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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

His playlist of affair reminder songs

95 replies

MumofThree78 · 16/12/2019 18:18

Well, found out my husband had been having an emotional affair for 2 months with his cousins girlfriend who lives in another country, sent photos, phone calls, etc, they talked about him staying with me but then sent lovey dovey messages.

After I found out, he messaged her in secret for another week after, until I found these new messages and realised he hadn't stopped contact like he said.

I have 2 other threads about this.

He decided he wants to make us work so have been to counseling, he is seeing a psychologist tomorrow himself for depression. He leaves everything out, let's me access everything but I still keep checking things in secret as can't trust yet after all the lies. And he still gets annoyed when i want to see or when I bring up more questions but does answer.

Anyway in his search history he had looked up loads of songs after I found out about missing someone, lost love and I also had seen their text messages talking about songs that describe their feeling "more then words"

He had made a bunch of playlist on Spotify with these songs on there and lots of sad love songs, secret love, etc.

Titles were "I miss you" "more then words" that type of things, I had sent them and spoke about it in therapy and therapist said what would make you feel better and I said if he deleted them, I don't want him thinking about her. She said to him can you do this and he was hesitant and said there are some good songs in there, she said it won't delete them from Spotify just gets rid of the playlist. He agreed to do it.

So he hasn't mentioned anything to me and I didn't demand he do it straight after, but went for a snoop on his phone and he has just changed the titles to new ones but still has all the songs !

AIBU I deleted every playlist about love songs with songs I had seen mentioned or googled !

I know he will flip it when he see's tomorrow but AIBU for not wanting him to keep those playlist so he can't sit and think about her while he drives to work and how much he misses her or am I just to jealous !!

OP posts:
MashedChristmasPud · 16/12/2019 19:31

He’s a dick.

He doesn’t want to let go and those songs help him hang on.

I’d walk. He’s an unfaithful tosser.

FFSFFSFFS · 16/12/2019 19:37

He therapist says he is allowed to grieve and I have to allow it as he is showing me that he wants to make us work by doing everything I've asked

Well - either his therapist is terrible or he's telling you crap.

Either way - this is not the life you deserve. He can fuck right off and you can have a better life. Onwards and upwards.

GreatOne · 16/12/2019 19:37

I completely understand.

I've walked in your shoes. Tried to make it work.
It ate away at me.

Ending my marriage has been as blissful and rewarding as the other past posters have alluded to. It's too flippant to say 'bin it off'. It matters too much.
However, I've zero regrets that he's gone. The plus points outweigh the negatives

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/12/2019 19:38

Grieve a two month emotional affair??!!
How about he grieves the demise of his marriage, or the hell he has put his wife through?

Sorry, OP, but you are being way too indulgent of him.

ravenmum · 16/12/2019 19:41

He therapist says he is allowed to grieve and I have to allow it
And are you allowed to be fucking pissed off and not listen to everything the therapist says?

Is she qualified?

BloggersBlog · 16/12/2019 19:42

He sounds like a complete soppy arse. What a wet blanket, moping at love songs like a teenager. Pathetic. Therapist sounds as good as useless too

TheShowerSinger · 16/12/2019 19:44

Sorry OP but this doesn’t sound salvageable to me as your DH’s head is clearly elsewhere. I’d be on my toes in your situation. Also, the therapist sounds crap.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

LagunaBubbles · 16/12/2019 19:45

But why would he keep them when he said he would delete them, it's just more lies or with holding the truth

Well yes, you will never be able to trust him ever again. It seems as if he's done a right number on you though reading your posts sadly.

Savingforarainyday · 16/12/2019 19:45

People do grieve, but it sure as hell doesn't mean that you have to hold his hand and rub his back.

As others said, it's not the playlist, it's the underlying feelings. Deleting the playlist just means he'll find another outlet for his feelings.

Crunchymum · 16/12/2019 19:45

May I be as bold as to ask why the third thread?

Is it because you didn't like the advice on the others? Shock

hazell42 · 16/12/2019 19:46

Honestly, I would dump.him.
Then I would dump your therapist.
He is not committed to making this work
You therapist suggesting that he is, is not helping.
Do you want to spend 2020 examining his.playliat,.or do you want to start your own.
Is suggest you go with:
I will survive
and Hit the Road Jack
for starters
Anyone think of any more?
Not meaning to sound flippant
This is no way to live.

sandragreen · 16/12/2019 19:51

LTB

FreedomfromPE · 16/12/2019 19:53

LTB. Yuck

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas · 16/12/2019 20:05

You have to be realistic here, very few people have that degree of control over their feelings. For the average person this kind of thing takes a long time to get over emotionally.

TooMuchSun12 · 16/12/2019 20:05

@hazell42
Irreplaceable - Beyoncé
No Scrubs - TLC

theoriginalmadambee · 16/12/2019 20:12

I have seen one of your other threads.

You are turning yourself inside out to save your relationship, (probably at the cost of your self-esteem) and he is allowed to grieve!

Christ, he sounds disgusting as does his therapist.

You need to save yourself 💐.

KaliforniaDreamz · 16/12/2019 20:17

You need a new therapist, and perhaps, husband.

Jellybeansincognito · 16/12/2019 20:18

Gosh this sounds like hard work.

I’m always very wary when someone says they’ve cheated because they’re depressed.
He needs a therapist.

You should leave him and allow him to sort out his own head.

He sounds like an absolute loser with no respect for you. It’s all about him. You shouldn’t need therapy to fix a relationship, if you want to be with someone you find a way to make it work.
If you need a therapist to get to that place, it’s very telling.

Jellybeansincognito · 16/12/2019 20:19

Perhaps put all this effort into someone who doesn’t need a therapist just to be in a relationship with you.

rubyismyworld · 16/12/2019 20:20
  • since you been gone - Kelly Clarkson
  • respect- aretha Franklin
  • part of me- Katy Perry
knewyouwerewaiting · 16/12/2019 20:24

I remember your other threads.

Out of interest, does this woman want to be with him? Does she feel the same? Surely it was a non-starter all along if she is his cousin’s girlfriend and lives in another country.

MumofThree78 · 16/12/2019 20:25

I started a new thread as I thought the others were old so didn't know if they would sit at bottom and get no reply.

I am thinking about leaving a lot more now, it's a couples therapist and she was recommended by a friend (who did eventually divorce) obviously she says a lot more then that 1 comment and she has really helped me with my anxiety and I've been journaling when ever I feel panicky.

I know everyone is saying leave and I am almost there but it's so hard to give up 20years for a 2month online affair only. Change my whole family dynamic, I'm finding this so hard, I lost 10kgs in the past 4 weeks, I sleep about 3hrs every night and our house sold so I'm homeless in 1month and then I have this on top.

I'm just so broken

OP posts:
MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 16/12/2019 20:26

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas It was an emotional affair lasting a grand total of two months. How long is it acceptable for him to mope around and not really give a fuck about the OP's feelings?

If he was really committed, he would be trying to reassure OP without her having to ask for everything, but it doesn't look like he is, given the playlists. He should have had the emotional intelligence to realise a playlist would simply keep pulling his thoughts back to the OW and deleted the original list without needing to be told, and not create more lists.

MumofThree78 · 16/12/2019 20:28

Knew you - yes it's all over they have had no contact since he text her to say I knew who she was and have seen all the messages. She lives in uk (we r in Oz) so nothing could ever develop, he won't leave his kids.

OP posts:
GreatOne · 16/12/2019 20:30

I agree with the above.
Good relationships surely aren't meant to be such a chore?

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