Me or DH.. Being home alone. He thinks it's daft makes me feel worse.

[AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse]

Name Changed for this as dh uses MN.

Aibu or is dh regarding this.

We moved home 2 months ago.. We gave up a LA place for private. We needed space. Exchange and transfer were a min 7 Yr wait. Housing is a huge shortage here.
Financially doable.

Before we even looked at houses I said how I have anxieties about being alone in a house..security wise. Mainly because always had the security of a flat etc etc
Turns out the house has had nothing but issues and caused me a huge anount of stress and still is.
The landlord is good and has been doing what's needed but it's taken time understandably. Some things the landlord can't deal with like electricity supply which is having issues switching over still

The house was previously let to a charity with young adults with behavioural issues therefore I have a worry they'll come back they caused a lot of problems in the neighbourhood and I've heard all sorts.. Even weapons found in the garage. I didn't know is was this bad before moving.

So when dh does his hobby (entertainer) which also earns a bit. He's out from 7pm till 1/2am..
So I just go to upstairs .. I have a fear of going downstairs even to get a drink.. Intake everything that's needed to with me.
He thinks it's silly but I had made it clear months and months ago.

He then believes I'm being miserable if I'm quiet or anxious leading up To the night or the day after as I'm so tired through not sleeping.

It also don't help dd isn't sleeping well at all and I'm up 10+times a night with her.. He simply doesn't hear her. If I wake him it would take so long to do so, dd would be wide awake and not re settle.
I'm also 35w pregnant so really bloody exhausted and uncomfortable.

The other issue I pointed out to him is that the hobby type work he does was regular thing for income (self employed on this) but we no longer need it. He doesn't seem to understand for example if he does a night. He's left at 8am for work after me getting dd up.. Gets in at 6pm. Food shower and out 7 maybe 7 30. So I have to do it all that's all childcare. Cooking cleaning everything
Even when he has his dd. (She's only with us eow Fri to Sun) . The last 2 times and this weekend he's got an event to do and she stays with ..she is in a phase of wetting the bed. So inevitably I have that to deal with if he's not home. She's a good girl but hard work with things like food.. Drink, entertaining her.
He's previously said that each time he has event on, thatvI'm miserable and doesn't understand why I hate the house so me dd and dsd go upstairs the girls go to bed I just sit there listening for noises. ., he also don't understand the pressure it has on me, it's different to when we met it wasn't an issue. . I just had the teen, I felt secure in my flat . Dsd didn have over night stays and we didn't have dd.. I never get a break.. I don't even know what I would do for enjoyment now..
Then baby in jan its gonna be harder and tbh I'm Dreading all the extra pressure that will inevitably fall me.
Yes the money helps but its not needed which is what I explain to him. But I also feel bad that he enjoys it..
Even if he was out in the weekend he doesn't have his dd at ours my ds is then at his dad's so it makes me more anxious.

Aibu and ' silly' or is dh. How do I get him to understand and see my point.
I told. Him I'd put it to the MNetters the weekend but didn't get round to it.

I didn’t vote because you are being unreasonable about some things and being reasonable about others.

It’s not reasonable to expect your DH to change his behaviour because of your anxiety. It’s bad enough that it restricts and spoils your life, it’s unreasonable to allow it to restrict or spoil his life or the lives of the D.C. in your family. You should be getting help with it, not expecting him to stay at home to accommodate your fears. My much loved MIL had never spent a night alone when FIL died. We now realise he probably covered for a lot of her anxiety when he was around and as a woman in her 80s she is struggling with being in her house overnight on her own. Tackle your issues now so you don’t end up like her.

It is very reasonable to expect him to be more hands on with the DC and particularly to stay home when his daughter is with you. She comes to you to spend time with her parent and he should be around as much as possible.

Would you be OK in a different house?, Or is it just houses in general? I have lived in flats and houses and have been OK. Never lived in a bungalow but don't like the idea of sleeping downstairs. Anyway if it's just this house could you not look at moving again in the future? Otherwise I think you will need to seek help for your anxiety tbh. You can't carry on like this OP.

There are some relatively simple fixes that you can put in place to feel safer.

Yes, you can wait for the landlord, but why would you do that, when you could take some of your partner's earnings and - instead of spending them on 'treats' - buy a bolt and fix it to the conservatory door?

Quick win.

You know you can't expect your partner to sit in with you each and every night.

As for him not carrying his parenting load, that's a separate issue which clearly has to be sorted out.

As an aside, why do men who are sub-standard fathers so often seem to be the ones fathering multiple children, often by multiple women? They should really be doing everyone a favour and fathering far fewer....

Merchant of Venice your comment about men can be said for women too.

I'm so sorry for you op. I was terribly nervous in our first house, hated it, so understand how you feel.

Your landlord is obliged to make sure your house is in good order and that includes safe electrics and good locks. Make sure all that is sorted at least.

Regarding the conservatory not being secure, I presume there is another door leading from conservatory into kitchen or something - as long as that is secure, no problem.

In your position I would sleep downstairs with my child making sure the room is cosy, telly on low. Always leave a light on in the hall whether you are up or down, maybe on the landing too, burglars usually target houses that are empty, ie when people are out at work. If a house looks busy they move on to somewhere else.

Do what you can to make your garden secure, some people have a light which comes on back and front of house if there is any activity during the night. That's not a bad idea except that cats and foxes can cause the light to come on but if surrounding people have thick curtains it doesn't matter.

Do seek some advice from your GP regarding help for your anxiety. You mentioned you had CBT in the past but that is quick fix for a reactive condition, your anxiety requires longer, indepth theraapy.

Others have given good advice which I don't want to repeat except it's a good idea to get to know the neighbours and have their telephone numbers for emergencies.

I'm sure you will be fine but it will take time and work.

Why would him “understanding the pressures” make your issues go away? You say you don’t want him to stop but to understand..... but that wouldn’t solve anything, would it? You obviously do want him to stop.

The issues around the fact you are doing more parenting of his DC, and doing all the wake ups with your combined DC are separate. As is his gambling.

You said BEFORE you moved that you would be unhappy in somewhere bigger than a flat. So it’s not just this house, though I agree it doesn’t sound ideal.

Your anxiety is the lynchpin of all of this and you must take action to resolve. That is your responsibility.

You say you agreed to move to make everyone else happy- why do you have so little value in your own eyes?

It is totally unacceptable for a grown adult to be afraid of being in their own home without their partner. You should not be willing to put up with feeling like that, and putting it on your partner is ridiculous and selfish.

He does need to be home more and help more, but that is a separate issue.

I’m not sure if I read it wrong, but doesn’t your dh have to work the next few weeks as his side job payed him in advance? He doesn’t really have a choice in it now as he needs to work off the money he was loaned.

After he has done that, he definitely needs to make sure he doesn’t work on the weeks he has his dd. He also needs to help you more around the house and you both need to look in to making your house more secure.

You need to get help for your anxiety, sooner rather than later.

You shouldn’t be doing all the work with his dd. The rest of your problems are your own. You’re calling it his ‘hobby’ when it’s in fact his job, he’s supporting two families and has a baby on the way. You don’t even work. Do you want him to quit his job so you don’t have to be in the house on your own?

Can you not move to another flat if you’re really unhappy in the house. Are there any bigger flats available? And any gigs your DH does should be organised for evenings his DD isn’t staying