Me or DH.. Being home alone. He thinks it's daft makes me feel worse.

[AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse]

Name Changed for this as dh uses MN.

Aibu or is dh regarding this.

We moved home 2 months ago.. We gave up a LA place for private. We needed space. Exchange and transfer were a min 7 Yr wait. Housing is a huge shortage here.
Financially doable.

Before we even looked at houses I said how I have anxieties about being alone in a house..security wise. Mainly because always had the security of a flat etc etc
Turns out the house has had nothing but issues and caused me a huge anount of stress and still is.
The landlord is good and has been doing what's needed but it's taken time understandably. Some things the landlord can't deal with like electricity supply which is having issues switching over still

The house was previously let to a charity with young adults with behavioural issues therefore I have a worry they'll come back they caused a lot of problems in the neighbourhood and I've heard all sorts.. Even weapons found in the garage. I didn't know is was this bad before moving.

So when dh does his hobby (entertainer) which also earns a bit. He's out from 7pm till 1/2am..
So I just go to upstairs .. I have a fear of going downstairs even to get a drink.. Intake everything that's needed to with me.
He thinks it's silly but I had made it clear months and months ago.

He then believes I'm being miserable if I'm quiet or anxious leading up To the night or the day after as I'm so tired through not sleeping.

It also don't help dd isn't sleeping well at all and I'm up 10+times a night with her.. He simply doesn't hear her. If I wake him it would take so long to do so, dd would be wide awake and not re settle.
I'm also 35w pregnant so really bloody exhausted and uncomfortable.

The other issue I pointed out to him is that the hobby type work he does was regular thing for income (self employed on this) but we no longer need it. He doesn't seem to understand for example if he does a night. He's left at 8am for work after me getting dd up.. Gets in at 6pm. Food shower and out 7 maybe 7 30. So I have to do it all that's all childcare. Cooking cleaning everything
Even when he has his dd. (She's only with us eow Fri to Sun) . The last 2 times and this weekend he's got an event to do and she stays with ..she is in a phase of wetting the bed. So inevitably I have that to deal with if he's not home. She's a good girl but hard work with things like food.. Drink, entertaining her.
He's previously said that each time he has event on, thatvI'm miserable and doesn't understand why I hate the house so me dd and dsd go upstairs the girls go to bed I just sit there listening for noises. ., he also don't understand the pressure it has on me, it's different to when we met it wasn't an issue. . I just had the teen, I felt secure in my flat . Dsd didn have over night stays and we didn't have dd.. I never get a break.. I don't even know what I would do for enjoyment now..
Then baby in jan its gonna be harder and tbh I'm Dreading all the extra pressure that will inevitably fall me.
Yes the money helps but its not needed which is what I explain to him. But I also feel bad that he enjoys it..
Even if he was out in the weekend he doesn't have his dd at ours my ds is then at his dad's so it makes me more anxious.

Aibu and ' silly' or is dh. How do I get him to understand and see my point.
I told. Him I'd put it to the MNetters the weekend but didn't get round to it.

@AnneLovesGilbert, I would say that ensuring that the hose is safe is also his responsibility, not just the OP. After all, HE was the one pushing for the move even though the OP didnt want to.
He should be incolved in finding solutions about the doors so the house is actually safe. I mean no lock in the conservatory? Afrot door that has bene damaged but nor repaired? A door that is rotting?
Surely it wouldnt much for him to be involved and ensure that his DW feels safe??

Statistically speaking, the only person likely to murder you to death in your own home is DH. So when he's out, you're at your safest!!

Not sure if that makes you feel better or worse, but it's a fact.

What is he doing to sort out his dd's bedwetting? How old is she? Is he communicating with his dd's mum to tackle this? Common causes of bedwetting include uti, threadworms and anxiety.
Would your dd sleep better in with you? Waking 10 times a night is really not sustainable.

Are you able to get Ring doorbell or CCTV just so you can check what's happening outside when you feel anxious? That might help to calm you. You do tend to feel a bit more vulnerable when you're pregnant when alone, I get it as you're not able to physically defend yourself as well if you had to.
We had a significant number of voilent burglaries in my area during my last pregnancy (whilst residents were at home) so we got some cheap solar outdoor lights from Aldi and CCTV. People were doing other things too like leaving glass beer bottles on our driveway, blocking it with their cars, using it to turn in their round instead of mucking up their own driveway and putting their rubbish in our bins but funnily enough all that stopped after we got CCTV!

Number 1 is getting help for this anxiety.
Are you really being rational?
Staying awake listening for noises isn't healthy or normal. It's no life for you and your family not being able to live in your own home without fear.
Number 2 is speaking to him about how much time hebis spending on his night job.
Make it about family time though- it really shouldn't be an issue just related to anxiety.

He no longer does that particular venue. No issues there.
If the house was more secure then I hopefully wouldn't feel so vulnerable.
However. The ll is Awre of the issues. The estate agent had got some work done and it was mega bodged.
So the ll is sorting it himself he's getting someone to look In the new Yr. But I honestly think the conservatory is that old it won't withhold the weight of new doors and could end up being a huge job.

The money when I say it helps but that's just extra treats etc..
The last 4 he booked he said it was to cover paternity but it came to light he'd lost a lot of money gambling so in his head was to re couperate that.
His works then lent him the money but now has to do 10 extra Saturdays to re pay it ( which is his ones that dsd is here so I've been having her), so it seems his balls up.. His hobby/enjoyment will backfire on me as I get to pick up the slack.

Are you doing something to help your anxiety? Seeing w doctor, saving up for repairs etc, do you have a plan?

Expecting him to give up what seems a paying gig to baby sit you isn't ok. Clearly there needs to be a fair division of workload, but I'm sorry you're being very unreasonable.

How old are you?

If it’s really not secure then you need to get the landlord to deal with the issue, if it’s just you would like extra security for your peace of mind then you need to ask the ll if he is happy for you to upgrade the locks etc. Can you use some of the extra money your DH makes from his evening job to upgrade the security and locks.
Aside from this you need to go to your GP about your anxiety, if you can’t go back downstairs of an evening that means you and the children are trapped upstairs, what if you had to get out in an emergency? Your DSD may be picking up on your anxiety and wetting the bed more often. How are you going to make bottles etc during the night when the new baby comes, you may be planning to breastfeed?
If you don’t tackle your anxiety it may get worse, what if you start getting anxious during the day as well?
Agree with pp’s though your DH needs to be there when his daughter is staying at the house.
Is he working extra because he is worried about extra rent and costs of the new baby when he is the sole earner?

I'm not sure people read your entire long post.

I don't think YABU in wanting him to be more present and pick up on things he's leaving to you.

It also don't help dd isn't sleeping well at all and I'm up 10+times a night with her.. He simply doesn't hear her. If I wake him it would take so long to do so, dd would be wide awake and not re settle.
I'm also 35w pregnant so really bloody exhausted and uncomfortable.

Particularly the last sentence is your main problem.
He should step up and be more present and available!

I would stop mentioning the anxiety to him, go purely from the angle that you need support at home more than you need the money his hobby brings in. You're heavily pregnant, which is enough reason all on its own for needing him to step up the support and is much harder for him to dismiss as 'silly'.

By all means compromise on a night a fortnight or whatever but it's time he realised you can't keep adding to your family without the workload increasing, for him as well as you.

As for the anxiety, you do need to address it and you know that, it's detrimental to your life and happiness and that's enough reason even without the effect on DC. I do sympathise, I had PTSD and being afraid and restricted in your own home is awful. But it can be overcome and it's worth doing, I'm alone at night a lot now and it's ok, I never thought I'd say that!

But I still think the anxiety is a separate issue, the main one being that he's leaving you with all the shitwork and you never get a break or to at least feel you're sharing it with someone and are not alone. That's not on and it needs to change so that's what I'd be focusing on with him

You're severe anxiety is not normal. Please go and see your GP ASAP. I couldn't cope with your anxiety, it would drive me nutty. Please, you need help and support.

I would ask him to use the money he is earning from the gigs to pay for an alarm so you can actually seep at night when he isnt there.

As for the gambling.... he is actually a nice guy at all??
I mean he

• gambles
• takes no responsibility for his dcs/is a shit father
• has no care for you and doesnt support you but rather expect that whatever he wants goes (the move, him working many saturdays, his gigs etc...)

What is he bringing to your life?

No he's not worried about the money. I've offered to get an evening job he said it wouldn't pay enough even if it was needed.

I'm not saving for repairs it's not my house to do so.
The door is too rotten for a lock.. Its crumbled away.

Light and cc tv is good. Altho the electrics are so old there's no spare plugs and everything on extensions as it is.
It's what I mean I'm stress about everything here.. I miss my old. Place.. The security of it and the homely feel. This is just a house.

Dsd goes to bed at 8 so she knows no different.. As such as I do bath book etc and that passes the hour.

I have a prep machine for upstairs..

Oh God. He's got a gambling problem too.
OP, in your shoes, most people would be anxious. I know I would. Your husband is behaving very selfishly and irresponsibly. You are in a property that isn't secure. You are doing all the parenting and domestic work, you are pregnant, getting no sleep, he is gambling and prioritising his hobby.
Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Also, from your description, I wouldn't feel safe with him in the house anyway. He needs to secure the doors and windows properly.

But concentrate on the most important issue, which is him not leaving so much on your shoulders.
And him having to work doesn't excuse him from waking in the night. Caring for a child during the day is just as important. Both need sufficient sleep.

1. can you look into moving to another rental property that you actually like?

2. please see your GP about anxiety because despite the security issues you have mentioned I don't think it's normal to not feel safe alone in your own home. Several people have mentioned this and you haven't responded.

3. your DH doesn't sound like a great dad or partner, you don't have to stay with him. Would you be better on your own back in your flat?

He actually makes me very happy more than I ever have before. He offers to do some stuff but its late at night so I'd rather get it done before.
. During the day I'm not anxious at all.. Not the slightest..

The gambling is norm a couple of quid a week and he had a blip a one off and did a few hundred.

What do you want to happen OP?
If your dh gave up his side job would you be happy? I can't help feeling not, you don't like the house and DP doesn't do enough parenting.

So, what would help? Moving? You could let DP continue for six months to save a deposit to move again?

You don't sound very happy.

Won't be able to move more deposits etc and this is a good location.

I do not want to leave him. Or be on my own..

Its the lack of understanding.. I think from now on if he says he's booked something I'll just say OK.. And pretend everything is fine. Then he don't feel bad at going.. But from. Now on when he has a booking dsd can stay with his parents. I don't need the extra hassle and she doesn't know she's missing out with daddy time.

I did not vote because I think both of you are NBU
His hobby as an entertainer sounds more like a side hustle because hobbies usually cost money instead of make money. So you do need to treat it more like a side hustle that he enjoys and probably would resign from his day job if it brought in enough money. Also, entertainers don’t usually get to dictate their schedule. Customers book events on certain nights/days and he either does the event or loses the money and publicity. Hobbies you have more choice when to do them and skipping events doesn’t harm future prospects. So he is NBU by wanting to continue it.

You anxiety about being alone in the house is also NBU. It sounds like a nightmare. I’m sure if it had proper doors and locks and did not have a history of being broken into you would feel better. Since it is a private rent, you will have a tenancy agreement. Can you look to find a better place to move to? You say you don’t need the money from his entertaining, well maybe you actually do need that extra money to go towards the rent on a safer, more secure home.

So, I would propose to DH that a cut of the entertainment money he earns goes towards rent for a safer, more secure home to compensate for him not being there as home protection.

You have two separate issues.

1. Your DH is gone a lot and the burden of child care falls to you too much. That needs to change.

1. Your anxiety about being in a house is odd. I have anxiety too so there is no criticism in that statement. Anxiety lies. Remember that. It’s important. Anxiety lies. You are just as safe as you were in a flat.

You need to talk to your Medical provider and make a plan for treating your anxiety. Do it now. I would ask to start meds as soon as the baby is born. Post-partum anxiety doesn’t get as much attention as depression, but it’s very real and surprisingly common. There are meds that are perfectly safe for breastfeeding so that isn’t an issue.

Anxiety can be treated.

My sister used to be like you. She couldn’t stay home alone - she once asked me to spend the night at her house, because her DH was having a lads’ night out. She is a completely different woman now, intrepid, confident, and a great deal happier.

Please go to your doctor about anxiety. It’s not rational to fear coming downstairs in your own home. It’s not healthy for your kids either.

Also fix your broken locks and doors.

And get your DH to help out more.

I dont want him to give it up at all. Just have some understanding of the pressures it leaves on me.

How often is he out doing his hobby OP?