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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or DH.. Being home alone. He thinks it's daft makes me feel worse.

85 replies

AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse · 16/12/2019 14:50

Name Changed for this as dh uses MN.

Aibu or is dh regarding this.

We moved home 2 months ago.. We gave up a LA place for private. We needed space. Exchange and transfer were a min 7 Yr wait. Housing is a huge shortage here.
Financially doable.

Before we even looked at houses I said how I have anxieties about being alone in a house..security wise. Mainly because always had the security of a flat etc etc
Turns out the house has had nothing but issues and caused me a huge anount of stress and still is.
The landlord is good and has been doing what's needed but it's taken time understandably. Some things the landlord can't deal with like electricity supply which is having issues switching over still

The house was previously let to a charity with young adults with behavioural issues therefore I have a worry they'll come back they caused a lot of problems in the neighbourhood and I've heard all sorts.. Even weapons found in the garage. I didn't know is was this bad before moving.

So when dh does his hobby (entertainer) which also earns a bit. He's out from 7pm till 1/2am..
So I just go to upstairs .. I have a fear of going downstairs even to get a drink.. Intake everything that's needed to with me.
He thinks it's silly but I had made it clear months and months ago.

He then believes I'm being miserable if I'm quiet or anxious leading up To the night or the day after as I'm so tired through not sleeping.

It also don't help dd isn't sleeping well at all and I'm up 10+times a night with her.. He simply doesn't hear her. If I wake him it would take so long to do so, dd would be wide awake and not re settle.
I'm also 35w pregnant so really bloody exhausted and uncomfortable.

The other issue I pointed out to him is that the hobby type work he does was regular thing for income (self employed on this) but we no longer need it. He doesn't seem to understand for example if he does a night. He's left at 8am for work after me getting dd up.. Gets in at 6pm. Food shower and out 7 maybe 7 30. So I have to do it all that's all childcare. Cooking cleaning everything
Even when he has his dd. (She's only with us eow Fri to Sun) . The last 2 times and this weekend he's got an event to do and she stays with ..she is in a phase of wetting the bed. So inevitably I have that to deal with if he's not home. She's a good girl but hard work with things like food.. Drink, entertaining her.
He's previously said that each time he has event on, thatvI'm miserable and doesn't understand why I hate the house so me dd and dsd go upstairs the girls go to bed I just sit there listening for noises. ., he also don't understand the pressure it has on me, it's different to when we met it wasn't an issue. . I just had the teen, I felt secure in my flat . Dsd didn have over night stays and we didn't have dd.. I never get a break.. I don't even know what I would do for enjoyment now..
Then baby in jan its gonna be harder and tbh I'm Dreading all the extra pressure that will inevitably fall me.
Yes the money helps but its not needed which is what I explain to him. But I also feel bad that he enjoys it..
Even if he was out in the weekend he doesn't have his dd at ours my ds is then at his dad's so it makes me more anxious.

Aibu and ' silly' or is dh. How do I get him to understand and see my point.
I told. Him I'd put it to the MNetters the weekend but didn't get round to it.

OP posts:
Frozenfan2019 · 16/12/2019 14:55

He shouldn't be going out for this when he has his DD. He should also be helping you with the baby if you are up 10 times in the night!

You do sound overly anxious as unless I've missed it you haven't actually been the victim of crime you are just worrying about it.

If it were me I would come to a compromise where perhaps he does his hobby one night a fortnight and I would also see a GP or your midwife as your anxiety doesn't sound proportionate. You shouldn't be scared to go downstairs in your own home.

dontcallmeduck · 16/12/2019 15:00

You do sound very anxious and to be honest he should be supporting you with you it but it shouldn’t be restricting what he (or you) do.

That being said it is unfair the amount of childcare he is leaving you with. It is especially unfair of him to be leaving you with his DD to go out for his hobby. Especially if she is wetting and perhaps picking up on your anxiety if you’re making her stay upstairs from 7pm on edge.

Oysterbabe · 16/12/2019 15:02

I think you need to seek some kind of help and treatment for your anxiety. I wouldn't be happy to be restricted in my activities by an adult who is afraid to be alone.

tinytoast · 16/12/2019 15:08

I think it would be mentally draining being with another adult who has a fear of being alone.

I understand that you are pregnant but, do you have a job to go back too after maternity leave?

You need to see your GP about this issue urgently. This is no way to live.

tinytoast · 16/12/2019 15:09

It is also no life for your daughter living with an over anxious mother. You're setting her up to be just as fearful.

ActualHornist · 16/12/2019 15:09

The anxiety is a red herring. No you shouldn’t have your activities restricted to alleviate another adults anxiety.

However - he’s not really engaging with family life, is he? He’s got two children and a baby on the way, and is still going out overnight to do his hobby. Of course it’s under the guise of ‘working’ which makes it something he can throw back at you when you say you don’t want him to do it anymore.

You don’t need the money. He needs to compromise for the sake of his family, not just you (but especially you as you’re the one who picks up the slack).

endofthelinefinally · 16/12/2019 15:11

His dd is not your responsibility. She is there to have quality time with, and be parented by, him. That alone is very thoughtless and unfair.
He should be doing his fair share of parenting your child and supporting you physically and emotionally at this stage of your pregnancy.
Are all your doors and windows solid and secure?

Booboostwo · 16/12/2019 15:13

You need to get some help with your anxiety. This level of anxiety is not reasonable and things may become worse for you after the birth.

However, you also have a DH problem. It sounds like he uses the DJing job to avoid doing any parenting. Why did he chose to have three kids of he doesn’t want to parent them?!

Original poster
AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse · 16/12/2019 15:14

It's not just being afraid to be left alone. It's the amount that's left to be. But if he gets in at 6nand out at 7 then there's nothing he can do in that hour.. So it has to fall on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse · 16/12/2019 15:15

The fear of alone never happened in flat. I made that clear. We needed space. Everyone went on at me about the need for a bigger place so I did it.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 16/12/2019 15:17

He is putting his hobby ahead of his responsibilities as a husband and father. I have zero respect for men like that.

Lovemusic33 · 16/12/2019 15:20

You need to get help for your anxiety, it’s not normal to be feeling scared of being home alone. I’m a single parent and home alone every evening. Go and see your GP.

Basecamp65 · 16/12/2019 15:20

To be honest - the problem is your anxiety - you cannot have a realistic view of the rest of the issues whilst you are crippled by this.

It is not normal to be this scared of being alone in your own home, you need to speak to your GP and see if you can get some help with this.

This is not just affecting your life but your partners and your children's, sadly it is difficult to know if you are being unreasonable about your partners working but he must be struggling to get a perspective on what is a genuine issue and what is connected to your unrealistic anxieties.

Mintjulia · 16/12/2019 15:20

You aren’t being silly. You can’t help how you feel and your hormones are probably all over the place.
On the other hand I can understand why your dh wants to continue doing something he enjoys which brings in extra cash. No harm in having a bit extra with a baby imminent.
I’d make a list of things you want done before the baby arrives. New locks, door chain, digital doorbell so you can see who is there without getting out of bed. Subtle motion sensor lighting?
Get the local community support officer out to check your security. Maybe that would be reassuring. Go and say hi to your neighbours, so you know who is nearby if you need help. Exchange phone numbers.
It there neighbourhood watch? Sign up for that.
And agree with pp Re: talking to your midwife or GP.

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 15:21

He's being selfish and he should be parenting his daughter but it seems like you need counselling with your anxiety

Lovemusic33 · 16/12/2019 15:21

It’s not just a hobby though is it? If he’s earning money it’s a job?

lifeisgoodagain · 16/12/2019 15:22

Whilst he isn't being understanding, you need to tackle your anxiety, you need to be able to live without being so fearful. Go and speak with your gp and ask for help

Original poster
AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse · 16/12/2019 15:23

Re doors and windows. The conservatory door to garden has no lock.. Just small bolts the door is rotted and being replaced in summer.. Theres then lightwooden doors to dining room. I would imagine it would be easy to enter..
The front door has previously been damaged from forced entry but been glued and we changed the lock.

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 16/12/2019 15:28

You're very anxious.
Did you not check this property over before you took it?
If money is okay get a burglar alarm and motions sensors

Original poster
AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse · 16/12/2019 15:31

But re anxiety is only this house.i hate it.. I thought I'd get used to it but I can't..

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/12/2019 15:34

You need to separate the issues. Firstly he does need to help parent more but if he is working full time and you are a sahm then it is reasonable you do more of the nighttime duties.
How often is he out for this hobby. And you say you dont need the money but then you also say it helps. So what does it help with and what would you go without if he were to give it up?
You cannot expect him to sit in with you every night or only go out if you go out. What happens when you both go out? Do you worry about going home?. The anxiety is something you need help with.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 15:35

@AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse you sound anxious but then so would I if I was in a house where doors are so flimsy/damaged/no lock.

Your dh is also a shit father, both to your dc and to your dsd.
and a shit husband to yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2019 15:36

Apologies if I’m completely wrong but I think I recognise your posting style and you’ve been asking him to stop his evening job for ages as you don’t trust a woman he sees there so it’s possible he thinks your anxiety about being at home on your own is down to that.

There are several things at play as others have pointed out. His DD comes to see him and he needs to be there for her contact time, no discussion or negotiation, his responsibility.

He’s earning money, whether he enjoys it or not, and that’s going to be helpful with another baby due soon.

He should be making sure you get down time when he steps up looking after the baby you already have.

You’ve got very serious anxiety and it’s your responsibility to find ways to manage it. He can support you emotionally and should, but the answer to your fears is not for him to eliminate them by always being there. What if he got sick and was in hospital and you had to get on with things by yourself? Single parents having to manage doesn’t mean a parent in a relationship should put up with scraps, but you’re an adult who’s chosen to have children and part of that is learning to cope by yourself when necessary. If you’re a sole earning household and have 3 children to support, unless you’re rolling in it additional income at this point is useful.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 15:36

You need to separate the issues. Firstly he does need to help parent more but if he is working full time and you are a sahm then it is reasonable you do more of the nighttime duties.

I disagree with the idea that as a SAHM the OP shpuld more of the nightime duties but in ths case, the OP does EVERYTHING inl geting for his dsd because he cant even be bothered to be there when she is vistting... Hmm

Josette77 · 16/12/2019 15:37

He needs to help out more and you need help for your anxiety. As for money are you both working? Is he nervous about you taking maternity and saving extra?

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