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AIBU?

His playlist of affair reminder songs

95 replies

MumofThree78 · 16/12/2019 18:18

Well, found out my husband had been having an emotional affair for 2 months with his cousins girlfriend who lives in another country, sent photos, phone calls, etc, they talked about him staying with me but then sent lovey dovey messages.

After I found out, he messaged her in secret for another week after, until I found these new messages and realised he hadn't stopped contact like he said.

I have 2 other threads about this.

He decided he wants to make us work so have been to counseling, he is seeing a psychologist tomorrow himself for depression. He leaves everything out, let's me access everything but I still keep checking things in secret as can't trust yet after all the lies. And he still gets annoyed when i want to see or when I bring up more questions but does answer.

Anyway in his search history he had looked up loads of songs after I found out about missing someone, lost love and I also had seen their text messages talking about songs that describe their feeling "more then words"

He had made a bunch of playlist on Spotify with these songs on there and lots of sad love songs, secret love, etc.

Titles were "I miss you" "more then words" that type of things, I had sent them and spoke about it in therapy and therapist said what would make you feel better and I said if he deleted them, I don't want him thinking about her. She said to him can you do this and he was hesitant and said there are some good songs in there, she said it won't delete them from Spotify just gets rid of the playlist. He agreed to do it.

So he hasn't mentioned anything to me and I didn't demand he do it straight after, but went for a snoop on his phone and he has just changed the titles to new ones but still has all the songs !

AIBU I deleted every playlist about love songs with songs I had seen mentioned or googled !

I know he will flip it when he see's tomorrow but AIBU for not wanting him to keep those playlist so he can't sit and think about her while he drives to work and how much he misses her or am I just to jealous !!

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 16/12/2019 18:33

Very gently I would say that the playlist is maybe not the thing to focus on, though I would feel exactly the same. If he does have feelings for her he will be thinking about her anyway, he just likes the songs as they talk about how he is feeling. This is why personally I couldn't forgive any affair where feelings are concerned.

But I don't think he is really doing what he should be doing. He should be doing anything to make you feel better and to help you reconnect. Dwelling on her isn't going to help him, it will just weaken his resolve not to contact her again. It is good you are going to therapy but given his behavior, contacting her when he promised not to, listening to the songs, I would question how committed he is to saving things with you. I am really sorry

Stonerosie67 · 16/12/2019 18:37

Is this really how you want to live your life?

Blueemeraldagain · 16/12/2019 18:39

Oh my god leave him.

MumofThree78 · 16/12/2019 18:39

Thanks Bloom, the playlists hadn't been listed to for recently when I found them, you can see the recent played ones and they were all at bottom. He said they were depressing so had been listening to his feel good albums which was evident from the recently played list.

But why would he keep them when he said he would delete them, it's just more lies or with holding the truth.

Your right it does make me question his commitment to fixing this

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 16/12/2019 18:40

If he's grieving the loss of this other relationship, is he even in a frame of mind to work on yours?

I have no idea how I'd actually react in your shoes, but reading this cold I'm not sure I could cope with continuing in these circumstances.

MumofThree78 · 16/12/2019 18:43

Ohwhen - he is grieving the loss of the relationship, we had been in a bad place for a few years and he had been depressed so has said to me and therapist it was someone making him feel
Good and happy.

He therapist says he is allowed to grieve and I have to allow it as he is showing me that he wants to make us work by doing everything I've asked.

Still hurts though

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 16/12/2019 18:44

That is slightly better then, I had read it as him listening to them often. I do think the fact he is so resistant to doing the very basic things anyone in your position would expect, says a lot though I'm afraid. Maybe this is something you could talk about in therapy, but it may be worth going to a few sessions on your own too.

MumofThree78 · 16/12/2019 18:46

Yes, I am having my first solo session next week and I will bring it up in therapy, just don't understand how he didn't think I would realise.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 16/12/2019 18:48

Why on earth are you trying to make this relationship work? It's a trainwreck. He's not sorry at all, his only regret is getting caught. He doesn't give a toss about you or your feelings, he just wants to stay with you for his own convenience while he does whatever he can get away with behind your back. Even now, he's not even putting on a convincing act of trying. How hard is it to delete a playlist, why could he not even bring himself to do that for you as a token of goodwill after being caught betraying you? Wake up OP. Get rid of him.

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 18:48

There's no way you need to be reasonable about him "grieving" his affair. Wow.
He should be doing everything he possibly can to win your trust back.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 16/12/2019 18:50

He's in love with a fantasy. Reality can't compete with that.

MayFayner · 16/12/2019 18:50

You’ve tried really hard but he hasn’t.

I would leave, I’m sorry Flowers

FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 18:53

He therapist says he is allowed to grieve and I have to allow it as he is showing me that he wants to make us work by doing everything I've asked.

Is that what he tells you? Bullshit! You don't have to allow anything, he isn't showing you a thing since a) you should not have to ask, he should do, of his own initiative and b) he had no intention of stopping the affair, he just got found out.

rubyismyworld · 16/12/2019 18:53

There’s absolutely no way I could stay with a man like that.
How can you live your life with someone who might be there physically with you but who is emotionally a complete world away? Every happy moment you might have, every time you are intimate together, you will ask yourself ‘is he thinking of her?’

What a shitty thing he’s put you through, I’m sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better than this. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do

Jumpi · 16/12/2019 18:54

You can’t control how a person thinks or feels. What you can do is remove yourself from this awful situation and stop worrying about how he chooses to miss/pursue her.

KurriKurri · 16/12/2019 18:55

He therapist says he is allowed to grieve and I have to allow it as he is showing me that he wants to make us work by doing everything I've asked.

He didn't though did he? Therapist sounds pretty useless.
When are you allowed to grieve the fact that he treated you and your marriage with complete contempt?
It all sounds bit 'poor me - I've had to end my affair and I'm sooooo saaaaad'

Think about what you want and where you want to be. At the moment it is sounding like he decided and made a choice to work on your marriage - what about what you want - don;t just wait for him to decide whether he is gracious enough to stay with you. Could you do better on your own ? Could you do better with someone else?
Don't just settle for being his second choice.

Make you own play list starting with 'Your Cheatin' Heart' and play it full volume. And don;t allow him to turn the fact that you deleted his playlist against you - he said he'd do something, he didn't, if he can't manage that small act of courtesy to you after his shitty behaviour then he's not worthy of your time, your feelings, or your energy.

BeatriceTheBeast · 16/12/2019 18:55

Nah, fuck him and the therapist, sorry. I'd be gone. Sorry if that's harsh.

ohwheniknow · 16/12/2019 18:55

I can see the logic to that, and I get that being human is complex and messy, but ouch. Did therapist have any suggestions for how to manage your pain at seeing him grieve this other relationship?

Where did you find the therapist? Personal recommendation or...?

ohwheniknow · 16/12/2019 18:59

I also am not sure getting into a situation where the tool for managing your pain and distress (and all the rest) is basically for you to be given permission to make whatever "demands" you like of him and his compliance is how he signals his feelings and sincerity. (That's my understanding of what you've said therapist said).

I get why you would be asking certain things of him! But it doesn't feel like a healthy foundation is being rebuilt.

Maybe that's just me.

LadyAllegraImelda · 16/12/2019 19:09

Allow him to 'grieve his affair' geez, I wouldn't put up with that crap, free yourself!

FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 19:12

He therapist says he is allowed to grieve and I have to allow it as he is showing me that he wants to make us work by doing everything I've asked.

What. The. Fuck.

No. You don't.

Bin him.

OhChristmasTreee · 16/12/2019 19:17

Sorry where is your self-respect?!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/12/2019 19:26

Dear god OP...give yourself the best christmas present ever and fuck him right off...playlists indeed he is rubbing your nose in it and by him doing shit like that it tells you he isnt anywhere near over her...just sorry he got caught.If he loves and misses her through songs then it is she who is on his mind all the time not you. I am sorry but you dont need him.

OhThatsASnazzyBouquet · 16/12/2019 19:27
Shock
wellthatwasthat · 16/12/2019 19:31

The therapist said he's allowed to grieve? What???

He isn't grieving the death of a loved one, is he - no, he is having a fantasy affair and has been found out.

Talking of out, I suggest you tell him to get his act together or clear off and live his fantasy life elsewhere.

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