just think of those people, who blindly follow their satnavs and end up in rivers...

Having read various threads where anyone, who dares to raise the possibility that a teacher is not a demi-god, who is always right about everything while all the children are badly brought up brats and parents ever so precious, is berated, I still have to ask if I am being unreasonable thinking that there are in fact some teachers, who are not entirely fair or professional?

taxprofessional
I don't want to hijack the OP's thread but I'll keep it reasonably brief. If you'd like advice I'm happy for you to message me.

Generally, it's not class teachers that make the decision about putting a student in isolation. That decision in most schools lies with heads of year, heads of departments or senior leadership.

Equally, it's worth checking the school behaviour policy because if it runs on a fixed system of X=Y then you wanting a meeting with him when he's following the behaviour policy isn't a good use of anyone's time. Parents sometimes need to think "what if all 250 parents wanted a meeting each time a sanction was issued".

At secondary it's entirely possible for students not to click with particular members of staff, and whilst most students get on with this, it's not unheard of for some to act up or be awkward for one member of staff (usually prompting the understandable 'but no other teachers have had an issue...'). It's also worth being aware that parents aren't informed of many issues in school. If someone had a break or lunch detention then I wouldn't be calling home and if I had to move them seats in the lesson to calm down or send them out then that also wouldn't be a call home. I'd only call for persistent issues or a big change in behaviour.

It could be that the teacher really has got a grudge but it could equally be that there's good reason and it's as simple as "they misbehaved and that's the school policy so it's not reasonable to have a meeting".

Before last year I would have said you were being unreasonable but last year my DDs(9) teacher for maths was awful. I usually give teachers the benefit of the doubt because children exaggerate and DD can be over sensitive but it got to the point where DD was crying every night scared to go to school in case the teacher shouted at her again for being stupid and not understanding. She stopped asking any questions in class because the teacher rolled her eyes and got cross everytime DD didn’t understand. She’s got a different teacher this year and difference in her confidence has been amazing. She’s gone from hating maths and thinking she is the stupidest in the class to loving it and looking forward to going to school.

@NorthernStar412 having a strong sense of injustice can also mean she is disobedient, being asked to move and saying but you haven’t asked x to move. While it is good to encourage children to think critically this does not always mean teaching them to question a person in authority. Would you teach your child to argue with a police officer? If the answer is no, but you are happy for her to argue with the teacher there is your problem.
Talking to a teacher to explain they may not have seen the whole incident after the fact is a much better idea than getting into a stand up row at the time.

I think go with your instinct. Could you ask for a meeting with this teacher and another member of staff maybe the head of key stage 2 and just lay out your concerns in detail and make sure that she understands you are worried about how your child is being treated and that you expect not to be worried after the meeting.
We had this with our eldest in key stage 2. The teacher sounds quite similar, over controlling and tbh in our case mean and a bit sweary. We complained after various incidents but didn’t take enough action, she became very suffocating and verbally abused our child and other children in the class. She taught our daughter and was equally horrible. She now has the children of friends in her class and she is the same. The school won’t see it unless you draw it to their attention. I’d also ask for your meeting by email detail incidents and situations that have led to your concern and copy in the member of staff who is her senior. Good luck, your daughter should be in a happy and encouraging environment.

Teachers are just people. Some are not very nice people. Many people have encountered a teacher who is unkind to their pupils or takes against certain kids. So it isn't impossible.

Critical Thinking also includes being able to discern the difference between asking a reasonable question when it is appropriate to do so and being an argumentative little sod who never does anything first time because they don't think the rules apply to them/they're smarter than everybody else.

Source: Me, aged 10. And 11, 12, 13 and all the way through to about 30 when I got fed up of being Let Go from every job I'd ever had and worked out that it's better to Shut the Fuck Up and Do As I Was Told For a Change if I wanted to keep a roof over my children's heads.

I wouldn't like that target op, I think it's potentially opening a young girl up to believing adults are to be obeyed without question which opens up risk of abuse

Blimey, I think that’s a bit strong!

The instruction is not a ‘learning instruction’ and should have been framed better, but I figure that only a teacher at the absolute end of tether would write such a strongly worded ‘order’.

There are students who can be difficult to like (not that teachers need to like their students, as long as they are not unpleasant to them and remain professional) and for me, it is the ones who endlessly try to chat. Sometimes, it’s the otherwise lovely children who crave attention-even if they get lots at home (maybe because they get lots at home?!). It’s really frustrating when you’ve said you’ll take in the homework later and three students want to show you it NOW!! Difficult when you’re starting the class and little Johnny pipes up with a comment he knows is designed to distract.

It doesn’t matter, anyway, as you’re sending them elsewhere in January. There are 4 days left, why are you only posting this now?

Teachers aren't always right.
Don't doubt your gut and don't dismiss your dd concerns.
Speak to the head and escalate it if it doesn't change.
At the end of the day teachers are paid to educate our children. They are not gods and most definitely not always right.

And I would NEVER accept a target for my child to obey without question! It's never ever ever happening!

Just like any profession, there are shit teachers, shit nurses, shit policemen etc. However, year 5 can be a year where children start to push the boundaries, why not arrange a discussion with your child's teacher and go in with an open mind. Perhaps your child is not an angel and her assertiveness can cross the boundary into rudeness? Only one way to find out.

StinkyXmasCheese

And I would NEVER accept a target for my child to obey without question! It's never ever ever happening!

Good god

You appear to bear a grudge against teachers, Stinky of the lovely name.

taxprofessional I can see why the teacher wouldn't want to have a meeting about why the sanction wouldnt work for your child. It would be very undermining if any time a teacher gave a sanction they had to meet with parents to justify it and be told the sanction wouldn't work. It would be very time consuming too.
What was the reason given for isolation? Maybe discuss it with the form tutor or head of house/year

DS1’s Y2 teacher clearly disliked him, as well as a few other boys. She preferred girls but the top table, the best pupils, she went way beyond the normal duties of a teacher to the detriment of the other children.
When DS2 came into her class she started to pick on him and had a very poor opinion of his work, behaviour and social skills with his classmates. This child had been an exemplary pupil for his previous teacher. I pointed out that the only thing that changed in his life was her and what did she think she was doing wrong and what were her plans to improve her performance.
She left DS2 alone after that but the following year she was suspended and then dismissed for slapping a child in the face. Child’s mum greeted her daughter with a red handprint on her cheek and promptly called the police.