His playlist of affair reminder songs

[MumofThree78]

Well, found out my husband had been having an emotional affair for 2 months with his cousins girlfriend who lives in another country, sent photos, phone calls, etc, they talked about him staying with me but then sent lovey dovey messages.

After I found out, he messaged her in secret for another week after, until I found these new messages and realised he hadn't stopped contact like he said.

I have 2 other threads about this.

He decided he wants to make us work so have been to counseling, he is seeing a psychologist tomorrow himself for depression. He leaves everything out, let's me access everything but I still keep checking things in secret as can't trust yet after all the lies. And he still gets annoyed when i want to see or when I bring up more questions but does answer.

Anyway in his search history he had looked up loads of songs after I found out about missing someone, lost love and I also had seen their text messages talking about songs that describe their feeling "more then words"

He had made a bunch of playlist on Spotify with these songs on there and lots of sad love songs, secret love, etc.

Titles were "I miss you" "more then words" that type of things, I had sent them and spoke about it in therapy and therapist said what would make you feel better and I said if he deleted them, I don't want him thinking about her. She said to him can you do this and he was hesitant and said there are some good songs in there, she said it won't delete them from Spotify just gets rid of the playlist. He agreed to do it.

So he hasn't mentioned anything to me and I didn't demand he do it straight after, but went for a snoop on his phone and he has just changed the titles to new ones but still has all the songs !

AIBU I deleted every playlist about love songs with songs I had seen mentioned or googled !

I know he will flip it when he see's tomorrow but AIBU for not wanting him to keep those playlist so he can't sit and think about her while he drives to work and how much he misses her or am I just to jealous !!

OP we all know it’s hard but trust me, we’re being ‘cruel’ to be kind.
You could accept all sorts of bad behaviour over and over again and stay with him and not have to change your whole life. But we’re sounding harsh because we know that that’s no real life.

No it shouldn't be a chore but surely not every 20yr relationship just runs smoothly, we have both neglected each other the past few years and let ourselves get to this point where this happened. He hasn't gone from a perfect happy time and done this, isn't it worth trying rather then giving up at the first hurdle.

I don't know, I'm starting to think I won't get past this and maybe it's time to move on, it's just so hard do actually do it

You are flogging a dead horse. He has clearly already given up.

Throw him out with your dignity intact.

You’ve been together 20 years- it’s clearly ran it’s course.

Being together shouldn’t involve so much effort.

You change as you age and you’re clearly not in the same bracket anymore. There’s needing work and then there’s this.

Not sure I agree with the majority of folk on here. You sound very switched on OP. You seem to understand that he will grieve this relationship. I understand (any one would) that you are being asked to forgive a lot. And you need to grieve too. You don't need to justify your emotions towards these songs.

It sounds like you've been through a lot. Is it early days?

Thank you all, at work now so won't be on again till much later, am sure you will all be asleep. Thanks for the advise

He is in love with the idea of her.

He’s a selfish prick.

Claw back your dignity and get rid

Op does sound switched on, not to full brightness yet however.

Life is extremely short op. Don’t waste years of your life on someone who is like this.
For what it’s worth my parents were married for 30 years. Yes, maybe they could’ve made it work.

They found people that were more suited to them and I’m telling you- my dad had some of the best times of his life with his new wife.

I think once someone doesn’t value or appreciate you, it’s easier to back out than work on it.

Hi Chipsy, thanks for the friendly message. Yes it is early days, I found out 4 weeks ago originally and then 2 weeks after that seen he had messaged her again a few days after I found out.

So it's been 2 weeks now since he messaged her to say it's over and of therapy and him being transparent about everything (accept for this) we are meant to move but I think I will put a stop to that and plan to go to my parents when house completes and try to make a decision after Xmas.

@MumofThree78

I'm so sorry, I know it is easy to advise from afar, but ask yourself this:

Will you ever be able to hole hearthely trust him again?

You speak of 20 years, do you want to feel uneasy for the next 20?

You are running yourself ragged to save your marriage, but apparently your H is more devastated that his dreams have been taken away.

He is not going above and beyond to create trust.

As far as I remember from your other thread, you have family and friends nearby? Don't move away from them, use their support. And stop protecting him, he has treated you appallingly.

And please find a therapist not involved with your couples councelling or his councelling.

Oh my god OP just fold your hand and walk away. You shouldn't have to force someone to love you or respect you. You have no self respect either with the way you are behaving. It is controlling even if he was a total arsebag. You have to recognise that no matter what, he does not want to be with you deep down.

Why are you fighting to keep someone who doesn't really want you?

I know everyone is saying leave and I am almost there but it's so hard to give up 20years for a 2month online affair only.

I wouldn't see it as 'only' a 2 month affair. It's symptomatic of other problems that he started on an affair at all. It's also odd that this was someone on the other side of the world, in a relationship with a relative of his. I mean, the odds are stacked against them as much as possible. He just wants a fantasy, not a reality.

Maybe you just need to work through all of this before you come to the conclusion you'd be better splitting up.

This is not good for your well-being! I am surprised you aren't depressed yourself. I really would be thinking long and hard if you really want this. I'm sorry.

"He's in love with a fantasy. Reality can't compete with that."

This

Grieving his affair my arse.

You know if you really want this lying, sneaking excuse for a man back, by far the best thing you can do is kick him to the curb and concentrate on making yourself happy. Chances are he’ll come crawling back because they always do.

Whether or not you’ll want him back when you’ve had a bit of freedom is another story.

Let him grieve. Alone. Dear god, don’t let yourself be treated like this. He is obviously just grieving that he got caught.

I can understand your point about not wanting give up twenty years, but you haven’t given up anything - it’s him. Reading your other threads, you’ve been in absolute despair over what he’s done, Not sleeping, having to have days off work, going out of your mind with all of the lies, and he just isn’t stopping! No matter how much pain you’re in, he’s finding ways to keep the whole thing going, whether that’s by contacting her, or downloading music, or whatever, he just is not stopping himself.

He doesn’t seem to give a shit about your heartache, nor that if he continues to do this he could jeopardise his family life and being with his children every day. PLUS just to add to this awfulness, this is his cousin’s girlfriend- so a double betrayal.

He’s fucking disgusting, and your idea of clinging on to what you once had is the very definition of the sunk costs fallacy. He isn’t doing anything for the relationship, he’s living in fantasy land with his cousin’s girlfriend.

Get out if that relationship.He is treating you like his mum, with him being the annoyed teenager. He could not have made it clearer that he plans to continue in this vein.

Why does he get time and recognition to grieve the consequences of his bad behaviour and you, the hurt innocent one, don't?

Here's one for your playlist: Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.

Bother him, and the horse he rode in on.

I know it's obvious, but there is no deadline for making decisions to stay or go.

Thanks Chipsy, that's what I have to stop putting pressure on myself to do. He is planning to move interstate as he is very unhappy where we are due to a lot of bad experiences when we moved here, he will move in a month. I just pulled out of the purchase of a property this morning that we had had an offer accepted on as today was last day of cooling off period and I feel relieved, only losing a little bit of money and enrolled my youngest at the local school. I don't feel so much pressure now to make a decision straight away, but how we will work on us if he lives 1.5hrs flight away, I think I will wait till after Xmas to make a decision, he and I both have private psychologist appointments booked in and we have another couples counseling session so will see how I feel after those. Thanks again for your reply

So he’s decided to move without you anyway? That sounds very odd. Has he only made this decision since his affair?

Yes, he hates were we are, as for him it has bad associations and feels negative.

But I think he is having doubts now and has said he will probably end up having to come back, I think when he thinks of not seeing the kids easily it makes him think a little.

I am feeling better that I pulled out of purchase for the new house interstate and feel not so much pressure now.

OP he sounds incredibly immature and selfish.

Irrespective of the emotional affair - I’m assuming you have to mother him and always let him get his own way? You deserve so much more

All your reply’s are about him and what he wants.

What about you op? You sound like you’ve forgotten about yourself as much as he has.