His playlist of affair reminder songs

[MumofThree78]

Well, found out my husband had been having an emotional affair for 2 months with his cousins girlfriend who lives in another country, sent photos, phone calls, etc, they talked about him staying with me but then sent lovey dovey messages.

After I found out, he messaged her in secret for another week after, until I found these new messages and realised he hadn't stopped contact like he said.

I have 2 other threads about this.

He decided he wants to make us work so have been to counseling, he is seeing a psychologist tomorrow himself for depression. He leaves everything out, let's me access everything but I still keep checking things in secret as can't trust yet after all the lies. And he still gets annoyed when i want to see or when I bring up more questions but does answer.

Anyway in his search history he had looked up loads of songs after I found out about missing someone, lost love and I also had seen their text messages talking about songs that describe their feeling "more then words"

He had made a bunch of playlist on Spotify with these songs on there and lots of sad love songs, secret love, etc.

Titles were "I miss you" "more then words" that type of things, I had sent them and spoke about it in therapy and therapist said what would make you feel better and I said if he deleted them, I don't want him thinking about her. She said to him can you do this and he was hesitant and said there are some good songs in there, she said it won't delete them from Spotify just gets rid of the playlist. He agreed to do it.

So he hasn't mentioned anything to me and I didn't demand he do it straight after, but went for a snoop on his phone and he has just changed the titles to new ones but still has all the songs !

AIBU I deleted every playlist about love songs with songs I had seen mentioned or googled !

I know he will flip it when he see's tomorrow but AIBU for not wanting him to keep those playlist so he can't sit and think about her while he drives to work and how much he misses her or am I just to jealous !!

Well done for giving yourself some time and space. The relief says it is a good choice right now.

Was he also half dreaming of moving to the UK, in his fantasy world where that is no problem and it all works out fine?
His wanting to move sounds to me like another sign that he would ideally like to be in a different life, not the one he has. You're wondering about leaving him - why do you think he hasn't left you?

I have skimmed and scanned this so apologies if I have missed this detail but: were you actually in the room when the therapist said that you need to "allow your husband to grieve."? Or is this something your husband has come back from a therapy session saying? Because it does sound to me that he is misreporting for reasons that are entirely self-serving.
Am very aware of this dynamic because it played out in my own family, with my disturbed and abusive (but also very charming and plausible) father going into therapy and coming back with gems for my mother such as "(The therapist) says that the problems in our marriage are at least equally your fault and that I need a lot more of understanding, especially from you." No therapist worth their salt would say that to a client! Unfortunately, my mother was (still is) very naive and gullible.
Your husband sounds immature and, frankly, pathetic. But he's also being manipulative.
OTOH, if the therapist did say that in front of you (but has not said, equally emphatically, that YOU need to be able to grieve, be angry, etc) then that is a crap therapist.

You can't work on something by yourself OP or with someone who doesn't want to work on it meaningfully, or with a liar. He is all of the above and a cheat.

He doesn't want to give it up, doesn't want to do what you want- you can delete the songs and they are gone (for now) but that changes nothing- he'd have kept them if he could even if it hurt your feelings. I'm sure they'll be back.

Theres more to life than policing some dickhead guy who isn't matching your effort OP. If you have to police someone to get them to be with you and not cheat or lie, what on earth is the point.

Sorry you have had to tolerate this OP...

It does sound that you're pulling yourself to pieces saving your relationship.... And your husband doesn't appear to be doing anything... Other than agree to stuff and then mislead you... (renaming lists when he siad he'd deleted...)

I have seen SO MANY women over the years running themselves into the ground to :make a go' with faithless /violent/addicted men... Whilst the men... Without fail... Agree to work on their relationshop.

And then do the square root of FA....

I wouldn't want to spend another 20 years with someone who treats you with contempt...

Many years ago... I did this..
A shorter but significant at the time.. 7 years... It limped on for another 2 years... Driven by me... 'to save' the relationship... Looking back those extra years we're completely wasted.... He was talking the talk... But in action?? Nah....

What an awful situation for you
How old are dcs?

I hope you get some clarity soon. This must be torture. I couldn't be with someone invested in another woman.

Ltb. Seriously. You're always going to feel like "2nd prize" now, and he stupidly will be resenting you, for the reason he's not with this other, who he's clearly infatuated with. Do you ever see yourself being able to trust him completely? If the answer is no, walk away now with your head held up high. I know there are children involved but if he's planning on moving 1.5 hrs away anyway, with little to no regard for you or his children, I'm not sure what difference being separated is really going to make. If he's 100% moving away, the impact on you splitting up, isn't going to be as great as him moving anyway. I could never stay with someone under these circumstances. It's not as if it's even one silly mistake or a fling. Sounds like there are deep rooted feelings involved, and saying he needs time to grieve is ridiculous. He shouldn't have ever got himself in the situation where he had to grieve the love of another woman, while he already had a family at home. Stupid man. You can do better, and deserve so much better than this op.

Cheeky bastard getting his own place regardless if you move with him or not,that says even more to me.

Thanks all for the advise I am taking it all on board but not ready to make a decision today but I'm starting to lose the drive to keep fighting for him and feel like the haze is starting to clear.

Norfolk - the therapist said about understanding him feel the loss (maybe the actual word grieve wasn't used) that was while I was there, she also told him that he has to allow me to ask questions, access anything anytime I want and he transparent for probably over a year to be able to win my trust back and allow me to get mad and not get defensive as I will need that to be able to heal.

I do find her helpful, maybe I worded it wrong and she has said, therapy doesn't guarantee the relationship will work but will get us to a point to be comfortable with our decision to stay or leave.

I appreciate everyone's advise, it has only be a few weeks so it has been taking me a while to get to a non devastated point to be able to see a little clearer.

Please do leave this man. As well as him being an absolute dick, his taste in music is shit. You deserve better.

I'm going to play devils advocate and say that if you want to try and make it work, you should.

Yes what he did was bad, but when a marriage is struggling people fuck up. There was no physical affair, and as a PP has said, he is probably emotional about the fantasy of it all, not the actual person.

He has cut off contact with her, is doing counselling and you have said he wont leave his kids, these are signs he is trying. He should be trying harder though, so you are right to feel upset.

I say if you want to try to make it work set yourself a time-frame: a year perhaps, and fully commit to counselling, working through your own feelings and seeing if the marriage is worth saving. If it isn't, you can let him go and move on, but I agree with you I really don't think 'bin him' is applicable to a marriage with someone for two decades who had a short emotional fantasy-orientated affair while the marriage has been in trouble.

By setting the time frame you ensure that you do not waste a large portion of your life on him if he does turn out to be uncommitted to fixing this. People fuck up, only you can tell if he is truly sorry/ committed to you.

Best of luck; you would be right to stay and you would be right to leave, it totally depends on how things turn out and how you feel at the end of the day.

I don't really buy that no relationship should ever need therapy. That's not to say every relationship can be saved or is worth saving, but there are loads of reasons why therapy might be really useful and necessary. Some small, some big. Not everyone grew up in ideal circumstances, learning how to conduct healthy relationships, and seeking support for that isn't negative.

It's good your therapist has helped you with the anxiety and you've found journaling helpful.

Just because people on here think you should do something or want the closure of you making a quick decision, doesn't mean you have to! Like your therapist said, what's important is that you get to a point where you feel able to make the decision that's right for you. You need to live with this, we don't. Two weeks is hardly any time at all for something so big.

Sounds like cancelling the house purchase and buying yourself breathing space was a good move.

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate the solid advise and to have a couple of people who think there is something worse trying for, I like the time frame idea and seeing where things go at the moment. As I said I'm not ready to pack it all up today but my eyes are more wide open and I'm not focusing on winning him back so much now, I'm not going to rush decisions but I'm not going to be as weak anymore.

Thank you for giving me another perspective.

I suggest you get a song of your own.

Much as it hurts, I couldn't be with a man who is thinking of someone else. It's flogging a dead horse.

I'm not focusing on winning him back so much now

You should not be wining him back, he should be wining you back!

Wow. Just wow.
Leave him OP. Your all about his wants and needs, when he effectively cheated on you. He should be apologising to you not making love sick playlists like a teenager. Think about you and what you want. Do you really want to stay with someone like that?

Has he said he loves you?
Because it sounds like he loves somebody else.

I can’t get my head round the fact you are still with him.

Wow. I'm assuming 90% of you saying just leave have never been in this position. If you want to continue with the relationship it can be done, it will be hard work and it won't be the same. It could be worse it could be better but you need to keep communicating. I know I've been in your position and we came through the other side. Unless you know you want to leave 2 weeks (4 now) is no time in the grand scheme of life.
Good luck in whatever you decide